Iliza Shlesinger Quotes

#1. If I could have any job I would be a cat ... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

Iliza Shlesinger

#2. Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

Iliza Shlesinger

#3. I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

Iliza Shlesinger

#4. Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Iliza Shlesinger

#5. As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

Iliza Shlesinger

#6. Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

Iliza Shlesinger

#7. I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

Iliza Shlesinger

#8. It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

Iliza Shlesinger

#9. You can't go to the bathroom alone ... you might not come back. Cause no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

Iliza Shlesinger

#10. I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

Iliza Shlesinger

#11. You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Iliza Shlesinger

#12. When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

Iliza Shlesinger

#13. When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

Iliza Shlesinger

#14. I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

Iliza Shlesinger

#15. Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

Iliza Shlesinger

#16. It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

Iliza Shlesinger

#17. I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

Iliza Shlesinger

#18. You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

Iliza Shlesinger

#19. We've all been there, onstage. You say something you don't mean, you make fun of something on accident but ... This wasn't that. This wasn't crowd work. This was a rehearsed set. This was pointed.

Iliza Shlesinger

#20. The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

Iliza Shlesinger