Top 100 Quotes About Toilet Paper
#1. Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Richard Jeni
#2. I don't know if he needs a tic tac or toilet paper.
Jerry Lawler
#3. European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.
Dave Barry
#4. Out of all the medical advancements in human history I'm still most in awe of that tiny little piece of toilet paper that can stop a gushing razor cut in its tracks.
Gregor Collins
#5. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd grow the hell up and stop walking around like the world crapped on your only roll of toilet paper. Because it's stupid,
Tahereh Mafi
#6. Her mother began to pick apart the toilet paper covering her gift. 'I suppose, she said brightly, 'we should be grateful this hasn't been used before as well!
Wendy Holden
#7. Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk.
Kevin Hearne
#8. You've no idea how wonderful toilet paper is until it's taken away from you by an unfeeling universe. I think it's the defining characteristic of human civilization, the ability to manufacture something decent to wipe your ass on.
Peter F. Hamilton
#9. Cubans were getting a monthly ration of five pounds of rice, three pounds of beans, five eggs, one chicken, half a pound of coffee, milk for children up to age seven, one bar of soap, two rolls of toilet paper, three packs of cigarettes.
Tony Mendoza
#10. Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#11. Leaders win through logistics. Vision, sure. Strategy, yes. But when you go to war, you need to have both toilet paper and bullets at the right place at the right time. In other words, you must win through superior logistics.
Tom Peters
#12. At the store, they have one-hundred-percent-recycled toilet paper," Marla says. "The worst job in the whole world must be recycling toilet paper." I
Chuck Palahniuk
#14. France is the country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
Billy Wilder
#15. When you consider all the writers who never even had a machine. Who would have given an eyeball for a good typewriter. Any typewriter. All the ones who wrote on a matchbook covers. Paper bags. Toilet paper. Who had their writing destroyed by their jailers. Who persisted beyond all odds.
Sam Shepard
#16. Most of the time he [Marlon Brando] sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
Rex Reed
#17. As with marathon runs and lengths of toilet paper, there had to be standards to measure up to.
Haruki Murakami
#18. I made a stop, ducking into the supermarket to pick up milk, Diet Pepsi, bread, eggs, and toilet paper. I was into my siege mentality, looking forward to pulling up the drawbridge and waiting out the rain. With luck, I wouldn't have to go out for days.
Sue Grafton
#19. You can almost judge how screwed up somebody is by the kind of toilet paper they use. Go in any rich house and it's some weird coloured embossed stuff.
Captain Beefheart
#20. These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.
P. J. O'Rourke
#21. I'm like toilet paper, toothpaste and certain amenities - I'm proven to be good. I've still got 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years left.
Shaquille O'Neal
#22. But it has perks -- personal pride, financial security, and the feeling of accomplishment and control that comes when you just swap in a new toilet paper roll rather than resorting to fast-food napkins.
Kelly Williams Brown
#23. Most people die, living their life paycheck to paycheck,trying to stretch out each dollar, as like a roll of toilet paper. Toiling each tissue, never quite wiping away all the shit from their asses, where the world always takes what little they flush, back into its deprived system, always hungry.
Anthony Liccione
#24. The worst job in the whole world must be recycling toilet paper.
Chuck Palahniuk
#25. People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
Jerry Seinfeld
#26. If we all had what we wanted to eat ... We'd have inflation in the toilet paper industry.
Jim Thompson
#27. Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
Bill Engvall
#28. The Persian rug served as their country. The brawnier toilet paper people opted to live in its jade green jungles while the more sensitive and reflective toilet paper people preferred hiding in its opal cream sky. They were so light. No one would ever be able to tell that they had lived there.
Cherry Tigris
#29. He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.
Adam Rex
#30. Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.
Woody Allen
#31. Art is borne out of necessity. Music is a tool and men are doers. When a relationship is working, you don't need to write a song-you need to get toilet paper.
Sxip Shirey
#32. A long white ribbon shot out of the crack in the wall. The ribbon just kept coming, weaving itself into some kind of shape next to Anubis, and my first thought was, My god, he's got a magic roll of toilet paper.
Rick Riordan
#33. Was she ever grumpy? Did she ever yell? Fall about laughing? Eat too much? Drink too much? Call out for someone to bring her toilet paper? Lose her car keys? Was she ever just a human being?
Liane Moriarty
#34. Eleanor fixated on all the small luxuries strewn and tucked around the house. Packs of cigarettes, newspapers, magazines ... Brand-name cereal and quilted toilet paper. His refrigerator was full of things you tossed into the cart without thinking about it just because they sounded good.
Rainbow Rowell
#35. Certain element - a few crazies - that don't have anything to do. They shot out two streetlights on Goodwinter Boulevard last night. When I was a kid we smashed pumpkins and strung trees with toilet paper on Halloween, but this new generation does it all year round.
Lilian Jackson Braun
#36. I don't think many people understand what racism is. The intellectuals use it like toilet paper; it's something they can use. It's not something they live.
Mark Fuhrman
#37. I always said if I could figure out a way to grow Kleenex and toilet paper on trees, we could pull the plug on society.
Joel Salatin
#38. I suddenly realized that converting to white wouldn't be easy, but still, that toilet paper was like silk.
Eddie Huang
#39. I've read better fecal matter patterns on toilet paper.
Terry Price
#40. Seriously, she'd been tricked into bringing him toilet paper on the crapper too many times not to know he was a little shortsighted.
Debra Anastasia
#41. You hear even a hint that a blizzard's coming, Roxanne Giselle, you go straight to the store and buy toilet paper, you hear me? And make a pot of chili or stew. Don't get caught out. I don't want a phone call saying you starved to death, stuck in the house with no stew.
Kristen Ashley
#42. There's a deep underlying unpredictability to life that is thrilling. In China, my wife would say you go out to buy toilet paper, and you come back, and something interesting or revealing or funny happened on the way.
Evan Osnos
#43. He would take a cactus home if Jane recommended it as toilet paper. Soon
Trudy Wallis
#44. Nothing is worse than to finish a good shit, then reach over and find the toilet paper container empty. Even the most horrible human being on earth deserves to wipe his ass.
Charles Bukowski
#45. I would rather get a PhD than stand to reach for toilet paper. Though some readers might emphasize the similarities between the two activities.
Rhoda Janzen
#46. How can you put on a meaningful drama when, every fifteen minutes, proceedings are interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits with toilet paper?
Rod Serling
#47. You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
Dane Cook
#48. Don't you have something better to do right now, like chase after that polar bear dude or find that toilet paper your kind are so fond of?" She loved how his lips turned into a grin. "Only the softest for my sweet cheeks.
Eve Langlais
#49. I can't admit it to anyone except maybe Maureen, but I want all that mundane shit too. Grocery shopping and arguing over which toilet paper to buy and standing next to each other at the sink doing dishes after dinner. I know it's corny as fuck but I want that corny shit in my life.
Rocklyn Ryder
#50. I live with three boys, and I can't tell you how hard it is to get your hands on toilet paper. They steal it.
Margot Robbie
#51. Also, there had been a period of about ten years when Scott had somehow gotten larger than life - to others, and sometimes to himself. (Not to Lisey; she was the one who had to fetch him a fresh roll of toilet paper if he ran out while he was on the john.)
Stephen King
#52. Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
Joey Bishop
#53. Like when I'm in the bathroom looking at my toilet paper, I'm like 'Wow! That's toilet paper?' I don't know if we appreciate how much we have.
Alicia Silverstone
#54. When you look at the sheer volume of paper usage in the U.S. alone, it's truly frightening: paper towels, toilet paper, napkins, writing paper. Our consumption of trees is endless.
Ian Somerhalder
#55. I've always loved 3D. In fact, as a kid, I was exposed to 3D at an early age because my grandfather was a specialist of 3D in cinematheques. And then my cousin put it in 'Science of Sleep' with toilet paper tube cities. But he was a specialist and I always wanted to do something in 3D.
Michel Gondry
#56. I'd appreciate if you'd grow the hell up and stop walking around like the world crapped on your only roll of toilet paper.
Tahereh Mafi
#57. It's a topsy-turvy world in which a country can import the same amount of ice-cream, toilet paper and other goods to trading partners as it exports, and where top bankers are paid millions for destroying economic value, while hospital cleaners create value many times their pay
Andrew Simms
#58. The wide screen reminds me of a roll of toilet paper.
Yasujiro Ozu
#59. The New York Times Review of Books is toilet paper. Used.
James Purdy
#60. Timmy, who made a daring escape, also made a mistake of paying the taxi driver with a check made out of toilet paper.
Janet Frame
#61. Life in battle is like a roll of toilet paper....the more you use it, the less you have left.
Charles A. Krohn
#62. It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
Rod Serling
#63. I like getting toilet paper thrown at me.
Joel Madden
#64. I cut coupons, love specials and believe in buying toilet paper and toothpaste in bulk. It's just who I am.
Hilary Swank
#65. You can't put toilet paper in the toilet [in the space ship], so there's a separate vacuum can in front of you on the wall and when you're done, you put the toilet paper in there and seal that up.
Mike Mullane
#66. Make your life like toilet paper. Long and usefull.
Wolfgang Riebe
#67. It's not hard to tell we was poor - when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
George Lindsey
#68. I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
Paula Poundstone
#69. When you go to jail, there's so much simple stuff missing. You just want some good toilet paper or a real toothbrush, a real blanket and a real bed to lay in.
Ja Rule
#70. In our skulls, we carry around 3 pounds of slimy, wet, greyish tissue, corrugated like crumpled toilet paper. You wouldn't think, to look at the unappetizing lump, that it was some of the most powerful stuff in the known universe.
Eliezer Yudkowsky
#71. My aunt in Knoxville would bring newspapers up, which we used for toilet paper. Before we used it, we'd look at the pictures.
Dolly Parton
#72. You're the man who stands on the street corner with a roll of toilet paper, and written on each square are the words, 'I love you.' And each passer-by, no matter who, gets a square all his or her own. I don't want my square of toilet paper.'
I didn't realize it was toilet paper.
Kurt Vonnegut
#73. It's like leaving the bathroom with a piece of toilet paper hanging from my pants.
Krista Ritchie
#74. France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you can't tear the toilet paper.
Billy Wilder
#76. Our forests are not for toilet paper. They are worth more standing than cut. That deserves to be defended, not only by native peoples but also by environmentalists.
Winona LaDuke
#77. I love my ex so much I printed out all his pictures. After all, I need him for target practice. And I just love customised toilet paper and doormats. My only regret is that those items don't bear his autograph.
Natalya Vorobyova
#78. I'm out of tissues for toilet paper too. History notes just aren't ... up to scratch
Andrea K. Host
#79. He was the first guy to find toilet paper in my butt.
Hilary Winston
#80. The burden of keeping three people in toilet paper seemed to me rather a heavy one.
Barbara Pym
#81. Toilet paper is a right, not a privilege,
John Ringo
#82. When somebody follows you 20 blocks to the pharmacy, where they watch you buy toilet paper, you know your life has changed.
Jennifer Aniston
#83. There was no glam squad, whatsoever. There were no dressing rooms. There were no bathrooms. Let's start at our base level. We didn't have toilet paper. We went to the woods to use the bathroom.
Katie Aselton
#84. Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
Jen Lancaster
#85. If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
Paul Merton
#86. Toilet paper unrolled and slithered
then wrapped around my tummy.
That paper tried to roll me up
into an Egyptian mummy.
Melinda K. Trotter
#88. One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it's a finite resource, constantly in danger of extinction, that must be carefully tracked and monitored, like pandas?
Kelly Williams Brown
#89. If the entire week is a battlefield, reading the Bible is sort of like that parachute with the box of reserves that come in the middle of the war: food and water and the toothbrush and toilet paper.
Lauryn Hill
#90. Yo momma's breath smells so bad I don't know if I should give her a Tic Tac or a piece of toilet paper. Yo
THE CLOWN FACTORY
#91. Hemorrhoids can bleed, typically after a bowel movement, producing blood-streaked stool or toilet paper, .. The blood may turn water in the toilet bowl red. However, the amount of blood is usually small, and hemorrhoids rarely lead to severe blood loss or anemia.
Alfred The Great
#92. If loyalty was toilet paper ... we'd be hard-pressed to wipe our asses, old buddy.
Stephen King
#93. Great rolls of toilet paper arc like ejaculate through the black sycamores.
Garth Risk Hallberg
#94. The walls of her stall were covered with graffiti. If it had been funny ("Pull here for MFA Degree" right below the toilet paper dispenser) she would've stayed longer, but it was mostly weird random names and dates.
Grady Hendrix
#96. Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.
P. J. O'Rourke
#97. The only thing I use the Rolling Stone for is toilet paper when I run out.
Neal Schon
#98. Sometimes the toilet paper does not win. Sometimes a broke woman needs the red wine more.
Shonda Rhimes
#99. Endangered forests are being slaughtered for toilet paper.
Daphne Zuniga
#100. I can tell you, going out to buy toilet paper in the U.S. is a completely predictable experience.
Evan Osnos
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