Top 100 Quotes About Humor
#1. Smack me if we ever get that awful."
"But I smack you so often," she said, "how will you know that's what I'm smacking you for?"
"We shall work out a smacking code.
Gina Damico
#2. What the fuck happened to you? [...] You look like you lost a fight with a lamprey. Hickey, hickey...bruise, bruise, bruise...bite. I thought that thing on your neck the other day was just a fluke. I guess not--looks like you get off on picking up a few souvenirs when you...get off. ~Crash
Jordan Castillo Price
#3. In the future if my mother tries to shame me with her disapproval, I will let her know in no uncertain terms that I reject her and all of her codependent baggage. I am Codependent No More.
Susan Juby
#5. He curled his claw into a fist. "I'd like to shove a stake up that bastard's ass."
Adam's lip curled. "Remind me not to piss you off."
The demon raised his brow. "Trust that shit, mancy.
Jaye Wells
#6. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
#7. Everything about you fascinates me, Sophie. The smell of your skin. The sound of your voice. Your long legs. Your sense of humor. Your personality. You don't seem to need me, and if you don't need me, it is much more gratifying that you want me.
Elisa Marie Hopkins
#8. Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty?
Brandon Sanderson
#9. I looked over at Edwart. It occurred to me that I had never seen him in direct sunlight. Interestingly enough, I had also never seen him sparkle. Could the two be related?
The Harvard Lampoon
#10. Hell hath no fury like a queen scorned. ...
... That would be the last time he made a crack about being a flamer to someone with a flamethrower for hands. Though he'd really lost it when Raven sang the lyric to Disco Inferno.
J.T. Bock
#12. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Steven Wright
#13. He looks up, sees me in the window, and jumps a little. Good. Let him think I'm a weird Mexican place mat ghost.
Anna Breslaw
#14. One man's warfare is another man's welfare.
Timothy Pina
#15. Pathetic, huh?" He learned that word
from me.
"Yeah. It's like the opposite of a fish,
right?
Hannah Moskowitz
#16. Catholic schools carry out a great mission, to serve God by building knowledge and character ... By teaching the word of God, you prepare your students to follow a path of virtue.
George W. Bush
#17. It's as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it's impossible not to lead a spiritual life ...
the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief in god, the chain of events leading from silent awareness to physical reality remains intact.
Deepak Chopra
#18. Acheron: You're really not right, are you?
Nick: Yeah. I know. It was all the paint chips I ate as a kid. They were good, but chromosomally damaging
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#19. There's a fine mascara line between genius and insanity
Josh Stern
#20. It was mild monsters like these that made Jack the Ripper go after young women, she decided: who could tolerate yielding the world to someone who behaved as if she had given birth to the very world herself?
Gregory Maguire
#21. No offense, Jaron, but I don't want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be."
"Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?"
"No."
"Then you didn't even get a taste.
Jennifer A. Nielsen
#22. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
#23. Don't tell me it's going to fucking be okay! I am not okay with being that fucker's pinata!
Nenia Campbell
#24. And then - thwack! - Anne had brought her slate down on Gilbert's head and cracked it - slate not head - clear across.
L.M. Montgomery
#25. What do you have in this car?" he asked.
"What do you mean, like weapons?"
"That would be a good start."
"Well, I 've got a mini Swiss Army Knife on my key chain."
"A two-inch stainless steel blade and a nail file. They might as well surrender to us now ...
Richard Castle
#26. Thought you were making a James Band Joke. Hard to tell with that accent
G. Norman Lippert
#27. You only break out the good stuff when you want something. Usually something that includes blood, death, and/or mayhem.
Alexandra Ivy
#28. Well, I've almost got the problem licked. I'm eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I'll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee)
J. Golden Kimball
#29. Dont allow a worthless bitch to cause you lose an irreplaceable queen
Prince Simus
#30. The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Russell Howard
#31. He wondered if it was safe to grin. Very slowly and carefully, he grinned. It was safe.
Douglas Adams
#32. Were faulty embalming and premature decay a dead hypochondriac's worst fears?
E.V. Iverson
#33. My God, the corruptions of literature. It put all these notions into our heads.
Charles Baxter
#34. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
Tim Vine
#35. Humor is the ability to see three sides to one coin.
Ned Rorem
#36. There are times when I love to play all kinds of complicated games in painting. But this is one case when I need to be fairly straightforward. I'll just try to paint the man, his intelligence, his amiability and his stature, maybe paint him fairly close to humor and try to get it just right.
Nelson Shanks
#38. Damn, Ty, I'm getting slizzard," Mel says, sending everyone into bouts of laughter. "Dumb ass, you don't have a G6. You can't get slizzard in a frickin' Prius," I joke with her. We all laugh again
Julie Prestsater
#39. You might as well laugh at yourself,
everyone else is.
B.J. Neblett
#40. My teacher asked my favorite color. ... I said 'Rainbow'.... and I was punished to stand out of my class.
Saket Assertive
#41. Religions are strange. They seem to be caught in some dream which they won't give up and trying to convince others of the truth of their dream, when in fact each person is having their own dream. Take what you need from the religions and just leave the rest, and be all right with that.
Art Hochberg
#42. Why don't you and I have a nice penetrating man-to-man conversation?
Sanami Matoh
#43. As they climbed into their saddles, Myron bowed his head and muttered a soft prayer.
"There," Hadrian told Royce, "we've got Maribor on our side. Now you can relax."
"Actually," Myron said sheepishly, "I was praying for the horses. But I will pray for you as well," he added hastily.
Michael J. Sullivan
#44. Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
Alan McKay
#45. I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
Brian Regan
#46. If your opponent has you by fifty pounds, winning a fight against him is a dubious proposition, at best. If your opponent has you by eight thousand and fifty pounds, you've left the realm of combat and enrolled yourself in Road-kill 101. Or possibly in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
Jim Butcher
#47. Remember guls," preached Mrs. Gulbenk, always holding the most perfect red tomato in her hand for all of us to admire, "you can fry 'em, bake 'em, stew 'em, and congeal 'em. A good wife and mutha will always have a tomata on hand.:
Susan Gregg Gilmore
#48. He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Mae West
#49. The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs and the abominable cavity contains the bowels of which there are five: a, e, i, o, u.
Tom Magliozzi
#50. I do not eat breakfast. i never eat breakfast. I haven't eaten breakfast since I was able to walk out the back door without eating breakfast first.
David Levithan
#51. If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.
Yogi Berra
#52. The way you might fear a cow sitting down in the middle of the street during rush hour, that's how I fear Canadians.
Maria Semple
#53. I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.
Jon S. Lewis
#54. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.
Kendall Ryan
#55. What is humor?' one of their professors had posed, and he had answered, 'nondangerous, unexpectedly inappropriate juxtaposition.
Sena Jeter Naslund
#57. Life is supposed to have ups and downs. But for me, it's been more like ups and downs ... and downs ... and downs.
James Patterson
#58. Being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness.
Wendy Wasserstein
#59. Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
Ambrose Bierce
#60. When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine
Margaret Thatcher
#61. Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me.
"I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks.
Richelle Mead
#62. How can anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is ME.
Morrissey
#63. Where. Is. He?" Alphonse repeated, although it sounded more like "Don't make me eat your face.
Karen Chance
#64. You can't possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk." Meg's smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up.
Cari Hunter
#65. The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology's only credible conspiracy.
Bauvard
#66. I never cared for red headed men. I think they look like shrimp boiled to peel.
Anita Diamant
#67. But you hardley even know him"she said."He could be a serial killer"
"I did have that thought.I checked the apartment out,but if his got an ice cooler full of arms in it,I havent seen it yet.Anyway he seems pretty since.
Cassandra Clare
#68. Fighting! Fighting like white-trash dumb monkey ...
-Park's mom
Rainbow Rowell
#69. The Lord help us!' he soliloquised in an undertone of peevish displeasure, while relieving me of my horse: looking, meantime, in my face so sourly that I charitably conjectured he must have need of divine aid to digest his dinner, and his pious ejaculation had no reference to my unexpected advent.
Emily Bronte
#70. The main characteristics of effective leadership are intelligence, integrity or loyalty, mystique, humor, discipline, courage, self sufficieny and confidence.
James Fisher
#71. I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn't stop sending me these notification emails...how many times do I have to turn them off?
Melanie Marchande
#72. I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
Steve Martin
#74. Locals? I hit print on the shock file, and my face was the paper that came out of the printer! Locals! I had no idea this deep into the green inferno there'd be people living! Or dying!
Mark Gunk
#76. How do you like your eggs?" she said. "Hard or soft?"
"Hard," he bit out. "Why am I not surprised.
J.R. Ward
#77. A title from the1966 movie
"The Russians Are Coming,
The Russians Are Coming,"
gives a new meaning to
a phrase: "wait a minute,
we've seen this movie before
Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur
#78. He could do this. He'd survived boot camp. He'd survived combat and the harsh weather of Afghanistan. He could survive broccoli. Probably.
Shannon Stacey
#79. John Longridge, the cook at Harley-street, had suffered from low spirits for more than thirty years, and he was quick to welcome Stephen as a newcomer to the freemasonry of melancholy.
Susanna Clarke
#80. W. P. Kinsella, who was born on a farm near Edmunton, Alberta, has earned wide recognition for his wild imagination and rash humor as a writer.
Gerald Vizenor
#81. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
#82. It rained toads the day the White Council came to town.
Jim Butcher
#84. Well, how did you die, then?" the old man finally asked.
"Die?" Matthew threw back. "Are you crazy? I'm not dead. I'm just very late.
J. Tonzelli
#86. Harry, we saw Uranus up close!" said Ron, still giggling feebly. "Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus - ha ha ha -
J.K. Rowling
#87. Arrive at the net with the puck and in ill humor.
Fred Shero
#88. I hear myself saying these words: What this movement is about is options. I say it to friends who are frustrated, or housebound, or guilty, or child-laden, and what I'm really thinking is, If you really got it together, the option you would choose is mine.
Nora Ephron
#89. I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don't know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.
P.G. Wodehouse
#90. I've got a great sense of humor, and if I'm able to say or do something in a movie that people feel like they want to repeat, that's hugely flattering.
Matthew McConaughey
#91. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
#92. If you're making love to a man of God, then God must endorse your lovemaking.
Eileen Pollack
#93. He had been drunk over in town, and laid in the gutter all night, and he was a sight to look at. A body would a thought he was Adam, he was just all mud.
Mark Twain
#95. Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind .
"Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius
Jim Butcher
#96. My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
#97. And sometimes when you're very mixed-up inside, you do things you know you shouldn't do.
Barbara Park
#99. Or perhaps Zeus was just messing with me again - giving me a taste of my old power before yanking it away once more. Remember this, kid? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
Rick Riordan
#100. The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God's will just by breathing.
Maya Banks
