Top 100 Jokes Are Quotes
#2. There were some particular themes that I knew I wanted to hit, and when I got deeper into the project I found that it was becoming serious in and on its own. By the end, it's not very funny at all. I think, now, that part of the power of the book is that the jokes are kind of sparkly distractions.
Moshe Kasher
#3. Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
Washington Irving
#4. Woody Allen - nobody has been a better joke teller than him - and even in his great films, it's always coming out of the character. If you don't have that, jokes are just empty and I think that people rely too much on jokes.
Brett Gelman
#5. It's just what they are - they're jokes ... most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks ... I can't determine what offends another person.
Paula Deen
#6. Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humour is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.
Frank Muir
#7. I'm probably going to get in trouble for this but 'American Dad' is one of my favourite shows. It gets very dark in places but the jokes are there.
Donald Glover
#8. Profane, vulgar, or crude language and inappropriate or off-color jokes are offensive to the Lord. Never misuse the name of God or Jesus Christ.
Thomas S. Monson
#9. Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
Steven Wright
#11. But some jokes are hilarious until they become true and they're not so funny anymore.
Jonathan Dunne
#12. Indescribably filthy jokes are perpetrated by a ventriloquist with the aid of a puppet.
(Quoted from the Bulletin of The Juvenile Protective Association, May 1921)
Frederic Milton Thrasher
#13. My best jokes are so cheap. All I do is say things sarcastically.
Adam Brody
#14. Laughter, Susannah would later reflect, is like a hurricane: once it reaches a certain point, it becomes self-feeding, self-supporting. You laugh not because the jokes are funny but because your own condition is funny.
Stephen King
#15. I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from the character, the behavior, and not from the jokes. I don't think jokes are funny. Humor comes out of character and out of situations the character is in.
Bernard Sahlins
#16. Musician jokes are a kind of joke that usually have to do with how much money someone makes. Musicians are always starving, so they're really mean to each other about who makes what.
Jackson Browne
#17. Jokes are ideally pleasurable. They are an act of assassination without a corpse, a moment of total annihilation that paradoxically makes anything possible.
Penelope Gilliatt
#18. I am edgy, raw, offensive, vulgar, untruthful, but intelligent. My jokes are always realistic. I do not make fun of children or people who cannot fight back. That is my limitation.
Vir Das
#19. Of course my jokes are in poor taste, inappropriate, and confused; they reveal my lack of security. But that is because I have no respect for myself.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
#20. I think jokes are a perfectly viable form of literature. Some critics take issue with me because I make my points and discuss my ideas with jokes, rather than with oceanic tragedy.
Kurt Vonnegut
#24. Get it into your thick head that jokes are just like life. Things that begin badly, end badly. Everything's fine in the middle, it's the end you need to worry about.
Laszlo Krasznahorkai
#25. The people that become the biggest jokes are people who do not change. They stay the way they were in the past. Look at Michael Jackson, he never evolved.
Corey Feldman
#26. Your jokes are terrible."
Greg grinned, walking me backwards into my suite and wagging his eyebrows he corrected me, "It's pronounced
tremendous.
Penny Reid
#27. I sort of try to write everything for me. I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio. I'm trying to make sure the jokes are self-contained so they're accessible to everyone.
Norm MacDonald
#28. Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.
Felipe Esparza
#29. I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
David Letterman
#30. To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct.
John Waters
#31. When I look at my audience, I can tell better who's in the crowd and the kind of joke I shouldn't do. It's just complicated. I guess I sift through to make sure these jokes are a little different with not such a harsh edge to them. That's pretty much how I handle the crowd.
Larry The Cable Guy
#32. I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
Drew Carey
#33. You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.
John Oliver
#34. My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Emo Philips
#35. She doesn't really have a sense of humor. I think she'd like to have one - it's just that she doesn't quite understand what jokes are for.
Sophie Kinsella
#36. The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.
Kurt Vonnegut
#37. Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.
Louis C.K.
#38. Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.
Rob Corddry
#39. Jokes are very curious things psychologically.
James Callis
#40. I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.
Brian Regan
#41. Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.
Frank Carson
#43. Choose your friends because you feel most like yourself around them, because the jokes are easy and you feel like you're in your best outfit when you're with them, even though you're just in a t-shirt.
Caitlin Moran
#44. Some jokes are stupid and useless, if you can't get it. It's to stupid to go in it, but whatever!
- Make your choice!
Deyth Banger
#46. In Hollywood, it's hard to be funny, because all the big jokes are in Washington.
Rich Little
#47. With the Tonys it's a little tricky because a lot of the funnier jokes are more insider, so people watching at home may not get a Julie Taymor reference the way that New Yorkers would. So you have to figure out what comedy plays to a large audience and still respect the individuals who are there.
Neil Patrick Harris
#48. Jokes are a lot about meaning. I think if we understand what jokes mean and why they work, we'd understand everything else. Genuinely I do.
John Lloyd
#49. Jokes are hilarious only when you take them unreal and dreamlike, otherwise it becomes painful. So I always live otherworldly ...
Saket Assertive
#50. Jokes are actually played by life, which after calls tragedies
Samar Sudha
#51. Like great art, something essential dies when great jokes are explained. So what's the key to telling a good joke/creating great art timing.
Travis Nichols
#52. I think I love jokes! The best jokes are equal to the best art, in my mind, and as rare.
Travis Nichols
#53. One of the marvelous things about Churchill is that whatever he was doing, whether fighting or arguing or despairing or bouncing about full of energy, jokes are never far away.
Paul Johnson
#54. Please", I scoff. "Dot-com jokes are so two visions ago. Stay on your toes, Angotti, or you're off the team.
Lisa McMann
#55. Jokes are another example of stupidity... we are so wise and so clever and we do stupid stuff, how wise is that?
Jokes on stage of being serious... when you aren't serious what you get is more likely somebody being in state of seriousness.
Deyth Banger
#56. Someone to whom jokes are never told soon contracts enthusiasm deficiency.
Hanif Kureishi
#57. The jokes are great but what really matters for a comedian is his performance, his whole attitude, and the laughs that he gets between the jokes rather than on top of the jokes.
Jack Dee
#58. Don't worry, Mrs. Colder. For the most part, we keep him leashed and gagged. We only let him free when the cute little animal jokes are needed.
~Sherra Callahan (on Kane Tyler)~
Lora Leigh
#59. Their whole life, they're the center of attention. People want to be around them just because they're attractive. Their jokes are funnier. Their lives are better. And then suddenly, they get bags under their eyes or they put on a little weight and no one cares about
Karin Slaughter
#60. Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.
George Mikes
#62. I think there is much more storytelling in stand-up now. Less emphasis on the joke. Jokes are still important, but it feels like a more intimate and personal experience these days.
Doug Benson
#63. It's like one of those scenes from a feel-good Hollywood movie. Where everybody is happy and nobody's hair fizzes in the wind. Where it doesn't rain, your shoes stay comfortable all day, and everybody's jokes are funny.
Randa Abdel-Fattah
#64. The best jokes are often only understood by one other person.
Barry Humphries
#65. Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them.
Jimmy Fallon
#68. Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways.
Mike Birbiglia
#69. Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.'
Ron Funches
#70. Ultimately, jokes are this really special thing that we can all share. It's exciting to have basically a thousand people in a room together that can laugh at the same time, but I think of it almost as, like, a religious experience.
Mike Birbiglia
#71. Looking back, I remember my family laughing a lot. We were never the kind of people that dwelled on hard times. My family laughs when things are tough. Growing up like that, I got used to making jokes about things that were difficult. So when I started doing stand-up, that's what I went towards.
Cristela Alonzo
#72. At least you are back to being normal size." She gave a strangled laugh. "If the size of a cucumber on steroids is normal that is.
Charlene Hartnady
#73. Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.
Stella Benson
#74. I think people need to laugh everyday. Whether the economy is good or bad, I think the most important thing is to laugh and to feel positive, if you are laughing at something positive. But if you are laughing at mean jokes then it's a wash.
Ellen DeGeneres
#75. Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
Lewis Black
#76. If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time.
Michael J. Fox
#77. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst
Anonymous
#78. Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
Zach Galifianakis
#79. If you do something that is not gags and punchlines and is character-based, where there are no jokes as such, then it all has to come from a place of truth, and I love that - I love nothing more than getting very serious about my comedy.
Darren Boyd
#80. I had a dream about you last night... we tried to joke but neither could make any sense. We realized that puns are present in every language, though not shared by any of them.
Marshall Ramsay
#81. I try to play the stiff, as much as I can, and play it dry, which is sometimes hard for me. My problem with comedy is to want to clown it up, but she's the funny one. Those are her jokes, not mine. For me, it's a lot of not doing anything. I just don't want to muck it up.
John Cho
#82. I have a problem with telling jokes about physics. Quite often the audience have no idea what you are talking about and, to be honest, I don't know what I'm talking about either.
Robin Ince
#83. The best joke-tellers are those who have the patience to wait for conversation to come around to the point where the jokes in their repertoire have application.
Joseph Epstein
#84. That sun is lookin' good ... and hot! Get it? Hilarious! My joke writers are awesome.
Tom Bergeron
#85. You have to begin to develop a repertory of jokes, multi-plane spiritual jokes, the sort of things the Zen masters tell each other when they're asleep. These are the secret teachings.
Frederick Lenz
#86. Not everyone gets jokes. But to many jokes in one time are never good idea!
Deyth Banger
#87. You see a lot of sketch variety shows where each segment is one joke that they repeat over and over and over again, and the sketches are always three or four minutes too long.
Eric Andre
#89. That's what my books are, now that I'm a grownup - mosaics of jokes.
Kurt Vonnegut
#90. I'm not gonna name names, but sometimes when reporters are talking, it gets a little boring because I don't have any jokes to tell because the questions are so serious.
Quvenzhane Wallis
#91. I'm a goof. I talk too much. I tell stories. I tell cheesy Dad jokes. I'm theatrical and I'll mix things up and I'll surprise people. Those are the things that I just do because that's who I am.
William Beckett
#92. Some [jests] are becoming to a gentleman, others are not; see that you choose such as become you. Irony better befits a gentleman than buffoonery; the ironical man jokes to amuse himself, the buffoon to amuse other people.
Aristotle.
#93. I think those that are holier-than-thou don't make jokes. They take themselves too seriously and Peeta doesn't take himself too seriously. This is what I believe in and I'm comfortable with that and I can make a joke here and there.
Josh Hutcherson
#94. I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."
Jim Gaffigan
#95. They are "sexcellent". That is a pun for you, you will find lots of puns on the internet! Also: blonde jokes.
Ryan North
#96. I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.
Aziz Ansari
#97. Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you've got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality witticism? There are boy bands with more original material.
John Green
#98. I'm sorry There are some jokes you cannot understand until you have been a fool many, many years and thought yourself finally cured and then found out that you had just become a different kind of fool.
Robert Anton Wilson
#99. I suppose I'm going on stage and making jokes about the fact that the audience are expecting the show to be about something and that they might learn something.
Andrew Lawrence
#100. Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
Stephen Colbert
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
