Top 100 Jokes Are Quotes
#1. Looking back, I remember my family laughing a lot. We were never the kind of people that dwelled on hard times. My family laughs when things are tough. Growing up like that, I got used to making jokes about things that were difficult. So when I started doing stand-up, that's what I went towards.
Cristela Alonzo
#2. Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
Washington Irving
#3. At least you are back to being normal size." She gave a strangled laugh. "If the size of a cucumber on steroids is normal that is.
Charlene Hartnady
#4. Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.
Stella Benson
#5. I think people need to laugh everyday. Whether the economy is good or bad, I think the most important thing is to laugh and to feel positive, if you are laughing at something positive. But if you are laughing at mean jokes then it's a wash.
Ellen DeGeneres
#6. Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
Lewis Black
#7. If you have doubts about someone, lay on a couple of jokes. If he doesn't find anything funny, your radar should be screaming. Then I would say be patient with people who are negative, because they're really having a hard time.
Michael J. Fox
#8. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst
Anonymous
#9. I'm probably going to get in trouble for this but 'American Dad' is one of my favourite shows. It gets very dark in places but the jokes are there.
Donald Glover
#10. Profane, vulgar, or crude language and inappropriate or off-color jokes are offensive to the Lord. Never misuse the name of God or Jesus Christ.
Thomas S. Monson
#11. Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
Steven Wright
#12. Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
Zach Galifianakis
#13. If you do something that is not gags and punchlines and is character-based, where there are no jokes as such, then it all has to come from a place of truth, and I love that - I love nothing more than getting very serious about my comedy.
Darren Boyd
#14. Indescribably filthy jokes are perpetrated by a ventriloquist with the aid of a puppet.
(Quoted from the Bulletin of The Juvenile Protective Association, May 1921)
Frederic Milton Thrasher
#15. I had a dream about you last night... we tried to joke but neither could make any sense. We realized that puns are present in every language, though not shared by any of them.
Marshall Ramsay
#16. I try to play the stiff, as much as I can, and play it dry, which is sometimes hard for me. My problem with comedy is to want to clown it up, but she's the funny one. Those are her jokes, not mine. For me, it's a lot of not doing anything. I just don't want to muck it up.
John Cho
#17. I have a problem with telling jokes about physics. Quite often the audience have no idea what you are talking about and, to be honest, I don't know what I'm talking about either.
Robin Ince
#18. The best joke-tellers are those who have the patience to wait for conversation to come around to the point where the jokes in their repertoire have application.
Joseph Epstein
#19. That sun is lookin' good ... and hot! Get it? Hilarious! My joke writers are awesome.
Tom Bergeron
#20. You have to begin to develop a repertory of jokes, multi-plane spiritual jokes, the sort of things the Zen masters tell each other when they're asleep. These are the secret teachings.
Frederick Lenz
#21. Not everyone gets jokes. But to many jokes in one time are never good idea!
Deyth Banger
#22. I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from the character, the behavior, and not from the jokes. I don't think jokes are funny. Humor comes out of character and out of situations the character is in.
Bernard Sahlins
#23. You see a lot of sketch variety shows where each segment is one joke that they repeat over and over and over again, and the sketches are always three or four minutes too long.
Eric Andre
#24. Musician jokes are a kind of joke that usually have to do with how much money someone makes. Musicians are always starving, so they're really mean to each other about who makes what.
Jackson Browne
#25. I am edgy, raw, offensive, vulgar, untruthful, but intelligent. My jokes are always realistic. I do not make fun of children or people who cannot fight back. That is my limitation.
Vir Das
#27. That's what my books are, now that I'm a grownup - mosaics of jokes.
Kurt Vonnegut
#28. I'm not gonna name names, but sometimes when reporters are talking, it gets a little boring because I don't have any jokes to tell because the questions are so serious.
Quvenzhane Wallis
#29. The people that become the biggest jokes are people who do not change. They stay the way they were in the past. Look at Michael Jackson, he never evolved.
Corey Feldman
#30. I'm a goof. I talk too much. I tell stories. I tell cheesy Dad jokes. I'm theatrical and I'll mix things up and I'll surprise people. Those are the things that I just do because that's who I am.
William Beckett
#31. Some [jests] are becoming to a gentleman, others are not; see that you choose such as become you. Irony better befits a gentleman than buffoonery; the ironical man jokes to amuse himself, the buffoon to amuse other people.
Aristotle.
#32. Your jokes are terrible."
Greg grinned, walking me backwards into my suite and wagging his eyebrows he corrected me, "It's pronounced
tremendous.
Penny Reid
#33. I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
David Letterman
#34. I think those that are holier-than-thou don't make jokes. They take themselves too seriously and Peeta doesn't take himself too seriously. This is what I believe in and I'm comfortable with that and I can make a joke here and there.
Josh Hutcherson
#35. I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."
Jim Gaffigan
#36. They are "sexcellent". That is a pun for you, you will find lots of puns on the internet! Also: blonde jokes.
Ryan North
#37. I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind working and you are able to come up with new tags for jokes and just riff off things in the room.
Aziz Ansari
#38. Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you've got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality witticism? There are boy bands with more original material.
John Green
#39. I'm sorry There are some jokes you cannot understand until you have been a fool many, many years and thought yourself finally cured and then found out that you had just become a different kind of fool.
Robert Anton Wilson
#40. I suppose I'm going on stage and making jokes about the fact that the audience are expecting the show to be about something and that they might learn something.
Andrew Lawrence
#41. Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
Stephen Colbert
#42. The most casual examination will reveal the fact that all the jokes about the horrible results of masculine cooking and sewing are written by men. It is all part of a great scheme of sex propaganda.
Heywood Broun
#43. There are elements of that, where you'll see a scene again and you'll recognize it, but I wouldn't say it's got one conceit like that, at all. It definitely has those jokes, but it would be wrong to say this is a show where, every time you see it, you see a new angle.
Mitchell Hurwitz
#44. The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.
Kurt Vonnegut
#45. When we hear jokes against women, and we are asked why we don't laugh at them, the answer is easy, simple, and short. Of course we're not laughing ... Nobody laughs at the sight of their own blood.
Naomi Weisstein
#46. Humorists are using Twitter to tell jokes in an interesting way. It doesn't have to be profound, and it doesn't have to be earth-shaking, but it is transformative.
James Gleick
#47. That's how inside jokes usually are. Funny to those inside, annoying as shit to the rest of the world.
Siobhan Vivian
#48. Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.
Louis C.K.
#49. Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously.
Rob Corddry
#50. I tend to have a lot of jokes about ex-girlfriends. They always ask me if they will be the subject of a joke, and I always tell them they won't. Unless they do something crazy. They all tend to, so you know where that goes. There are no closed doors. The 'art' will suffer.
Adam DeVine
#51. Laugh and fear not, creatures. Now that you are no longer dumb and witless, you need not always be grave. For jokes as well as justice come in with speech.
C.S. Lewis
#52. When you have a cast and crew of people who make it light hearted and crack jokes, and break treats, and understand that we are all in this together. That's a biggest plus that you can have.
Jill Scott
#53. I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.
Brian Regan
#54. Women are often pushed into the idea that they write softer, more character-driven jokes.
Allison Silverman
#56. Choose your friends because you feel most like yourself around them, because the jokes are easy and you feel like you're in your best outfit when you're with them, even though you're just in a t-shirt.
Caitlin Moran
#57. And there's so much extra material. I mean, I've certainly read as you asked about do I read reviews and stuff, like people are like none of the jokes in the trailers are like in the movie. And it's like and we have whole sequences and scenes that weren't in the movie.
Nicholas Stoller
#59. As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
Joan Rivers
#60. We humans are not born alone; joining and being active in a club whose members share your passion for ideas and get your jokes is one of the great joys of life.
Richard Lederer
#61. People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off.
Sanaa Lathan
#62. Joke exchanges are carried on in deadly earnest, like a verbal duel-mouth-to-mouth combat. Bang, bang: you're (linguistically) dead.
David Crystal
#63. If you think of the people who are funny in your life, you'll note it's not because they tell jokes, it's because of their character. If you develop characters, then you'll know them, and you'll know how they'll speak. The comedy will come out of the character.
Anne Beatts
#64. Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor.
Stephen Colbert
#65. So many gay jokes tonight about (James) Franco. Apparently if you're clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.
Aziz Ansari
#66. People are attracted to entertainment, for sure, or jokes, excitement and romantically heightened stories that might be false, but are still attractive fantasies.
Bennett Miller
#67. It was not easy to get to where I am. My challenge is to learn to deal with the jokes that are common among men that I heard and continue to hear sometimes among men.
Maria Das Gracas Silva Foster
#68. I don't think our lives actually unfold with morals attached to them, or meanings that are easily extracted, or jokes designed to generate sympathy. I wanted to do the opposite - to offer up a life whose meanings can only be perceived through a tangle of desires, confusions, and textural details.
Kevin Brockmeier
#69. When People in sales are at work, they are at war.
Honeya
#70. Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo?
Rob Delaney
#71. Like great art, something essential dies when great jokes are explained. So what's the key to telling a good joke/creating great art timing.
Travis Nichols
#72. I think I love jokes! The best jokes are equal to the best art, in my mind, and as rare.
Travis Nichols
#73. I think people love to be noticed, they love to feel included. A lot of people are flattered if you, you know, if you make jokes about them, or I think because it means they're known.
Jennifer Saunders
#74. Of course, there are the old hardcore teacher types like me who sit around and tell jokes, realizing, what's the difference anyway - it's all timeless.
Frederick Lenz
#75. I like situational comedy when people are being completely serious and yet you can find something extremely funny, not jokes.
Bruce Robinson
#76. Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting.
Lord Chesterfield
#77. My husband jokes that I'll invite people over for dinner and he won't know who they are or where I met them. But in my work world, I've never really been tempted to tell too much of my story.
Carrie-Anne Moss
#78. I want to roll my eyes, but I'm pretty soon they're going to get stuck in the back of my head, and penis puns are really not worth my permanent facial damage.
Lauren Morrill
#79. Don't worry, Mrs. Colder. For the most part, we keep him leashed and gagged. We only let him free when the cute little animal jokes are needed.
~Sherra Callahan (on Kane Tyler)~
Lora Leigh
#80. I always have humour in my action movies. I think characters that make jokes under fire are more real. It somehow helps put you in their shoes.
Shane Black
#81. Their whole life, they're the center of attention. People want to be around them just because they're attractive. Their jokes are funnier. Their lives are better. And then suddenly, they get bags under their eyes or they put on a little weight and no one cares about
Karin Slaughter
#82. I think it's worth trying to be a mother who delights in who her children are, in their knock-knock jokes and earnest questions. A mother who spends less time obsessing about what will happen, or what has happened, and more time reveling in what is.
Ayelet Waldman
#83. I certainly know all about the Jersey jokes that amuse the rest of the country. You've probably heard them. Our state bird is the mosquito. Our state tree is dead. It doesn't help that we are represented on television by Tony Soprano and 'Jersey Shore.'
Sharon Kay Penman
#85. I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
Anthony Jeselnik
#86. I actually like jokes as well as things that are sort of fun.
Mitt Romney
#87. Like I said, a sketch is one joke. They shouldn't really be more than a minute, two minutes. There are some shows where the sketch goes on for five minutes. It's like, "I get it! I'm already bored. I did like the joke, but I don't anymore, because you went on too long."
Eric Andre
#88. There are always a lot of jokes and good vibes floating through the studio so tattooing all day doesn't feel like a job. It's rewarding to see my clients as excited as I am.
William Webb
#89. We have arrived at the point where we are flippant about God. We tell jokes about Him. God's name is used so often in profanity in the entertainment world that sometimes it is embarrassing to watch television.
Billy Graham
#90. By reusing jokes, you train yourself to alter them in ways that are unique to you, developing your own natural sense of humor.
Charlie Houpert
#91. Please leave my computer alone.. The only cookies I want to get are the ones I can eat.
Heather Wolf
#92. Dwarves are still the butt of jokes. It's one of the last bastions of acceptable prejudice.
Peter Dinklage
#93. I care more about making sure the story is correct and the characters are behaving in character than I do about the individual jokes.
Michael Schur
#94. Overseas, language barriers keep me from doing a lot of talking and some of the jokes that I think are funny and they're like crickets. I have to sharpen up on that.
Avery Sunshine
#95. I like things that are immature and offbeat and bizarre. Random jokes. Weird stuff. And stupid. Stupid is the highest compliment a person can pay to me.
Andy Samberg
#96. I believe that a perfect house is like a perfect person; no one really wants to be around them and everyone secretly hates them. Be the weird person. Be the interesting person, the person that sometimes says inappropriate things or laughs too loud at jokes, and have your home reflect who you are.
Emily Henderson
#97. What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
Steven Wright
#98. Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways.
Mike Birbiglia
#99. That, my dear Liv, was confidence. Talk to someone. Make jokes with them. Seem interested in what they are saying even if they're dull as mud." He shrugged. "Anyone... anyone at all, can be glamoured if you know how.
Danika Stone
#100. Ultimately, jokes are this really special thing that we can all share. It's exciting to have basically a thousand people in a room together that can laugh at the same time, but I think of it almost as, like, a religious experience.
Mike Birbiglia
