Jokes And Funny Quotes

#1. We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why.

Daniel Dennett

#2. There's always a source for humor [in politics]. If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny. So it sort of selects itself. It has to. And plus, often something that wouldn't be funny at the time is okay to make jokes about later.

Calvin Trillin

#3. There is funny ha-ha, and there is funny peculiar, and beneath a trapdoor in Kevin's mind is a place where the two blur together, the place of jokes, churning so furiously frequently, when it kicks up a line, he has no idea what it will turn out to be.

Kevin Brockmeier

#4. She never wanted an extravagant life-- only one filled with simple joys like children, family, friendship, good books, funny jokes, and a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

S.A. Huchton

#5. The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine that vein a lot. This isn't just common to me; it's anybody who's funny.

Bill Bryson

#6. To me, the highest expression of life is art with jokes. It's very rarified, very difficult to accomplish if you want to be more than just funny and more than just jokes about human gaseousness.

Neil Peart

#7. I find that when I tell lawyer jokes to a mixed audience, the lawyers don't think they're funny and the non-lawyers don't think they're jokes.

John Roberts

#8. I don't laugh so much at jokes and premises as I do at a guy who goes onstage and starts twitching and acting funny.

Harland Williams

#9. With comedy, the jokes will come out, and people will see them coming. Changes in daily life or current events can change the consciousness of audiences and can make the show less funny or feel more stale.

Robert Lopez

#10. If you think of the people who are funny in your life, you'll note it's not because they tell jokes, it's because of their character. If you develop characters, then you'll know them, and you'll know how they'll speak. The comedy will come out of the character.

Anne Beatts

#11. I wanted to be funny. And I'm always acknowledged for my pranks and jokes nowadays.

Steve Wozniak

#12. For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

Jim Gaffigan

#13. With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it's absolutely not true. If I get home from a long day and he says: 'Go on, get in the kitchen,' it's funny because we know it's not our lives.

Emily Browning

#14. What did the soup say to the tea plate?
"You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

Ana Claudia Antunes

#15. As an actor, it's always fun when you're able to feel like there's freedom to explore things and try out jokes and be funny.

Busy Philipps

#16. I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'

Aziz Ansari

#17. I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

Mark Russell

#18. One thing I would say is real cops have real gallows senses of humor and make incredibly funny and inappropriate jokes in the presence of dead people all the time.

Daniel J. Goor

#19. I don't really tell a joke, I react to situations. The whole thing is just looking at somebody and showing all our weaknesses and exaggerating them, and that's how it becomes funny.

Don Rickles

#20. I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.

Jimmy Fallon

#21. What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning
and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

Lewis Carroll

#22. What I didn't realize is that the writing process for comedies is that you do your table read, and if you aren't funny on that first day during the table read, they take your jokes away and give them to somebody else.

David Morse

#23. I have a really analytical approach to art. And the whole idea that you can't analyze what makes a joke funny ... I do not agree with that at all.

David Rees

#24. Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

Lemony Snicket

#25. me in bed - with a honeymoon present. Some of them were small, some were funny jokes, and some were extravagant, but every present came straight

James Patterson

#26. Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting.

Lord Chesterfield

#27. Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.'

Ron Funches

#28. What makes a good animated movie is being able to balance adult and knowing in-jokes and also just out and out funny things that make all people laugh. The idea that it's actually something that will appeal to a family, that's the trick.

Benedict Cumberbatch

#29. My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this.

Joel Klein

#30. Another day gone and no jokes.

Flann O'Brien

#31. Overseas, language barriers keep me from doing a lot of talking and some of the jokes that I think are funny and they're like crickets. I have to sharpen up on that.

Avery Sunshine

#32. It's like one of those scenes from a feel-good Hollywood movie. Where everybody is happy and nobody's hair fizzes in the wind. Where it doesn't rain, your shoes stay comfortable all day, and everybody's jokes are funny.

Randa Abdel-Fattah

#33. Very funny, my lady. And that reminds me"
he pointed a finger at her
"no horse jokes."
He was making it too easy. "Ah, my lord, why the long face?"
"That's it!

Cynthia Hand

#34. I loved Omar Vizquel. He tells some really long jokes, and he has his own way of telling them, but he can make every joke very funny. He would always come up with jokes on the loudspeaker on the bus.

Steve Finley

#35. Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw.

Woody Allen

#36. Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.

Jon Stewart

#37. I want to roll my eyes, but I'm pretty soon they're going to get stuck in the back of my head, and penis puns are really not worth my permanent facial damage.

Lauren Morrill

#38. Like, I'm lazy, but I'm also good at not-doing things I'm not supposed to do ... Being funny is a way of not-doing. Sit around and make jokes and be Mr. Funny pants and just make fun of everyone else's attempts to do something.

John Green

#39. There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

Fred Allen

#40. I like situational comedy when people are being completely serious and yet you can find something extremely funny, not jokes.

Bruce Robinson

#41. Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#42. I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make people laugh. There was a set of students who would find it funny. But the cool students were like, 'Eeew!'

Issa Rae

#43. I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject.

Doug Benson

#44. There is always something funny going on between scenes with Adam Sandler. He's always cracking jokes and yelling at people for no reason. It's pretty funny. He'll joke around during scenes, too. When he guest-starred on 'Jessie,' there was nothing in the script that he said first take.

Cameron Boyce

#45. Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#46. I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

Fakeer Ishavardas

#47. One more victim sucked in by John. You get into the room with him and you just fall into a warm pool of beer and video games and penis jokes, staring at the universe with him and saying, Do you believe this shit?

David Wong

#48. He toyed with the idea of trying to be like the other boys. But he couldn't think of any jokes, and none of theirs seemed funny. Wherever their laughter came from, Ender couldn't find such a place in himself. He was afraid, and fear made him serious.

Orson Scott Card

#49. Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo?

Rob Delaney

#50. I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me ... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

Chris Rock

#51. If you play Mark Twain and he's not funny, you are definitely not playing Mark Twain. That was the biggest challenge, in some ways. Writing and performing jokes that can come out of that brilliant delivery system he constructed: the friendly, avuncular truth-teller.

Val Kilmer

#52. Writing for young children I find I often use particular jokes with words and exaggerated, funny events, but some of these haunt the more complex stories for older children too.

Margaret Mahy

#53. First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you try and just do comedy about who is dating who and lifestyle jokes, it gets tiring after a while. It's hard to be funny in that realm.

Adam McKay

#54. I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from the character, the behavior, and not from the jokes. I don't think jokes are funny. Humor comes out of character and out of situations the character is in.

Bernard Sahlins

#55. Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

J. B. Smoove

#56. I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.

Paula Deen

#57. Who decides which defects are funny and which ones are tragic? Nobody laughs at blind people or makes iron lung jokes.

David Mitchell

#58. Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener.

Dick Masterson

#59. You can be funny and say what you mean; these ideas are not mutually exclusive. Some of the best jokes came from people who meant it. See: Pryor, Bruce, Carlin, etc.

Hari Kondabolu

#60. A good team needs three things: the right people, the right spirit, and a couple inside jokes.

VanillaCreamPie8888

#61. What I do know is I've got a brain filled with jokes I can't forget - like a tumor the size of a grapefruit inside of my skull. And I know that eventually even dog shit turns white and stops stinking, but I have this permanent head filled with crap I've been trained my whole life to think is funny.

Chuck Palahniuk

#62. I have a lot of people in my life who are truly ridiculous characters, and they're very, very funny people, but they don't really try to be. They're not cracking jokes.

Emile Hirsch

#63. I try to play the stiff, as much as I can, and play it dry, which is sometimes hard for me. My problem with comedy is to want to clown it up, but she's the funny one. Those are her jokes, not mine. For me, it's a lot of not doing anything. I just don't want to muck it up.

John Cho

#64. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

Mitch Hedberg

#65. Everything we do means something, Ender realized. Them laughing. Me not laughing. He toyed with the idea of trying to be like the other boys. But he couldn't think of any jokes, and none of theirs seemed funny. Wherever their laughter came from, Ender couldn't find such a place in himself.

Orson Scott Card

#66. But some jokes are hilarious until they become true and they're not so funny anymore.

Jonathan Dunne

#67. I seem to get into situations that make people laugh, but I don't consider myself that funny of a person. I'm not witty. I'm kind of slow in conversations. I'm not that articulate with jokes. The first time I made stuff and screened it for an audience, I was surprised what people were laughing at.

Nathan Fielder

#68. Anybody can make jokes. But unless they come from conviction, and there's truth in them, you haven't nailed it. They aren't as funny as they could be, and they don't make a point.

Dan Jenkins

#69. Tino laughed with him and then asked, "What the hell is up with you? You acted like I murdered your mother today."
"Not funny." Chuito sobered. "Mafia doesn't get to make jokes about murdering my mother.

Kele Moon

#70. I might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things I don't really mean - because at the end of the day that's what we're all trying to do: fit in, one way or another, desperately trying to pretend we're all the same.

Tabitha Suzuma

#71. He's a very funny and very nice man. When you read the script, you want to stick with it. But when you're with Eddie Murphy you've got to improvise. He's always making jokes and making me crack up when the camera's on.

Raven-Symone

#72. Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

Alan King

#73. I make some jokes about it, but they're not funny and just add to the depression.

Robert M. Pirsig

#74. I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?"

Chris Rock

#75. There were some particular themes that I knew I wanted to hit, and when I got deeper into the project I found that it was becoming serious in and on its own. By the end, it's not very funny at all. I think, now, that part of the power of the book is that the jokes are kind of sparkly distractions.

Moshe Kasher

#76. I don't want to go and start trying to make jokes in places like India, Tanzania or Iraq. Afghanistan is not a funny place.

Bill Bryson

#77. I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.

M.J. McGuire

#78. I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

Jimmy Carr

#79. You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks. I gotta go do my thing, and my jokes have got to be funny. Whatever I do has got to be great.

Jamie Foxx

#80. The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

George Carlin

#81. While 'The Middle' is still funny for adults to watch, there aren't sex jokes. And I'm fine with that. I like the idea that my nieces and nephews can watch it without their parents.

Neil Flynn

#82. I was always useless at flirting, and simply did not know what needed to be done in order to snare my target... I always ended up resorting to jokes, and most men don't like funny women. They like to do the jokes.

Joan Sims

#83. I think David Letterman is a genius. Night after night he is funny and smart. He seems to really enjoy his jokes. They seem connected to who he really is. I like watching him, and there is no one better at turning an awkward moment into something very funny.

Casey Affleck

#84. I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn't matter. Everything I thought would work didn't work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.

John Mulaney

#85. I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

Michael Summers

#86. Twitter is the place where I try to be more funny. And then I use Instagram just as my diary. I pull some jokes on there, but I think people have a better sense of humor on Twitter.

Gigi Hadid

#87. Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.

Carol Burnett

#88. It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

Iliza Shlesinger

#89. A joke is a witticism or play on words that's meant to be funny. I say 'meant to be' because most jokes aren't funny. They range between mildly amusing and grimace-inducingly annoying.

Michael Monroe

#90. It's kind of low brow, but the show 'Bob's Burgers' is hilarious, and being from the Midwest, I can kind of relate to a lot of the jokes. 'Orange is The New Black' is a Netflix Exclusive, I think - that's really funny.

Gracie Gold

#91. There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny.

Tom Stoppard

#92. One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably.

John Hodgman

#93. So but anyway, being funny is a way of not doing. Sit around and make jokes and be Mr. Funnypants and just make fun of everyone else's attempts to do something... So that's it. I'm going to start doing.

John Green

#94. I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared.

Mitt Romney

#95. Seinfeld was typically American in that show. He was a pretty funny guy, but he had no sense of style. Tacky like a Texan tux. Tasteless dressing and tasteful jokes. That's Seinfeld for me. I would have preferred it the other way around.

Hallgrimur Helgason

#96. I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap'n Crunch and I'd have to take a nap.

M.J. McGuire

#97. Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break ... juggle something.

Dom Irrera

#98. In entertainment, I adore Ricky Gervais in 'Derek.' His performance is unbelievably charming, funny and poignant. In life, I adore my girlfriend. She is the most adorable person I have ever met - from her silly jokes to her cute teeth to her little drawings.

Josh Zuckerman

#99. Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags.

Fakeer Ishavardas

#100. Sometimes, comics will make the observation that it's not jokes that are funny, it's characters that are funny. And isn't that true! That's why I always kill jokes. I'm terrible at them, because I get the joke right, but I can't get the character right, and it just goes down like a lead balloon.

David Mitchell