John Mulaney Quotes

#1. You can't always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.

John Mulaney

#2. It was funny to be an emcee, because you're so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.

John Mulaney

#3. I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

John Mulaney

#4. All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

John Mulaney

#5. I've done festivals in the past where I'd be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall - but that'll be a long way off. So it's very exciting.

John Mulaney

#6. Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

John Mulaney

#7. Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.

John Mulaney

#8. People having expectations maybe means they've enjoyed what I've done.

John Mulaney

#9. It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin,

John Mulaney

#10. The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

John Mulaney

#11. I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.

John Mulaney

#12. Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn't be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

John Mulaney

#13. I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn't matter. Everything I thought would work didn't work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.

John Mulaney

#14. It's really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.

John Mulaney

#15. There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that's just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you're pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can.

John Mulaney

#16. Sometimes I'll be talking to someone, and I'll be like 'Yeah, I've been really lonely lately' and they'll be like 'Well we should hang out!' and I'm like 'No, that's not what I meant. That's not what I meant at all.

John Mulaney

#17. Things don't exist until they exist.

John Mulaney

#18. I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever's on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn't watch important shows. He'll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever's on, we watch.

John Mulaney

#19. I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I'd done a lot of things I wasn't proud of.

John Mulaney

#20. Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.

John Mulaney

#21. It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy.

John Mulaney

#22. I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

John Mulaney

#23. As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don't know, I just got quieter ... With my friends, I was still an extrovert.

John Mulaney

#24. I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

John Mulaney

#25. The difficulty of getting a movie made through a major studio is so extreme that when a movie comes out, everyone should give it four stars because it was accomplished.

John Mulaney

#26. If you're comparing the badness of two words and you won't even say one of them [the n-word], that's the worse word.

John Mulaney

#27. I'm a very straightforward person. But that's fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you're talking about everyone else.

John Mulaney

#28. I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

John Mulaney

#29. I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.

John Mulaney

#30. Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

John Mulaney

#31. I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.

John Mulaney

#32. Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.

John Mulaney

#33. On Friday night, it was fun [to know] that if you bombed, or whatever was going on, that you'd be on TV at 11. It was a cool feeling, and you'd get a couple hundred dollars.

John Mulaney

#34. I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well.

John Mulaney

#35. In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you're doing it.

John Mulaney

#36. You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

John Mulaney

#37. I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it's a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.

John Mulaney

#38. I kind of thought, wouldn't it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?

John Mulaney

#39. I always wanted it to be multi-cam from the beginning. In the first seeds of the idea, I wanted a live audience, multi-cam show. That was very important for me.

John Mulaney

#40. Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

John Mulaney