
Top 100 It Humor Quotes
#2. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
#3. Everything about you fascinates me, Sophie. The smell of your skin. The sound of your voice. Your long legs. Your sense of humor. Your personality. You don't seem to need me, and if you don't need me, it is much more gratifying that you want me.
Elisa Marie Hopkins
#4. I looked over at Edwart. It occurred to me that I had never seen him in direct sunlight. Interestingly enough, I had also never seen him sparkle. Could the two be related?
The Harvard Lampoon
#5. Hell hath no fury like a queen scorned. ...
... That would be the last time he made a crack about being a flamer to someone with a flamethrower for hands. Though he'd really lost it when Raven sang the lyric to Disco Inferno.
J.T. Bock
#6. Pathetic, huh?" He learned that word
from me.
"Yeah. It's like the opposite of a fish,
right?
Hannah Moskowitz
#7. It's as if the universe has a sense of humor, since at a deep level it's impossible not to lead a spiritual life ...
the universe is living through you at this moment. with or without belief in god, the chain of events leading from silent awareness to physical reality remains intact.
Deepak Chopra
#8. Acheron: You're really not right, are you?
Nick: Yeah. I know. It was all the paint chips I ate as a kid. They were good, but chromosomally damaging
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#9. It was mild monsters like these that made Jack the Ripper go after young women, she decided: who could tolerate yielding the world to someone who behaved as if she had given birth to the very world herself?
Gregory Maguire
#10. No offense, Jaron, but I don't want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be."
"Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?"
"No."
"Then you didn't even get a taste.
Jennifer A. Nielsen
#11. Don't tell me it's going to fucking be okay! I am not okay with being that fucker's pinata!
Nenia Campbell
#12. And then - thwack! - Anne had brought her slate down on Gilbert's head and cracked it - slate not head - clear across.
L.M. Montgomery
#13. Well, I've almost got the problem licked. I'm eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I'll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee)
J. Golden Kimball
#14. He wondered if it was safe to grin. Very slowly and carefully, he grinned. It was safe.
Douglas Adams
#15. My God, the corruptions of literature. It put all these notions into our heads.
Charles Baxter
#16. There are times when I love to play all kinds of complicated games in painting. But this is one case when I need to be fairly straightforward. I'll just try to paint the man, his intelligence, his amiability and his stature, maybe paint him fairly close to humor and try to get it just right.
Nelson Shanks
#17. Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
Alan McKay
#18. I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.
Brian Regan
#19. If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.
Yogi Berra
#20. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.
Kendall Ryan
#21. Life is supposed to have ups and downs. But for me, it's been more like ups and downs ... and downs ... and downs.
James Patterson
#22. When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine
Margaret Thatcher
#23. Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me.
"I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks.
Richelle Mead
#24. Where. Is. He?" Alphonse repeated, although it sounded more like "Don't make me eat your face.
Karen Chance
#25. But you hardley even know him"she said."He could be a serial killer"
"I did have that thought.I checked the apartment out,but if his got an ice cooler full of arms in it,I havent seen it yet.Anyway he seems pretty since.
Cassandra Clare
#26. I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
Steve Martin
#28. It rained toads the day the White Council came to town.
Jim Butcher
#30. Harry, we saw Uranus up close!" said Ron, still giggling feebly. "Get it, Harry? We saw Uranus - ha ha ha -
J.K. Rowling
#31. I hear myself saying these words: What this movement is about is options. I say it to friends who are frustrated, or housebound, or guilty, or child-laden, and what I'm really thinking is, If you really got it together, the option you would choose is mine.
Nora Ephron
#32. Or perhaps Zeus was just messing with me again - giving me a taste of my old power before yanking it away once more. Remember this, kid? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
Rick Riordan
#33. Some guys say it with flowers," Tucker said. "I bring you arson reports.
Josh Lanyon
#35. I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
Stephen Colbert
#36. He made the country down in Illinois, and He made the Missouri", the little girl continued. "I guess somebody else made the country in these parts. It's not nearly so well done. They forgot the water and the trees.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#37. A whole lot of good my IQ came when it came to judging his character.
DiAnn Mills
#38. So what's the point of it all?"
"Seriously?" I asked. "Seriously? You're asking me for the meaning of life? Isn't that a little stereotypical?"
"Well it's a reasonable question," you persisted.
Andy Weir
#39. People who were born in '66 are nearly fifty? I know the show's fifty, but it seems like yesterday. Human years are different. I'd have guessed that Tim was twenty-five for thirty.
Nick Hornby
#40. My love, wherever you are - whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you.
Morrissey
#41. My leg hurts," the soldier whined.
"Of course it does," Halt told him. "I put an arrow through it. Did you expect it not to hurt?
John Flanagan
#42. This advice from a college freshman carrying a cane?"
"It's a walking stick, I'll have you know."
"Same difference."
"Hardly. It's fashion.
Danika Stone
#44. My Grandmother says that love is like a bout of diarrhea, it needs neither an invitation nor privacy.
Dora Okeyo
#45. I wish we could make out in your bed."
Noah sighed. "As do I, but I'm afraid we have ritual burning to conduct."
"It's always something."
"Isn't it though?
Michelle Hodkin
#46. Hey, er ... " said Zaphod, "what's your name?"
The man looked at them doubtfully.
"I don't know. Why, do you think I should have one? It seems very odd to
give a bundle of vague sensory perceptions a name.
Douglas Adams
#47. Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.
Jerry Lewis
#48. Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."
My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look.
Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right.
"It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven."
"Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.
Jeaniene Frost
#49. I took the one letter he had for us. It was from the Switchblade Gas & Electric Company. I didn't know I had admirers there too, but I wasn't that surprised. I threw it in the trash with the IRS's love letters and closed the door without reply.
The Harvard Lampoon
#50. It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.
Lisa Kleypas
#52. Leaning forward in the chair, Harley squeezed out a controlled fart, so no one could hear it. This damn reception area was like a echo chamber. If he weren't careful, it could reverberate around the hall like a shotgun blast.
Alan Kinross
#53. It may not seem like much, but grand theft auto is still a pretty serious offense.
Elle Todd
#54. Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!"
"Can't we do anything about it?"
"No!"
"Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.
Terry Pratchett
#55. They say a woman's loyalty only lasts as long as it takes her to hang up and dial again.
Kim Gatlin
#56. Is it painful?" the groundskeeper asked. "I am asking for science.
John Scalzi
#57. Something girls never understood about poker night. The real point of the card play was to razz. Razzing calls forth unbridled farm-boy humour, earthy by some standards. The best quip involves belittling someone else's penis, or turning it back on the sayer, or both.
Allan Dare Pearce
#58. At the dealership, I pulled out the sieve and toyed with it threateningly. When the salesman was ready for me, I held it up, told him I was not a tourist and demanded a large discount.
Tahir Shah
#59. Over time, I have realized that at 20, you can wear too much makeup and people assume you're a slut. Do it at 40 and they think you're a sea witch.
Melodie Ramone
#60. There are essentially three types of people: those who love life more than they fear it, those who fear life more than they love it, and those who have no clue what I'm talking about.
Neel Burton
#61. Popularity's a weird thing. You can't really define it, and it's not cool to talk about, but you know it when you see it. Like a lazy eye, or porn.
Lauren Oliver
#62. I have a 10 year old boy and a 6 year old boy and the stuff that they watch, it's always ... I mean, it could be because we're a funny family, but they love the humor and combining humor with space action, I mean, you know, there's a winner right there.
Rhys Darby
#63. As an actor I'm always interested in dialogue, the way the characters speak to each other. I also enjoy a bit of humor, especially when it's unexpected.
Michael Boatman
#64. I can tell you I've crunched the numbers time and time again; it is always more fun to have eight people with one beer than one man with eight beers.
Nick Offerman
#65. In a moment of panic, he reached back and grasped the large punch bowl, still three quarters full of bright red juice and an assortment of fruit slices. He lifted it above his head and threatened the growing crowd.
"Stand back," he said. "I will splash you all.
Christopher Meades
#66. It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
George Carlin
#67. It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be
approached without some humor and some bewilderment.
Freeman Dyson
#68. If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
Mark Twain
#69. If you're asking all this because of Wendell, forget it. Wendell has a few marbles missing when it comes to women. I like that expression very much, even though I disagree. If anything, Wendell has more marbles than he needs when it comes to women.
Francisco X Stork
#70. But one place ain't no different from no place else. People try and make it like everything's new only to find the devil done followed you wherever you moved and all you can do is hold him off whiles you catch your breath
Amina Gautier
#71. I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
George Carlin
#72. I think I've discovered the secret of life
you just hang around until you get used to it.
Charles M. Schulz
#73. Commander: What's that?
Foaly: It's a finger, what does look like?
Eoin Colfer
#74. Jimmy Finn was not burned in the calaboose, but died a natural death in a tan vat, of a combination of delirium tremens and spontaneous combustion. When I say natural death, I mean it was a natural death for Jimmy Finn.
Mark Twain
#75. Thomas is racing for it, but McCovey is there and can't get his glove to it. That play shows the inexperience, not on Thomas' part, but on the part of Willie McC ... well, not on McCovey's part either.
Jerry Coleman
#76. How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it.
Laurie Notaro
#77. Integrity is a bugger, it really is. Lying can get you into difficulties, but to really wind up in the crappers try telling nothing but the truth.
David Mitchell
#78. Horror. I can't manage it. I become
well
horrified. Self-help books have a similar effect.
When asked, "Any literary genre you simply can't be bothered with?" - (By the Book: Writers on Literature and the Literary Life from the NYT Book Review, by Pamela Paul)
Emma Thompson
#79. Your bad past is for you to learn don't pass it to others.
FB
#80. I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Johnny Depp
#81. I don't believe for one moment that I killed him [ ... ] But if I didn't, somebody else did. I must appoint myself Investigator. I must catch this malefactor, this pig. And if at any time it looks as if I am going to catch myself, I can always accept my resignation.
Pamela Branch
#82. There is nothing to me but you. I know it's pathetic but, oh darling, it's true.
F.K. Preston
#84. I must do whatever I can to find the best partners possible."
"Did you kick their butts?"
He frowned. "The buttocks are among the least sensitive places to hit someone."
I laughed. "It's a figure of speech."
"To kick butts. Interesting.
Allison Van Diepen
#85. It would change everything, gentlemen. It would shift the entire balance of power in Europe-maybe the world. Alexander conquered half of it. Think what he would have done with arrows dipped in monster snot!
Rick Yancey
#86. Are you a degenerate, Fisher?"
"I'm working on it.
Claire Gibson
#87. Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor.
Brittany Daniel
#88. We have to work extra hard, because we in America are very ethnocentric
we think our culture is superior. Why's that? It's because we've got moon rocks, and nobody else has moon rocks.
Dick Couch
#89. And besides, I couldn't stay at the party. It was too dangerous. I nearly died."
"From what?"
"Boredom.
Jennifer Donnelly
#90. Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity
Josh Stern
#92. Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
Paul Terry
#93. You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
Ellen DeGeneres
#94. It's hard to force creativity and humor.
Al Yankovic
#95. It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor.
Joan Jett
#96. You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby
#97. I looked at the place with my heart beating as I had known it to do in the dentist's parlor.
Henry James
#98. I think humor is incredibly positive, I think it is life advancing. There's medical research to show that it improves your antibodies. It's all about sense and perspective.
John Cleese
#99. It makes no difference what you wear, really. I'll put you in a dark grey. I believe I have some left over from a funeral. says the dressmaker.
Maryrose Wood
#100. Everyone has crap in their background, everyone has things they wish they could undo. But most people don't go around doing their best to screw up their present lives because of it.
Nicholas Sparks
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