Top 100 Nick Offerman Quotes
#1. If I had more time, I'd watch more woodworking or home-improvement shows, but, not enough hours in the day.
Nick Offerman
#2. Auditioning for television shows - to find a guy who has a lot of experience as a laborer is a bit of an anomaly. We do exist.I know several other actors who have made their living, instead of a waitress job, framing houses or blacktopping roads.
Nick Offerman
#3. Whatever it is you like to do, that's the sexiest part of you.
Nick Offerman
#4. Now, there are things I like just fine about church, and I don't just mean making money. The notion of getting together as a community to remind ourselves why we shouldn't behave like animals is a fucking great idea.
Nick Offerman
#5. If you always have something in your life that you're trying to improve upon, then every day you have a reason to get out of bed, and you have a reason to achieve something and feel good.
Nick Offerman
#6. If you don't look at yourself and evaluate it, you instead see how the world's reacting to it.
Nick Offerman
#7. The technique is: Let the others go first. At the airport, at the grocery store, at the Pleasure Chest (hey-o!). The calmer I become, the more I enjoy my day. The more I enjoy my day, the more people enjoy me and the more they want to see me in my enjoyment.
Nick Offerman
#8. I've never met anyone nicer than my mom, and I've met Donny and Marie.
Nick Offerman
#9. When we think of an actor, we think of a tanned, frosted-tipped, model-looking guy. We don't think of a plumber.
Nick Offerman
#10. When I arrive in Los Angeles in the entertainment community, and I use implements like a shovel and a hammer, our society has distanced itself so far from working with its hands that those incredibly pedestrian skills are perceived as somehow being extraordinary.
Nick Offerman
#11. I was drinking a lot of bourbon. I was miserable. I was starting to get work, but it wasn't remotely satisfying. It was garbage compared to the theater I was doing.
Nick Offerman
#13. I am always so happy to be at 'SNL.' I still feel like a kid when I'm there, like I can't believe I'm watching them make the show.
Nick Offerman
#14. Being a man of the theater and a hedonist, I find the idea of building coffins very romantic.
Nick Offerman
#15. I have a Kenwood charcoal grill. In our house, if anybody is cooking, it's me. I love making burgers. I love making pork tenderloin. Lamb chops I do on the grill a lot. But you just can't beat brats.
Nick Offerman
#16. Damn it all, you have been given a life on this beautiful planet! Get off your ass and do something!
Nick Offerman
#17. For years I drove a big Ford F250 pickup. That was my ride because two-thirds of my work was wood work, and I'm always driving up to Northern California, where I harvest salvaged trees.
Nick Offerman
#18. You know, even working actors can end up having a lot of spare time. And you can either go sit at the Starbucks and wait for your agent to call you, or you can go learn how to build a Shaker blanket chest with hand-cut dovetails.
Nick Offerman
#19. Whatever the adversity, if a man is on hand to provide ease to a lady's cause, I think he's a shitheel if he stands idly by when she could use an umbrella, a handkerchief, or a steady arm.
Nick Offerman
#20. There are men who love out-of-doors who yet never open a book; and other men who love books but to whom . . . nature is a sealed volume. . . . Nevertheless among those men whom I have known the love of books and the love of the outdoors, in their highest expressions, have usually gone hand in hand.
Nick Offerman
#21. My life is always more delicious when I have whiskers on my face, but that might just be because those whiskers tend to accumulate bacon crumbs and scotch, rendering them literally delicious all day long.
Nick Offerman
#23. I'm obsessed with the Victorian era and the British Royal Navy ... I'd love to play a troubled sailor or captain or a boatman on a three masted ship.
Nick Offerman
#24. Of course smartphones are brilliant inventions, but the nefarious thing about Twitter and other social media is that it starts to fill all the gaps in your day. I quickly become an addict.
Nick Offerman
#25. I like to play women who are not strong at all, because, there's certainly plenty of myself that is no kind of a warrior.
Nick Offerman
#26. And one of our vocabulary words was nonconformist. I just dug that word. I heard the explanation, the definition, and I felt like I had just learned about a new hero in a kick-ass Marvel comic book.
Nick Offerman
#27. I think the Bible is largely an amazing and beautiful book of fictional stories from which we can glean the most wholesome lessons about how to treat one another decently.
Nick Offerman
#28. It's hard to swallow when people say, "Oh my God, you're a master of something." I say, "No, I'm actually a student of that. I could turn you on to websites for 25 masters, and you'll quickly see that I am their disciple."
Nick Offerman
#29. When things get bad enough, all you can do is laugh.
Nick Offerman
#30. Not only do I recommend [Wendell] Berry to anyone who will talk to me for more than seven seconds, but I buy his books in quantity and send them to people. I bought a few dozen of his newest, "Our Only World."
Nick Offerman
#31. One of the most poignant pieces of recent science fiction for me was the portrayal of the adults in the Pixar film WALL-E. I feel like we're on the cusp of becoming fat babies in floating chairs being fed everything in shake form, and I feel like I am as prone to laziness as anybody.
Nick Offerman
#32. Pursue decency in all dealings with your fellow man and woman. Simply put? Don't be an asshole.
Nick Offerman
#33. If you're an original thinker, you are going get told 'no' a lot, and you have to be able to hear 'no' many times from the bankers and trust that at some point, someone is going to recognize that you are an artist and not a can of soda.
Nick Offerman
#34. If you want to be happy in life, consider yourself a student. Every day of your life, think: how can I improve?
Nick Offerman
#35. My family has schoolteachers and librarians, and I think people who teach are probably some of our greatest American heroes. Certainly, underpaid and unsung.
Nick Offerman
#36. Figure out what you love to do, then figure out how to get paid to do it.
Nick Offerman
#37. You know, it's hard to beat bacon at anytime of day. But I also am a big fan of corned beef hash.
Nick Offerman
#38. I won't read a new graphic comic novel until the writer has completed the entire series. I got burned a few times when I got turned on to a book, plowed through it only to find out the author was in the middle of writing the next.
Nick Offerman
#39. I never went too long without a job. The problem was a lot of the early jobs are almost more demoralizing than unemployment.
Nick Offerman
#40. Whenever I have a stubborn position on something, I take a deep breath and swallow myself.
Nick Offerman
#41. Banding together with others to achieve a common pursuit cannot help but engender a strong feeling of community, whether you're baling hay or mounting A Chorus Line in a tiny theater space.
Nick Offerman
#42. We didn't have to do anything to have a good time. It's an incredible gift to be able to make your own fun.
Nick Offerman
#43. My career is inexplicable to me. So far I've just been not getting fired despite being myself.
Nick Offerman
#44. I've been working steadily as an actor since around 1998. I wasn't well known in the public, but I was a dependable working journeyman.
Nick Offerman
#45. Actually, I'm not super-kickass at a lot of things.
Nick Offerman
#46. Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something
Nick Offerman
#47. Marijuana is quite possibly the finest of intoxicants. It has been scientifically proven, for decades, to be much less harmful to the body than alcohol when used on a regular basis (Google "Science").
Nick Offerman
#48. I have a ridiculously beautiful wife who's super sexy, and as long as she's happy with me, I don't need to look in the mirror and think, "How do I stack up next to Bradley Cooper? Would Cooper rock this shirt?" Doesn't matter. He does not have your wife. You do.
Nick Offerman
#49. I've had to learn and discipline myself that I'm much happier and much less depressed if I give myself a project. It's just that simple.
Nick Offerman
#50. Theater, to me, is always a bigger turn on than film. It's alive.
Nick Offerman
#51. We have such an embarrassment of riches when it comes to choice. Do you want to hike in the Alps? There are 300 pairs of shoes you can order within the next 10 minutes. You have your choice of everything.
Nick Offerman
#52. I really thought that I'd be doing Shakespeare, honest to God. I did not foresee the whole action television thing. That was God's joke.
Nick Offerman
#53. Let's just say I can never be cast again after Ron Swanson. Then I have a life of theater and woodworking and my wife to look forward to, and that doesn't make me anything but very happy.
Nick Offerman
#54. Really, all religious teachings can be boiled down to: Just be cool. Don't be an asshole.
Nick Offerman
#55. I come from the theater, where I got into acting because I love transforming. I love nothing more than to be unrecognizable.
Nick Offerman
#56. When I got to Los Angeles, I started building cabins in peoples' yards, building post-and-beam structures and cutting the joinery for those.
Nick Offerman
#57. Children are so egocentric - they want to watch their lives, and not yours.
Nick Offerman
#58. I don't get nominated, and I have to say, I've probably gotten the greatest mass of press in my life through not getting nominated. It's definitely been a winning situation as far as I'm concerned.
Nick Offerman
#59. Just stand up for your principals and be loyal to your friends and family.
Nick Offerman
#60. When I was in high school, I would perform every year in those plays and there was something I really loved about it. But I was completely unaware that you could sort of get into an acting career.
Nick Offerman
#61. I made an executive decision in college when I learned how behind I was in the world of books, films, and music because of my rural upbringing. I really reduced the amount of time that sports took up in my life.I still have some Faulkner to get through.
Nick Offerman
#62. I think the whole thing is kind of sad, honestly, in the same way that our civilization - particularly the consumers of pop culture - has grown so used to an emasculated, bare-chested leading man that something like simply growing a mustache can impress people.
Nick Offerman
#63. Jack London is a very generous description of my small hiking, bicycling, and canoeing habit. I myself feel like a weak urbanite a lot of the time, because lots of my friends are incredible outdoorsmen and women.
Nick Offerman
#64. I'm enjoying the opportunity that 'Parks And Recreation' affords me to exploit my own soapbox agenda, which is to try to encourage people to make things with their hands.
Nick Offerman
#65. I think that laziness in many ways is the human condition, and that's what has led us to this place where, as we've developed technology.
Nick Offerman
#66. I think all these great comforts that come from the human condition of trying to make things easier on ourselves also have these pitfalls, where things become so easy that we forget how enjoyable building a fence can be.
Nick Offerman
#67. but, like an alcoholic or a fan of the Dave Matthews Band, he ultimately couldn't control his self-destructive addiction.
Nick Offerman
#68. The key, I would say to any fledgling humorist starting out, is to make sure that sloppiness is part of your recipe. That way they come to expect fumbling and clumsiness and they say, "Oh, it must be a charming part of his personality."
Nick Offerman
#69. No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor.
Nick Offerman
#70. Jobs that require a suit upset me. They displease me much, as our world is rife with such superficial conformity.
Nick Offerman
#71. I awaken. I consume oxygen, then bacon, eggs and black coffee, then my wife, then bacon.
Nick Offerman
#72. We realized that the world of popular culture had been creating the perfect candidate for many years: the female champion of the universe.
Nick Offerman
#73. When I was in fourth grade, we were learning vocabulary words, and the word nonconformist came up. The teacher said, "It's somebody who whatever everybody is doing, they do the opposite." I remember raising my hand and saying, "Mrs. Christiansen, I would like to be a nonconformist."
Nick Offerman
#74. The key lies in finding the delicious flavorings in one's life, no matter how fancy your blue jeans may or may not be.
Nick Offerman
#75. I don't know what it is on an elemental level, but a beard in general evokes hedonism. It's a more lush personal grooming style. It's more comfortable and cozy; it's less sharp and angular and businesslike. I feel like a beard is more Hobbit-like, even though Hobbits themselves are clean-shaven.
Nick Offerman
#76. I really bridled when Parks And Rec became popular and woodworking publications wanted me to do stuff with them.
Nick Offerman
#77. I've split my life between a few different disciplines.
Nick Offerman
#78. I simply knew that I was peculiar and that I was a puzzle to those around me. I was also learning that this weirdness was a part of me that was not to be extinguished.
Nick Offerman
#79. Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor's appointment.
Nick Offerman
#80. I have a corn creamer that I love. It extracts pulp and juice from kernels, and I simmer that down into a creamed corn that has an almost mashed potato-like consistency. I add butter and hit it with chopped fresh chives at the end for an accent of color.
Nick Offerman
#81. I'm a very intermediate sax player, but now that Rob Lowe is on my show, I had to cop to him. Like, 'Dude your ridiculous fake sax playing [in St. Elmo's Fire] inspired me to pick up a horn.'
Nick Offerman
#82. I think that purity creates not only a higher level of artistic vision but a purer work ethic.
Nick Offerman
#84. If I put down my tweeter machine for a minute, I actually can communicate with people. As an aside, astonishingly, I just started doing Twitter.
Nick Offerman
#85. I feel it's important to point out that I've earned my humility by being a jackass - like, I trip and fall on my face and say, "Oh, right. Don't think you're a big shot, because you've got a bloody nose now." So it's hard to say.
Nick Offerman
#86. When I got my job on 'Parks,' it was so dreamy, kind of unfathomable. I didn't think a job that excellent could exist for me.
Nick Offerman
#87. I don't put a great deal of stock in art trophies.
Nick Offerman
#88. We're cognizant, curious beings, capable of philosophical thought, nuclear physics, repeating Nerf weapons, global consciousness, Glade air fresheners, and sentient automobiles. But we're assholes first.
Nick Offerman
#89. My wife, the actress Megan Mullally, was an English major at Northwestern University and loves fiction. Like so many things in my life, she curates things for me. For example, I have the daunting prospect of Donna Tartt's "The Goldfinch" waiting for me when I get through my current reading pile.
Nick Offerman
#90. When I hear young people today complain about being bored - and the things that keep them from being bored are generally exclusively videogames and/or computer pastimes - I just try to encourage them to go outside.
Nick Offerman
#91. I always call performing live "giving the people the medicine," because when you're engaged in it, you can feel the sort of soul magic being exchanged between the performer and the audience.
Nick Offerman
#92. I keep having these bros come up to me and say, "I used to watch you when I was a fetus," and I just want to kill them.
Nick Offerman
#93. I'm always pleased that I managed to stay out of jail throughout my tenure in Chicago.
Nick Offerman
#94. The arithmetic is quite simple. Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something! Take the cleverness you apply to Words with Friends and utilize it to make some kick-ass corn bread. Corn Bread with Friends - try that game.
Nick Offerman
#95. People are afraid that they're going to upset somebody on top, and so there's a real sense of, I've got to be quiet, I don't want to be fired.
Nick Offerman
#96. Follow your gut, make a choice, and throw yourself into it. If you make a mistake, then you have merely afforded yourself a valuable lesson.
Nick Offerman
#97. I come from a family of fishermen. Fishing is very important to us. We don't hunt. We're not gun folk.
Nick Offerman
#98. How lucky my life is that I have two arms, and two legs, and ten fingers with which to make things out of wood.
Nick Offerman
#99. I'm quite excited to not play a Xena type character - it's probably closer to me than any character I've ever played.
Nick Offerman
#100. I'm very hairy, and men in film and TV are no longer allowed to be hairy.
Nick Offerman
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