Top 100 John Scalzi Quotes
#1. Listen to me or don't. But if you don't, you'll be dead. And then where will you be? Dead, that's where.
John Scalzi
#2. People are worried about their bodies. They're worried about disease. They're worried about how they are able to get out and participate in the world.
John Scalzi
#3. I want to be there when you question him." "No you don't." "I really do." "Let me put it another way, Lord Marce. Fuck you, go away.
John Scalzi
#4. What is competent writing? Competent writing is writing that efficiently describes ideas and concepts to an audience, using a grammar that the audience can understand.
John Scalzi
#5. You'll notice that the Intrepid's inertial dampeners don't work as well in crisis situations, Dahl remembered Jenkins telling them. The ship could do hairpin turns and loop-de-loops any other time and you'd never notice. But whenever there's a dramatic event, there goes your footing.
John Scalzi
#6. Humor is rare in science fiction ... there's so little of it that it automatically reminds you of other heroes with that acerbic humor when you find it.
John Scalzi
#7. I didn't choose the Nerd Life. The Nerd Life chose me. Awkwardly and without making eye contact.
John Scalzi
#8. But everyone knows you need fireworks to make independence official.
John Scalzi
#9. The Fflict recognized five genders: male, female, zhial, yal, and neuter. Aul was zhial, and ze liked zis pronouns accurately stated. I would too, in zis position.
John Scalzi
#10. Imagine waking up and finding your first and last view of the world was a shotgun barrel. That'd be a hell of a life.
John Scalzi
#11. Who are you and what medications aren't you taking? Finn said.
John Scalzi
#12. Libertarians secretly worried that ultimately someone will figure out the whole of their political philosophy boils down to 'get off my property.' News flash: This is not really a big secret to the rest of us.
John Scalzi
#13. What's messed up here isn't that this guy thinks we're on a television show. What's messed up here is that as far as I can tell, at this point, it's the most rational explanation for what's going on.
John Scalzi
#14. If knew you were going to drug me, kidnap me, and take me back to the dark ages with out my pants, I never would have slept with you.
John Scalzi
#15. In all of the history of professional sports, the Cubs are the ultimate symbol of complete failure.
John Scalzi
#16. I both love and am terrified by Greg Van Eekhout's vision of Los Angeles. I already want to go back.
John Scalzi
#17. With sentences, shorter is better than longer:
John Scalzi
#18. (Obin: "it," not "he" or "she." Because they're hermaphrodites. That means male and female sex organs. Go ahead and have your giggle. I'll wait. Okay, done? Good.)
John Scalzi
#19. And of course, just like in the movies, as soon as you mention that life is good, that means something needs to come by and sqaut one out on your life.
John Scalzi
#20. There's a saying: "May you live in interesting times." To begin, it's a curse. "Interesting" in this case uniformly means "Oh god, death is raining down upon us and we shall all perish wailing and possibly on fire.
John Scalzi
#22. I'm sorry," the groundskeeper said. "Usually the kharhn we feed to the kingsflower are already dead. I never get to see anything live fed to it. This is exciting for me.
John Scalzi
#23. I thought this was a matter of some urgency, Harry." "It is," I said. "But I fell from the sky today. I could use a couple of waffles.
John Scalzi
#24. We buy time where we may." "You bought yourself time," Oi agreed. "I don't think it's of very good quality.
John Scalzi
#25. It takes a certain kind of dog to willingly demote himself from alpha dog, and that dog was Carl. Holloway would have to speak to him about it, for what little good it would do, Carl being a dog and all.
John Scalzi
#26. The failure mode of clever is "asshole.
John Scalzi
#27. Praise is always a good thing, especially in a crisis.
John Scalzi
#28. There aren't a lot of humans who speak more than one dialect of Forshan. I know all four of the major ones.'
'Impressive,' Duvall Said.
'I'm good with my tongue,' Dahl said.
'Now who's being forward?' Duvall asked.
John Scalzi
#29. Dirk Moeller didn't know if he could fart his way into a major diplomatic incident. But he was ready to find out.
John Scalzi
#30. Is it good? It ain't Shakespeare, but then, Shakespeare wrote Titus Andronicus, so you tell me.
John Scalzi
#31. Did she tell you I set puppies on fire, too?" Vann asked. "She did not," I said. "It may have been implied.
John Scalzi
#32. Here's a quick rule of thumb: Don't annoy science fiction writers. These are people who destroy entire planets before lunch. Think of what they'll do to you.
John Scalzi
#33. I served with that son of a bitch, Corporal. Ruiz wouldn't compliment his mother for giving birth to him, if you know what I mean.
John Scalzi
#34. Guns don't kill people. The aliens behind the triggers do.
John Scalzi
#35. Damn real live people, getting in the way of peaceful ideals.
John Scalzi
#36. It's like Wednesday morning at the world's biggest Denny's,
John Scalzi
#37. That's what I'd ask you to do: Hope for peace. Because I know that I would love to be able to lay down my weapon and get to being a colonist. Just like you are. Just like I want to be.
John Scalzi
#38. Captain, the problem is not that I'm paranoid. The problem is that the universe keeps justifying my paranoia.
John Scalzi
#39. Q'eeng had just attempted in the third dialect the traditional rightward schism greeting of "I offer you the bread of life," but his phrasing and accent had transmuted the statement into "Let us violate cakes together.
John Scalzi
#40. Colonel, I'm giving you a direct order. Eat the fucking cookie.
John Scalzi
#41. Still, I'd like to know how you came up with that line of reasoning." "You can thank a rabbi," Javna said. "And a hot dog.
John Scalzi
#42. It's not whether she tells everyone," Huma said. "It's whether they believe her." "It's the truth." "Oh, my daughter," Huma said, and smiled. "Don't tell me you don't know how little that actually means.
John Scalzi
#43. Are we agreed that the goal here is survival, not a win?
John Scalzi
#44. I've always liked swimming, so long as my head's above water.
John Scalzi
#45. You asked for help," Wilson said. I also tried to blow up your ship with you in it. "That was before you knew me," Wilson said. I'm sorry about that. "I'm not going to tell you not to be sorry," Wilson said, "but I can understand wanting to get your body back.
John Scalzi
#46. Every creature has a survival instinct. It looks like fear but it's not the same thing. Fear isn't the desire to avoid death or pain. Fear is rooted in the knowledge that what you recognize as yourself can cease to exist. Fear is existential.
John Scalzi
#47. I have drinks," Hanson said, coming up behind Duvall. "Why, Jimmy," Duvall said. "That makes you my new favorite person.
John Scalzi
#48. Remember that the plant wants to eat you," the groundskeeper said. "It's not going to let you get away. Don't fight it. Let yourself be eaten." "Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm finding your advice to be less than one hundred percent helpful,
John Scalzi
#49. People start panicking because they think it's the end of everything. But the fact is, you know, books survived movies; books survived TV. Books are surviving manga and anime. Books will always be there in one form or another. You just have a larger palette of entertainment options.
John Scalzi
#50. And as luck would have it, a position opened up here." "It wasn't luck," Mbeke said. "It was a Longranian Ice Shark," Cassaway said.
John Scalzi
#51. Wes is Wes," Alastair said. "One in every family. I love him, but I think of him as a sarcastic pet.
John Scalzi
#52. In general there should be gay characters in YA because a) surprise, there are gay folks everywhere and b) in my opinion as a father, there's not a damn thing wrong with my child encountering gay folks in her literature, because see point a).
John Scalzi
#53. The story of how I left Huckleberry begins
as do all worthy stories
with a goat
John Scalzi
#54. Well, 'explode' maybe isn't the most accurate term. What actually happens is much more interesting.
John Scalzi
#55. Hide' isn't a word we like to use," Cassaway said. "'Perform alternative tasks' is the preferred term.
John Scalzi
#56. At least one tribe, the Geln, strongly opposed attacking the Colonial Union, since humans were reasonably strong, distressingly tenacious and not especially principled when they felt threatened.
John Scalzi
#57. God damn it," Thomas said as he sat down at the table, carrying a tray so piled with food that it was a miracle he could even lift it. "Aren't we all just too good-looking for words.
John Scalzi
#58. Can I just wrap up this whole line of conversation by saying I really don't give a shit whether you're upset? If you were actually hurt, or dead, then I'd say sorry. But you're not, so suck it up.
John Scalzi
#59. I did two things on my seventy-fifth birthday. I visited my wife's grave. Then I joined the army.
Visiting Kathy's grave was the less dramatic of the two.
John Scalzi
#60. Ultimately, people write to be understood (excepting Gertrude Stein and Tristan Tzara, who were intentionally being difficult).
John Scalzi
#61. Jack Holloway told me he would get the son of a bitch who killed my child and the mate of my child," Papa continued. "Jack Holloway did get that son of a bitch. Jack Holloway got you. You are the man who killed my child. Get off my planet, you son of a bitch.
John Scalzi
#62. She was old and crankily conservative in the way only old liberals could be.
John Scalzi
#63. I know a little bit about deaf culture because a friend of mine has been in the deaf culture for awhile. Over the course of 25 years, she and I have talked about many of the issues and concerns for deaf people and deaf culture.
John Scalzi
#64. How is it so far?" asked Cloud. "How is what so far?" "This," Cloud said, and motioned around him. "Life. The universe. Everything.
John Scalzi
#65. Stop whining like a fucking child." "You could have just said, 'I need your help.'" "All right. I need your help. Stop whining like a fucking child." "That's not better.
John Scalzi
#66. When I was 10, I was hit by a car, which turned my right tibia into a jigsaw puzzle.
John Scalzi
#67. When I was twelve, my appendix burst, and as they were wheeling my ass into the operating room, I asked the doctor, "How will this affect my piano playing?" and he said, "Don't worry, you'll still be able to play the piano," and I said, "Wow! I wasn't able to before!" And then they gassed me.
John Scalzi
#68. I'm not even one year old," Jared said. "I can be a baby if I want.
John Scalzi
#69. I grew up in southern California in the '80s. Yes, I am a walking cliche.
John Scalzi
#70. General Gau had thanked for her candor in this as in all other things and then went ahead and did it anyway.
John Scalzi
#71. Don't discount that part of who he was just because you didn't know it. None of us are all of who we are to any one person.
John Scalzi
#72. We've already established whoever is writing us is an asshole.
John Scalzi
#74. And when I say "exploded" I mean "interacted catastrophically with the topography of space/time in ways we're not entirely able to explain," but "explode" gets the gist of it, particularly with regard to what would happen to a human caught in it.
John Scalzi
#75. Oh, God," I said. "Thank you so very much for the mental image of Dad as a teenage sack of hormones. That's the sort of image that takes therapy to get rid of.
John Scalzi
#76. Roanoke was deep into spring - which was really pretty, even if it turned out that all the native blooms smelled like rotten meat dipped in sewer sauce (that description courtesy of Magdy, who could string together a phrase now and then).
John Scalzi
#77. We have a problem," he said. "Is this another 'I think we have a potential energy flow' kind of problem?" Coloma asked. "No, this is a 'Holy shit, we're all definitely going to die a horrible death in the cold endless dark of space' kind of problem," Basquez said. "We'll be right down," Coloma said.
John Scalzi
#78. There's always been a little bit of tension between the writers of science fiction literature and then science-fiction televised shows or movies, partly because they have a different dynamic.
John Scalzi
#79. But imagine you're a tapeworm, and then suddenly you're Goethe. It's like that.
John Scalzi
#80. Well, let's start with the big one," Creek said. "You're your own nation." Robin considered that for a moment. "For your sake, that had better not be a comment about the size of my ass," she said. The
John Scalzi
#81. You have five minutes," I said. "Of course, because any more time would make this too easy.
John Scalzi
#82. Pleasure doing business with you, Chad," Holloway said, setting down the infopanel. "Please die in a fire, Jack," Bourne said.
John Scalzi
#83. I don't think food safety laws are going to protect you from a third carnitas burrito," Hanson said. "That's not about food safety. It's about pork fat overload.
John Scalzi
#84. I'm going to go pee. If the universe is bigger and stranger than I can imagine, it's best to meet it with an empty bladder.
John Scalzi
#85. Lovely," Wilson said, looking at the display. "And by 'lovely,' I mean 'Oh, crap.
John Scalzi
#86. Leon had attached himself to me in Chicago like a fat, brat-and-beer-filled tick; I was amazed that someone whose blood was clearly half pork grease had made it to age seventy-five.
John Scalzi
#87. And so we learn how simple it is to change the history of the universe," Sorvalh said. "All you need is for every other thing to have gone so horribly wrong
John Scalzi
#88. Part of me was once someone you loved - she sent. I think that part of me wants to be loved by you again, and wants me to love you as well. I can't be her. I can just be me. But I think you could love me if you wanted to. I want you to. Come to me when you can. I'll be here.
John Scalzi
#89. I failed angst in high school. They let me graduate anyway.
John Scalzi
#90. I do think people of good will can have different opinions but still be coming not from a place of malice.
John Scalzi
#91. I have the power to call you here. As I have the power to condemn you to death. I hope we understand each other.
John Scalzi
#92. Look," I said. "Something that needs your attention. Over there. Away from here.
John Scalzi
#93. Fear enters the room and sits down in a chair and with a polite smile asks to open negotiations.
John Scalzi
#94. Trust your weapon, it is almost certainly smarter than you are. Remember this and you may yet live.
John Scalzi
#95. Oh for God's sake how divine can I be? My feet hurt, I have gas and I need to pee.
John Scalzi
#96. There's nothing like sharing menarche with a billion hermaphrodites. I think it was everyone's first time.
John Scalzi
#97. What I owe those I kill is understanding. I owe them the courtesy of recognition; acknowledgement that they were something other than just another thing I had to kill on the way to other things I had to kill.
John Scalzi
#98. Although, honestly, watching authors fistfight is like watching geese play Jeopardy. There's a lot of honking and squawking but no one ever gets to what they're supposed to be doing.
John Scalzi
#99. Would you like some help with your duct work, sir?" Dahl asked. "Please," Kerensky said. *
John Scalzi
#100. Ultimately, the first, best step in getting your work noticed is to write good work. If people don't engage in your writing, no amount of serialization or free downloads is going to matter. You have to write something worth reading, and often it takes time to get at that level.
John Scalzi
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