Top 100 Humor School Quotes
#1. A high-level government agent was arrested today for selling secrets to Russia. They now have all of the exact locations of our back-to-school headquarters.
David Letterman
#2. Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox.
Edward Harris
#3. Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.
Elizabeth Eulberg
#4. Lord brayton is a very attractive man,' she called out above all their guffaws. 'And if he were to wear tis in my presence outside the bounds if this school, I would bed him. Repeatedly. Until I was unable to walk.
Delilah Marvelle
#5. Huging my pillow to my chest, I told myself, At least soon you won't have so much time to miss him. Soon school will start again, and then you'll be busier.
Wait. Am I reduced to HOPING for school to start?
Somehow, I have discovered a whole new level of pathetic.
Claudia Gray
#6. God really must have had a sense of humor, because if I had to name my biggest turn-on, it was literature. And he had just recommended a book that I didn't know, that wasn't taught in school. If I were single, there would be no better pick-up line.
Kody Keplinger
#7. Here's a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn't dead. And believe me, I know dead. I've been there, done that, and got the frickin' T-shirt. - Stevie Rae
P.C. Cast
#8. He kissed me for a long moment, holding my shoulders, perhaps to keep me from pressing my whole body against his. Then he tried to lift my bag.
"My God," he said. "What happened?"
"I found out one may check out twenty books at a time from the school library.
Laura Whitcomb
#9. In high school, she'd been the loner fat girl and I'd been the asshole jock. There had always been something between us; we had gotten on so easily. I remember being both confused and upset that when I'd finally experienced that thing everyone called chemistry, it had been with her of all people.
Rose Fall
#10. Humor was also a defense mechanism from getting picked on at school. If I could be funny maybe people wouldn't bother me.
Pandora Boxx
#11. The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"
Dave Barry
#12. I don't know why I go to school unless for kicks, oh well might as well do dissect a frog.
S.E. Hinton
#13. He would have given anything for a tension-breaker-maybe, if he prayed hard enough, the school would catch on fire or something.
Christian M. Frank
#14. I knew she wouldn't remember me," Della said as she and Jordan once again sat at the table. "She had her head so far up her ass in high school, the only thing she could recognize was her own colon.
Carla Cassidy
#15. Why aren't you at school?" I ask suddenly.
"It's a holiday," he says, a little too quickly.
"Right. What holiday would that be? National Talk Out of Your Ass Day?
Gretchen Powell
#16. My mother read that parents should spend quality time with their children. One way is to sign up for organized activities together. This month we're taking meditation to free the mind. Last month it was Rolfing. Have you ever Rolfed, Tone?"
"Only after the school's shepherd's pie," I said.
Julie Anne Peters
#17. Joe was so tired that he had slept through first hour Spanish, second hour history, and most of third hour English. The English teacher, Mrs. Lane, hadn't taken a liking to that. She decided to send Joe to the principal to discuss why he was so sleepy, which Joe hadn't taken a liking to.
Belart Wright
#18. The last thing I need is for my dad to stroll in and see me abusing myself to lighting-fast pornographic images.Military school will become a reality faster than those people are doing it.
Brent Crawford
#19. -The Lord says to forgive is devine.
-The Lord didn't go to high school with you.
Dakota Cassidy
#20. If I could cook I wouldn't have to study my ass off at school and I would have tried to find a man to support me as his lovely wife.
Carolina Soto
#21. Skipping school isn't a crime. It's an infraction. They're totally different.
Cory Doctorow
#22. We should throw the Epistle of James out of this school ...
Martin Luther
#23. We go to school so that when we grow up we can make lots of money, and we make lots of money so we can provide for our children, and we have children to provide for our retirement (because we don't have any money left).
R.M. ArceJaeger
#24. On the first day of middle school I wore high-heeled shoes that you weren't allowed to wear. I remember being so embarrassed because in every class I went to they kept pointing out that I couldn't wear these shoes. I wanted to call my mom and have her bring me new shoes!
Emma Stone
#25. Did you get notes for me?"
"No", Ronan replied,"I thought you were dead in a ditch.
Maggie Stiefvater
#26. I've always had a bawdy sense of humor. My father was a traveling salesman and he would bring jokes home. He would say, "Honey, you can take this one to school, but you can't take that one to school."
Betty White
#27. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
George Carlin
#28. I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.
Denis Leary
#29. I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.
G.G. Silverman
#30. Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts
P.G. Wodehouse
#31. If chance be the Father of all flesh,
Disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
And when you hear
State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!
It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.
Steve Turner
#32. Every time I write a personal check, I feel like I've gone back in time. What year is it? Who's president? Do I even have the right to vote?
L.T. Vargus
#33. CONJUGATE THIS:
I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish today. Gracias a dios. Hasta luego.
Laurie Halse Anderson
#34. I turned into the Greenbrier High School parking lot with a singular mission: figure out a way to keep my brothers from chasing off every guy who seemed interested in me.
Chris Cannon
#35. So this is creepy,' I say, motioning to the school with my non-key-shiv hand.
Julie Murphy
#36. I didn't answer. Mr. Dowater had a reputation for deadpan humor, a humor that was strangely similar to the low-level, sarcastic sniper fire offered by the school's underbleacher population of stoners and class-cutters. It didn't really pay to engage it. After
Ethan Canin
#38. Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn't really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn't like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn't exactly help me get into the school.
Ilona Andrews
#39. I fantasized bout how I'd use my free hour at school. Organize my sticker album or tend to my vast My Little Pony herd. You know, things that would contribute to my future.
Felicia Day
#40. I go to school here, same as you,' Han said.
Micah blinked at him stupidly, the drink slowing him down. 'You? Do you even know how to read and write? They can't have lowered the standards that much.'
'Well,' Han said, 'they let you in.
Cinda Williams Chima
#41. The next day Georgia left for school before I even got to the breakfast table. From behind his newspaper, Papy asked tiredly, Are you girls on World War Four now, or is it Five?
Amy Plum
#42. When I was in medical school, I embarrassed myself horribly when I found a 'lump' in my breast and frantically ran to one of the older doctors to find out if I had cancer. I found out I had a rib.
Susan M. Love
#43. I know that big people don't like questions from children. They can ask all the questions they like, How's school? Are you a good boy? Did you say your prayers? but if you ask them did they say their prayers you might be hit on the head.
Frank McCourt
#44. The children start school now in August. They say it has to do with air-conditioning, but I know sadism when I see it.
Rick Bragg
#45. Happier'n young'uns bustin' outta school fer summer break!
K.D. Harp
#46. Find your school satyr and get his help. You need to make it to Camp Half-Blood right away.
Rick Riordan
#47. Honestly, Elise, sometimes it's like you don't even go to this school.' 'Well, that is the goal,' I said.
Leila Sales
#48. The bracelet and the first charm appeared the day I punched Austin Jackson in the nose. I didn't mean to slug him. His face just got in my way. It was a bruising end to a disastrous first month in middle school.
Jenny Lundquist
#49. Oh" She seems relieved. "So you weren't - "
"Don't worry, Ms.Grey. I wasn't drinking, smoking, toking or snorting in school. I keep the recreational drug use at home where it belongs.
Courtney Summers
#51. I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.
Andrea Portes
#52. A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.
James Patterson
#53. I don't know what's worse, being ignored or stared at.
Renata Suerth
#54. She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school ...
J.K. Rowling
#55. Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep sea diving.
Jean Shepherd
#56. He exhaled in disgust. "High school is boredom punctuated by humiliation.
Katie Kennedy
#57. Soap?"
"School of America in Paris" he explains. "SOAP".
Nice. My father sent me here to be cleansed.
Stephanie Perkins
#58. For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.
Jess Rothenberg
#59. I crushed on the most popular guy in school! I saw him at a concert and I shouted out, Is that Shane Lopes? You were the most popular guy in my class, but you never wanted to go out with me. Instead it was Amanda Wayne. What are you thinking now?
Katy Perry
#60. Popular kids are just a powerful union of needy, insecure losers.
Jay Bell
#61. I looked where he was tapping.
"Local Girl Missing, Feared Dead"
Beneath it was a photo or me-my most recent school photo. "Oh no." My heart filling with dread, i took the paper from Mr. Smith's hands. "Couldn't they have found a better picture?
Meg Cabot
#62. I'll pluck out my eye with a pencil and eat it with a Spam and mustard sandwich IF ONLY you'll sit me at lunch today, MacKenzie!
Rachel Renee Russell
#64. Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent." Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. "You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way.
Richard Paul Evans
#65. My senior year of high school, I was voted 'Wittiest.' So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.
Barbara Park
#66. Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
George Carlin
#67. People always talk about how great it is to get older. All I saw were more rules and more adults telling me what I could and couldn't do, in the name of what's " good for me." Yeah, well, asparagus is good for me, but it still makes me want to throw up.
James Patterson
#68. Square school pizza disproves socialism more than any political argument ever did.
Richard Raley
#69. Humor is anger that was sent to finishing school.
Richard Peck
#70. Looking back, I didn't realize until years later what a huge influence Red Skelton was in my stage demeanor with the band. I mean, I always liked things that were funny, and later I realized that having a sly sense of humor was a way to get attention and even respect in school.
Jello Biafra
#71. Why didn't they warn us at school? I'm sure if some teacher had said, "Oh and by the way, it feels like someone sandpapering your cervix," they needn't have bothered with all the AIDS warnings and morality stuff.
Kate Long
#72. Goodreads sports some of the social awkwardness of middle school. If you are looking for a friend, I promise no matter your background or book preferences I will be your friend.
Red Phoenix
#73. My dad instilled in me a great sense of humor. I wasn't bullied at school because my outward attitude was confident, and that helps.
Warwick Davis
#74. Life is supposed to have ups and downs. But for me, it's been more like ups and downs ... and downs ... and downs.
James Patterson
#75. The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Russell Howard
#76. It would be a really bad idea to let this person loose."
"How bad of an idea?"
"Kicking-Hitler-out-of-art-school bad.
Rin Chupeco
#77. He reminded me of Gerald Roma from grade school, who used to burn ants with a magnifying glass. He was never quite right. It was weird that he spontaneously combusted during finals week our freshman year in college. Payback was a bitch.
Darynda Jones
#78. A lot of people have it in for me. It's practically a school sport.
Nenia Campbell
#79. Is it? Because that picture of me was taken by my old school's yearbook club, and they put it in the section titled 'STUDENT FAILSAUCES! XD.
What's an XD?
A sideways laughing face of horrendous proportions. Don't change the subject.
Sara Wolf
#81. School never teaches you about this mangled human slime, it slays me. You spend all your time learning the capital of Surinam while these retards carve their initials in your back.
D.B.C. Pierre
#82. That Jim Crow there in the window," answered the urchin, holding out a cent, and pointing to the gingerbread figure that had attracted his notice, as he loitered along to school; "the one that has not a broken foot.
Nathaniel Hawthorne
#83. Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
Eoin Colfer
#84. THE AWARD CEREMONY is held at a high school in Hyannis. Though it's just a gymnasium (the scent of balls of both varieties is still palpable) and the ceremony hasn't started yet, everyone speaks in hushed tones, like it's church. Something important and literary is about to happen here.
Gabrielle Zevin
#85. I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don't like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.
Jim Gaffigan
#86. Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she replied. With unexpected politeness he bowed, thanked her, and said, likewise.
Carsten Jensen
#87. Sheep. I'm stuck in a boarding school filled with sheep.
Libba Bray
#88. Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
Eugene Mirman
#89. Catholic schools carry out a great mission, to serve God by building knowledge and character ... By teaching the word of God, you prepare your students to follow a path of virtue.
George W. Bush
#90. Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.
Jenny McCarthy
#91. You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself.
Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next walk across the classroom but on second thought ...
Janette Rallison
#92. CHEERS, CARTER. At least you have the sense to hand me the microphone for important things.
Honestly, he drones on and on about his plans for the Apocalypse, but he makes no plans at all for the school dance. My brother's priorities are severely skewed.
Sadie Kane
Rick Riordan
#93. If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?
Philip, Duke Of Edinburgh
#94. You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
Bill Watterson
#95. On time for us was thirty minutes before actually started, because the half hour before the first bell was the highlight of our social calendars: standing outside the side door that led into the band room and just talking.
John Green
#96. For me, that emotional payoff is what it's all about. I want you to laugh or cry when you read a story ... or do both at the same time. I want your heart, in other words. If you want to learn something, go to school.
Stephen King
#97. NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
Ambrose Bierce
#98. I don't do 'black music,' I don't do 'white music' ... I make fight music, for high school kids.
Eminem
#99. The school had a big problem with drugs ... especially Class A.
Milton Jones
#100. When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school.
Janet Evanovich
