Top 100 Humor Me Quotes
#1. We've had this conversation before, but humor me. How many people in this room have a soul? A shot at heaven, or whatever there is after this life.
Stephenie Meyer
#2. You're sweet to humor me.
He nearly choked on a fry. There was the sweet again. He should have killed someone this week; that would have taken care of that.
Jill Shalvis
#3. So humor me for a minute, and look out your window. What did you see?
Hope Jahren
#4. Would you humor me for a moment?"
"I believe I've been humoring you since you walked through my front door," he replied.
She smiled. "Just for a moment.
Charlie N. Holmberg
#5. Just humor me for a few more minutes at least ... You are hands-down, the most gorgeous woman here tonight. Or probably anywhere, for that matter. When you leave, at least I'll be able to say I got a whole dance with you. - Jonathan di Luca
R. Matthews
#6. I really only have Perfect Fun with myself. Other people won't stop and look at the things I want to look at or, if they do, they stop to please me or to humor me or to keep the peace.
Katherine Mansfield
#7. I know I'm being a pain in the ass, Sascha darling, but humor me. I'm working on letting go -I promise our kid will be a wild savage exactly like Roman and Julian.
Nalini Singh
#8. You might as well humor me and let the Band-Aid boys check you out.
Pamela Clare
#10. Everything about you fascinates me, Sophie. The smell of your skin. The sound of your voice. Your long legs. Your sense of humor. Your personality. You don't seem to need me, and if you don't need me, it is much more gratifying that you want me.
Elisa Marie Hopkins
#11. Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me.
"I was testing dorm security," I said. "It sucks.
Richelle Mead
#12. How can anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is ME.
Morrissey
#13. The Lord help us!' he soliloquised in an undertone of peevish displeasure, while relieving me of my horse: looking, meantime, in my face so sourly that I charitably conjectured he must have need of divine aid to digest his dinner, and his pious ejaculation had no reference to my unexpected advent.
Emily Bronte
#14. So what's the point of it all?"
"Seriously?" I asked. "Seriously? You're asking me for the meaning of life? Isn't that a little stereotypical?"
"Well it's a reasonable question," you persisted.
Andy Weir
#15. You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me.
"I used your toothbrush."
His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?
E.L. James
#16. You want me to invite him to dinner."
"I want you to invite him to dinner," she agreed.
"You know," he said, "most gay men don't have mothers who are this enthusiastic about their love lives."
"That's probably true," she said. "You're one of the lucky ones.
Matthew Haldeman-Time
#17. One hardly need believe that the events in your life are actually planned as bolts from the blue, sent special delivery from a deity who is testing and training you like a lab rat! And that is what we are saying when we fretfully ask, What can God be trying to teach me through this tragedy?
Robert M. Price
#18. People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist ... how do we fix Africa?'
Bo Burnham
#19. If you run away from trouble, it always follows.'
Rather my impression, too. Though that never stopped me trying.
Tanith Lee
#20. I thought I recognized you.
Really? He remembered me looking like Swamp Thing? How flattering.
Josh Lanyon
#21. So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire's coffin? - Shella
Krista Alasti
#23. Look guys, I am your worst nightmare. I'm a woman with a badge, a gun, and PMS. Are you really sure you want to piss me off any more tonight?
K.V. McMillan
#24. I don't like mysteries, which is why I want to solve them. It bothers me that there are things I don't know.
Nelson DeMille
#25. Dear me, what an unsatisfactory world it was! When one did find a nice kind of life something or somebody always seemed to shove you out of it just as you were beginning to enjoy it.
Hugh Lofting
#26. And spare me the jokes about scoring."
"Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?"
"It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts."
"So, ninety-five percent of the time.
Cassandra Clare
#27. How she looks is watered-down.
How she looks is disappearing.
How she looks is erased.
"Don't stress", she says. "This is just me not wearing any makeup.
Chuck Palahniuk
#28. Any chance I'd get to see you in that bikini?"
Zahara punched him in the arm. "No more talk of me in anything remotely skimpy or I'm gonna drop-kick you, got it?" ~Zahara and Bryan
Annabell Cadiz
#29. If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.
Eugene Mirman
#30. Injun Joe studied the body for a moment, his eyes sad. Then he said, "I'd rather go in my sleep, I think." He glanced back at me. "What about you?"
"I want to be stepped on by an elephant while having sex with identical triplet cheerleaders," I said.
Jim Butcher
#31. My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.
Oscar Wilde
#32. Gwen: It's not going to work.
Paul: Pardon me?
Gwen: Cinderella's not going to sleep with you because you're taking the ugly stepsister to the ball. She'll still make you wait.
Jo Leigh
#33. Your cold, inflexible heart makes me burn to be inside you."
"Charmer.
G.A. Aiken
#34. What would you call your decorating style?" I asked. "Boring-bachelor? Or messy-loner? He looked over at me. "More like distracted-about-my-detainee-girlfriend," he said.
Katie Kacvinsky
#35. Baby, you're so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.
Rhys Ford
#36. My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Chelsea Handler
#37. Miss Prendregast!" He rapped on his desk with his knuckles. "You were never in any danger!"
"Except from the wild animals."
His lids swept down as if he needed a reprieve from looking at her. "Alert me if you're attacked by a rabbit.
Christina Dodd
#38. When are you going to trust me Max?" asked Fang.
"When I go completely bonkers," I laughed.
James Patterson
#39. I want that little blonde bitch in the lobby to hear me screaming your name.
Aaron B. Powell
#40. I know I only want him,' she said between sobs, the syllables all wrong, 'because he doesn't want me. How is that even possible?'
'It's normal to want what we can't have,' I said soothingly.
'No, I mean how can he not want me?
Olivia Sudjic
#41. I'm considering whether or not to believe you. I need to run an algorithm on this."
"That's not funny."
"You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you.
Jessica Park
#42. So, you're telling me the zoo commissioned you to make a zombie panda in order to avoid a potential international incident.
Lish McBride
#43. Thank you for your enthusiasm. Earlier today I told another student I was getting new encyclopedias - he asked me how long I'd be in the hospital!
Chris Colfer
#44. Nothing surprises me now, I tell him. I am stoic. I am Joan of Arc, with liver damage and an unused penis.
Augusten Burroughs
#45. Well, boo, how does bacon sound?"
"Bacon sounds great, but you can't call me boo."
"Why not?"
"Because you're not a rapper, and I'm not your shorty.
R.K. Lilley
#46. We want to empower the doctors and patients to get all the other assholes out of the way,' Clark had once told me, then laughed. 'Except for us. One asshole in the middle.
Michael Lewis
#47. I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
Zach Galifianakis
#48. The old, endless, approachable and always answering Sorrow," says my father Lucifer. "For who calls on me never goes unanswered. Only prayers to God go without answers.
Robert Nye
#49. You're a dead man," Kyle said. "Warren doesn't take kindly to people who hurt me.
Patricia Briggs
#50. I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
#51. Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
Suzanne Collins
#52. Now let me teach you another thing about my daughter. I love her very much but she has the ability to hide as expertly as a sock in a washing machine. No one knows where it goes, just as no one knows where she goes, but at least when she decides to come back, we're all here, waiting for her.
Cecelia Ahern
#53. I think it's just a gash. Hurts like bloody hell, though. Remind me ... to never try to rescue you again."
"I can't believe the timing, that you stepped in just when I was thrusting. I didn't see you."
"I didn't see the knife, so we're even.
Lorraine Heath
#54. The spells are made up. I have met people who assure me, very seriously, that they are trying to do them, and I can assure them, just as seriously, that they don't work.
J.K. Rowling
#55. Are you going to tell me what that was about?" Adam asked as we went back upstairs.
"Sometime," I told him. "When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.
Patricia Briggs
#56. I'll pluck out my eye with a pencil and eat it with a Spam and mustard sandwich IF ONLY you'll sit me at lunch today, MacKenzie!
Rachel Renee Russell
#57. So you love me," said Petra softly when the kiss ended.
I'm a raging mass of hormones thet I'm too young to understand," said Bean. "You're a female of a closely related species. According to all the best primatologists, I really have no choice."
That's nice," she said ...
Orson Scott Card
#58. If humor and rumor are needed more than faith and truth,
then it tells me something about the kind of world we live today.
Toba Beta
#59. Rob looked a little shocked. "Don't you look at me like that," I snapped at him. "Just because I can't trim a beard don't mean I can't swear."
"Like a sailor," he added. "I've never heard so many curses in my whole life. All combined.
A.C. Gaughen
#60. The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.
Cassandra Clare
#61. Nosoi?" Percy planted his feet in a fighting stance. "You know, I keep thinking, I have now killed every single thing in Greek mythology. But the list never seems to end."
"You haven't killed me yet," I noted.
"Don't tempt me.
Rick Riordan
#62. I wanted to tell his dad that Nathan was fine the way he was and that he was the one that needed to change. It made me glad to have my parents. If I told my dad I was gay, he'd probably just look scared and hand over more safe sex money. -Nick Severson
C.K. Kelly Martin
#63. Just don't ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we'll get along great.
Rick Riordan
#64. I moved up beside Jamie."I have to go."
She frowned at me. "Where?"
I pressed a hand to the bottom of my belly. "My bladder.It-"
Ah." She gave a small laugh. "We interrupt this life-or-death situation for a pregnancy pee break. Don't see that in the movies, do you?
Kelley Armstrong
#65. I crushed on the most popular guy in school! I saw him at a concert and I shouted out, Is that Shane Lopes? You were the most popular guy in my class, but you never wanted to go out with me. Instead it was Amanda Wayne. What are you thinking now?
Katy Perry
#66. You won't be expecting forever, Annwyl. And once the twins are
here, you'll be as violently cruel and madly bloodthirsty as you always
were."
"Now you're just trying to make me feel better."
"Is it working?"
"A little.
G.A. Aiken
#67. I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad, dead, married to people who disapproved of me, or weren't really my friends, now that I came to think of it.
Hugh Laurie
#68. That really pissed me off, because I am worth it, goddamn it!"
"I know you - "
"Still talking here!
Robin L. Rotham
#69. I don't believe this. This is utter shit!" I yelled.
"Does it look like I'm lying?" Steven asked.
I rolled my eyes at his incredibly stupid question, "I don't know. Let me look at you with my x-ray vision to see through this stupid blindfold and I'll get back to you.
Sara Massa
#70. They call me the confuser. Is he a man ... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.
Noel Fielding
#71. You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
Erma Bombeck
#72. Claire to Tony: I know you enjoy coffee, I'd offer you some. But, the last time I got you coffee, it didn't work out so well for me.
Aleatha Romig
#73. Smartass Disciple: Master, please show me the way to the enlightenment.
Master of Stupidity: Walk with me! [but I won't let you try to surpass me].
Toba Beta
#74. You're the guy who saves up his pennies to take me to a movie," she said, shaking her head as the truth of it came home to her. "I buy the popcorn. Large, of course, because I'm rich.
Michael Grant
#75. Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn't have tried to turn ya into a snake.
Michelle M. Pillow
#76. She swept away, putting an extra kink into her walk. I would not have thought that a woman with an ass that bony could make it wiggle so much but she proved me wrong.
Ilona Andrews
#77. I'm not bipolar, I've just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.
Daniel O'Malley
#78. The first time I went over to [my director's] house, he said to me, This is a very strange play. I was pleased that he reminded me of that. [He] understands the play [VENUS] intellectually and emotionally and the humor, the funny bone.
Suzan-Lori Parks
#79. Smitty leaned forward, resting his arms on this raised knees. "I am fixin' to get mad, Jessie.
"You're fixin' to get mad?"
"Yeah."
"Why don't you just get mad?"
"I'm not there yet. But I will be if you don't start talking to me."
Smitty to Jessie Ann
Shelly Laurenston
#80. Dreams like a podcast,
Downloading truth in my ears.
They tell me cool stuff."
"Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.
He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred."
"A god named Fred?
Rick Riordan
#81. She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. "Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school ...
J.K. Rowling
#82. And why did men insist on buying the largest size? Didn't they understand the concept of sizes? Did they think buying a magnum sized condom was going to fool me into thinking their Toyota Camery was an aircraft carrier?
Penny Reid
#83. For you, Esperetta, anything." Velkan
"Anything?" Esperetta
"Yes." Velkan
"Then come and get naked with me. Right now." Esperetta
"As you wish, Princess." Velkan
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#84. I stared. Canadian Satanists? You're sending me to a group of Canadian Satanists?
Richelle Mead
#85. Don't profane yourself, or the Biodag Dubh.
Oh, Mary Ann. Me and the Beedak Doo are just fine.
Kendare Blake
#86. A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!
Kathy Griffin
#87. Curse the genetics that turn me into a lobster after one hour in the sun while everyone else gets to look like a sexy peanut.
A.M. Robinson
#88. What do you want from me, Maggie? Advice? Absolution? Go forth and be a bitch no more.
Molly Harper
#89. Will knelt beside me. I wished I could have taken a holo of him at that moment and played it for him the next time he kicked me out of his room. He never would believe he was the same brother who had once tried to knock me out with a pillow.
Cameron Stracher
#90. Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me
almost as if I were going to think!
Aleister Crowley
#91. I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)
Gail Honeyman
#92. Uh.. you'er Sophie?" Mrianda ventured
"That's me"
"How old areyou?"
Sophie rolled ker wide brown eyes,
"Ahunderd and forty-eight" she relied. "I got to live back when women coulden't vote, isn't that awesome?
Dianne Sylvan
#93. Any schmuck can be unhappy when things aren't going well, but it takes a truly unique variety of schmuck; a real innovator in the schmuck field to be unhappy when things are going as great as they are for me.
Tropper Jonathan
#94. I've always wanted to go out with a bang, that's why I carry two bricks around with me wherever I go, so when I leave a room I clap them together.
Nicole McKay
#95. I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."
Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.
Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.
Eoin Colfer
#96. Crying all the time had made her more beautiful. Grief will do that sometimes. Not for me. Loretta had left months ago and I still looked like hell.
Junot Diaz
#97. A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn't leave me for someone prettier.
Cindi Madsen
#99. We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn't have enough time to have sex with me.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#100. When he bowed his head to hide his grin, she stiffened. "This is most certainly not amusing."
He looked up, the humor still glittering in his eyes, and spoke one word. "James."
"Pardon me?"
"James Lamont. It's my name. You'll need it if you're to curse me properly.
Tamara Hughes
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