Top 100 Humor Advice Quotes
#1. On the whole, I think you should write biographies of those you admire and respect, and novels about human beings who you think are sadly mistaken.
Penelope Fitzgerald
#2. When you make things too easy on someone, you're giving them a discount on your worth; and this causes them to regard you as inferior.
K.M.Docherty
#3. Take my advice," Victor said and Nate's eyes
shifted to him again, "get the girl pregnant. It
worked for me with Laura." After saying this, he
grinned cheekily.
Kristen Ashley
#4. It doesn't matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had, how many zombies you killed, and how long you survived.
Caleb Eversole
#5. Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.
Shomprakash Sinha Roy
#6. A project is like love; it has clear intentions at the beginning, but it can get complicated.
Gerry Geek
#7. A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.
Pawan Mishra
#8. Not even a hand-stitched suit could hide a body gone ruinously to seed. I was tempted to offer some fashion advice, but I didn't think he'd welcome the news that this year, bellies are being worn inside the trousers
Val McDermid
#9. 'We're not ... we haven't been writing poetry and sprinkling rose petals and tripping hand in hand under rainbows, Kay.'
'Just because you have Y chromosomes doesn't mean you can't tell each other how you feel, Dylan. Your penises won't fall off if you do.'
Kim Fielding
#10. Share in your activities and interests. If you are going to kill zombies anyway, why not do it together?
Jesse Petersen
#11. Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.
Herbert Beerbohm Tree
#12. A word of advice, if I may? Explosions are an excellent way to kill the undead. But you should probably take a few steps back first, kid.
Heather Brewer
#13. When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck
#14. I've received two key pieces of advice in regard to my books. The first is, "You should lay off the f-bombs." The other is, "You should add more f-bombs.
LiNCOLN PARK
#15. You are your partner are on the same side - it's the side of the living.
Jesse Petersen
#16. *marissa tries to get her single, working mother's attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*
'You're a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.
Camille Pagan
#18. Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives.
Bauvard
#19. No one can be your sun, moon, or stars until you have your own world.
K.M.Docherty
#20. When there's a monster under your bed sometimes it really is best not to look.
Jocelynn Drake
#21. Make a concise statement clearly and you should only need to say it once.
Mary Mihalic
#23. Word of advice, sister mine. If you want to keep your papers private, don't write 'Private' on the cover. It set the mater right off. It was all I could do to stop her sniffing around like some great sniffing thing.
Lauren Willig
#24. It's impossible to walk through solid rock ... You have to walk between the molecules that make up the rock.
J.M. Dattilo
#25. Stocks may come and stocks may go, but food goes on forever.
Beatrice Fairfax
#27. Word of advice. These have a kick, so don't suck too hard -
Holy hypoxia, Batman.
J.R. Ward
#28. When you're given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.
Shannon L. Alder
#29. Merrill Krause - "My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me."
Granny Lassiter - "Well, if a man can't stand up to those brothers of yours, you needn't even consider him. A man ought to be able to hold his own with his wife's family.
Tracie Peterson
#30. If someone begins to sing, do not maintain eye contact. The general advice given to fellow travellers is thus: leg it.
Ness Kingsley
#31. Mostly you love them and you cherish their milestones but occasionally you do want to tape them to a chair. That would be child abuse, DO NOT TAPE YOUR CHILDREN TO CHAIRS. If you want to tape your baby dolls to chairs, be my guest. I am fairly certain that there isn't like a Cabbage Patch CPS.
E. A. Davis
#33. If you only attract Mr. Wrong or Ms. Crazy, evaluate the common thread in this diversity of people: YOU!
Valerie J. Lewis Coleman
#34. Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.
David C. Holley
#35. I got to give mom credit for how she handled it.She didn't try to pry and get all the details. All she said was that I should try to do "the right thing" because it's our choices that make us who we are. I figure that's pretty decent advice. But I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to do tomorrow.
Jeff Kinney
#36. Talk openly about important issues like money, sex, and religion. They can affect your life and happiness a great deal. Especially when it comes to cults.
Jesse Petersen
#39. My heart aches for you! But don't despair! I am persuaded you will come about! Recollect what the poet says! I'm not sure which poet, but very likely it was Shakespeare, because it generally is, though why I can't imagine!
Georgette Heyer
#40. A wise woman has already a rite
Where she knows right from left.
She usually writes when she's right
And always leaves before she's left.
Ana Claudia Antunes
#42. The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean - so Bunbury died.
He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.
Oscar Wilde
#43. But don't worry," she continued. "Most snakes don't want to hurt you. If you're out in the bush and a snake comes along, just stop dead and let it slide over your shoes."
This, I decided, was the least-likely-to-be-followed advice I have ever been given.
Bill Bryson
#44. Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone's advice, then bother to listen to it.
Sophie Kinsella
#45. I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help.
George Carlin
#46. Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.
Eugene Mirman
#47. Tummy Time - When a parent lays their baby on their tummy to strengthen and develop physically. Also called forgetting the child on the floor and giving it a name.
Olive Hunter
#48. Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot!
Bill Watterson
#49. Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.
S.K. Tremayne
#50. Show physical affection. Nothing says "I love you" like bearing the entirety of your spouse's weight.
Jesse Petersen
#51. Tip #4
Skinny-dip at will!
(Idea)
When single boast about finding your inner most happy place and hold on to it Odds are once married you can kiss personal space Good-Bye.
Hazel Cartwright
#52. Once, if you told people you were self-published, they'd look at you like you were a smelly old jobless hobo just come off a dusty boxcar with soupcan shoes and a hat made from a coyote skull.
Chuck Wendig
#53. The sexiest advice:
Dear humans, stop role-playing in your lives; these sort of things are meant to be explored only at times you won't mention in public.
Saurabh Sharma
#54. Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
Eugene Mirman
#55. Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
Scott Adams
#56. Remember how we put stickers with your name on your pocessions that could be stolen.We didn't put a sticker on your innocence so don't lose it!
Candace Allan
#57. I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead.
Doug MacLeod
#58. Trillian did a little research in the ship's copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It had some advice to offer on drunkenness.
"Go to it," it said, "and good luck.
Douglas Adams
#59. What do you want from me, Maggie? Advice? Absolution? Go forth and be a bitch no more.
Molly Harper
#60. Just because it makes no sense doesn't mean it's not good advice.
Mick Farren
#61. Your advice seems a little ironical."
"Oh, you may either follow it or reverse it - that is its chief beauty. It is equally good taken either way.
Thomas Henry Lister
#62. Don't be stupider than you need to be, I remind myself. Remember Calease? The last glowing girl you talked to tried to kill you.
Erica Cameron
#64. Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama - Their father can order an assassination, don't piss him off.
David C. Holley
#65. Never second guess yourself. Or do, maybe. Whatever you feel good about.
Dan Florence
#66. So, in conclusion, that is the moral of Heidi. 'Always push invalid chairs off the top of mountains when you get the opportunity.' The end. Excellent advice.
Louise Rennison
#67. Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife.
Pawan Mishra
#68. Every profession has its pitfalls. Doctors, for example, are always being asked for free medical advice, lawyers are asked for legal information, morticians are told how interesting a profession that must be and then people change the subject fast.
Neil Gaiman
#69. Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart
#70. If you can identify humor in problems then you will have less difficulties in solving them ... Most importantly, "you should be able to laugh on yourself".
Honeya
#71. Jonah squealed, jumping up and down and shaking his pom-poms. His skirt swished around his scrawny yellow knees.
"Jonah, can I give you a piece of sisterly advice?"
"Yeah."
"If you ever want to lose your virginity, don't do that again. Ever.
Carrie Harris
#72. There a dozen ways to skin a cat. All of them are illegal.
Ness Kingsley
#73. Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely.
Bill McKean
#74. If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.
Eugene Mirman
#75. If you enjoy sticking a straw in a dog's ear, don't sit next to the pooch with a milkshake.
Alan Rogers
#76. When you're dating someone, you need to have intercourse at least ten times before you start talking about The Future.
Mimi Strong
#77. I though I screwed everything up," I say.
He smiles. "You're only one person. In the whole universe. You can't screw everything up.
Caela Carter
#78. When writing, I uncage KAT: Keep Adding Tension. Even if I don't know where the story's going, petting the KAT keeps it purring.
Don Roff
#80. I have never yet figured out what to do about good advice that you get, and that you know right away would help you, but that you cannot follow.
Holly Lisle
#81. Two steps forward ... one step back ... I've always hated that old cliche too ... I believe that we should all be able to dance through life and only change the tempo now and then.
Isabelle Rowan
#82. Love advice is like life advice, so there are so many elements of that. I think humor, patience, admiration are really important love elements. Love and respect. You have to respect the person that you're going to love, and you have to be confident in yourself and love yourself.
Zac Posen
#84. Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?
Demetri Martin
#85. I have a great many opinions about writing, but I'm afraid that all of them are unprintable
Alfred Lansing
#86. Boys say they don't mind how you get your hair done. But then they leave you for someone with really great standard girl hair and the next thing you know you're alone with a masculine crop crying into your granola.
Alexa Chung
#87. I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo
Cora Carmack
#88. Paying attention is more important to reliability than moving slowly. Because he pays close attention, a Navy pilot can land a 40,000 lb. aircraft at 140 miles per hour on a pitching carrier deck, at night, more safely than the average teenager can cut a bagel.
Paul Graham
#89. This advice from a college freshman carrying a cane?"
"It's a walking stick, I'll have you know."
"Same difference."
"Hardly. It's fashion.
Danika Stone
#90. In matters of religion and matrimony I never give advice, because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.
Philip Dormer Stanhope
#91. Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence. "Boys are like candy," she suddenly says. I grin. "Really, Mom? That's your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens?
Rucy Ban
#92. The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
Stephen Colbert
#94. Ignore people who say you can't do it, even if this person is yourself.
Martha Reed
#95. If you feel that you can solve others problems, then please, work little more on your own problems and solve them first.
Honeya
#97. You can just about always stand more 'n you think you can.
Texas Bix Bender
#98. When single you are," Roger said, imitating Yoda dispensing advice to Luke, "get laid you can. When married you get, make love you do.
Sean Kennedy
#99. Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
Woody Allen
#100. Those who believe everything they read probably should refrain from reading.
Matt
