Top 94 Funny Just Giving Quotes
#1. Noah had wandered down the aisle, but now he gleefully returned with a snow globe. He stood behind Ronan until he pushed off the shelf to admire the atrocity.
"Glitter," whispered Noah reverentially, giving it a shake.
Maggie Stiefvater
#2. You can't work me, Liv. I know you're a bitch, I know you're cranky, I know you're loving, I know you're smart and funny, I know you're giving and generous. I'm not walking off because you're not flawless. I don't want a diamond, I want a wife.
- Marc to Olivia
Lauren Dane
#3. The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.
Rachel Vincent
#4. Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
Andy Borowitz
#6. What are you giving him?"
Nicola Vileroy tilted her head ... " Something to mesmerize and delight him. Something absolutely ethereal that would capture his imagination and not let go. "
"Ooh, Nintendo, how lovely!
Daniel Nayeri
#7. That's the best advice I can give - when you're trying to write a comedy, first write a drama, and then make it funny.
Jason Segel
#8. It's funny: when you're skating around during warm-ups, I'll see signs that say things like: 'Kane, Prom?' We have a fun, young team, and girls are asking you to the prom and giving you their numbers.
Patrick Kane
#9. You know, I've just always been sort of goofy and kind of gone with it. I actually usually work more in drama, but I have been floating back and forth with comedy, and somehow they keep giving me jobs in comedy, so I guess there's something funny about me.
Zachary Knighton
#10. Accents are funny. It sets me apart from the other girls doing comedy. It gives me more - how do you say? - pop-oo-laaarrrity.
Sofia Vergara
#11. Whenever he looks at me with those big brown eyes, I feel like giving him a nut, she said. She even started calling the squirrels running around in the park Mr. Whitmans.
Kerstin Gier
#12. Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all.
Jimmy Fallon
#13. Funny thing is, until I met you all I wanted to do was to get as far away from here as I could. Kind of ironic, isn't it? Can't get much farther away than where Im going, and now I'd give anything to stay.
Kami Garcia
#14. Spandex bodysuits, huh?" His eyes twinkled. "If that's what turns you on - I'm all for giving it a try.
J.C. Reed
#15. No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea ... you never get that tea.
Jimmy Carr
#16. Cure the evils of Democracy by the evils of Fascism! Funny therapeutics! I've heard of their curing syphilis by giving the patient malaria, but I've never heard of their curing malaria by giving the patient syphilis.
Sinclair Lewis
#17. He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light.
Yogi Berra
#18. One of the lambs fixed its attention on Jared. "Baa," it flirted.
"Boo," said Jared.
"Oh my God, Jared. Don't tough-talk the lambs."
"It was giving me a funny look.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#19. Funny how his two special abilities - taking and giving life - were so opposite, but only the "good" one came with pain. He supposed it made sense; life fucking hurt.
Larissa Ione
#20. When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
Sarah Silverman
#21. On the best tactic when playing alongside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- Just give him the ball.
Magic Johnson
#22. What I didn't realize is that the writing process for comedies is that you do your table read, and if you aren't funny on that first day during the table read, they take your jokes away and give them to somebody else.
David Morse
#23. So if you see a star and he needs a little money So come on baby give it to him this isn't funny! Just reach into your pocket, and pull out some change, Come on baby help a star it's not strange!
Brad Sherwood
#24. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.
Dave Barry
#25. It's very difficult once you've been on telly because people know what you do. They give you a little bit of grace but then they're harsher if you're not funny, so you have to be funny.
Noel Fielding
#26. If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ...
Ron White
#27. Though the funny thing about never being asked for anything is that after a while you start to feel like maybe you don't have anything worth giving.
Lev Grossman
#28. And it was funny, that they call it falling, because that was what it was. The ground giving up underneath you. The surge of air. He did not stand a chance.
Bill Cheng
#29. Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.
Bauvard
#31. I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
Steven Wright
#32. Living with computers gives funny ideas.
Wim Crouwel
#33. There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
Dave Attell
#34. When someone says, "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I want done," give him a lollipop.
Alan Perlis
#35. Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.
Don Herold
#36. Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred, then a thousand more.
Catullus
#37. I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
Tallulah Bankhead
#38. I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.
Janeane Garofalo
#39. Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
Ellen DeGeneres
#40. I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
Emo Philips
#41. Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.
Kristen Schaal
#42. And all I know is, you've got to give me everything. Nothing less 'cause, you know I give you all of me.
Gwen Stefani
#43. I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs.
Barbara Woodhouse
#44. Don't try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.
Franklyn Ajaye
#45. Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you're going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.
S.J Perelman
#46. Therefore, you might end up, like be dead, with still having that notion of 'not giving up' in your mind.
Jay Mark D. Saga-ad
#47. My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
Ron Richards
#48. So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America ... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
Chris Rock
#49. But love had a funny way of giving you faith in the one who loved you back. And nothing was guaranteed in life, neither riches nor health. At the end of the day, you just had to let yourself go ... and the best place to land was in the arms of a good man.
J.R. Ward
#50. There are really cool or funny videos, or visually stunning photos, and that's fine, but none of them really give you more when you close that tab, you know? I try to find stuff that a little bit, in a tiny way changes how you see something about the world.
Maria Popova
#51. Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.
Brian Martinez
#52. Posting dramatic charts or funny pictures is good and giving people smart reasons to believe what they already think is great.
Derek Thompson
#53. Mr. and Mrs. Boffin sat staring at mid-air, and Mrs. Wilfer sat silently giving them to understand that every breath she drew required to be drawn with a self-denial rarely paralleled in history.
Charles Dickens
#54. Now I usually try not to give advice. Information, yes, advice, no. But, what has worked for me may not work for you. Well, take for instance what has worked for me. Wigs. Tight clothes. Push-up bras.
Dolly Parton
#55. No, no, no! I am not giving birth backstage at a rock concert. I need to be in a hospital, pumped full of every drug that they can legally give me!
I was so shocked, my only repsonse was,
'Well, he was conceived backstage at a concert, so it's sort of fitting for him to be born at one.
S.C. Stephens
#56. You can't make someone love you, all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in
Caleb Followill
#57. A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.
Frankie Boyle
#58. Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. I'm not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.
Mark A. Cooper
#59. I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"
Jim Gaffigan
#60. The bottom half of the page had descended into a doodle of a tiny man giving the middle finger to a giant, angry eagle with razor-sharp talons. Beneath it, the caption: To Mock a Killing Bird.
Seth Grahame-Smith
#61. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
#62. Female Chauvinist Pigs is smart, alarming, and extremely funny. With nuance and humor, Levy has written both a convincing expos of sex and desire in contemporary America and an important cultural history. I'm giving a copy to my mother. And my sons.
Cathleen Schine
#63. I flipped the good doctor the bird.
Snorting, Gideon caught my hand and pulled me back down the hall.
"What is it with you and giving people the finger?"
"What? It's a classic.
Sylvia Day
#64. They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."
Jim Gaffigan
#65. Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
Adam Carolla
#66. Love doesn't drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.
Helen Gurley Brown
#67. Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.
William J. Clinton
#68. A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.
Conan O'Brien
#69. I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real." -Gregori
"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?
Kerrelyn Sparks
#71. If this prinicpal thinks blogging isn't educational, he needs his head examined: he should be seeking out every student blogger in the school and giving them special time to blog more - and giving them extra credit besides.
Cory Doctorow
#72. But I also happen to be someone who believes in tithing
the giving of a tenth .
Ronald Reagan
#73. So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
Tim Vine
#74. People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
Elayne Boosler
#75. You cannot expect a man to love you, but not because of your body or physical construction. It is like giving a man the option between choosing you and a monkey.
M.F. Moonzajer
#76. Tod crossed his arms over his snug white T-shirt, silently giving me the floor. Fortunately, I was prepared.
"Sabine ambushed me in the hall this morning and gave me a lecture on sex."
Tod's brow's rose halfway to his hairline.
"I hope you took notes ...
Rachel Vincent
#77. Friends are what God gives you to make up for your family.
Bruce White
#78. High school is life's way of giving you a record low to judge the rest of your life by. I know this because no matter how shitty it got, I could always look back and say, "At least I don't have my arm stuck up a cow's vagina." In fact, that's kind of become my life's motto.
Jenny Lawson
#79. It's a funny word, persistence. It means not giving up, but it also means just passing on through time.
Questlove
#80. The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.
Bob Hope
#81. If you give the audience what they expect, they'll be bored. There are no rules: You do what you want while respecting the boundaries. You don't poke people in the eye; you do things they haven't seen before and make it accessible, funny and clever.
Matthew Vaughn
#82. A lot of people can be very scared about making themselves vulnerable and appearing uncool. I don't really give a damn; as long as it's funny, I'll do it [make fun of myself].
Steve Coogan
#83. Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are? By his words you'd think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I'm off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he'd be like, oh no please don't do that. In
reality, he'd have to kill me.
L. H. Cosway
#84. If you're driving your car and someone winds the window down and gives you the finger and calls you an asshole, instead of giving him the finger back and calling him an asshole back, you just pull a funny face, and he doesn't know how to react to that, because you're using different rules.
Steve Coogan
#85. Life has a funny way of giving us answers when we haven't even asked the questions.
Jennifer Olds
#86. Funny how often something she'd been so certain she needed turned out not to be a need at all, but a want
when the real 'need' was something else entirely. Something that could only be gained by giving, not by getting.
Tamera Alexander
#87. I have always been told that I was a funny, entertaining person and have always been told to give comedy a try.
Gabriel Iglesias
#88. Cynicism can be funny. But it's the easy way. You'll forget to enjoy anything. I try to make the evolving choice, the forward-moving, life-giving choice. Just keep living, man.
Matthew McConaughey
#89. If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up.
Shia Labeouf
#90. It is funny, I don't feel old enough to give advice ... But with the advisers you trust, you better listen to them. It may be bad news but that's the only way you're going to improve.
Ben Heppner
#91. Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang.
Amit Kalantri
#92. I don't think that [Hillary Clinton] can turn around her honesty and trustworthiness problems with one speech, but she could present herself tonight as more relatable, give people a glimpse of that warm, funny woman the people who meet her in small groups and one-on-one say that she is.
Tamara Keith
#93. And I figured you'd drive a four-hour round-trip before giving up your car to someone else
Richelle Mead
#94. Some of the writers I admire who seem very, very funny and very emotional to me can develop a closeness with the reader without giving too much of themselves away. Lorrie Moore comes to mind, as does David Sedaris. When they write, the reader thinks that they're being trusted as a friend.
Sloane Crosley
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