Andy Borowitz Quotes

#1. If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

Andy Borowitz

#2. There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.

Andy Borowitz

#3. Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

Andy Borowitz

#4. Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

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#5. The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.

Andy Borowitz

#6. It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

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#7. A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

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#8. Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

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#9. Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

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#10. Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

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#11. Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

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#12. Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

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#13. John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

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#14. We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

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#15. Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

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#16. Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

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#17. Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

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#18. Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

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#19. All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

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#20. Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

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#21. The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

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#22. As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

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#23. Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

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#24. A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.

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#25. I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

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#26. Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

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#27. To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

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#28. Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

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#29. Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

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#30. Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

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#31. US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

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#32. On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

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#33. White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.

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#34. Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.

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#35. Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Andy Borowitz

#36. As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Andy Borowitz

#37. Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

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#38. Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

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#39. Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

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#40. Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

Andy Borowitz

#41. If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

Andy Borowitz

#42. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

#43. Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Andy Borowitz

#44. Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

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#45. The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

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#46. Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

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#47. I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.

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#48. The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

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#49. You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

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#50. Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.

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#51. The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

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#52. Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

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#53. It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.

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#54. If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

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#55. NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

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