Ron White Quotes

#1. When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

Ron White

#2. I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

Ron White

#3. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

Ron White

#4. I didn't want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.

Ron White

#5. I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

Ron White

#6. I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

#7. I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

Ron White

#8. I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

Ron White

#9. I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

Ron White

#10. I don't do any corporate work.

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#11. I don't even plan things until later, so no I got no plans.

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#12. Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ... I did not know that about myself.

Ron White

#13. Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy's interior designer when we first met. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even.

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#14. You can't ride home on a bowl of goat.

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#15. But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

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#16. Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

Ron White

#17. We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!

Ron White

#18. I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

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#19. I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

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#20. Everybody I know is a joke writer.

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#21. I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

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#22. My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

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#23. Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25 inch color television?

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#24. It's something that's really fun to do. It's a family business.

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#25. You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

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#26. You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.

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#27. I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

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#28. You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

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#29. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty ... mine's putting in an express lane.

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#30. My goal is just to become a better comedian.

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#31. I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.

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#32. The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

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#33. I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

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#34. From the very beginning I started with a beer and a cigarette because I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. So usually I have a beer and cigarette and that's what I was doing with my hands because that looked natural and felt good.

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#35. When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

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#36. If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature ... that's what takes a long time to learn.

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#37. I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

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#38. People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

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#39. Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block digs cheetos.

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#40. I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.

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#41. I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

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#42. In my Comedy Club sets, I just work on what is fresh and try to build that show as long as I can. I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff.

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#43. The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

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#44. I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

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#45. If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.

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#46. I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

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#47. I had the right to remain silent ... but I didn't have the ability.

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#48. There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

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#49. You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

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#50. I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

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#51. There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

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#52. Diamonds - that'll shut her up ... for a minute!

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#53. The next time you have a thought ... let it go.

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#54. There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

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#55. The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

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#56. In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

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#57. Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks

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#58. I have had a front row seat to observe Darren's success over the last few years and never fully knew the keys to his achievement. He has unselfishly revealed his secrets with The Compound Effect so that others can learn from his success. In my eyes, it is more valuable than gold!

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#59. I quit smoking cigarettes and with the $70 a month I am saving not smoking cigarettes I'm smoking $700 worth of cigars.

Ron White

#60. They call me Tater Salad

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#61. If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ...

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#62. There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

Ron White