Bob Hope Quotes

#1. The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

Bob Hope

#2. I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Bob Hope

#3. Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me.

Bob Hope

#4. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

#5. You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

Bob Hope

#6. As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob ... if you can see it, it's obsolete."

Bob Hope

#7. Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

Bob Hope

#8. people who throw kisses are helplessly lazy

Bob Hope

#9. You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

Bob Hope

#10. I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

Bob Hope

#11. I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.

Bob Hope

#12. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Bob Hope

#13. Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Bob Hope

#14. The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

Bob Hope

#15. All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

Bob Hope

#16. She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

Bob Hope

#17. I made so many B pictures I began to get fan mail from hornets...and for me that was an improvement.

Bob Hope

#18. Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.

Bob Hope

#19. I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Bob Hope

#20. I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

Bob Hope

#21. We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

Bob Hope

#22. I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

Bob Hope

#23. Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

Bob Hope

#24. The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

Bob Hope

#25. Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself
the Bank of America.

Bob Hope

#26. The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

Bob Hope

#27. Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency.

Bob Hope

#28. Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent ... he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Bob Hope

#29. Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.

Bob Hope

#30. When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

Bob Hope

#31. People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Bob Hope

#32. It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.

Bob Hope

#33. I can't give up Golf, I've got too many sweaters.

Bob Hope

#34. Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.

Bob Hope

#35. A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

Bob Hope

#36. English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie ... in the shower.

Bob Hope

#37. I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

Bob Hope

#38. YOU CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME SO CONCENTRATE ON IT.

Bob Hope

#39. In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

Bob Hope

#40. Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it's also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

Bob Hope

#41. Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

Bob Hope

#42. Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

Bob Hope

#43. For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

Bob Hope

#44. Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them.

Bob Hope

#45. I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

Bob Hope

#46. We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

Bob Hope

#47. Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

Bob Hope

#48. I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.

Bob Hope

#49. The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

Bob Hope

#50. I can still chase women, only downhill

Bob Hope

#51. I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

Bob Hope

#52. You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

Bob Hope

#53. Lots of travel, away from home.

Bob Hope

#54. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

Bob Hope

#55. I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

Bob Hope

#56. My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

Bob Hope

#57. If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Bob Hope

#58. You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

Bob Hope

#59. Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

Bob Hope

#60. Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

Bob Hope

#61. Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

Bob Hope

#62. My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

Bob Hope

#63. Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

Bob Hope

#64. I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.

Bob Hope

#65. I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Bob Hope

#66. England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

Bob Hope

#67. It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.

Bob Hope

#68. Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!

Bob Hope

#69. To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two.

Bob Hope

#70. It flies so high, I swear I heard the organs playing.

Bob Hope

#71. Celebrities have a way of touching our lives. Perhaps we are influenced by their screen image, or perhaps by their acquired status. Here are some celebrity quotes about Christmas. You will find that just like everybody else, celebrities also enjoy the little pleasures of Christmas.

Bob Hope

#72. I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.

Bob Hope

#73. President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.

Bob Hope

#74. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Bob Hope

#75. I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.

Bob Hope

#76. My folks were English ... we were too poor to be British.

Bob Hope

#77. Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.

Bob Hope

#78. No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

Bob Hope

#79. He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England

Bob Hope

#80. That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.

Bob Hope

#81. Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I've never heard of a clean one.

Bob Hope

#82. If my golf game was a prize fight, they'd stop it.

Bob Hope

#83. I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Bob Hope

#84. I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

Bob Hope

#85. Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes. The only troulbe is that when I win, I always have to engage and attorney before I can draw the money.

Bob Hope

#86. It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded.

Bob Hope

#87. My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.

Bob Hope

#88. Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.

Bob Hope

#89. It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

Bob Hope

#90. We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

Bob Hope

#91. Rock and roll is catching on all over ... France ... England ... They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

Bob Hope

#92. Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

Bob Hope

#93. I'm from Los Angeles ... I don't trust any air I can't see.

Bob Hope

#94. I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

Bob Hope

#95. I have too much money invested in sweaters.

Bob Hope

#96. US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!

Bob Hope

#97. Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

Bob Hope

#98. Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

Bob Hope

#99. I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, 'What do I do next?' Pat replied, 'Wait till the pain dies down.'

Bob Hope

#100. Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.

Bob Hope