Top 100 Sleep Humor Quotes
#1. Zane looked down at him and yanked away the pillow and then all the covers. "Ty, I mean it. Do not go to sleep," he said firmly.
"Nap nazi," Ty accused miserably.
Abigail Roux
#2. My eyelids felt like had tiny but chubby sleep faeries hanging on the lashes and pulling them closed
John Corwin
#3. I was never going to get any sleep. I was going to have Alice in Wonderland conversation after Alice in Wonderland conversation until I died of exhaustion. Here, in the restful, idyllic Victorian era.
Connie Willis
#4. Finding a life partner is like choosing a bed. You need one as a friend either in times of health or sickness. Freshness or weariness. Happiness or sadness. And we can be certain that we've picked the right one without having to sleep with it first.
Isman H. Suryaman
#5. Are you always so cynical?' said Angelica.
'No,' said Katherine. 'Sometimes I'm asleep.
Sam Byers
#6. Names I am most commonly called by telemarketers: Simone, Slain, Siobhan, Flo, Stacey, Susan, Slater, Leanne, and Slow (Yes, my parents named me "Slow". That's because they hate me and made me sleep in the linen closet subsisting only on bath salts and Scope).
Sloane Crosley
#7. Now, I was a fan of the simple pleasures in life: grilled cheese sandwiches without black flecks on the crust, jeans that didn't pinch the better parts of me, an inch of vodka, ten to twelve hours of sleep. - Cole St Clair, Forever.
Maggie Stiefvater
#8. Rest. Heal. Sleep. I shall most likely kill you on the morrow."
"You? A Princess Bride quote?" I croaked.
"What is that?" she asked.
Jim Butcher
#9. I dislike the idea of a murderer employing children,' said Holmes darkly. 'It is, I agree, bad for their morals, and interferes with their sleep.' 'And their schooling,' added Holmes sententiously.
Laurie R. King
#10. I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
Rita Rudner
#11. Good plan," Freddy was saying. "Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething.
Ali Sparkes
#12. We keep electing council members for appearance sake, it doesn't mean anything, and it is just a show for the people, so that they may sleep well at night with their delusion of peace.
S.R. Gibbs
#13. I had a dream about you last night ... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.
Amy Summers
#14. Toilet paper unrolled and slithered
then wrapped around my tummy.
That paper tried to roll me up
into an Egyptian mummy.
Melinda K. Trotter
#15. My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and occupy myself as best I can.
Cary Grant
#17. I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.
Dora J. Arod
#18. You'd tell the world what your best friend wore to sleep if you thought it made a good enough story.
Patricia Briggs
#19. I haven't slept with him, Mom." I whispered, lying through my teeth. I just didn't want to discuss my sex life with her. She would probably critique my oral skills or something.
"I should have known. You don't sleep with anybody. That's why you can't keep a man.
L.D. Davis
#20. He was just drifting off to sleep when it occurred to him that perhaps the dog was not so ordinary after all. Perhaps he was someone the ogre had changed, and Ivo was going to spend the night hugging a headmaster or a tax inspector
Eva Ibbotson
#21. If you'd told em you killed a blind gramma, they'd have stayed to eat the pizza and cake. Free is free.
Stephen King
#22. I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.
Dora J. Arod
#23. On their sofas of spice and feathers, the concubines also slept fretfully. In those days the Earth was still flat, and people dreamed often of falling over edges.
Tom Robbins
#24. Am I on your walk of shame? You did sleep with the right MacGregor, didn't you?
Michelle M. Pillow
#25. Since Stark had come back from the Otherworld, he'd been too weak and out of it to do much more than eat, sleep, and play computer games with Seoras, which was actually a super weird sight, it was like high school meets Braveheart meets Call of Duty.
P.C. Cast
#26. No man is greater than his respect for sleep.
Ogden Nash
#27. The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face.
Stephen Fry
#28. I had a dream about you last night ... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.
Amy Summers
#29. After that I went home and Sally put what was left of me to bed; next day, being a Christian family, we saluted the happy morn with the Hell and Hades of a row because I wouldn't get up and go to early service, my sister being quite determined that even if I didn't get up. I shouldn't sleep.
Dion Fortune
#30. I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.
George Grossmith
#31. Bad kitty!" he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. "Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!"
-Razor
Julie Kagawa
#32. I wasn't born an early bird.
It took three different alarms clocks blasting in my ear every morning to wake me up. And on special occasions when I'd sleep through the bird caws, beeping, and extreme drum solos, Stella would have the privilege of yanking me from my bed.
Joddie Zeng
#33. My voice mail message says I work nights and sleep days. Everyone who knows me, knows this. And still, people who aren't employed at the Nursing Office feel compelled to call me before three P.M. Certain people feel compelled to call me repeatedly, until I pick up - namely, dicks.
Cassie Alexander
#34. Mom's eyes blazed. "Are you sleeping with her?"
Oh, god. Did we have to do this here? Now? "Well, actually," I smirked, "we don't get a lot of sleep.
Julie Anne Peters
#35. Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.
Garrison Keillor
#36. Then all was quiet save only for the low voices of those that talked together, ... , and saving, also, for the mellow snoring of Friar Tuck, who enjoyed his sleep with a noise as of one sawing soft wood very slowly.
Howard Pyle
#37. Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
Chic Murray
#38. From the opening lines, Sleeping with Schubert is a hilarious, whimsical romp through the looking glass of a great musical mystery. The writing snaps, crackles, and pops with humor as Bonnie Marson makes Schubert a sexy, happening kind of guy who gives new meaning to our dreaming the impossible.
Jonis Agee
#39. I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on
Josh Stern
#40. Then he kept to the back streets, and found a place that did a very reasonable double sausage, egg, bacon and fried slice, in the hope that food could replace sleep.
Terry Pratchett
#41. Being told when to shit, shower, shave, eat, and sleep isn't my idea of paradise. But then again, Paradise, where i grew up, wasn't paradise either. I'm wondering if paradise is just some word in the dictionary with the definition: this doesn't fucking exist.
Caleb to himself
Simone Elkeles
#43. At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.
Darynda Jones
#44. I sleep on my face, and then it does not frighten anybody in the morning.
Ernest Hemingway,
#45. If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
#46. I am too tired, I must try to rest and sleep, otherwise I am lost in every respect. What an effort to keep alive! Erecting a monument does not require an expenditure of so much strength.
Franz Kafka
#47. Did you sleep well?"
"No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
#48. THREE DAYS AND twelve psychics later, Katie and Jorlan had developed a routine. Morning: jog, visit psychics. Afternoon: work at the Victorian. Evening: talk, watch television. Twilight: sleep apart and fantasize.
Gena Showalter
#49. I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
#51. Before you go,mate,turn on the telly. Something raunchy too. Think I'll rub off one before I go to sleep
Jeaniene Frost
#52. Happiness depends on sound sleep, orderly bowels and regular meals.
Matthew Fort
#53. I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept
similar to Kerrick. It must be a survival tactic. If Allyn hadn't looked so sweet, we would have killed him while he slept. He had been pure evil when he was awake
similar to Kerrick.
Maria V. Snyder
#54. Servants ran to wake the young king, Tamar, already awake and watching from his balcony. Curious, naturally. Not altogether pleased. No more than anyone would be, jolted out of a sound sleep by unexpected elephants.
Lloyd Alexander
#55. I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them.
Michael Summers
#56. Lori sat way back in her chair and gave him the once-over. What in the world's gotten into Ben Lawson? jokes? Flirting? Maybe I should sleep with Molly. I think she's got a magic hooha.
Victoria Dahl
#58. I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn't figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren't so different after all.
Dora J. Arod
#59. I don't know why it should be, I am sure; but the sight of another man asleep in bed when I am up, maddens me.
Jerome K. Jerome
#60. I sank into the chair and checked to see if the charge nurse could see me - not if I didn't lean out too far. The night was looking up! Two patients who ought to sleep all night long, and an Internet connection. How lucky was I? Pretty damn lucky, at least until someone needed a diaper change.
Cassie Alexander
#61. Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you'd sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need?
Jayde Scott
#63. All right. And if any of you get hurt I'm going to be really mad. I sleep with a Glock next to my bed so don't think I'm joking. I will shoot you if you don't make sure Gibson gets back here safely
Lauren Dane
#64. Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity!
Tanya Masse
#65. Wow, you're never allowed to sleep late again. You're crankier than a fat guy in stilettos.
Maggie Stiefvater
#66. I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik's artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that's all fake heart and no brain is what's commonly called a "politician," and must be destroyed.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#67. Sometimes being a MOM is like a good
ol' country song! You lose your sleep, you lose your hair, you lose your patience, you lose your energy, you lose your memory AND you lose your SANITY! But you DO IT all for LOVE!
Tanya Masse
#68. I had a dream about you last night ... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.
Amy Summers
#69. I had a dream about you last night.
We moved into a cabin in the countryside.
I couldn't handle the spiders.
You couldn't handle my drama.
I moved back to the city.
Michael Summers
#70. This girl who's slept a hundred years has something after all. It's called Centuryitis, and it has turned me into a man. Oh, what will mamma think when she sees me?!
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#71. If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late
Henny Youngman
#72. In the first years of our lives we learn how to shit, talk, walk, sleep, eat and, most importantly, how to royally piss off our parents.
A.G. Phillips
#73. Gwen: It's not going to work.
Paul: Pardon me?
Gwen: Cinderella's not going to sleep with you because you're taking the ugly stepsister to the ball. She'll still make you wait.
Jo Leigh
#74. My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.
Oscar Wilde
#75. Injun Joe studied the body for a moment, his eyes sad. Then he said, "I'd rather go in my sleep, I think." He glanced back at me. "What about you?"
"I want to be stepped on by an elephant while having sex with identical triplet cheerleaders," I said.
Jim Butcher
#76. I didn't dream about you last night. I woke up in fear.
Michael Summers
#77. I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world's best ventriloquist.
Michael Summers
#78. She wore a fitted white scoop neck shirt under a thin jacket, slim brown pants and tennis shoes. He bet she looked hot in four-inch heels. He wondered how long she'd last in this town, and he decided he wanted to sleep with her before she left.
Tami Lund
#79. Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?
Sloane Crosley
#80. I had a dream about you last night ... I was a brick and you were a blanket. Damn that improbability drive.
Nicole McKay
#81. I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
Mitch Hedberg
#82. Celaena?" Sam asked into the dark. "Should I worry about going to sleep?"
She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously.
Sarah J. Maas
#83. I don't understand how I can always want to sleep, hate waking up, and yet be afraid of death.
Mike Heil
#84. Dad, is she serious?"
John shrugged. "I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she doesn't feed me. So i dont argue with your mama.
Molly McAdams
#85. I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
Michael Summers
#86. You'll think of me every time you go to bed. Then you'll get hard and you'll have no one to help you and you'll never be able to sleep unless you-" She grinned that wicked grin Tyrion liked so well. "-is that why they call it the Tower of the Hand, m'lord?
George R R Martin
#87. For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.
Jim Gaffigan
#88. Sleep with Seth Mortensen? Good grief. It was the most preposterous thing I'd ever heard. It was appalling. If I absorbed his life force, there was no telling how long it'd be until his next book came out.
Richelle Mead
#89. I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I'm very well endowed.
Bauvard
#90. I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead
Michael Summers
#91. I like pancakes! And I have a gun. I shoot bad guys with it. Sometimes, bad guys go to sleep and don't wake up. That makes Harley sad.
Stephen Jenner
#92. Get some sleep, Secretary General, get some sleep. Revolution can wait till the morning.
Mohammed Hanif
#93. The right hand doesn't know what the left is doing is a phrase that refers to times when people ought to know, but don't know, about something that is happening very close to them. For instance, you ought to know about the man who watches you when you sleep.
Lemony Snicket
#94. 7 hour sleep diet worked great. Will power held beautifully.
Steve Martin
#95. I have never been much at nonverbal communication. Additionally, I don't have much of an attention span, and what I lack in patience I make up for in ambivalence and an inability to sleep.
Carrie Fisher
#96. Boy needs to get a good night's sleep. Otherwise, he'll be lucky to get accepted at SUNY-So Far Upstate You Might As Well Be In Canada, eh?
Rachel Cohn
#97. Food," I suggested. "Sleep. That's what I need. To get the hell away from here."
Cole frowned at me, as if I'd suggested "ducks" and "yoga".
Maggie Stiefvater
#98. Even bipolar vampires needed sleep from time to time, and he was well past his recommended safe dosage of stress.
Rachel Caine
#99. Then she tried to bore herself to sleep by thinking about things like yogurt and the structure of a gas pedal.
Jessica Park
#100. I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
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