Top 81 Quotes About Masturbate
#1. If I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties.
Amy Poehler
#2. Never try to be funny right before people are about to masturbate.
Greg Walloch
#3. Fanatics always seem to have the same scrubbed and staring look about them. They have the look of people who do not masturbate, but who think about it almost all the time.
Gregory David Roberts
#4. Don't castrate,
But educate,
At least to masturbate!
Himmilicious
#5. Your indignant behavior over the slightest perceived gender inequality makes it almost certain that inequality is what you masturbate to at night.
Kitty Thomas
#6. It did look rather nice, actually, though it was hardly something to masturbate about.
Anthony McDonald
#7. You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island.
Ron Jeremy
#9. I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle ... then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
Dave Attell
#10. My ideal life is just lounging around the house and every once in a while I'll kind of write something, and then I'll leave and eat something and masturbate or whatever - just this very fluid life of comforting myself.
Miranda July
#11. Good old Pete. That's me. But I find it hard to think of myself in the first person when I'm writing about The Who. So many times he has willingly sat down to write about the good old Who. Isn't he too old to masturbate?
Pete Townshend
#12. So these are you brothers, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Well, thanks for this. I might need to go home and masturbate for the rest of the evening."
"You know, if a guy said that, it would be super creepy."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Poodle. Does the sexual double standard make you grumpy?
Christina Lauren
#13. If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
#14. Cornflakes was mainly build because of the reason masturbating. The creator thought that if you eat healty food you won't masturbate... is he right?
Deyth Banger
#15. Fanatics have the look of people who do not masturbate but who think about it almost all time.
Gregory David Roberts
#16. Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night?
Kresley Cole
#17. We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.
Joycelyn Elders
#18. Drive the women from the bed just as you drove them from the choir; a eunuch sings in Rome, and the priests masturbate.
Franz Grillparzer
#19. The earlier you learn to masturbate, the better your sex life will be.
Kim Cattrall
#20. When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.
Greg Giraldo
#21. (If I looked like you, Debra, I'd masturbate all the time
Jess Walter
#22. I couldn't even masturbate without fearing I'd cry out his name and scare the damn dog.
Karina Halle
#23. I rerent Body Double because I want to watch it again tonight even though I know I won't have enough time to masturbate over the scene where the woman is getting drilled to death by a power drill since
Bret Easton Ellis
#24. Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
Dave Barry
#25. Love is what makes sex more than masturbation. If there is no love even if you are really with a partner you masturbate with a partner.
Slavoj Zizek
#26. Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
Dana Gould
#27. I want to watch it again tonight even though I know I won't have enough time to masturbate over the scene where the woman is getting drilled to death by a power drill since I have a date with Courtney at seven-thirty at Cafe Luxembourg.
Bret Easton Ellis
#28. We all do it (or I used to-yes, once in a while, Franklin, what did you think?), we all know we all do it, but it isn't customary to say, Honey, could you keep an eye on the spaghetti sauce, because I'm going to go masturbate.
Lionel Shriver
#29. If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.
George Carlin
#30. Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?
Robert Clark
#31. I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.
Jon Stewart
#32. I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Rodney Dangerfield
#33. Ultimately, of what possible social significance is it if a person likes to masturbate over a shoe? It may even be non-consensual, but since we do not ask permission of our shoes to wear them, it hardly seems necessary to obtain dispensation to come on them.
Gayle Rubin
#34. Problem was, he couldn't masturbate his sexual desires away because he'd fry off his cock. Hector
Gena Showalter
#35. What do you know?" I wonder, pulling Daisy's sweaty hair out of her face. Ryke gives me a solid glare. "You masturbate too much.
Krista Ritchie
#36. That's all anyone has, and it's always brief, although, of course, some people believe they have a past where they can accumulate things and a future where they will accumulate still more. By the way, speaking of the present moment, do you masturbate a lot?
Paulo Coelho
#37. If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.
Diogenes
#38. Wrap the turkey up in aluminum foil, my brother like to masturbate with baby oil.
Adam Sandler
#39. They had talked about doing audio man on man fiction at one time, but they realized that neither of them would be able to create a complete CD without running home to masturbate every hour or two.
Brandon Shire
#40. The truth is that, after 30 years old, men still masturbate. There are still sexual problems that arise for guys.
Jason Biggs
#41. And if God hadn't wanted us to masturbate, then God wouldn't have given us thumbs. So I thank God for my thumbs.
Sherman Alexie
#42. I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.
Bo Burnham
#43. You just sit home and masturbate. The phone is going to ring soon, but you just can't wait.
Billy Joel
#44. The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust.
Christine O'Donnell
#45. There is no need to masturbate your brain, just to ejaculate your thoughts all over the place
Carroll Bryant
#46. I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think ... is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?
Frankie Boyle
#47. Unlike the millions who casually masturbate in solitude while looking at girlie pictures in Playboy and similar magazines, the massage man preferred an accomplice, an attendant lady of respectable appearance who would help him reduce the guilt and loneliness of this most lonely act of love.
Gay Talese
#48. If you must masturbate, you have already failed
Josh Becker
#49. Please do not masturbate while I do your feet. I cannot take another moaning horny white woman this week.
Avery Aster
#50. I would cook it, and look at the pictures and masturbate.
Jeffrey Dahmer
#51. Look. This has been ... fun." Lie. This had been nerve-racking and I needed to go masturbate. "But I have to go. I've got stuff to do before I head out again." Masturbate. "Wizard stuff. Like ... secret wizard stuff." Masturbate.
T.J. Klune
#52. When you were little and you were afraid of the boogey man, getting under the covers meant he couldn't see you or grab your foot while you were sleeping. True story. I figured the same rules applied with dead people watching you masturbate.
Tara Sivec
#53. One man told me that literacy made it a lot more fun for him to masturbate.
Kurt Vonnegut
#54. If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.
Dennis Miller
#55. I want to make a movie that has enough impact that it's going to do what it needs to do. But I don't want to make a film that serial killers masturbate to.
David Fincher
#56. Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
Madonna Ciccone
#57. The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
Greg Giraldo
#58. He looked as shocked as if I'd asked him to masturbate in front of me.
Dia Reeves
#59. I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.
Dave Matthes
#60. It was one of those days when every time I went to go out the door, something grabbed me in the back of the brain and said, lie down and masturbate one more time.
Jonathan Ames
#61. But life is too short to masturbate silently,
Asa Akira
#62. It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.
Dave Attell
#63. I betcha masturbate while reading your books. He started imitating a woman's voice. "Oh fuck me harder, Flabio, oh yes, oh no, but we shouldn't , you're too big and I'm a virgin, but oh, you fit so right, but we still mustn't, we're not married, but oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, YES! ~ Dante
Marita A. Hansen
#64. Sure, I may need to take breaks between questions to masturbate, but at least I'll get it done.
Kenya Wright
#65. The biggest problem is that stress is above my life, as much I have more stress as more masturbate commmands me. I see it's pointless, it loses time, it's useless and so on and so on... but some how it's difficult to stop it!
Deyth Banger
#67. Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee Operation Masturbate.
Jon Stewart
#68. If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?
Dana Gould
#69. The sex was good in itself, but when it was over it was over. It left me feeling abandoned. I'd sooner masturbate, at least when it's over you don't walk away from yourself.
Fabian Black
#72. I was forced to masturbate in front
of teammates
David Beckham
#73. There was a time in our very recent history when it was "interesting" to be a Star Wars fan. It was sort of like admitting you masturbate twice a day or that your favorite band was They Might Be Giants. Star Wars was something everyone of a certain age secretly loved but never openly recognized
Chuck Klosterman
#74. Only a determined and resourceful scholar could establish manuscript precedence - but in the race to masturbate on a printed page Proust definitely came first.
Michael Foley
#75. I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.
Louis C.K.
#76. How miraculous it was, noted Diogenes, that whenever one felt that sort of urge, one could readily masturbate. But conversely how disheartening that one could not simply rub one's stomach when hungry.
David Markson
#77. Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes 'say masturbate, it'll be hilarious'.
Anna Kendrick
#78. I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
Dave Attell
#79. If you masturbate, would that make you an incubator?
I eyed him sideways, struggling not to laugh at his nonplussed expression or the sharp bark of mock outrage that followed.
Allison Pang
#80. I hate it when people take so long to drink a single glass. IT is like putting on a condom to masturbate.
Gregory David Roberts
#81. But the future is uncertain, and he can't get up enough enthusiasm even to masurbate.
M.R. Carey
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