Quotes About Masturbate

#1. It was one of those days when every time I went to go out the door, something grabbed me in the back of the brain and said, lie down and masturbate one more time.

Jonathan Ames

#2. I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

Jon Stewart

#3. I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said.

Dave Matthes

#4. He looked as shocked as if I'd asked him to masturbate in front of me.

Dia Reeves

#5. The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

Greg Giraldo

#6. Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.

Madonna Ciccone

#7. I want to make a movie that has enough impact that it's going to do what it needs to do. But I don't want to make a film that serial killers masturbate to.

David Fincher

#8. If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Dennis Miller

#9. One man told me that literacy made it a lot more fun for him to masturbate.

Kurt Vonnegut

#10. When you were little and you were afraid of the boogey man, getting under the covers meant he couldn't see you or grab your foot while you were sleeping. True story. I figured the same rules applied with dead people watching you masturbate.

Tara Sivec

#11. And if God hadn't wanted us to masturbate, then God wouldn't have given us thumbs. So I thank God for my thumbs.

Sherman Alexie

#12. I would cook it, and look at the pictures and masturbate.

Jeffrey Dahmer

#13. Please do not masturbate while I do your feet. I cannot take another moaning horny white woman this week.

Avery Aster

#14. If you must masturbate, you have already failed

Josh Becker

#15. Unlike the millions who casually masturbate in solitude while looking at girlie pictures in Playboy and similar magazines, the massage man preferred an accomplice, an attendant lady of respectable appearance who would help him reduce the guilt and loneliness of this most lonely act of love.

Gay Talese

#16. I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think ... is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

Frankie Boyle

#17. There is no need to masturbate your brain, just to ejaculate your thoughts all over the place

Carroll Bryant

#18. The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust.

Christine O'Donnell

#19. You just sit home and masturbate. The phone is going to ring soon, but you just can't wait.

Billy Joel

#20. I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

Bo Burnham

#21. I hate it when people take so long to drink a single glass. IT is like putting on a condom to masturbate.

Gregory David Roberts

#22. But life is too short to masturbate silently,

Asa Akira

#23. If you masturbate, would that make you an incubator?
I eyed him sideways, struggling not to laugh at his nonplussed expression or the sharp bark of mock outrage that followed.

Allison Pang

#24. I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

Dave Attell

#25. Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes 'say masturbate, it'll be hilarious'.

Anna Kendrick

#26. How miraculous it was, noted Diogenes, that whenever one felt that sort of urge, one could readily masturbate. But conversely how disheartening that one could not simply rub one's stomach when hungry.

David Markson

#27. I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

Louis C.K.

#28. Only a determined and resourceful scholar could establish manuscript precedence - but in the race to masturbate on a printed page Proust definitely came first.

Michael Foley

#29. There was a time in our very recent history when it was "interesting" to be a Star Wars fan. It was sort of like admitting you masturbate twice a day or that your favorite band was They Might Be Giants. Star Wars was something everyone of a certain age secretly loved but never openly recognized

Chuck Klosterman

#30. I was forced to masturbate in front
of teammates

David Beckham

#31. Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#32. My humor is so dirty I could masturbate to it.

Aleksandra Ninkovic

#33. The sex was good in itself, but when it was over it was over. It left me feeling abandoned. I'd sooner masturbate, at least when it's over you don't walk away from yourself.

Fabian Black

#34. If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

Dana Gould

#35. Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee Operation Masturbate.

Jon Stewart

#36. To masturbate is to imagine: physically.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

#37. The biggest problem is that stress is above my life, as much I have more stress as more masturbate commmands me. I see it's pointless, it loses time, it's useless and so on and so on... but some how it's difficult to stop it!

Deyth Banger

#38. Sure, I may need to take breaks between questions to masturbate, but at least I'll get it done.

Kenya Wright

#39. I betcha masturbate while reading your books. He started imitating a woman's voice. "Oh fuck me harder, Flabio, oh yes, oh no, but we shouldn't , you're too big and I'm a virgin, but oh, you fit so right, but we still mustn't, we're not married, but oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, YES! ~ Dante

Marita A. Hansen

#40. Look. This has been ... fun." Lie. This had been nerve-racking and I needed to go masturbate. "But I have to go. I've got stuff to do before I head out again." Masturbate. "Wizard stuff. Like ... secret wizard stuff." Masturbate.

T.J. Klune

#41. It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

Dave Attell

#42. When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

Greg Giraldo

#43. The earlier you learn to masturbate, the better your sex life will be.

Kim Cattrall

#44. Drive the women from the bed just as you drove them from the choir; a eunuch sings in Rome, and the priests masturbate.

Franz Grillparzer

#45. We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.

Joycelyn Elders

#46. Aww, did we masturbate through the tears last night?

Kresley Cole

#47. Fanatics have the look of people who do not masturbate but who think about it almost all time.

Gregory David Roberts

#48. Cornflakes was mainly build because of the reason masturbating. The creator thought that if you eat healty food you won't masturbate... is he right?

Deyth Banger

#49. If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

George Carlin

#50. So these are you brothers, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Well, thanks for this. I might need to go home and masturbate for the rest of the evening."
"You know, if a guy said that, it would be super creepy."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Poodle. Does the sexual double standard make you grumpy?

Christina Lauren

#51. If I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties.

Amy Poehler

#52. My ideal life is just lounging around the house and every once in a while I'll kind of write something, and then I'll leave and eat something and masturbate or whatever - just this very fluid life of comforting myself.

Miranda July

#53. I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle ... then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

Dave Attell

#54. DO YOU want me to masturbate you?

Paulo Coelho

#55. You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island.

Ron Jeremy

#56. It did look rather nice, actually, though it was hardly something to masturbate about.

Anthony McDonald

#57. Your indignant behavior over the slightest perceived gender inequality makes it almost certain that inequality is what you masturbate to at night.

Kitty Thomas

#58. Don't castrate,
But educate,
At least to masturbate!

Himmilicious

#59. Fanatics always seem to have the same scrubbed and staring look about them. They have the look of people who do not masturbate, but who think about it almost all the time.

Gregory David Roberts

#60. But the future is uncertain, and he can't get up enough enthusiasm even to masurbate.

M.R. Carey

#61. Never try to be funny right before people are about to masturbate.

Greg Walloch

#62. Good old Pete. That's me. But I find it hard to think of myself in the first person when I'm writing about The Who. So many times he has willingly sat down to write about the good old Who. Isn't he too old to masturbate?

Pete Townshend

#63. The truth is that, after 30 years old, men still masturbate. There are still sexual problems that arise for guys.

Jason Biggs

#64. They had talked about doing audio man on man fiction at one time, but they realized that neither of them would be able to create a complete CD without running home to masturbate every hour or two.

Brandon Shire

#65. Wrap the turkey up in aluminum foil, my brother like to masturbate with baby oil.

Adam Sandler

#66. If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.

Diogenes

#67. That's all anyone has, and it's always brief, although, of course, some people believe they have a past where they can accumulate things and a future where they will accumulate still more. By the way, speaking of the present moment, do you masturbate a lot?

Paulo Coelho

#68. What do you know?" I wonder, pulling Daisy's sweaty hair out of her face. Ryke gives me a solid glare. "You masturbate too much.

Krista Ritchie

#69. Problem was, he couldn't masturbate his sexual desires away because he'd fry off his cock. Hector

Gena Showalter

#70. Ultimately, of what possible social significance is it if a person likes to masturbate over a shoe? It may even be non-consensual, but since we do not ask permission of our shoes to wear them, it hardly seems necessary to obtain dispensation to come on them.

Gayle Rubin

#71. I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

Rodney Dangerfield

#72. (If I looked like you, Debra, I'd masturbate all the time

Jess Walter

#73. Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

Robert Clark

#74. If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

George Carlin

#75. We all do it (or I used to-yes, once in a while, Franklin, what did you think?), we all know we all do it, but it isn't customary to say, Honey, could you keep an eye on the spaghetti sauce, because I'm going to go masturbate.

Lionel Shriver

#76. I want to watch it again tonight even though I know I won't have enough time to masturbate over the scene where the woman is getting drilled to death by a power drill since I have a date with Courtney at seven-thirty at Cafe Luxembourg.

Bret Easton Ellis

#77. Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Dana Gould

#78. Love is what makes sex more than masturbation. If there is no love even if you are really with a partner you masturbate with a partner.

Slavoj Zizek

#79. Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

Dave Barry

#80. I rerent Body Double because I want to watch it again tonight even though I know I won't have enough time to masturbate over the scene where the woman is getting drilled to death by a power drill since

Bret Easton Ellis

#81. I couldn't even masturbate without fearing I'd cry out his name and scare the damn dog.

Karina Halle