Top 100 My Humor Quotes
#1. I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor ... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.
Steve Carell
#2. Also, my humor is really dry-witted, Canadian humor, so some people get it and some people don't. I'd be great on "The Office." I would like to be on that show. And, I could see me doing romantic comedy films, and stuff like that.
Tinsel Korey
#3. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
#4. I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. And when I started having kids, that doesn't work with kids. Kids don't understand sarcasm, and they certainly don't understand my humor.
Kurt Fuller
#5. A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off, but I can't help it.
Michael Showalter
#6. A lot of people don't get my humor. My mom calls it dry humor. I think that means "not funny," but it also means I'm the only one who ever knows it's a joke.
Kasie West
#7. My humor is very dry. To me it doesn't make sense.
Ian MacKaye
#8. I like guys who have a plan or a dream. A good sense of humor is also a must. I can be weird with my humor and say things that are random. You need to understand that I'm really goofy and go with it.
Edy Ganem
#9. Part of my humor is the fact that I love coming out of left field. I don't want people to expect what is going to happen next.
Howie Mandel
#10. Left wing, whacko groups like animal rights activists and right-to-lifers were easy targets for my humor. I enjoyed poking fun at these closed-minded groups.
Bill Bernico
#11. You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
Don Rickles
#12. I'm a comedian, and I have my share of anxiety and depression; so do most of my friends. My humor tends to lie in the juxtaposition of extreme lightness - I'm a huge musical-theater fan - and extreme darkness. And so I really like playing with those because that's how I feel.
Rachel Bloom
#13. My humor had changed from foolishness to making sense.
Bernie Mac
#14. So my humor, I'd say, comes from a mixture of lowbrow comedy shows and highbrow theater. It's an interesting mix.
Jasper Fforde
#15. Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God.
Don Rickles
#16. My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked - just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor.
Shia Labeouf
#18. My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.
Bob Saget
#19. I was a precocious only child, and then I went through a fat, awkward stage for several years, so I learned to fall back on my humor and personality when I was growing up. It's how you survive, so I think it was more of a natural progression for me, developing into comedy.
Ari Graynor
#20. My humor is a lot like Kristen Wiig's from 'Saturday Night Live' or 'Bridesmaids.' Quirky, off the beaten path.
Nicole Ari Parker
#21. A lot of my humor does come from anger. It's like, you're not gonna pull one over on me - which is pretty much my motto anyways.
Courteney Cox
#23. I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes.
Sarah Hyland
#24. I think sometimes my humor is extremely dry, and a lot of times I would say things that I thought were very funny but ... I have a reputation of - people think of me as a very fundamentalist, humorless fellow.
Ian MacKaye
#25. All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.
Lenny Bruce
#26. A college of wit-crackers cannot flout me out of my humor. Dost thou think I care for a satire or an epigram?
William Shakespeare
#27. When I started out, it was around the whole 9/11 - Islamophobia was just sort of hitting a second wind. Obviously that informed a lot of my humor, and it influenced a lot of what I was talking about on stage because it was extremely relevant at the time.
Riaad Moosa
#28. My daughter doesn't even get my humor. She's like, 'Um, no. I don't get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.'
Kevin Hart
#29. I think the thrust of any child is to try to fit in and be part of it. And I can't tell you how many times my humor, you know, what I thought was humor ended up making me the outsider. Like I'd be, I go, 'It's a joke.' And they'd go, 'Well, what was funny?' And they just thought I was insane.
Howie Mandel
#30. My dad was a big fan of comedy. He wanted to be a stand-up. He loved Lenny [Bruce]. He also loved Lord Buckley and jazz and stuff. He was a hipster. My parents were kind of beatnik-y, you know, for Salt Lake City. But my humor, I think, came from wanting to disarm people before they hit me.
Judd Apatow
#31. Being Jewish is a big part of my artistic sensibility and my humor ... I think it gives me a certain take on the world on a literary level.
Adam Mansbach
#32. A good-humored wife who appreciates most, if not all, of my humor - her price is far above rubies, as the book of Proverbs doesn't quite say.
Andrew Hudgins
#33. My humor is channeling everything through my brain. For example, when I talk about something, it's how Richard Lewis feels about it. I'm a storyteller. I do a lot of free association.
Richard Lewis
#34. Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.
Sarah Silverman
#35. My humor tends to be a little more edgy than is appropriate for 'Twilight,' although I got some in there. That was fun! There's just a tonal difference. For me, storytelling is storytelling. But, I do like writing for grown ups.
Melissa Rosenberg
#36. My humor isn't meant to be mean or hurt anyone. But it's to make them uncomfortable and laugh. I like making people feel a different range of emotions. I like to make people a bit confused.
Charlyne Yi
#37. Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.
Don Rickles
#38. My humor is my creativity, and my skepticism is a gift.
J. Tillman
#39. I'm discovering there are innumerable ways to package, promote and sell my humor, as long as I reserve a little for myself to keep bouncing back and laughing off the rejections that are also part of the art of cartooning.
Mark Evelyn Heath
#40. I, measuring his affections by my own,
Which then most sought where most might not be found,
Being one too many by my weary self,
Pursued my humor not pursuing his,
And gladly shunned who gladly fled from me.
William Shakespeare
#41. I failed to fulfill what should have been an interesting role. I couldn't take their formula and bring what I had, my humor, my ideas, and make it my own.
Dianne Wiest
#42. This is an ugly and mean world, and only to spite it we mustn't weep. If you want to know, this is the constant source of my good spirit, of my humor. Not to cry, out of spite, only to laugh out of spite, only to laugh.
Sholem Aleichem
#43. In a way, a lot of my humor comes from presenting things that are dramatic or shocking and then people not having socially appropriate responses, having people denying the drama by failing to react to it, and that's a really classic form of humor.
Chuck Palahniuk
#44. 'Big Bang Theory' is not my kind of show. It's not my humor. I don't like multicam comedies. I don't want an audience to tell me when to laugh.
Zachary Knighton
#45. The reason I'm a psychologist is based in part on my telephone routines. Much of my humor comes out of reaction to what other people are saying. A psychologist is a man who listens, who is sympathetic.
Bob Newhart
#46. In the future if my mother tries to shame me with her disapproval, I will let her know in no uncertain terms that I reject her and all of her codependent baggage. I am Codependent No More.
Susan Juby
#48. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Steven Wright
#49. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
#50. What do you have in this car?" he asked.
"What do you mean, like weapons?"
"That would be a good start."
"Well, I 've got a mini Swiss Army Knife on my key chain."
"A two-inch stainless steel blade and a nail file. They might as well surrender to us now ...
Richard Castle
#51. My God, the corruptions of literature. It put all these notions into our heads.
Charles Baxter
#52. My teacher asked my favorite color. ... I said 'Rainbow'.... and I was punished to stand out of my class.
Saket Assertive
#54. The Lord help us!' he soliloquised in an undertone of peevish displeasure, while relieving me of my horse: looking, meantime, in my face so sourly that I charitably conjectured he must have need of divine aid to digest his dinner, and his pious ejaculation had no reference to my unexpected advent.
Emily Bronte
#55. Locals? I hit print on the shock file, and my face was the paper that came out of the printer! Locals! I had no idea this deep into the green inferno there'd be people living! Or dying!
Mark Gunk
#56. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
#58. Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind .
"Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius
Jim Butcher
#59. My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
#60. Or perhaps Zeus was just messing with me again - giving me a taste of my old power before yanking it away once more. Remember this, kid? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
Rick Riordan
#61. You like my kisses - and I like kissing you. Why deny ourselves such innocent pleasure?
Stephanie Laurens
#62. A whole lot of good my IQ came when it came to judging his character.
DiAnn Mills
#63. My love, wherever you are - whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you.
Morrissey
#64. My leg hurts," the soldier whined.
"Of course it does," Halt told him. "I put an arrow through it. Did you expect it not to hurt?
John Flanagan
#65. My Grandmother says that love is like a bout of diarrhea, it needs neither an invitation nor privacy.
Dora Okeyo
#66. Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."
My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look.
Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right.
"It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven."
"Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.
Jeaniene Frost
#67. I've endured my entire life struggling from a split personality. The problem is that the other guy, a wise guy named (Jack) ... has always been in charge.
Timothy Pina
#68. Lydia shook her head. "This is my life. Getting yelled at in a Walmart parking lot on a Friday night by somebody doing a bad impression of PG-13 fart-joke-movie comedian.
Jeff Zentner
#69. I think I can relate to this guy [Psycho Sam] that ended up ... This desire to go off the grid and live on his own and didn't trust anyone or anything and I guess the thing that saved him in my head was that he had a great sense of humor.
Rhys Darby
#70. I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Rodney Dangerfield
#71. I generally assumed a guy was gay until proven straight, taken until proven single, and not interested until he'd put his tongue in my mouth.
Mara Wilson
#72. I picked up my flute and smiled, eyebrows dancing. "Why don't you show her your straight dance?"
"Is there a gay dance, too?" Mickey asked.
Rose Christo
#73. As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
George Lopez
#74. Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
David Sedaris
#75. I don't have a disregard for my reader in humor pieces.
Ian Frazier
#76. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
#77. Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.
Kira4Inu
#78. My last girlfriend was a Showgirl - But we eventually broke up because she wouldn't Tell me anything. Now I'm dating a girl who looks exactly like my grandma, only my girl older.
-James Lee Schmidt and Jarod Kintz
James Lee Schmidt
#79. My dad instilled in me a great sense of humor. I wasn't bullied at school because my outward attitude was confident, and that helps.
Warwick Davis
#80. I'll keep my head down," Mally assured him. "I'll be careful."
"If anything happens
"
"If anything happens I'll tell you immediately."
Ivan seemed pleased at that and relaxed against a tree trunk.
"Good. I don't want your mother chasing me around Lenzar with a carving knife.
M.L. LeGette
#81. Mia: I was sixteen when I first realized my mom was more concerned about my appearance than I was ... I'll be talking to my mom and realize she hasn't heard a word because she's studying my face to see if the foundation I'm using is a good match for my skin tone.
Mia Fontaine
#82. Nobody likes me," he concluded at the tail end of a ten-minute pity fest.
"Can't imagine why," Quinn murmured. I turned my snort of laughter into a fake cough,
which was an embarrassingly feeble attempt at subterfuge when you consider the fact that
I didn't have any lungs.
Robin Wasserman
#83. I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
George Carlin
#84. Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.
Daniel Palladino
#85. You nearly killed eight people!" I managed to gasp out loud.
"My count was closer to twelve," returned Havisham as she opened the door. "And anyhow, you can't nearly kill someone. Either they are dead or they are not.
Jasper Fforde
#86. Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. "Do you always hold your guitar like that?"
I dropped my pick. "Do you always shop at Hot Topic?
Tara Kelly
#87. I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Johnny Depp
#88. I don't believe for one moment that I killed him [ ... ] But if I didn't, somebody else did. I must appoint myself Investigator. I must catch this malefactor, this pig. And if at any time it looks as if I am going to catch myself, I can always accept my resignation.
Pamela Branch
#90. My memories came back like a punch in the face. Only good.
Lee Davidson
#91. My Uriah,' said Mrs. Heep, 'has looked forward to this, sir, a long while. He had his fears that our umbleness stood in the way, and I joined in them myself. Umble we are, umble we have been, umble we shall ever be,' said Mrs. Heep.
Charles Dickens
#92. Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me.
Kevin Hearne
#93. I looked at the place with my heart beating as I had known it to do in the dentist's parlor.
Henry James
#94. I used to be neurotic. I didn't like myself very much. But somewhere in my mid-40s, my neuroses stopped seeming so important. I developed a sense of humor.
Joanne Woodward
#95. I - though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment - was my usual dignified self.
Jonathan Stroud
#96. My indiscretion was a part of my author mystique, just like Charles Dickens and Richard Madeley.
Rosen Trevithick
#97. Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
Erma Bombeck
#98. My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.
Amy Schumer
#99. I could have blamed it on the intoxication of youth.
Others might find fault on just intoxication.
My parents would say that it was an act of plain stupidity.
Reality would point out that it was Thursday night at college and the youth are prone to err.
Mara Joaquin
#100. If someone wanted to have a grudge against me, or didn't agree with my lifestyle, the way I breathed, the space I took up on this planet, they had an open door to 'report' to the powers that be.
Mark Alders
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