Neil Leckman Quotes

#1. They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!

Neil Leckman

#2. My oldest son used to say his stomach had angries when he felt sick.
I always pictured an all night fight club for finger foods!!

Neil Leckman

#3. How about a TV show about vampire plastic surgeons called, "Suck and Tuck"?

Neil Leckman

#4. It lies here deep in the heart, the small chest of pain
Sharp words like daggers placed it here
To fill with hurt
In filling it grew heavy and drug me down
For to not feel is not to live
Until I rest at last in dirt
The worst of you got the best of me ...

Neil Leckman

#5. Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!

Neil Leckman

#6. It has been brought to my attention that I may be a verbivore. I consumptor of words, that I subsequently spew forth with considerable consternation.
A Volley of verbs that are quite vexing has taken form, perhaps under the guise of consonants most foul!! Where have you wandered faithful vowels?

Neil Leckman

#7. Empolyee form fun
Who to contact in an emergency?
911

Neil Leckman

#8. I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!!

Neil Leckman

#9. A great book is a thing of mystery and beauty; it has the power to move you.

Neil Leckman

#10. I consider whoever my words land on to be my target, that's why I like flash fiction, it's a lot like using a shotgun.

Neil Leckman

#11. Bad questions at employment interviews:
Is your drug test graded on a curve?

Neil Leckman

#12. Vegan Vengeance" - A Vegan teams up with "Carrot Chick", Broccoli Boy" and Paul Potato" to battle meat eaters everywhere. If "Oliver Onion" joins in they may stand a chance of making the enemy cry every time they eat meat!!

Neil Leckman

#13. Never torque a man's nuts unless you are his mechanic!!

Neil Leckman

#14. Neil Leckman
I had a friend once that told me when we die and get to the pearly gates we are admitted based on our deeds.
1 good deed is a step forward
1 bad deed is two steps back.
By the time he's through with you I'm not sure you'll even be able to see the gates!!

Neil Leckman

#15. I am open to all comments, I accept them with humility, or as much as i can muster on short notice.

Neil Leckman

#16. I try not to have personal problems, I do that by telling everyone about them!!!

Neil Leckman

#17. Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat

Neil Leckman

#18. If I were a candy bar I'd want to be a snicker, because then I'd have the last laugh!!

Neil Leckman

#19. Somebody once told me that I need a reality check, I told them that I'll accept money from any source.

Neil Leckman

#20. Remember never to text and drive, it's bad grammar, even if you have a deadline. You might cross the line and dead may be your destination. Think about it!!

Neil Leckman

#21. Has anyone else noticed that most dreams happen while you're asleep? Makes it a lot harder to remember the details ...

Neil Leckman

#22. I woke today ready to think outside the box. I can't remember where I put it.

Neil Leckman

#23. I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain.

Neil Leckman

#24. I like to provide American humor for British soccer coaches when possible. During keeper practice I'll offer to stand behind the goal and shag a few balls!!

Neil Leckman

#25. In the form it asked who to contact in an emergency, so I put 911.

Neil Leckman

#26. If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?

Neil Leckman

#27. I always wonder how many potholes there are in the road less taken. I mean it's great to go where others don't, but is it maintained?

Neil Leckman

#28. They used to say, "A penny for your thoughts". I have heard that zombies will pay up to $5 a pound for your brains. Inflation even affects the dead!!!

Neil Leckman

#29. They say you don't know what you don't know until you know that you don't know it.

Neil Leckman

#30. If I have a pocket full of rainbows am I an optimist, or a guy with wet pants and really large pockets?

Neil Leckman

#31. I took the road less traveled, now I need a map.

Neil Leckman

#32. How many of you knew what the Thomas A Swift Electric Rifle was? An idea in the book years ago, and now who hasn't heard of a T.A.S.E.R.

Neil Leckman

#33. I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!!

Neil Leckman

#34. Have you ever had a large spider in the tub, figuring you'll wash it down the drain you turn on the shower, and set it to hot?
Only to have the stupid thing grab onto the edge of the drain and hiss at you!!

Neil Leckman

#35. The man said, "The toy cars are a dollar a piece". The boy thought about that a moment and asked, "How much for the whole thing?

Neil Leckman

#36. Have you ever found Viking in your cottage cheese?

Neil Leckman

#37. I tok the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.

Neil Leckman

#38. I tried to walk a mile in a man's shoes once. I ended up running most of the way!! Seems he wanted them back..

Neil Leckman

#39. I never completely understood the phrase, "I took my medicine religiously", unless of course it was a religion I was unfamiliar with!!

Neil Leckman

#40. Thought about being a stand up comedienne for zombies, but when they eat you alive, they really eat you!!

Neil Leckman

#41. Yesterday I fell completely off the face of the earth
Contemplating life, light and love in the darkness of the void
Strangely it was in the dark that I found meaning for the light

Neil Leckman

#42. You shouldn't follow your heart unless you can keep a beat.

Neil Leckman

#43. We started our journey across the waistlands by folowing the enormous belt!!

Neil Leckman

#44. I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!

Neil Leckman

#45. Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension.

Neil Leckman

#46. When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".
I have often wondered if I was.

Neil Leckman

#47. If I have multiple personalities will I taste better to a zombie, or is the effort simply wasted?
I've talked it over with myself, and neither of us could agree if that is true or not!!!

Neil Leckman

#48. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if those chalk outlines they have at murder scenes get together for holiday parties ...

Neil Leckman

#49. I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.

Neil Leckman

#50. I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!!

Neil Leckman

#51. I took the road less travled, now I'm lost.

Neil Leckman

#52. Life is complex and prone to being pedantic
Always little things crawl, flutter
and creep in.
Nesting in cracks in our psyches
Gibbering, whispering and scratching
on sanity's walls.
Messages without form or reason
Teasing us to come out
And blend in.

Neil Leckman

#53. Well they have to have something to wean Caluntians off Venusian moles. Seems humans are the best therapy, to consume that is. They say we are a bit gamey though. An acquired taste, one we hope not many acquire.

Neil Leckman

#54. Remember, never apply too much torque or you'll bust your nuts!!

Neil Leckman

#55. Some people like to push my buttons!!! I just wish they would give them back ...

Neil Leckman

#56. If you die while travelling at the speed of light do you still see the light, or a 'temporarily unavailable' message?

Neil Leckman

#57. They started the meeting out by saying, "Everybody please take your seats"
I was halfway back to my cubicle with mine before they stopped me ...

Neil Leckman

#58. If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses?

Neil Leckman

#59. You know what they say. One man's joke is another man's brother

Neil Leckman

#60. I've always been afraid that someone would steal my identity some day and be more successful at being me than I am!!

Neil Leckman

#61. This is another one that perplexes me.
"Would you like your milk in a bag?"
"No, I think it's fine inside that plastic jug, but thanks for asking first!!

Neil Leckman

#62. Overheard vampire conversation.
"Is that Ophelia?"
"yep"
"She doesn't look well"
"Ever since she drank from that hemophiliac everything just goes right through her.

Neil Leckman

#63. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!

Neil Leckman

#64. Sure, ask a question, fire away, but remember, just because we answer doesn't mean we care. We all have our own problems, and mine are down in the cellar kicking up a fuss right now, must not have made the knots tight enough!!!

Neil Leckman

#65. My grandson was sitting by a fire in the backyard and said it was getting smaller. I said he was getting bigger and in fact was twenty years old now.
He laughed and said, No I'm not I didn't have any birthdays!!

Neil Leckman

#66. While walking with a British coach.
Why do you chuckle every time we walk by the theater that is showing "Free Willy"?

Neil Leckman

#67. Headstones:
What I asked was, "Would you MARRY me?!!"
"This time I'll count to one hundred and you hide."
"OK, It's not funny anymore let me out!!

Neil Leckman

#68. Is it worth the effort to tell an idiot that they are profoundly stupid? Or is it just good fun to see the blank stare?

Neil Leckman

#69. You ever drive up to the pharmacy window and they ask you, "Can I have your phone number?"
Sure all I get on it anymore are political calls, and people doing polls. Maybe it's difficult for people that work at pharmacy drive up windows to get phones.

Neil Leckman

#70. I admit I once threw caution to the wind ...
It doesn't fly well!!

Neil Leckman

#71. How many boxs of Fruit Loops do you need to smash to be considered a cereal killer?

Neil Leckman

#72. On moonless nights in haunted hollow
The tongues of beasts, men's blood do swallow
Shape shifting shadows that soon will fade
Leaving lifeless husks in that mountain glade
Swift now close thy sleepy eyes
Hope that your dreams hold no surprise.

Neil Leckman

#73. I think that last batch of sea monkeys ate my cat!!!

Neil Leckman

#74. I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!

Neil Leckman

#75. They kept yelling at me to pay attention during school, since education hasn't panned out for me can I get a refund, or at least a rebate?

Neil Leckman

#76. How to contact in case of an emergency?
I prefer 911 myself ...

Neil Leckman

#77. Quickly look down, now you tell me, when you were little did you ever imagine that you'd be wearing those shoes? Mind blowing isn't it?

Neil Leckman

#78. One of the joys of being a grandparent is giving your grandchild caffeinated sugary drinks late in the day, and sending them home. Do you have any idea how many years I had to wait for that?

Neil Leckman

#79. Bad answers for employment questions:
Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job?
My parole was granted

Neil Leckman

#80. Pharmacy drive-up window:
"Could I have your address?"
"Well, you could, but that would be one hell of a coincidence!!

Neil Leckman

#81. Why is ground round sold in a square package?

Neil Leckman

#82. Is it worse to double park if you're cross eyed?

Neil Leckman

#83. So you like to stretch the truth?" he asked me. "Stretch, fold, spindle, staple or cut, whatever it takes to get it to fit just right".

Neil Leckman

#84. She cuts with daggerous eyes of fire
Words like poison coat fangs of bad intent
And biting remarks carve into holiday delights
Leaving dark the places once light.

Neil Leckman

#85. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges soaking up so much water.

Neil Leckman

#86. I'm not sure what they mean by mispent youth, I used mine to get a nice BLT a few years ago.

Neil Leckman

#87. Still waiting for them to make reversible diapers, maybe with teflon coating ...

Neil Leckman

#88. I am open to comments, I accept with with all humility, or at least what I can muster at short notice.

Neil Leckman

#89. Asthmatic spewer of filth gasps, but clean air does not suffice
To fuel fires fueled by thoughts got rotten
Lest we all be forgotten things
That sit like dust upon the mantel of her mind

Neil Leckman

#90. Wheneve someone asks me, "Did you find everything alright?" I wonder to myself, "Is this a trick question?"
Maybe there is something that is not all right, and if I mention it first I get some exotic prizes!!

Neil Leckman

#91. Is it possible to be ticket for going too fast during speed dating?

Neil Leckman