Top 100 My Humor Quotes
#1. In the future if my mother tries to shame me with her disapproval, I will let her know in no uncertain terms that I reject her and all of her codependent baggage. I am Codependent No More.
Susan Juby
#3. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Steven Wright
#4. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield
#5. What do you have in this car?" he asked.
"What do you mean, like weapons?"
"That would be a good start."
"Well, I 've got a mini Swiss Army Knife on my key chain."
"A two-inch stainless steel blade and a nail file. They might as well surrender to us now ...
Richard Castle
#6. My God, the corruptions of literature. It put all these notions into our heads.
Charles Baxter
#7. My teacher asked my favorite color. ... I said 'Rainbow'.... and I was punished to stand out of my class.
Saket Assertive
#9. The Lord help us!' he soliloquised in an undertone of peevish displeasure, while relieving me of my horse: looking, meantime, in my face so sourly that I charitably conjectured he must have need of divine aid to digest his dinner, and his pious ejaculation had no reference to my unexpected advent.
Emily Bronte
#10. Locals? I hit print on the shock file, and my face was the paper that came out of the printer! Locals! I had no idea this deep into the green inferno there'd be people living! Or dying!
Mark Gunk
#11. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
#13. Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind .
"Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius
Jim Butcher
#14. My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
#15. Or perhaps Zeus was just messing with me again - giving me a taste of my old power before yanking it away once more. Remember this, kid? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
Rick Riordan
#16. You like my kisses - and I like kissing you. Why deny ourselves such innocent pleasure?
Stephanie Laurens
#17. A whole lot of good my IQ came when it came to judging his character.
DiAnn Mills
#18. My love, wherever you are - whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you.
Morrissey
#19. My leg hurts," the soldier whined.
"Of course it does," Halt told him. "I put an arrow through it. Did you expect it not to hurt?
John Flanagan
#20. My Grandmother says that love is like a bout of diarrhea, it needs neither an invitation nor privacy.
Dora Okeyo
#21. Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."
My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look.
Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right.
"It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven."
"Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.
Jeaniene Frost
#22. I've endured my entire life struggling from a split personality. The problem is that the other guy, a wise guy named (Jack) ... has always been in charge.
Timothy Pina
#23. Lydia shook her head. "This is my life. Getting yelled at in a Walmart parking lot on a Friday night by somebody doing a bad impression of PG-13 fart-joke-movie comedian.
Jeff Zentner
#24. I think I can relate to this guy [Psycho Sam] that ended up ... This desire to go off the grid and live on his own and didn't trust anyone or anything and I guess the thing that saved him in my head was that he had a great sense of humor.
Rhys Darby
#25. I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Rodney Dangerfield
#26. I generally assumed a guy was gay until proven straight, taken until proven single, and not interested until he'd put his tongue in my mouth.
Mara Wilson
#27. I picked up my flute and smiled, eyebrows dancing. "Why don't you show her your straight dance?"
"Is there a gay dance, too?" Mickey asked.
Rose Christo
#28. As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
George Lopez
#29. Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
David Sedaris
#30. I don't have a disregard for my reader in humor pieces.
Ian Frazier
#31. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
#32. Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.
Kira4Inu
#33. My last girlfriend was a Showgirl - But we eventually broke up because she wouldn't Tell me anything. Now I'm dating a girl who looks exactly like my grandma, only my girl older.
-James Lee Schmidt and Jarod Kintz
James Lee Schmidt
#34. My dad instilled in me a great sense of humor. I wasn't bullied at school because my outward attitude was confident, and that helps.
Warwick Davis
#35. I'll keep my head down," Mally assured him. "I'll be careful."
"If anything happens
"
"If anything happens I'll tell you immediately."
Ivan seemed pleased at that and relaxed against a tree trunk.
"Good. I don't want your mother chasing me around Lenzar with a carving knife.
M.L. LeGette
#36. Mia: I was sixteen when I first realized my mom was more concerned about my appearance than I was ... I'll be talking to my mom and realize she hasn't heard a word because she's studying my face to see if the foundation I'm using is a good match for my skin tone.
Mia Fontaine
#37. I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor ... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.
Steve Carell
#38. Nobody likes me," he concluded at the tail end of a ten-minute pity fest.
"Can't imagine why," Quinn murmured. I turned my snort of laughter into a fake cough,
which was an embarrassingly feeble attempt at subterfuge when you consider the fact that
I didn't have any lungs.
Robin Wasserman
#39. I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
George Carlin
#40. Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.
Daniel Palladino
#41. You nearly killed eight people!" I managed to gasp out loud.
"My count was closer to twelve," returned Havisham as she opened the door. "And anyhow, you can't nearly kill someone. Either they are dead or they are not.
Jasper Fforde
#42. Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. "Do you always hold your guitar like that?"
I dropped my pick. "Do you always shop at Hot Topic?
Tara Kelly
#43. I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
Johnny Depp
#44. I don't believe for one moment that I killed him [ ... ] But if I didn't, somebody else did. I must appoint myself Investigator. I must catch this malefactor, this pig. And if at any time it looks as if I am going to catch myself, I can always accept my resignation.
Pamela Branch
#46. My memories came back like a punch in the face. Only good.
Lee Davidson
#47. My Uriah,' said Mrs. Heep, 'has looked forward to this, sir, a long while. He had his fears that our umbleness stood in the way, and I joined in them myself. Umble we are, umble we have been, umble we shall ever be,' said Mrs. Heep.
Charles Dickens
#48. Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me.
Kevin Hearne
#49. I looked at the place with my heart beating as I had known it to do in the dentist's parlor.
Henry James
#50. I used to be neurotic. I didn't like myself very much. But somewhere in my mid-40s, my neuroses stopped seeming so important. I developed a sense of humor.
Joanne Woodward
#51. Also, my humor is really dry-witted, Canadian humor, so some people get it and some people don't. I'd be great on "The Office." I would like to be on that show. And, I could see me doing romantic comedy films, and stuff like that.
Tinsel Korey
#52. I - though forced through lack of space to assume the form of a stoic guinea pig crouched between the girl's shoe and the glove compartment - was my usual dignified self.
Jonathan Stroud
#53. My indiscretion was a part of my author mystique, just like Charles Dickens and Richard Madeley.
Rosen Trevithick
#54. Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
Erma Bombeck
#55. My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me.
Amy Schumer
#56. I could have blamed it on the intoxication of youth.
Others might find fault on just intoxication.
My parents would say that it was an act of plain stupidity.
Reality would point out that it was Thursday night at college and the youth are prone to err.
Mara Joaquin
#57. If someone wanted to have a grudge against me, or didn't agree with my lifestyle, the way I breathed, the space I took up on this planet, they had an open door to 'report' to the powers that be.
Mark Alders
#58. I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Mark Twain
#59. She looked over my shoulder once while I was texting, which was already annoying, and when I wrote lol she made a very clear point to me about how I was silent and not laughing out loud, not at all. I said it was just an expression, and that I was laughing out loud inside my own mind.
Aimee Bender
#60. Don't get between me and my chocolate!
Gail Koger
#61. If you run away from trouble, it always follows.'
Rather my impression, too. Though that never stopped me trying.
Tanith Lee
#62. Pointed teeth would give one an appearance of ferocity," he said, tapping a straight white tooth. "Although that might require one to follow through with biting someone from time to time, and the thought is enough to make one feel ill. I don't even like my meat cooked rare.
Danielle L. Jensen
#63. Well, the only logical explanation is that all of my clothes shrunk!
Van Krishna
#64. There is a story I always tell my students ... when I came for the 1st time to the US. I didn't speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word "exit" which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :"No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they open leads to success
Pablo
#65. He's lighting up my life and I don't even know his name. He's already perfect.
Poppet
#66. Yeah, but if I don't start my nervous pacing now, I'll never have it all done in time.
Scott Lynch
#67. I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.
Wendy Liebman
#68. By my soul! I would rather have a dry death," quoth Sir Oliver. "Though, Mort Dieu! I have eaten so many fish that it were but justice that the fish should eat me.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#69. What are you doing?" she asked, trying to raise herself.
"First, I thought I'd show you what a pity it would be if they cut off my wicked tongue.
Melina Marchetta
#70. V tired to imagine giving up his proclivities. My monster needs to get out. Especially now.
J.R. Ward
#71. I feel like I was born the day my kids were and that my life before was only there to gain wisdom for them. The point is you do your best. Your very best every day. You do it and you do it for them!
Drew Barrymore
#72. The gift of my childhood was laughter, being able to find the humor.
Jennifer Aniston
#73. Evelyn: ...Don't take my negativity for lack of self-confidence. I'm just a realist.
Maddie: Realistically dumb.
Rachel Hera
#74. You would do the same for me. He smiled a big toothy smile before he hopped off my car and walked away, leaving me wondering what was up with the guy in the girl jeans and why I couldn't get him off of my mind.
Magan Vernon
#75. In my experience, if people don't have a sense of humor, they are usually not very good scientists, either.
Andre Geim
#76. I do believe you would be perfectly happy shut up in your study with your rolls of manuscript all your life, without seeing another human being save a servant to bring you in bread and fruit and water twice a day.
G.A. Henty
#77. They say that time is relative. I think the way it's treating me it's a distant one, maybe a bad uncle, and not welcome in my house this Christmas!!
Neil Leckman
#78. I wondered what the FML post would look like.
"Today, when my father tried to shoot me, I found out he was an assassin monger who's been keeping my mom locked away in a secret facility for freaky killers. FML."
Seriously. F.M.L.
Jus Accardo
#79. Your sense of humor needs some work, then,' Wesley suggested. 'Most girls find my jokes charming.'
'Those girls must have IQs low enough to trip over.
Kody Keplinger
#80. I opened the door as quickly as I could - speedy as a snail in glue. My fine-motor coordination was set on suck mode.
Devon Monk
#81. The Wookiee gambit.' he said with a smile. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about, but somewhere in my head a distant memory was forming. He raised an eyebrow. 'Christ, Alex, what have they done to your brain? You don't remember Star Wars?
Alexander Gordon Smith
#82. Lord, I pray today that my words may be soft and sweet, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.
Unknown
#83. Not my finest hour," he says, shaking his head.
"You realize you did it for no reason," I say. I tell him about talking to my dad and explain that I was crying because of that.
"That information would have been useful BEFORE I shoved him in the pool.
Heather Hepler
#84. Sure, I liked girls but I was always too terrified to speak to them unless we were arguing or I was calling them stupidos, which was one of my favorite words that year.
Junot Diaz
#85. I always have my own opinion before my boss says his.
Gerry Geek
#86. Some Saian mountaineer
Struts today with my shield.
I threw it down by a bush and ran
When the fighting got hot.
Life seemed somehow more precious.
It was a beautiful shield.
I know where I can buy another
Exactly like it, just as round.
Archilochos
#87. My many years of living have not made the actions of teenage boys any less enigmatic.
Avery Williams
#88. Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.
Tennessee Williams
#89. I caught the earth with my ass when it came up to meet me.
Amber Kell
#90. I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.
Anthony Jeselnik
#91. The waited stopped by and Nathan order a cup of coffee.
"No cake?" I asked, surprised.
He patted his flat stomach. "Trying to watch my figure."
I laughed. "Whatever, Captain Skittles.
Elicia Hyder
#92. I've got a bit of Scottish Blood ... On my kitchen knife!!
Milton Jones
#93. Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.
David Sedaris
#94. Writing is my dream. From romance to dragons; fairies to fantasy worlds, this is where I live and play. Thanks be to God!
Lisa Hannah Wells
#95. I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. And when I started having kids, that doesn't work with kids. Kids don't understand sarcasm, and they certainly don't understand my humor.
Kurt Fuller
#96. In my day the principal concerns of university students were sex, smoking dope, rioting and learning. Learning was something you did only when the first three weren't available.
Bill Bryson
#97. Just remember that you're on my list, Marcone. Soon as I get done with all the other evils in this town, you won't be the lesser of them anymore."
Marcone stared at me with half-lidded eyes and said, "Eek.
Jim Butcher
#98. This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.
John Swartzwelder
#99. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
"That's not my religion," Murray said. "My religion just says duck.
David F. Porteous
#100. A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off, but I can't help it.
Michael Showalter
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