Top 100 Man Humor Quotes
#1. Those who knew Lincoln described him as an extraordinarily funny man. Humor was an essential aspect of his temperament. He laughed, he explained, so he did not weep.
Doris Kearns Goodwin
#2. One man's warfare is another man's welfare.
Timothy Pina
#3. There are times when I love to play all kinds of complicated games in painting. But this is one case when I need to be fairly straightforward. I'll just try to paint the man, his intelligence, his amiability and his stature, maybe paint him fairly close to humor and try to get it just right.
Nelson Shanks
#4. Why don't you and I have a nice penetrating man-to-man conversation?
Sanami Matoh
#5. You can't possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk." Meg's smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up.
Cari Hunter
#6. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
#7. Well, how did you die, then?" the old man finally asked.
"Die?" Matthew threw back. "Are you crazy? I'm not dead. I'm just very late.
J. Tonzelli
#8. If you're making love to a man of God, then God must endorse your lovemaking.
Eileen Pollack
#9. The arrogant man probably thought his path to heaven was already assured, and that he acted in accordance to God's will just by breathing.
Maya Banks
#10. Hey, er ... " said Zaphod, "what's your name?"
The man looked at them doubtfully.
"I don't know. Why, do you think I should have one? It seems very odd to
give a bundle of vague sensory perceptions a name.
Douglas Adams
#11. Ah, man, when Wolverine grows his face back, he's really gonna be pretty upset.
Brian Michael Bendis
#12. Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.
Jerry Lewis
#13. To see a man's true colours, tell him that you don't plan on having sex with him. To see a woman's true colours, tell her that you don't plan on marrying her.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#14. I can tell you I've crunched the numbers time and time again; it is always more fun to have eight people with one beer than one man with eight beers.
Nick Offerman
#15. He made a careful rehearsal of some of their bits of talk
why had she said this? what had she meant by that? why had she done the other? He dwelt on these matters with an absorbed speculation, and with a young man of Ogden's temperament speculation was but the first step on the way to love.
Henry Blake Fuller
#16. If a man can't love you for who you are, he's not worth The Dior Gloss.
Leah Marie Brown
#17. I looked at the place with my heart beating as I had known it to do in the dentist's parlor.
Henry James
#18. Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.
P.G. Wodehouse
#19. Precipitous creature,' Kruppe muttered, reaching for the mug of wine the man had left behind. 'Ah, look at this,' he said, frowning up at Crokus, 'nigh two-thirds full. A potential waste!' Kruppe drank it down in one swift gulp, then sighed. 'Said potential averted, Dessembrae be praised.
Steven Erikson
#20. The primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.
G.K. Chesterton
#21. Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!
Denis Leary
#23. Dear God, she couldn't give this man sex. She could barely give it to Van, and he currently smelled so good she just wanted to shove her face under his t-shirt and eat whatever she found there.
Charlotte Stein
#24. I do believe you would be perfectly happy shut up in your study with your rolls of manuscript all your life, without seeing another human being save a servant to bring you in bread and fruit and water twice a day.
G.A. Henty
#25. Nothing in man is more serious than his sense of humor; it is the sign that he wants all the truth.
Mark Van Doren
#26. Needle in a haystack's easy - just bring a magnet."
Eliot stared witheringly at Hardison. "You take the poetry out of everything."
"Says the man who'd just punch the haystack.
Keith R.A. DeCandido
#27. There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, things man is too dumb to figure out, but that's a different problem.
Michael Kurland
#28. It was hard to listen to Goldwater and realize that a man could be half Jewish and yet sometimes appear twice as dense as the normal Gentile.
I. F. Stone
#30. He's got _go_, anyhow.'
Certainly, he's got go,' said Gudrun. 'In fact I've never seen a man that showed signs of so much. The unfortunate thing is, where does his _go_ go to, what becomes of it?
D.H. Lawrence
#31. The Devil ... clutched hold of the miserable young man ... and flew off with him through the ceiling, since which time nothing has been heard of him.
Martin Luther
#32. That macho protective bullshit is just some asshat man pissing on his territory so the other dogs will stay away.
Tammara Webber
#33. You are Spider-Man!" she exclaimed.
Simon glanced down from his perch halfway up the pillar. "That makes you Mary Jane. She has red
hair,
Cassandra Clare
#34. I picked up a transsexual hooker named Thor, all six feet of her, at the off ramp to Eau Claire, Wisconsin, as I was driving up north to kill a man.
J.A. Konrath
#35. Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
Tommy Cooper
#36. The old man was brilliant at looking somber and energetic at the same time. If he hadn't been the executive of the largest governing body in the history of the human race, he'd have made a killing promoting health drinks.
James S.A. Corey
#37. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
#38. Never confuse lust for anything other than what it is. There isn't a man alive that wouldn't gladly take what you are so willing to offer."
"Any but you, apparently."
-Eric to Camile, Pawn of Innocence
Chameleon
#39. The only other people who have had experiences similar to those of this man were locked up inside institutions for the criminally insane. The difference is, this guy gets business cards.
Augusten Burroughs
#40. A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
Mitch Hedberg
#41. I'm a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food.
Ron Swanson
#42. You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
Georgette Heyer
#43. Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.
Dermot Davis
#44. How was it that the one man who could take their company down appeared to be the only one who believed in her?
Miranda Liasson
#45. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
George Carlin
#46. You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?"
"Only a man would think of that.
It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.
Terry Pratchett
#47. You're a dead man," Kyle said. "Warren doesn't take kindly to people who hurt me.
Patricia Briggs
#48. You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don't go nutty on me.
Nicki Elson
#49. His office was on the third floor of the Humanities & Social Sciences Building, just down the hall from the interview room. On the office door was a Peanuts cartoon of Lucy in the psychiatrist's booth with the little DOCTOR is IN sign. Professor Mitchell, a man on the cutting edge of humor.
Rick Riordan
#51. Any man who doesn't believe in carrying weapons on a first date is not a man worth knowing.
Seanan McGuire
#52. As we rode along LaBoeuf commenced whistling tunes, perhaps to take his mind off his sore arm. Rooster said, "God damn a man that whistles!" It was the wrong thing to say if he wished it to stop.
Charles Portis
#53. Well, if getting to the bottom is what is called for, I am sure there is no man better for the job.
Amor Towles
#55. Raw toast," Lucas said grimly, shaking his head. "It goes against the very nature of man.
Julia Quinn
#56. With Angela drawn to the hangdog look and Malachy lonely after three months in jail, there was bound to be a knee-trmbler.
A knee-trmbler is the act itself done up against a wall, man and woman up on their toes, straining so hard their knees tremble with the excitement that's in it.
Frank McCourt
#57. This grown man who now phones his father to say, Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.
David Sedaris
#58. Last week,he had become so enraged with a visiting scientist who had shown him undue pity that Kholer clambered to his feet and threw a clipboard at the man's head.
Dan Brown
#59. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... "
Henny Youngman
#60. So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
Tim Vine
#61. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
#62. Yes, you'd make a great partner for him. What with the embezzling and the adultery and the drinking. That's what every man wants in a wife - a vaguely alcoholic, fornicating thief.
Eleanor Brown
#63. The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune.
Bert Williams
#64. This girl who's slept a hundred years has something after all. It's called Centuryitis, and it has turned me into a man. Oh, what will mamma think when she sees me?!
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#65. America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.
Bill Maher
#66. Quinn wanted to make her see that people didn't live like this; but what was the use. No one was going to get her away from Bird Man out there.
Thomas McGuane
#67. Come to think of it, an Aes Sedai would probably follow a man off a cliff, too, if only to explain to him - in detail - all the things he was doing incorrectly in the way he went about killing himself.
Robert Jordan
#68. Many a man inlove with a dimple makes the mistake of marring the whole Girl
Stephen Leacock
#69. Are you still making that man sing? It must be love, dude
Con Riley
#70. In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.
John Biggins
#71. One man's mistake is another man's opportunity.
Steven Brust
#72. Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.
James D. Carswell
#73. When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?
Cat Johnson
#74. Englishmen are not usually softened by appeals to the memory of their mothers.
Rudyard Kipling
#75. It was not healthy for one man's smile to make my panties spontaneously combust
Molly Harper
#76. Any man can fart in a closed room and say that he commands the wind
Scott Lynch
#77. The man knows he's a target. He's very careful. The'll find the guns.'
Kolya responded with a mournful fart, low and solemn as a single note of a baritone horn.
David Benioff
#78. Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
Ambrose Bierce
#79. I want Little Noah looking like a beat-up mess by the time he's eighteen."
"Why?"
"Cause no woman wants a delicate man. He needs to be sporting at least five scars.
S. Walden
#80. Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:
"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."
One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist.
G.K. Chesterton
#81. They call me the confuser. Is he a man ... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.
Noel Fielding
#82. You had lots of visitors, but they were all quiet."
"Oh real funny. Tease the blind man."
~Trella to Logan, pg. 114-115
Maria V. Snyder
#83. Punning is a talent which no man affects to despise but he that is without it.
Jonathan Swift
#84. Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett
#85. Ook, though very clever, was the worst fighter in the tribe. That is how he ended up with Grot-Grot as his woman. Grot-Grot had a bald patch on the top of her head, she was missing an eye and she smelled like a dead skunk. She did have a good sense of humour though.
Aussiescribbler
#86. Men of humor are always in some degree men of genius; wits are rarely so, although a man of genius may, amongst other gifts, possess wit, as Shakespeare.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
#87. For a man, he has to learn how to get along without a woman for periods of time. For a woman, she has to learn how to get along without a man for periods of time. That's how men and women learn to be able to get along with each other.
Art Hochberg
#89. The thing with love is, you cannot choose who you fall for. Falling in love often happens at the wrong time, in the wrong place, with the wrong person. Just as much as you cannot stop growing feelings for a certain man, there's no switch to turn off your heart.
J.C. Reed
#90. You can't shame a shameless man, you can only remind him of the awesome shit he's done.
Captain Perverto
#91. Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing.
Bernard M. Baruch
#92. You just gotta tell her, man,' I said. 'You just gotta say, "Angela, I really like you, but there's something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we'll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.
John Green
#93. Thinking back on the outing to the theatre, she added, 'I want a man, not a preening peacock!
Katherine Givens
#95. The suspect had experienced a ballistic interlude earlier in the evening," Miss Pao said, "regrettably not filmed, and relieved himself of excess velocity by means of an ablative technique." (describing a young man who flew off a bicycle at high speed)
Neal Stephenson
#96. Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ...
Roberto Hogue
#97. I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Henny Youngman
#98. GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer.
Scarlett Brukett
#99. Just for the record, the way to a man's heart isn't through his stomach, but through the best fucking blow job ever. You want a man to be your bitch? Perfect your craft.
Devon Ashley
#100. The woman must look like the weathered side of a rotted fence post if she had to get a man this way.
Lindsey Brookes
