Top 85 Husband Humor Quotes
#1. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Steven Wright
#2. She who ne'er answers till a husband cools, Or, if she rules him, never shows she rules; Charms by accepting, by submitting, sways, Yet has her humor most, when she obeys.
Alexander Pope
#3. You should make someone a wonderful husband."
Even the tips of Jamie's ears were crimson now. But instead of retreating, he clenched his jaw and looked directly into her eyes.
"I suppose I would," he said. "Are you interested?
Bruce Coville
#4. We English have perfect eyesight."
Alec finally turned to look at her. "Are you jesting with me, wife?"
"You decide, husband."
"Aye, you are," Alec answered. "I've already learned all about the English sense of humor."
"And what have you learned?"
"You don't have any.
Julie Garwood
#5. It's not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.
Jonas Eriksson
#7. I've learned that it doesn't matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
#8. DEATH
...
And now you are here to fight for this woman.
You know her promise is given.
She has to die or her husband won't go free.
APOLLO
Relax, I'm not breaking any laws.
DEATH
Why the bow, if you're breaking no laws?
APOLLO
I always carry a bow, it's my trademark.
Anne Carson
#9. A pretty little thing like you with that sassy mouth and no husband or boyfriend? Are you a widow or a workaholic?
Julie Miller
#10. After we hung up, I took the joint. If I was going to die here, in the creepy basement out of a horror movie, in an epic snowstorm that was like an icy prison, with a wife unwilling to pretend-like Bananarama to maybe save her husband's life, I should at least go out with a smile on my face.
Eric Spitznagel
#11. He's half my ex-husband's age, but twice as energetic when we have sex. And twice as grateful afterwards.
Barbara Taylor Bradford
#12. It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad
Terry Pratchett
#13. She met the Lusitanian cooks, a husband and wife team whose passionate screams in
Portuguese during their fights and lovemaking were legendary among the sailors. - pag. 191
Meljean Brook
#14. You make a very handsome dead eel, my husband,"
"For a boiled mollusk, you wear black quite well, my wife,
Grace Draven
#15. Do you ever get a panicky feeling that nobody cares if you live or die? (A husband will often care decisively, one way or another.)
Sandra Gould
#16. Husband?"
"Aye. Husband."
"The slow-witted one that's been following you? I thought he
was your servant.
G.A. Aiken
#17. You know your husband truly loves you when he calls you, "Money, I'm home!
Natalya Vorobyova
#18. It's no good choosing your first husband from a school for evil geniuses. Much too difficult to kill.
Gail Carriger
#19. When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn't let the dog in the recovery room.
Sandy Nathan
#20. My mother is convinced that yellow is a happy color and that a happy girl would get a husband.
-Penelope Featherington
Julia Quinn
#21. She was definitely the sort of girl who puts her hands over a husband's eyes, as he is crawling in to breakfast with a morning head, and says Guess who!
P.G. Wodehouse
#23. I've never met a person who has more integrity than my husband. I respect that. There's his humor and intelligence, too, and he's really cute, all those things - but if you don't respect your partner, you'll get sick of him.
Michelle Pfeiffer
#24. Hello," said a Traveler, crouching down on Tier's other side. "You must be the Bard."
"Tier," said Seraph, "this is Kors. Kors, my husband, Tier. Kors, what do you want?"
Ah, thought Tier contentedly, all that in under a breath, my Seraph at her charismatic best.
Patricia Briggs
#25. You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy.
'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance.
'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy.
Agatha Christie
#26. I've just vowed my love for you. Have you nothing to say in return?" Duncan asked.
"Thank you, husband.
Julie Garwood
#27. Every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).
G.M. Malliet
#28. What kind of husband would I be if I bet against my own marriage?'
I smiled. 'The stupid kind. Didn't you listen to your dad when he told you not to bet against me?
Jamie McGuire
#29. A friend confided to me recently that she wasn't sure if it was the 'change,' plain old PMS, or just a slow shift toward embracing her inner witch that is causing her to become progressively more irritated by everything her husband does.
Celia Rivenbark
#30. Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.
William Archibald Spooner
#31. My dearest Miss Farthing, will you do me the unutterable honor of wearing this cheap bit of metal that will most likely turn your finger green, pretending to love and honor me as your husband for the purposes of subterfuge and stratagem?
Lisa Mantchev
#32. Piper's lust was like a single bear trap in the wilderness. It was nearly impossible to find if you were looking for it, but it was something you wanted to be prepared for if you stepped into it by accident.
Maggie Stiefvater
#33. Finding a proper husband is rather like selecting a hound. They all have more bark than bite, my girl. One day you'll look across the breakfast table and realize the only option is obedience training. -Grandmamma Holmes
Emma Jane Holloway
#34. Despite her unrepentant aversion to Italian food, which her husband put down to her nation's historic distrust of Italy, she suddenly declared: All I want in life is to be able to get a take-away pizza!
Julia Stuart
#35. I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle ... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody)
Elizabeth Peters
#36. A smart wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman.
Miriam Defensor Santiago
#37. Her husband, Rafael, who'd left her and who'd contributed not one penny to his children's welfare, was a fool of such dimensions that he should have been required to dress like a jester, complete with silly hat and curled-toe shoes.
Dean Koontz
#38. Ike always loved the sunshine, and I like to imagine that wherever he is now, it's as sunny as can be. Of course, nobody knows what happens to you after you die, but it's nice to think of my husband someplace very, very hot, don't you think?
Lemony Snicket
#39. My dear husband Thomas has informed me that I can't walk without natural hip action. The more I slow to adjust my walk, the more my hips determine to swing of their own accord.
Heather Day Gilbert
#40. Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#41. My mom taught me the power of love. I learned to focus on the long-term big picture from my father. His sense of humor and light-hearted approach always make me smile. My husband is a pivotal anchor in my life. His influence encourages me to be independent and take risks.
Padmasree Warrior
#42. Look at yourself, idiot. You reek like the slaughter-house. Plan your dastard's revenge as you like. But for those of us liking our company civilized, spare us the horror and bathe yourself first!
Janny Wurts
#43. Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary
Sarah MacLean
#44. CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
Jay Leno
#45. I married my first husband for love, my second husband for adventure, and my third husband for laffs.
Carolyn V. Hamilton
#46. It keeps her purity vacum-sealed to preserve its freshness for her future husband.
Libba Bray
#47. What ... what about when I'm married?"
"We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits.
Stephanie Perkins
#48. It turns out there is something worse than attending a wedding where you don't know anyone: attending a wedding where you know six people, and they are all your ex-husband's best friends.
Lauren F. Winner
#49. Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code ... he turned himself in.
Rita Rudner
#50. Take care of your husband and do your "homework." For every headache you have there will be a women out there with an aspirin in her purse.
Jane Jenkins Herlong
#51. An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
Frank Carson
#52. It wasn't like a date, she reasoned. Not like some weird double date with her and the brother of the dead guy and her best friend and her best friend's ex-husband who didn't really count. It was just eating.
Nora Roberts
#53. I'm married, honey. My social life consists of work, church, taxiing the kids around and trying to schedule sex with my husband at least once a month.
Marilyn Pappano
#55. Dear Mrs., Mr., Miss, or Mr. and Mrs. Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father, or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action.
Joseph Heller
#56. I'll give you a hint," the woman said with a smile that held no friendliness at all. "You've slept with my husband."
"That doesn't winnow the field down as much as you think it would.
Tiffany Reisz
#57. To me, Ann Romney sounds like a better candidate than her husband. She put her MS into remission through horseback riding, alternative therapies, and a healthy diet. She knows how to pace herself. She has a sense of humor and an innate honesty, and her hair moves in the wind. Maybe she should run.
Patti Davis
#58. NO greater love has a husband for his wife than to watch a 2hr documentary on an elite ballet competition.
Mark Venturini
#59. His fair landlady was in despair. She would most willingly have made M. d'Artagnan her husband
such a handsome man, and such a fierce mustache!
Alexandre Dumas
#60. In some instances, it may unfortunately be necessary for a Wife to seek outside employment, such as when the husband is dismembered or is dead.
Margaret Dilloway
#61. You know that Kate called Walter a heartless bastard?"
"And an asshole. I am quite proud.
Aimee Carter
#62. Most people get excited over new cars; I get excited over death certificates. It's no wonder my husband worries about my state of mind.
Rett MacPherson
#63. What she needs,' Tom said aloud 'is a husband.' Agnes said crisply, 'Well, she can't have mine.
Ken Follett
#64. Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife.
Pawan Mishra
#65. He can blow the flute very well-that 'a can,' said a young married man, who having no individuality worth mentioning was known as 'Susan Tall's husband.
Thomas Hardy
#66. Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~
Lucian Bane
#67. She suspects her husband, Jake, might be gay."
"Did you suggest she ask him?"
Mom laughed. "Of course not. Business is slow.
Lisa Lutz
#68. She has carefully audited her life and found she has no requirement for a husband.
Helen Smith
#69. The amount of women you hear say, "If Donald - or Arthur - or whatever his name was - had only lived." And I sometimes think but if he had, he'd have been a stout, unromantic, short-tempered, middle-aged husband as likely as not.
Agatha Christie
#70. New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.
Bill Maher
#71. An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.
Winston S. Churchill
#72. My husband says this longing for isolation is not a good quality, that if I wanted to be a hermit I should have moved to the West Coast and adopted a lot of cats, not gotten married and had children that demand to be fed several times a day.
Anna White
#74. She suggested we 'crouch' buck nekkid on the bed or a dresser and leap out at him from the shadows.
Now, my husband can't see all that well in the dark. I think if he comes into a darkened bedroom and finds 140 pounds of cellulite hurtling through space at him, he's going to run like the devil.
Celia Rivenbark
#75. She took her husband's jokes and joviality as patiently as everything else, considering that "men would be so", and viewing the stronger sex in the light of animals whom it had pleased Heaven to make naturally troublesome, like bulls and turkey-cocks.
George Eliot
#76. My doctor says I must not have any serious conversation after seven [o'clock]. It makes me talk in my sleep.
Oscar Wilde
#77. But here's my secret, what I think has gotten my husband and I through over twenty years, my sister through almost thirty, and my folks through almost over fifty: humor. We laugh at ourselves, each other, at pretty much everything.
Rachel Thompson
#78. You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!!
Bill Maher
#79. Ethan: "You think I'm a hero?"
Beth: "Yes."
Ethan: "But lousy husband material?" Like that really mattered to him.
Beth: "Don't sweat it. So was Superman.
Lucy Monroe
#80. A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.
Pawan Mishra
#81. I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.
#82. Olivia dared not ask, but she had to know. It seemed unlikely her husband could have made a worse choice than Jack Dodger, but if he was her husband's first who would serve as his second? The devil himself? Who is appointed as my son's guardian in that will?
Lorraine Heath
#83. If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#84. I like 'em big. And stupid. Don't tell my husband.
Meg Cabot
#85. So he was her husband, Edward might eat her, and no one's hair could rival his.
Cynthia Hand
