Top 100 Humor Jokes Quotes
#1. I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
Mitch Hedberg
#2. She doesn't really have a sense of humor. I think she'd like to have one - it's just that she doesn't quite understand what jokes are for.
Sophie Kinsella
#5. She took her husband's jokes and joviality as patiently as everything else, considering that "men would be so", and viewing the stronger sex in the light of animals whom it had pleased Heaven to make naturally troublesome, like bulls and turkey-cocks.
George Eliot
#6. A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.
Groucho Marx
#7. Everybody in my family had a real sick, twisted sense of humor. Most of the jokes we make in our house, we would just never even dream of making anywhere else. Just sick, horrible stuff. That wasn't anything new to college.
Seth MacFarlane
#8. If you can't joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what's the point of jokes? What's the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.
Ricky Gervais
#9. I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.
M.J. McGuire
#10. The TARDIS can look like whatever it wants.
Mora Early
#11. Humor [in a scene] is not jokes. It is that attitude toward being alive without which you would long ago have jumped off the 59th Street Bridge.
Michael Shurtleff
#12. You know, Ham," Breeze noted. "The only funny thing about your jokes is how often they lack any humor whatsoever.
Brandon Sanderson
#13. They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse
#14. There is something about being a director where, for me personally, I get to ... it's the closest I'll ever come to being able to be a stand up. And to use my particular sense of humor, and hear people laughing, without me having to stand up in front of an audience and tell jokes.
Barry Sonnenfeld
#15. It's a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody's expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at everyone's expense.
Richard Kalvar
#16. Life would be perfect if monster would stop farting.
David Chuka
#17. I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.
Dick Gregory
#18. I've always had a bawdy sense of humor. My father was a traveling salesman and he would bring jokes home. He would say, "Honey, you can take this one to school, but you can't take that one to school."
Betty White
#19. I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Steven Wright
#20. But marrying within one's own family can get monotonous. One has heard all the same family stories, knows all the jokes and all the same recipes. No novelty.
Margaret George
#21. I think in my case, I had no choice but to have a good sense of humor. I grew up with my dad, Danny Thomas, and George Burns and Bob Hope and Milton Berle and Sid Caesar and all those guys were at our house all the time and telling jokes and making each other laugh.
Marlo Thomas
#22. He said, "If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site." Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.
Shannon L. Alder
#23. There's nothing in the world sicker-looking than the grin of the man who's trying to join in heartily when the laugh's on him, and to pretend that he likes it.
George Horace Lorimer
#25. Humor is when the joke's on you but hits the other fellow first
before it boomerangs.
Langston Hughes
#26. We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and fell on the coffee table. Let's just say I wouldn't be winning the most graceful woman's award any time soon.
Jessica Florence
#27. I heard some interesting things about your performance up here."
"I hear interesting things about your 'performance' all the time Doug, but you don't hear me making jokes about it.
Richelle Mead
#28. Joke exchanges are carried on in deadly earnest, like a verbal duel-mouth-to-mouth combat. Bang, bang: you're (linguistically) dead.
David Crystal
#29. I used to wonder why people made New Jersey jokes. I don't anymore.
E.J. Copperman
#31. For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
Jim Gaffigan
#32. Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?
Rose Wynters
#33. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - and I'm not blonde either.
Dolly Parton
#34. I think I have a good sense of humor, but I'm not, like, a joke-teller. I get the jokes, which is sometimes half the battle. Believe me, I have no idea why anyone hires me ...
Mila Kunis
#35. Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear ... from my future Kids' Funny Business.
Ivan Stoikov
#36. Why, if you only knew the secrets to which I'm privy!"
"My dear Lifeblesser, please trust me when I say the I have no desire to know any secrets which involve you and a privy.
Brandon Sanderson
#37. When my muffin top makes an appearance after a dedicated weekend of pizza indulging, when I feel too tired to write and all my words sound boring, when my students aren't laughing at my jokes, I am still enough.
Michelle Elaine Kennedy
#38. A man's sexual organ is penis and woman's sexual organ is brains.
DK Publishing
#39. I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.
Michael Summers
#40. Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions
Criss Jami
#41. They say that if you're good at something, never do it for free. But who would pay me to make bad jokes?
Caleb Eversole
#42. I make jokes because humor is the greatest healing factor that there is.
Dick Dale
#43. One thing I would say is real cops have real gallows senses of humor and make incredibly funny and inappropriate jokes in the presence of dead people all the time.
Daniel J. Goor
#44. I need a woman to have a quirky sense of humor. There's a bunch of jokes I use, and if she doesn't get them, she's probably not for me.
Matthew Perry
#45. Though she would never admit it to polite Society, Lady Georgette Thorold hated brandy almost as much as she hated husbands. So it was the cruelest of jokes when she awoke with nary a clue to her surroundings, smelling like one and pressed up against the other.
Jennifer McQuiston
#46. For every ten jokes - thou hast got an hundred enemies ...
Laurence Sterne
#47. Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..
Honeya
#48. If you're going to have a book full of clever people and nobody ever jokes, it's just not going to ring true to the reader. That said, humor writing is the hardest kind of writing there is.
Patrick Rothfuss
#49. People have lost their sense of humor. In former times, we constantly made jokes about different races.
Clint Eastwood
#51. A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Magdalen Braden
#52. And keep a sense of humor. It doesn't mean you have to tell jokes. If you can't think of anything else, when you're my age, take off your clothes and walk in front of a mirror. I guarantee you'll get a laugh.
Art Linkletter
#53. Seinfeld has his way of telling jokes - and I'm not comparing myself to Seinfeld, his genius is observing the small details of everyday life and finding humor in it.
Nick Kroll
#54. I had a dream about you last night... we tried to joke but neither could make any sense. We realized that puns are present in every language, though not shared by any of them.
Marshall Ramsay
#55. It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
Rick Riordan
#56. The only time when i realize that i use a car, which is a "Luxury", is when i go to the fuel station to refuel it.
Honeya
#57. Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
Robert Frost
#58. But a system made secure by the protective plating of humor and pretense always runs the risk of having its protection get out of hand. A relationship based on jokes invites jokes; jokes about anything
and jokes about anything are now and then bound to cut too close to the truth.
Ken Kesey
#59. I've always littered my songs with jokes. You might need to dig a little deeper to find the humor, but I would totally object to being some kind of distraught personality. I've never tried to attach myself to that.
Cass McCombs
#60. The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies ... I'm not really a lawyer.
Tina Fey
#61. Sometimes I come across as superficial. Of this I am aware. However, you may be confident that inside my head I am forever plumbing new shallows, finding novel ways to express the obvious, reheating old jokes.
John Dolan
#62. Leo," Jason said, "you're weird."
"Yeah, you tell me that a lot." Leo grinned. "But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes ... !
Rick Riordan
#63. I use a lot of humor, and I follow the saying that if you want to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh first, otherwise, they will shoot you. So I can tell you a joke and maybe you will laugh at the beginning. But it's not about telling jokes.
Sayed Kashua
#64. When he wasn't making quirky jokes about his mother like this - it happened more than once - he mainly spoke at me, about his job and about his band, Jettisoned Airplane, an electronic music duo, which had been formed in March, inspired by the plane that had gone missing and not yet been found.
Olivia Sudjic
#65. Even one person's misunderstanding [of a blue joke] may not be worth the next guy's laugh.
Penn Jillette
#66. Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives.
Robert Collier
#67. It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.
Robert Orben
#68. Gabriel jokes, "If they find out Blondine got the last of the bread there'll be murder."
Nesbitt says, "If that's true I'll murder her myself.
Sally Green
#69. Words could betray you if you chose the wrong ones, or mean less if you used too many. Jokes could be grandly miscalculated, or stories deemed boring, and I'd learned early on that my sense of humor and ideas about what sorts of things were fascinating didn't exactly overlap with my friends'.
Robyn Schneider
#71. Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
Washington Irving
#72. I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.
Ann Coulter
#73. And spare me the jokes about scoring."
"Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?"
"It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts."
"So, ninety-five percent of the time.
Cassandra Clare
#74. A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending their feeling of disbelief. It might piss a few people off, but I can't help it.
Michael Showalter
#75. Your sense of humor needs some work, then,' Wesley suggested. 'Most girls find my jokes charming.'
'Those girls must have IQs low enough to trip over.
Kody Keplinger
#77. Twitter is the place where I try to be more funny. And then I use Instagram just as my diary. I pull some jokes on there, but I think people have a better sense of humor on Twitter.
Gigi Hadid
#78. Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.
Carol Burnett
#79. What's so funny?" Bella mumbled.
"I got food in her hair," I told her, chortling again.
"I'm not going to forget this, dog," Rosalie hissed.
"S'not so hard to erase a blond's memory," I countered. "Just blow in her ear."
Get some new jokes, "Rosalie snapped.
Stephenie Meyer
#80. A good joke doesn't necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one's own deserving jokes.
Pawan Mishra
#81. I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel.
James C. Humes
#82. I love practical jokes and humor. That there's frankly no joke that I don't think is funny. I love practical jokes, but I don't like being scared.
Mitt Romney
#83. All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness.
Tui T. Sutherland
#84. Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!
Terry Pratchett
#85. Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.
Mark Twain
#86. I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap'n Crunch and I'd have to take a nap.
M.J. McGuire
#87. A sign read "Free drinks for billiards competitors only." Hand-lettered below read "All others will pay." It was written in blood. I could tell because a red fairy with what looked like black insect wings was writing it at the time, with his own dismembered finger.
Red Tash
#88. My rugrats give me gifts that say "#1 Mom" on them and I'm like, bwhahahahaha, joke's on you, I'm more like the #1,297,279 Mom. But they truly think I'm the best mom on earth. And that's all that matters.
Karen Alpert
#89. The primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.
G.K. Chesterton
#90. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
Mitch Hedberg
#91. Jokes are ideally pleasurable. They are an act of assassination without a corpse, a moment of total annihilation that paradoxically makes anything possible.
Penelope Gilliatt
#92. I'm a bug on acting, which distinguishes Second City from a lot of other revues. It comes from the character, the behavior, and not from the jokes. I don't think jokes are funny. Humor comes out of character and out of situations the character is in.
Bernard Sahlins
#93. I don't think I could ever do a network sitcom because the humor is often based on some trite circumstance. I don't want to be a part of a show where it's mostly about coming up with the jokes.
Sherilyn Fenn
#94. Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.
John Flanagan
#95. He had a curiously stunted sense of humor and loved practical jokes that veered dangerously close to cruelty. Once on a hot day he filled a friend's water jug with kerosene and mirthfully stood by as the friend took a mighty swig. The friend ended up in the hospital.
Bill Bryson
#96. 'The Sopranos' is filled with really retrograde humor. Bathroom humor, falls, stupid puns, bad jokes - infantile, adolescent stuff, but it makes me laugh.
David Chase
#97. Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.
Garrison Keillor
#98. Lori sat way back in her chair and gave him the once-over. What in the world's gotten into Ben Lawson? jokes? Flirting? Maybe I should sleep with Molly. I think she's got a magic hooha.
Victoria Dahl
#99. Why was the meeting between the Americans and the Russians so tensed?
Because nobody knows what Vladimir Put In Barbara's Bush!
From 'Walk On By II
Stephan Attia
#100. Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener.
Dick Masterson
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
