Top 100 Humor Is Quotes
#1. There are times when I love to play all kinds of complicated games in painting. But this is one case when I need to be fairly straightforward. I'll just try to paint the man, his intelligence, his amiability and his stature, maybe paint him fairly close to humor and try to get it just right.
Nelson Shanks
#2. He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Mae West
#3. Being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness.
Wendy Wasserstein
#4. The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology's only credible conspiracy.
Bauvard
#5. I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
Stephen Colbert
#6. To me, humor is part of a conversation with an audience.
Scott Avett
#7. Mia: I was sixteen when I first realized my mom was more concerned about my appearance than I was ... I'll be talking to my mom and realize she hasn't heard a word because she's studying my face to see if the foundation I'm using is a good match for my skin tone.
Mia Fontaine
#8. You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
Ellen DeGeneres
#9. Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly.
Melissa Jo Peltier
#10. All three combined is ... a different kind of stupid formerly unheard of by humankind.
Veronica Roth
#11. Well, the only logical explanation is that all of my clothes shrunk!
Van Krishna
#12. If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
Mitch Hedberg
#13. As an adult, getting paid thousands of dollars a week to say, "Aye, Sir. Course laid in" is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked.
Wil Wheaton
#14. True humor is fun - it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together.
Hugh Prather
#15. British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
Peter Ustinov
#16. It is also important to guard against mistaking for good-nature what is properly good-humor,
a cheerful flow of spirits and easy temper not readily annoyed, which is compatible with great selfishness.
Richard Whately
#18. This Force, by troth, I'll never comprehend!
It doth control and also doth obey?
And 'tis within and yet it is beyond,
'Tis both inside and yet outside one's self?
What paradox! What fickle-natur'd pow'r!
Aye: frailty, thy name
belike
is Force.
Ian Doescher
#20. Hospitality is the act of making people feel at home - when you wish they were.
Renee Garrison
#21. Smoking is extremely hazardous to you and those around you it said on the label. He glanced around. The few termites that might thrive down here could probably handle it.
Jussi Adler-Olsen
#22. It's a time-honored truism of diplomacy that the most resented epithet is the one most accurately depicting the deficiencies of the recipient.
Keith Laumer
#23. (Hadrian Blackwater while poisoned) Gill the fish ... rest is best ... time is now ... it feels so good to ...
Michael J. Sullivan
#24. Let destiny change you,but never change your destiny,for what God has given you is the best
Philosophical Library
#25. But the main reason you should read this is that I don't see why I should have to know all these terrible, terrible things and you should get off scot free.
David Strorm
#26. Humor is how you change people's opinions, and if you can make someone laugh, they'll listen, even if they hate you.
John Waters
#27. It is always dangerous when your enemy has a sense of humor. Ask Batman.
Ian McDonald
#28. My daughter breaks both her wrists jumping off of a swing. Her friend, who is five, told her to jump off of it. I promise nothing will happen, she said. But why did she promise that? she wails later at the hospital.
Jenny Offill
#29. Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have died a horrible death with a really surprised look on his face.
Lisa Shearin
#30. He's got _go_, anyhow.'
Certainly, he's got go,' said Gudrun. 'In fact I've never seen a man that showed signs of so much. The unfortunate thing is, where does his _go_ go to, what becomes of it?
D.H. Lawrence
#31. In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.
J. Robert Oppenheimer
#32. Statistically speaking, there is a 65 percent chance that the love of your life is having an affair. Be very suspicious.
Scott Dikkers
#33. Though we say, Love is something that knows no boundary and needs no agreement but Money can do everything ...
Ranu Das
#34. You hear more than enough of married people living together miserably. Here is an example to the contrary. Let it be a warning to some of you, and an encouragement to others. In the meantime, I will go on with my story.
Wilkie Collins
#36. A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
Mark Twain
#37. I know I only want him,' she said between sobs, the syllables all wrong, 'because he doesn't want me. How is that even possible?'
'It's normal to want what we can't have,' I said soothingly.
'No, I mean how can he not want me?
Olivia Sudjic
#38. Well, the only reason we're friends is because you can rock a tweed suit," she informed, tone mock serious. "So if you want to keep me around, I expect more tweed.
Laura Kreitzer
#39. If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.
Peter Debye
#40. His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
Henny Youngman
#41. I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy.
George Takei
#42. Humor is anger that was sent to finishing school.
Richard Peck
#43. Some people are commended for a giddy kind of good-humor, which is as much a virtue as drunkenness.
Alexander Pope
#44. If you were to gather all the minutes wasted on insignificant, immaterial yik yak spent throughout the day and add them up, how much misspent time do you think you'd have? One hour? Two hours? Consider the sunk cost on that. It's unacceptable. One minute wasted is one minute too much.
Ari Gold
#45. Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant.
Washington Irving
#46. Isabelle is like a warrior going into battle and she needs ... you said yes? You'd really choose an inexperienced squire?" she asked, her voice incredulous.
He laughed. "I would."
She smiled. "You're lying to me to make me feel better. It's all right. It's working. Now tell
me another lie.
Julie Garwood
#48. While this might seem a bit abstract, these numbers are not arbitrary. They are symbols, which represent pieces of paper, which represent pieces of gold. Gold doesn't represent anything; its value is inherent in its glitter.
Colin MacLaughlin
#49. A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.
George Bernard Shaw
#50. New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long.
Bill Maher
#51. There is such a thing as a hatred of lies and dissimulation, which is the outcome of a delicate sense of humor; there is also the selfsame hatred but as the result of cowardice, in so far as falsehood is forbidden by Divine law. Too cowardly to lie.
Friedrich Nietzsche
#52. But, I tell myself, Weight is just an artifact of gravity. If this were a jazz club on the moon, I would weigh less.
Weike Wang
#53. Slaying dragons, melting witches, and banishing demons is all fun and games until someone loses a sidekick - then it's personal. The bad guy isn't just the "bad guy" anymore, he's the BAD GUY!
Michael J. Sullivan
#54. That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired.
George W. Bush
#55. But of course, all of this is just a silly fad, and when you add an "e" to fad, you get fade. And I predict this fad will fade.
Andrew Clements
#56. How to get in trouble #43: I was once caught staring at a woman's breasts, when she asked "why do you keep staring on my breasts?", I replied with "because your face is ugly
Haresh Daswani
#57. It is true there are more important things than dinner, but it is difficult to keep those things in mind when you haven't had dinner.
Lemony Snicket
#58. The fact that mammalian crying serves as a cue for maternal support, rather than as a dinner bell, is a major evolutionary difference.
Matthew D. Lieberman
#59. Real love is on the inside. It's somebody you have a common ground with, you share the same values, you share the same interests, you share the same humor, you share all those things that are things that will last you the rest of your life.
George Lucas
#60. When this is over we will see who is right, and who is dead.
William Goldman
#61. Why is It called breaKing news cause it might break your heart or mIndset
Efiba Progress
#62. I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
Natasha Leggero
#64. There are two Newman's laws. The first one is "It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down." The second is "Just when things look darkest, they go black.
Paul Newman
#66. If this is where you ask me to run around in my birthday suit, I'm not entirely comfortable with that, I said, smirking.
Laura Kreitzer
#67. With Angela drawn to the hangdog look and Malachy lonely after three months in jail, there was bound to be a knee-trmbler.
A knee-trmbler is the act itself done up against a wall, man and woman up on their toes, straining so hard their knees tremble with the excitement that's in it.
Frank McCourt
#68. Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!
Jenny Lawson
#69. That moment you finish a book, look around, and realize that everyone else is just getting on with their lives as though you didn't just experience emotional trauma at the hands of a paperback
Anonymous
#70. I think the scariest person in the world is the person with no sense of humor.
Michael J. Fox
#71. Yeah. I told you he was crazy, right? I heard he does some weird stuff at home, too.' He said it with a conspiratorial stage whisper. 'Like mowing his lawn, and trimming his peonies.'
'Peonies?' I balked. 'God, he really is a freak.
Francesca Zappia
#72. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
John M. Gottman
#73. Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes.
Julia Child
#75. Dying is easy, getting the dental floss off your finger and into the trash is hard.
Gregor Collins
#76. The question is never "Should I be annoyed?" but "How annoyed should I be?
Sloane Crosley
#77. Self-pity is the hens' besetting sin," remarked Mr. Payton. "Foolish fowl. How they came to achieve anything as perfect as the egg I do not know! I cannot fathom.
Elizabeth Enright
#78. There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.
Eva Hoffman
#79. Chomsky is a pencil-and-paper theoretician who wouldn't know Jabba the Hutt from the Cookie Monster,
Steven Pinker
#80. America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.
Bill Maher
#81. Humor in a relationship is so important. Many women will say that. Some say, 'If they can make you laugh, it's the sexiest thing on earth.'
Helen Mirren
#82. 'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.'
Kim Fielding
#83. Waiting for the right time is for people who have time!
Anonymous
#84. There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)
Gerard De Marigny
#85. Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world. Constantly color your picture gray, and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor, and your picture begins to lighten up.
Allen Klein
#86. What you see on stage is pretty much the way I am ... a dry sense of humor.
Bob Newhart
#87. Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!
Roald Dahl
#88. I really hate that I need my glasses while using my laptop. What I hate even more is that I need those glasses to be full of vodka at all times.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#89. So, in conclusion, that is the moral of Heidi. 'Always push invalid chairs off the top of mountains when you get the opportunity.' The end. Excellent advice.
Louise Rennison
#90. Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
Paul Dickson
#91. Humor is a petal on the flower of hope, and hope blossoms on the vine of faith. They have faith in each other and faith that life has meaning, and from this faith comes their indefatigable good humor, which is their greatest gift to each other - and to me.
Dean Koontz
#92. You won't be expecting forever, Annwyl. And once the twins are
here, you'll be as violently cruel and madly bloodthirsty as you always
were."
"Now you're just trying to make me feel better."
"Is it working?"
"A little.
G.A. Aiken
#93. The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
Bill Cosby
#94. But if you must know, your moon here is rather more powerful than the ones around my own world."
"The moon?" said Twoflower. "I don't under-"
"If I've got to spell it out," said the troll, testily, "I'm suffering from chronic tides.
Terry Pratchett
#95. Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
#96. A female dragon's tail is of the utmost importance to her. Male dragons find them irresistible. After all where do you think the term 'Getting some tail' came from?
Sully Tarnish
#98. The only thing altruism will get you here is a boot stomping on your head.
Henry Mosquera
#99. It's difficult to see the glass ceiling because it's made of glass. Virtually invisible. What we need is for more birds to fly above it and shit all over it, so we can see it properly.
Caitlin Moran
#100. An uncontrolled sense of humor is often costly in business.
William Feather
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