Top 100 Humor Coffee Quotes
#1. I had two cups of coffee, put Eric's jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen.
Charlaine Harris
#2. To begin ... To begin ... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin. Okay, so I need to establish the themes. Maybe a banana-nut. That's a good muffin.
Charlie Kaufman
#3. I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see things, or experience things, that make me go, "Huh, maybe that's a bit."
Brian Regan
#4. Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way.
"It's three thirty in the morning."
"Okay. Want coffee?
Darynda Jones
#5. I decipher the brewing machine because I am, after all, trained to save lives, and this is a life-or-death situation. We need coffee. Now. Or heads will roll.
Lisa Wingate
#7. I put ten sugar cubes in my coffee. I drank it through my tongue, and my blood sang like the Archangel Gabriel as the sugar flooded in. That can't be natural
David Mitchell
#8. Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
Terry Pratchett
#9. If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker.
Melissa Haag
#10. If my life was pulled into the pages of a book, there would be coffee stains and wrinkles along the lines of that narrative. Because all I can wish is that the book of my life would be well read and well loved. Living within words and the sound of writing.
F.K. Preston
#11. After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.
Darynda Jones
#12. I had a boyfriend who told me I'd never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I'd fail. I said to him, 'Someday, when we're not together, you won't be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
Lady Gaga
#13. We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and fell on the coffee table. Let's just say I wouldn't be winning the most graceful woman's award any time soon.
Jessica Florence
#14. She didn't know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she'd ever tasted.
Rachel Caine
#15. But how was she supposed to ask him?
Hey, can I get your number?
Maybe we can get coffee?
Do you want to have hot dirty sex with me? 'Cause I want to have hot dirty sex with you.
Toni Aleo
#16. People are always doing studies. Now there's one that says drinking coffee can lead to the prevention of memory loss in old age. This is terrible news. Drinking coffee is my greatest pleasure in life. That, and forgetting.
Ariel Leve
#17. Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee?" Tess asked.
"Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation.
Frankie Rose
#18. Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry
#19. A woman with long, blonde hair stood for a moment on the other side of the door. She looked similar to his date. Was she entering or leaving the coffee house?
Before Paul could confirm her identity or stand and run after her, she strode away and disappeared in the crowd.
Cheryl Sterling
#20. Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
Jean Kerr
#21. I like my coffee like I like myself ... making rustling noises inside a burlap bag
Josh Stern
#22. Pretending to drink coffee was similar to faking an orgasm.
Darynda Jones
#23. Tea? Good God, no. It's mud. How the British ever built an empire drinking the filthy stuff is beyond me. And if we carry on drinking it, I've no doubt that the empire won't last much longer. No, a civilized person drinks coffee.
Charlie Higson
#24. Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of my productivity
-T-SHIRT
Darynda Jones
#25. Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.
Karen Salmansohn
#26. I don't care if we're on our way to look at the dismembered corpse of the pope, I want coffee.
D.D. Barant
#28. Moist had seen the Falls before and that's just what they were ... falls. Pretty good falls by the standard of falls, but once you'd looked at them for a few minutes undoubtedly someone would say; 'Where can we get a coffee around here?
Terry Pratchett
#29. You see, at young age I had known how bitter taste like and it all started with a cup of brewed coffee.
Ymatruz
#31. The simple act of sitting here sipping this cappuccino is its own testament to my commitment to living the writer's life. Which is to say: doing nothing but doing it exceedingly well.
Sol Luckman
#32. Yemen produces coffee, Egypt cotton, Iraq dates, Palestine oranges, and Syria trouble.
John Gunther
#33. The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way - contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#34. The job market, however, proved distressingly uncooperative. All of the local barista positions had been filled by more enterprising philosophy majors, and Arthur lacked the skills to do much beyond make a cup of coffee.
J. Zachary Pike
#35. What doesn't KILL me makes me stronger ... Except for the extinction of COFFEE ... that might kill me.
Tanya Masse
#36. These days, "getting lucky" means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it's still HOT!
Tanya Masse
#37. I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen.
Gary Larson
#38. I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.
Crystal Woods
#39. When the girl sitting at the next table looked away from a moment, Dirk leaned over and took her coffee. He knew that he was perfectly safe doing this because she would simply not be able to believe that this had happened.
Douglas Adams
#41. Let's get a cup of coffee and maybe a blowjob in the bathroom.
Christina Lauren
#42. Cody had said it was magic, and had told me not to ask any questions lest I anger the wee daemons inside who make the gloves work and our coffee taste good
Brandon Sanderson
#43. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
#44. Bob poured and brought two cups over, hardly rattling them on the saucers. "Drink up. This should restore your inner bitch." Bailey scowled at him. "See?" he said. "It's working already, and all you've had is fumes.
Mark All
#45. Violet, Kevin, the crowd, and my annoying father would all just have to wait while I ate half that torte and drank half that coffee.
Violet, however, was a multitasker.
Devon Monk
#46. As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?
Cassandra Clare
#47. Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Terry Pratchett
#48. I talk better when I'm drinking coffee." "Me, too. If by coffee you mean beer, and by better you mean louder.
D.D. Barant
#49. I realized I was officially a professional writer when all my plans began with "drink coffee" and ended with "take a nap.
Cassandra Duffy
#50. COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up!
Tanya Masse
#51. I poured some coffee into a mug that read: "I'm not gay, but my ex-boyfriend is," compliments of Peyton
Sandi Lynn
#52. If you had a daily printout from the brain of an average twenty-four-year-old male, it would probably go like this: sex, need coffee, sex, traffic, sex, sex, what an asshole, sex, ham sandwich, sex, sex, etc
Kate White
#53. In the U.S. there are two types of hipsters: those who know how to program and those who serve coffee.
Cesar Hidalgo
#54. I looked up to find a slim blond figure standing in the doorway to the kitchen. For a frozen second, I looked at him and he looked at me, and then I screamed and threw my coffee, which hit him square in the groin.
Karen Chance
#55. Looks like I missed a party. Good. I wasn't really in the mood to off demons this evening. Haven't had my coffee yet. (Jared)
You drink coffee? (Stryker)
No, but it was my pathetic attempt at humor. (Jared)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#56. I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read "12 reasons not to drink coffee". I knew we would get along.
Melody Sohayegh
#57. A companion on a caffeine high will wake me up just as well, without the aftertaste.
Jodi Meadows
#58. Beer is my coffee.
Moi
#59. The first step to achieving all your goals is getting out of bed. Coffee and toast are optional.
Peter James West
#60. And thus Charles found himself wandering around a hotel, trailing federal agents as he held a cardboard coffee cup holder in each hand, instead of out killing misbehaving werewolves.
Patricia Briggs
#61. The three women laughing over there? Dark wavy hair, coffee skin, and beautiful matching sets of big, lovely - "
I slapped him on the arm.
"Hey. Eyes. I was going to say eyes. What were you thinking?
Devon Monk
#63. 'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'
Kim Fielding
#64. Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:
1. To kiss
2. To sip coffee
Too bad both are a luxury.
Saleem Sharma
#65. I'm so good at my job the law thinks I'm three different hit men and a serial killer. I speak Russian and French, I never had a pet, and the reason why you hate my coffee is that it's decaf.
J. Fally
#66. Three weeks hadn't changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable.
She was thrilled to be back.
J.D. Robb
#67. Claire to Tony: I know you enjoy coffee, I'd offer you some. But, the last time I got you coffee, it didn't work out so well for me.
Aleatha Romig
#68. A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... "
Emo Philips
#69. Asking me to do ANYTHING before I've had my first cup of coffee should be an episode on 1000 Ways to DIE.
Tanya Masse
#70. Will you go out with me for a cup of coffee?" "No." "No?" "I prefer tea, thank you.
Padma Venkatraman
#71. I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.
Ryan Lilly
#72. I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how
wonderful it was.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#74. The waited stopped by and Nathan order a cup of coffee.
"No cake?" I asked, surprised.
He patted his flat stomach. "Trying to watch my figure."
I laughed. "Whatever, Captain Skittles.
Elicia Hyder
#75. I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can ... and WINE to help me accept the things I can't!
Tanya Masse
#76. I don't see the point in caffeine without coffee. Or coffee without caffeine, for that matter, I informed him.
Robyn Schneider
#77. I'd like to THANK whoever saw a
bunch of cherries and thought ...
HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them "BEANS", smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!
Tanya Masse
#78. May the words come easy, the doubt be weak, and the coffee strong enough to eat through steel. (I don't drink coffee...but I understand most authors do, and they like it with a bit of fight in it.) Now, let us boot up, sit down, and accrue those daily page counts!
G. Allen Cook
#79. Somewhat mollified by certain cups of very good coffee, he came out smiling and talking, in tolerably restored humor.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
#80. Sometimes, just sit down and have a cup of coffee with yourself. That can be a cool experience - of hanging out with yourself.
Art Hochberg
#81. Considering the number of ghastly love poems that had been written and which seemed fairly clearly a waste of everyone's time, Jonathan couldn't help but be surprised that coffee hadn't been thus immortalized.
James P. Blaylock
#82. Uh, puedo hablar con Andrew Nelson, por favor?" I asked, feeling like an idiot.
"Quien?"
"El americano," I explained. "Muy grande americano."
In trying to describe my father, I sounded like I was ordering coffee. But it worked.
Kate Klise
#83. Cookie&Charley Coffee moments:
"You did your dishes with shampoo?"
"It was either that or my apricot body scrub."
"No, good call. A little shampoo won't hurt you.
Darynda Jones
#84. I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.
Brian Andreas
#85. I'll let you in on a secret. I don't drink coffee."
I genuinely gasped in horror. "The devil you say. Java is the nectar of the gods. I don't know if I can be with a man who doesn't drink coffee." I knew there was something sinister about him. I had no idea it would be that bad.
Charlie Cochet
#86. Dora appeared, placing Alex's coffee in front of him."Your girlfriend is a wonder, honey,"she siad to him, squeezing willows shoulder. Willow's smile turned strained at the word "girlfriend. He could see her wanting to correct the woman and then deciding to let it pass.
L.A. Weatherly
#87. As the sign over the cash register made clear, the three ways you could get your coffee at Chester's were sweetened, unsweetened, and somewhere else.
Amor Towles
#88. It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.
Mindy Levy
#89. Well, I've almost got the problem licked. I'm eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I'll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee)
J. Golden Kimball
#90. If I could get hold of something nasty and drop it in the coffee urn, I could poison them all."
"Too bad your personality's not water-soluble.
Jesse Hajicek
#91. Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.
Ankita Singhal
#92. If you asked why the post had not come, or why the boat did not sail for England, or why your coffee was cold, or why your boots were not cleaned, or why your window was shut, or why the canary didn't sing,-you would always be sure to be told, c'est la guerre!
Louise Mack
#93. That was rather interesting,' Mercer said as he filled his coffee mug and passed the thermal carafe to John. 'What do you say for dinner? Blessed be the serial killers, or else the devil would have no one to torment.
Lynn Viehl
#94. At 5.45 a.m. the important scientists finished their coffee and played rock paper scissors to see who had to phone the government.
Mitch Benn
#95. I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.
Ryan Lilly
#96. Dahling, they've always hated me, but this has to be the final nail in the coffee. They're jealous because their mother gave me her diamond pendulum on my wedding day. Now they're demanding it back. They hound me day and night. My God, it's like they have channel vision.
Delora Dennis
#97. Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can't see a damn thing before having coffee.
Aleksandra Ninkovic
#98. Nat: Maybe you broke something.
Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down!
Nat: Ah, it's nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That's the system. Two years old, you stand up and then BOOM! seventy years later, you fall down again.
Herb Gardner
#99. I hate when I'm not done with my cup but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#100. Cops before breakfast. Before coffee even. As if Mondays weren't bad enough.
Josh Lanyon
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