Top 100 Coffee Humor Quotes
#1. Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of my productivity
-T-SHIRT
Darynda Jones
#2. He went to the coffee pot and picked it up, attempting to pour a cup before he realized it was empty and frowned. "Why is the rum always gone?" he muttered in his best Captain Jack Sparrow imitation as he riffled through cabinets.
Elizabeth Sharp
#3. We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and fell on the coffee table. Let's just say I wouldn't be winning the most graceful woman's award any time soon.
Jessica Florence
#4. I had two cups of coffee, put Eric's jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen.
Charlaine Harris
#5. But how was she supposed to ask him?
Hey, can I get your number?
Maybe we can get coffee?
Do you want to have hot dirty sex with me? 'Cause I want to have hot dirty sex with you.
Toni Aleo
#6. People are always doing studies. Now there's one that says drinking coffee can lead to the prevention of memory loss in old age. This is terrible news. Drinking coffee is my greatest pleasure in life. That, and forgetting.
Ariel Leve
#7. Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee?" Tess asked.
"Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation.
Frankie Rose
#8. Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry
#9. A woman with long, blonde hair stood for a moment on the other side of the door. She looked similar to his date. Was she entering or leaving the coffee house?
Before Paul could confirm her identity or stand and run after her, she strode away and disappeared in the crowd.
Cheryl Sterling
#10. Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?
Jean Kerr
#11. I like my coffee like I like myself ... making rustling noises inside a burlap bag
Josh Stern
#12. Pretending to drink coffee was similar to faking an orgasm.
Darynda Jones
#13. Tea? Good God, no. It's mud. How the British ever built an empire drinking the filthy stuff is beyond me. And if we carry on drinking it, I've no doubt that the empire won't last much longer. No, a civilized person drinks coffee.
Charlie Higson
#14. They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?
John Swartzwelder
#15. You'd have coffee on a drip if you could, wouldn't you?
Kristina Adams
#16. Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can't make coffee.
Karen Salmansohn
#17. When the girl sitting at the next table looked away from a moment, Dirk leaned over and took her coffee. He knew that he was perfectly safe doing this because she would simply not be able to believe that this had happened.
Douglas Adams
#18. I'd like to THANK whoever saw a
bunch of cherries and thought ...
HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them "BEANS", smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!
Tanya Masse
#19. May the words come easy, the doubt be weak, and the coffee strong enough to eat through steel. (I don't drink coffee...but I understand most authors do, and they like it with a bit of fight in it.) Now, let us boot up, sit down, and accrue those daily page counts!
G. Allen Cook
#20. Somewhat mollified by certain cups of very good coffee, he came out smiling and talking, in tolerably restored humor.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
#21. Sometimes, just sit down and have a cup of coffee with yourself. That can be a cool experience - of hanging out with yourself.
Art Hochberg
#22. Considering the number of ghastly love poems that had been written and which seemed fairly clearly a waste of everyone's time, Jonathan couldn't help but be surprised that coffee hadn't been thus immortalized.
James P. Blaylock
#23. Uh, puedo hablar con Andrew Nelson, por favor?" I asked, feeling like an idiot.
"Quien?"
"El americano," I explained. "Muy grande americano."
In trying to describe my father, I sounded like I was ordering coffee. But it worked.
Kate Klise
#24. Cookie&Charley Coffee moments:
"You did your dishes with shampoo?"
"It was either that or my apricot body scrub."
"No, good call. A little shampoo won't hurt you.
Darynda Jones
#25. I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either.
Brian Andreas
#26. Just fuck me up.
A caffeine-addict placing an order with the barista.
Julie Johnson
#27. Bob poured and brought two cups over, hardly rattling them on the saucers. "Drink up. This should restore your inner bitch." Bailey scowled at him. "See?" he said. "It's working already, and all you've had is fumes.
Mark All
#28. Violet, Kevin, the crowd, and my annoying father would all just have to wait while I ate half that torte and drank half that coffee.
Violet, however, was a multitasker.
Devon Monk
#29. As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?
Cassandra Clare
#30. Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Terry Pratchett
#31. I talk better when I'm drinking coffee." "Me, too. If by coffee you mean beer, and by better you mean louder.
D.D. Barant
#32. I realized I was officially a professional writer when all my plans began with "drink coffee" and ended with "take a nap.
Cassandra Duffy
#33. COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up!
Tanya Masse
#34. She didn't know what Liam made his coffee with, but it had to be magical sparkles and crack beans, because it was the most delicious stuff she'd ever tasted.
Rachel Caine
#35. To begin ... To begin ... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. Coffee and a muffin. Okay, so I need to establish the themes. Maybe a banana-nut. That's a good muffin.
Charlie Kaufman
#36. I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see things, or experience things, that make me go, "Huh, maybe that's a bit."
Brian Regan
#37. Coffee or orange juice?"
"Water is fine."
His eyebrows went up.
"Uh-oh," Auriele said, but she was smiling.
Darryl was not. "Are you implying that my coffee is not the best in four counties? Or my fresh-squeezed orange juice is less than perfect?
Patricia Briggs
#38. Want coffee?" I asked, as I headed that way.
"It's three thirty in the morning."
"Okay. Want coffee?
Darynda Jones
#39. I'll let you in on a secret. I don't drink coffee."
I genuinely gasped in horror. "The devil you say. Java is the nectar of the gods. I don't know if I can be with a man who doesn't drink coffee." I knew there was something sinister about him. I had no idea it would be that bad.
Charlie Cochet
#40. I decipher the brewing machine because I am, after all, trained to save lives, and this is a life-or-death situation. We need coffee. Now. Or heads will roll.
Lisa Wingate
#42. I put ten sugar cubes in my coffee. I drank it through my tongue, and my blood sang like the Archangel Gabriel as the sugar flooded in. That can't be natural
David Mitchell
#43. Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
Terry Pratchett
#44. If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker.
Melissa Haag
#45. If my life was pulled into the pages of a book, there would be coffee stains and wrinkles along the lines of that narrative. Because all I can wish is that the book of my life would be well read and well loved. Living within words and the sound of writing.
F.K. Preston
#46. After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.
Darynda Jones
#47. Elena wondered if Michaela was waiting to be served. Snorting inwardly at the idea, she poured her own coffee - and, because she was feeling generous, and okay, maybe because she wanted to irritate Michaela - Raphael's as well. Then she put down the carafe.
Nalini Singh
#48. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
#49. Watching the couple, she silently wishes she had just cleaned out her damn coffee pot.
Solange Nicole
#50. I had a boyfriend who told me I'd never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I'd fail. I said to him, 'Someday, when we're not together, you won't be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
Lady Gaga
#51. I'm so good at my job the law thinks I'm three different hit men and a serial killer. I speak Russian and French, I never had a pet, and the reason why you hate my coffee is that it's decaf.
J. Fally
#52. Max spat his coffee out all over himself. He tried to laugh and choke at the same time and so the only thing that came out was a sputtering bark that sounded like a phlegmatic seal with a pack and a half a day Lucky Strike habit -non filtered.
Zachary J. Kitchen
#53. Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."
I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.
"They're for you."
"You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?
Holly Black
#54. Pop music is like an auditory cup of coffee. It has no nutritional value but it gets you going.
Jim Moorman
#55. A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don't later fray.
Marcia Carrington
#56. A companion on a caffeine high will wake me up just as well, without the aftertaste.
Jodi Meadows
#57. Beer is my coffee.
Moi
#58. The first step to achieving all your goals is getting out of bed. Coffee and toast are optional.
Peter James West
#59. And thus Charles found himself wandering around a hotel, trailing federal agents as he held a cardboard coffee cup holder in each hand, instead of out killing misbehaving werewolves.
Patricia Briggs
#60. The three women laughing over there? Dark wavy hair, coffee skin, and beautiful matching sets of big, lovely - "
I slapped him on the arm.
"Hey. Eyes. I was going to say eyes. What were you thinking?
Devon Monk
#62. 'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'
Kim Fielding
#63. I poured some coffee into a mug that read: "I'm not gay, but my ex-boyfriend is," compliments of Peyton
Sandi Lynn
#64. Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me.
Keri Arthur
#65. Three weeks hadn't changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable.
She was thrilled to be back.
J.D. Robb
#66. Claire to Tony: I know you enjoy coffee, I'd offer you some. But, the last time I got you coffee, it didn't work out so well for me.
Aleatha Romig
#67. The perfectly measured burr of a dispassionate detective had suddenly changed into the explosive boom of a take-no-shit street cop.
Suffice it to say, I froze.
Cleo Coyle
#68. A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... "
Emo Philips
#69. Asking me to do ANYTHING before I've had my first cup of coffee should be an episode on 1000 Ways to DIE.
Tanya Masse
#70. Will you go out with me for a cup of coffee?" "No." "No?" "I prefer tea, thank you.
Padma Venkatraman
#71. I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper.
Ryan Lilly
#72. I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how
wonderful it was.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#74. The waited stopped by and Nathan order a cup of coffee.
"No cake?" I asked, surprised.
He patted his flat stomach. "Trying to watch my figure."
I laughed. "Whatever, Captain Skittles.
Elicia Hyder
#75. I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can ... and WINE to help me accept the things I can't!
Tanya Masse
#76. Dahling, they've always hated me, but this has to be the final nail in the coffee. They're jealous because their mother gave me her diamond pendulum on my wedding day. Now they're demanding it back. They hound me day and night. My God, it's like they have channel vision.
Delora Dennis
#77. Persons of quality had devoted yester evening and much of the night to liquidating their holdings in the South Sea Company and gathering in clubs and coffeehouses to misinform one another.
Neal Stephenson
#78. Dora appeared, placing Alex's coffee in front of him."Your girlfriend is a wonder, honey,"she siad to him, squeezing willows shoulder. Willow's smile turned strained at the word "girlfriend. He could see her wanting to correct the woman and then deciding to let it pass.
L.A. Weatherly
#79. As the sign over the cash register made clear, the three ways you could get your coffee at Chester's were sweetened, unsweetened, and somewhere else.
Amor Towles
#80. It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.
Mindy Levy
#81. I don't see the point in caffeine without coffee. Or coffee without caffeine, for that matter, I informed him.
Robyn Schneider
#82. If I could get hold of something nasty and drop it in the coffee urn, I could poison them all."
"Too bad your personality's not water-soluble.
Jesse Hajicek
#83. Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.
Ankita Singhal
#84. If you asked why the post had not come, or why the boat did not sail for England, or why your coffee was cold, or why your boots were not cleaned, or why your window was shut, or why the canary didn't sing,-you would always be sure to be told, c'est la guerre!
Louise Mack
#85. The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.
Chris Kyle
#86. That was rather interesting,' Mercer said as he filled his coffee mug and passed the thermal carafe to John. 'What do you say for dinner? Blessed be the serial killers, or else the devil would have no one to torment.
Lynn Viehl
#87. At 5.45 a.m. the important scientists finished their coffee and played rock paper scissors to see who had to phone the government.
Mitch Benn
#88. I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.
Ryan Lilly
#89. Well, I've almost got the problem licked. I'm eighty now, and in a few more years, I think I'll have it completely under control. (referring to his love of coffee)
J. Golden Kimball
#90. Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can't see a damn thing before having coffee.
Aleksandra Ninkovic
#91. Nat: Maybe you broke something.
Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down!
Nat: Ah, it's nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That's the system. Two years old, you stand up and then BOOM! seventy years later, you fall down again.
Herb Gardner
#92. I hate when I'm not done with my cup but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#93. Cops before breakfast. Before coffee even. As if Mondays weren't bad enough.
Josh Lanyon
#94. Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:
1. To kiss
2. To sip coffee
Too bad both are a luxury.
Saleem Sharma
#96. If you had a daily printout from the brain of an average twenty-four-year-old male, it would probably go like this: sex, need coffee, sex, traffic, sex, sex, what an asshole, sex, ham sandwich, sex, sex, etc
Kate White
#97. In the U.S. there are two types of hipsters: those who know how to program and those who serve coffee.
Cesar Hidalgo
#98. I looked up to find a slim blond figure standing in the doorway to the kitchen. For a frozen second, I looked at him and he looked at me, and then I screamed and threw my coffee, which hit him square in the groin.
Karen Chance
#99. Looks like I missed a party. Good. I wasn't really in the mood to off demons this evening. Haven't had my coffee yet. (Jared)
You drink coffee? (Stryker)
No, but it was my pathetic attempt at humor. (Jared)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#100. I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read "12 reasons not to drink coffee". I knew we would get along.
Melody Sohayegh
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