Top 88 Humor Chocolate Quotes
#1. I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".
Demetri Martin
#2. It was 2:00 p.m., too early for wine but not for chocolate.
Andrea Hurst
#3. Hell, yeah," Steve replied, his chocolate brown eyes wide with wonder. "I love the supernatural." "Dude, we are the supernatural," Chris replied.
Jody Morse
#4. A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.
Ray Bradbury
#5. The smell was like chocolate and cookies and biscuits and gravy and everything else that was delicious. It damn near drove me crazy every time I had to touch one. I'd been fighting the cravings the way I'd never fought the urge to take drugs or get drunk.
Diana Rowland
#6. Sometimes, I feel my breath coming in shorter, quicker, spastic bursts, feel my heart threaten to thunder through my ribs, feel sweat beading on my brow ... and I know it's time to bust out those "chocolate frogs" from Harry Potter.
Shannon Celebi
#7. Hey, Mrs. Jakes, how come people can't afford new shoes or food, but they can still buy candy?" She smiled and waved him off. "Oh, people will always find a way to buy chocolate, Elliot. Chocolate is forever.
Jack C. Monroe
#8. Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.
Billy Crystal
#9. PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
I have so much to do today.
I can't possibly get it all done,
so I'm not going to start.
Chocolate Waters
#10. I'm the official unofficial reporter.
I.B. Nosey
#11. Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life.
Lois Greiman
#12. Where did you get that candy again?" Leven asked, worried.
"The pile said 'flavored'," Clover answered back, his face a chocolatey mess.
"Flavored?" Leven said exasperated. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," Clover argued. "F-l-a-w-e-d
flavored.
Obert Skye
#13. Chocolate is medicinal. I just did another study that confirms it.
Michelle M. Pillow
#14. Let's face it, a nice creamy chocolate cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me.
Audrey Hepburn
#15. Blood is really warm,
it's like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.
Ryan Mecum
#16. I hate you. I hate you so much I hope you get a severe allergic reaction to chocolate and sex.
Eden Butler
#17. Maybe she's helping him because his hands are full," Lydia suggested.
The girl kissed a trace of chocolate from the corner of his mouth.
"Or not.
Diana Peterfreund
#18. Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3
two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)
Ally Carter
#19. A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else ... even the fact that I'm on a diet.
Barbara Brooke
#20. So I left my wonderfully intelligent family and soaked myself in the bath and considered drowning myself. Then I remembered I still had chocolate cake left over from yesterday so I came back up for air. Some things are worth living for.
Cecelia Ahern
#21. Who needs men when they can have chocolate?
Who needs sex when they can have chocolate, come to that
Trisha Ashley
#22. I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."
Steven Wright
#23. I would advocate that chocolate be covered by health insurance, but that is admittedly a very French public policy perspective.
Mireille Guiliano
#26. Italians can drink hot chocolate and eat ices almost at the same time, without dying!
Aimee Dostoyevsky
#27. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Charles M. Schulz
#28. Well, good Christ, how was I supposed to know all that, Hannah? Who looks into the fine points when he's hungry? I'm eight years old and chocolate pudding happens to get me hot. All I have to do is see that deep chocolatey surface gleaming out at me from the refrigerator, and my life isn't my own.
Philip Roth
#29. Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can,
politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot.
Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,
looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips.
Tom Althouse
#30. Ah hell, this was bad. Double-chocolate-chips-to-my-hips kinda bad.
Priya Kanaparti
#31. Wendy warmed my heart, earned my trust, touched my soul, and then touched me in a lot of other places. And right after we'd slept together for the very first time she looked up at me with her chocolate-brown, trustworthy doe eyes and said, I've got herpes. I thought you should know.
Caprice Crane
#32. What's it like? Ballet school?"
"Harsh," he said. "Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly.
Cassandra Clare
#33. You're funny.' Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. 'And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.'
'Ninety percent of Eastwood's male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.
Robyn Schneider
#34. Are bacon and chocolate the foundation of a good meal? No, everybody knows
that is a deep fryer and/or gravy. However, I have long held the notion that you can't name a food that I can't improve by adding either bacon or chocolate.
Aaron Blaylock
#35. Whether it's chocolate or socks, the rule is the same; the darker the better.
Pseudonymous Bosch
#36. Humor is the chocolate chips in the ice cream of life.
Barbara Johnson
#38. The chocolate raisins tasted somewhat fishy, but Lucy didn't care-chocolate was chocolate. She changed her mind however, when she realized that the raisins were tiny fish heads.
Angie Sage
#39. What kind of person doesn't like chocolate?
Hend Hegazi
#40. Perhaps I won't marry then. Instead, you and I shall live as spinsters in a cottage by the sea. We'll burn our corsets, eat chocolate morning, noon and night and grow fat as hedgehogs.
Alyxandra Harvey
#41. Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
Robert Orben
#42. Sometimes all I need is a piece of chocolate and then I can understand you
Sharon P. Tulloch
#43. I gave the dog a last scratch and he smiled and wagged his heavy tail. He didn't look like a dog that stole and ate children. He looked like a dog that might steal chocolate-covered Easter eggs.
Richard Bradford
#45. After using a paint chart from a local DIY superstore to identify the skin tone of his penis as midnight chocolate, Miriam stayed down on one knee and offered him the citizenship he had always wanted and the middle-aged white woman he would grudgingly accept.
David F. Porteous
#46. I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read "12 reasons not to drink coffee". I knew we would get along.
Melody Sohayegh
#47. Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me.
Keri Arthur
#48. REFUSAL
When you refuse
to tell your weight
and age,
people know
you're fat and old.
Chocolate Waters
#50. You're not the only one in this relationship who loves a
challenge," he says. "And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chip
cookies warm and soft in the middle ... and without magnets glued to them.
Simone Elkeles
#51. Darlin I am sorry, please.
No Knox, get out! you know what they say about apologies?
No,
They are better said with chocolate!
Knox & Bailey, Scarred Hearts
Elizabeth Kelly
#52. The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
Mitch Hedberg
#53. Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It's like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It's like sitting in a racing car but not driving it.
Chetan Bhagat
#54. Anna's spiritual formation was relegated to cultural expressions of faith: the Christmas Baby Jesus and his gifts, the Easter risen Christ and his chocolate bunnies, and a copy of The Thorn Birds pulled from her mother's bookshelf.
Jill Alexander Essbaum
#55. As last days go, mine sucked. The last day I would have chosen - the last day I deserved - would have involved more chocolate.
Robin Wasserman
#56. As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand.
"This makes me feel like a five-year-old," I said, licking it off.
"If I ordered a sandwich at this place, do you think they'd cut the crusts off?
Mindi Scott
#58. When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow
Josh Stern
#59. There's no point in wasting calories on cheap chocolate, always opt for the darkest and richest.
Nanci Rathbun
#60. SAY EXACTLY
what you think
until you find that
no one is listening
then say
something else
Chocolate Waters
#61. There was nothing like double chocolate chip to solve the sexual problems of women everywhere.
Maggie Casper
#62. You just turned down the woman who put a marshmallow duck in your hot chocolate. I hope you feel like a real asshole now.
Rachel Vincent
#63. I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call.
Meghan Ciana Doidge
#64. I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry.
Andrea Portes
#66. (1)BEING A POET
is like opening a car door
& exposing yourself.
(2)BEING A GOOD POET
is like opening the door
& exposing the passenger
as well.
Chocolate Waters
#67. Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.
Jen Lancaster
#68. Save the Earth...it's the only planet with chocolate
Dianne Castell
#69. What with books and chocolate, there's not much else you could have in it, is there?
Dodie Smith
#70. You're missing the point! ... We could make it rain cupcakes from the sky! Raspberry-jam pies would grow on trees, and chocolate rabbits would poop chocolate buttons!
Lisa Mantchev
#71. To me, chocolate was the sole reason we on this earth.
Esi Edugyan
#72. I can't drop it. It's how I'm drawn.
I.B. Nosey
#73. If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate
Pablo
#74. The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.
Scott B. Pruden
#75. Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good.
Lora Brody
#76. THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?
You're incrediburgable
she said
which is to say
You're a little like incredible
but a lot more like a
hamburger.
Chocolate Waters
#77. You like a cracker?
What kind of cracker?
Graham, chocolate, cocoanut, whatever you want.
Maybe just a plain cracker.
I don't have plain crackers. I got graham, chocolate and cocoanut.
Alright, a graham cracker.
They're in the kitchen, in the closet.
Maybe later.
Neil Simon
#78. Don't get between me and my chocolate!
Gail Koger
#79. Christ, you could massacre half a Hindu village and still look like Peter Rabbit. What are you stuffed with?"
"Chocolate bars. And I keep six kinds of ice-cream in my icebox, when I can afford it.
Ray Bradbury
#80. Be the Chocolate
What if I want to be the bird who eats the Chocolate?
No One
#81. Don't listen to writers. They're messed up - that's why they're writers!
Chocolate Waters
#82. There were some days that deserved to be drowned at birth and everyone sent back to bed with a hot brandy, a box of chocolates and a warm, energetic companion. Today was without question one of those days.
Diana Pharaoh Francis
#83. And if we don't have Energy runes, we'll have to get our energy the old-fashioned way."
Mark looked puzzled. "Drugs?"
"Chocolate," Emma said. "I brought chocolate. Mark, where do you even come up with these things?"
Mark smiled crookedly, shrugging one shoulder. "Faerie humor?
Cassandra Clare
#84. If there's no chocolate in Heaven, I'm not going.
Jane Seabrook
#85. Grace gave her a gentle smile. You know what the answer is, don't you? Chocolate. It's always the answer, no matter the question.
Suzanne Wright
#86. It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly.
Carol Anne Dobson
#87. My fans have great senses of humor and eat too much chocolate.
Christopher Moore
#88. Let's examine what prize that is one more time; no more direct sunlight ever again, no more laughter. You get eternity, but you don't have the sense of humor to enjoy it! Also, vampires don't eat food. You never get to eat chocolate again. Ever. I'd rather die.
Justine Larbalestier
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