Neil Simon Quotes

#1. I understand. You work very hard two days a week and you need a five-day weekend. That's normal.

Neil Simon

#2. All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

Neil Simon

#3. It looks different when you're sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture.

Neil Simon

#4. I much prefer writing an original movie with the screen in mind to transferring a play to the screen.

Neil Simon

#5. I never write a play with an eye to film.

Neil Simon

#6. The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement ... Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can't have everything.

Neil Simon

#7. I don't use computers ... I'm someone who needs to see the page right away in my hand.

Neil Simon

#8. I go to see plays all the time, and whenever I see Chekhov, I'm amazed at how this Russian play strikes home to me living 100 years later in New York City. I'm drawn to him because of his way with characters and their relationships with each other.

Neil Simon

#9. Don't listen to those who say, you taking too big a chance. Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today.

Neil Simon

#10. Writing is an escape from a world that crowds me. I like being alone in a room. It's almost a form of meditation- an investigation of my own life.

Neil Simon

#11. People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?

Neil Simon

#12. There's no such thing as a sure thing. That's why they call it gambling.

Neil Simon

#13. Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

Neil Simon

#14. The first book was my first attempt at writing full-length prose.

Neil Simon

#15. I'm getting chest pains ... You give me chest pains Uncle Willie.
It's my fault you get excited.
Yes, it's your fault! I only get chest pains on Wednesdays.
So come on Tuesdays.

Neil Simon

#16. Sports is the only entertainment where, no matter how many times you go back, you never know the ending.

Neil Simon

#17. Once you start compromising your thoughts, you're a candidate for mediocrity.

Neil Simon

#18. You get attached to the way you write, and I'm attached to notebooks. That's where I really write the plays. Just two or three pages at a time, then I transfer to the typewriter and rewrite while I type.

Neil Simon

#19. Everyone thinks they can write a play; you just write down what happened to you. But the art of it is drawing from all the moments of your life.

Neil Simon

#20. Money brings some happiness. But after a certain point, it just brings more money.

Neil Simon

#21. Writers feel like a middleman, standing with pen in hand over the page. A force greater than me stands above telling me what to write. That may sound romantic, but that's how it feels.

Neil Simon

#22. You like a cracker?
What kind of cracker?
Graham, chocolate, cocoanut, whatever you want.
Maybe just a plain cracker.
I don't have plain crackers. I got graham, chocolate and cocoanut.
Alright, a graham cracker.
They're in the kitchen, in the closet.
Maybe later.

Neil Simon

#23. [Y]ou're young. Young takes care of everything.

Neil Simon

#24. [When you write a play] you walk into a forest without a knife, without a compass. But ... if you have a sense of geography, you find that you're clearing a path and getting to the right place.

Neil Simon

#25. I was constantly being dragged out of movies for laughing too loud.

Neil Simon

#26. Rewriting is when writing really gets to be fun ... In baseball you only get three swings and you're out. In rewriting, you get almost as many swings as you want and you know, sooner or later, you'll hit the ball.

Neil Simon

#27. If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet.

Neil Simon

#28. How long do you want to wait until you start enjoying life? When you're sixty-five you get social security.

Neil Simon

#29. I don't like losing the words, as you have to, when I'm asked to turn a play into a movie. It's not a matter of ego ... I'm just better able to create the character for an audience through words rather than through actions.

Neil Simon

#30. Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week. The rest doesn't count.

Neil Simon

#31. Evan Handler's new book is simply wonderful. He pulls you inside his life, and you come out his very close friend.

Neil Simon

#32. Give your mind a chance to travel through foreign languages.

Neil Simon

#33. If no one ever took risks, Michaelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.

Neil Simon

#34. When its 100 degrees in New York, it's 72 in Los Angeles. When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles it's still 72. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles.

Neil Simon

#35. I don't want to restrict the life of a play to a particular production. The original actors might leave after the first six months, and I want the play to last 30 or 40 years. You write for the character, not the actor on the stage.

Neil Simon

#36. He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Neil Simon

#37. Nathan Lane always wanted to play Oscar. When he came in the first day, he already knew his lines. He said he'd known them since he was 18.

Neil Simon

#38. Never have so many given so much for so long for so little for so few for so seldom.

Neil Simon

#39. Sure it hurts, but if you love someone, you forgive them." Blanche
Somethings you forgive, somethings you never forgive." Kate

Neil Simon

#40. You're a witness. You're always standing around watching what's happening, scribbling in your book what other people do. You have to get in the middle of it. You have to take sides. Make a contribution to the fight. Any fight. The one you believe in. Until you do, you'll never be a writer, Eugene.

Neil Simon

#41. Talent is the gift plus the passion - a desire to succeed so intense that no force on earth can stop it.

Neil Simon

#42. Once you've opened yourself up, it's best to go all the way.

Neil Simon

#43. Never underestimate the stimulation of eccentricity.

Neil Simon

#44. I LOVE living, I have some problems with my LIFE, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.

Neil Simon

#45. Standing on a ledge again. Everyone laughs at dancing monkey with the typewriter. Not for long, though.

Neil Simon

#46. New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.

Neil Simon

#47. There are two million interesting people in New York and only seventy-eight in Los Angeles.

Neil Simon

#48. Goldie Hawn is funny, sexy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, warm, and consistently sunny. Other than that, she doesn't impress me at all.

Neil Simon

#49. I don't like dating or just living with a woman. I like to create a relationship, a marriage. And almost all of my marriages have involved children, so I'm really a family man as well.

Neil Simon

#50. I don't like writing for comedians. I like writing for actors. The best comedians are the best actors.

Neil Simon

#51. I feel like writing about a time when I was probably, and think all of us are, the happiest before the obligations start in.

Neil Simon

#52. You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

Neil Simon

#53. Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

Neil Simon

#54. I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. It's either very new cheese or very old meat. - Oscar Madison, from The Odd Couple

Neil Simon