Top 100 Funny Tbh Quotes
#1. I really like 'Gladiator.' I like 'The Dark Knight.' I really liked, when I was a kid, 'U.S. Marshalls.' I like funny movies, too. 'Old School' and 'The Hangover.' 'The Hangover' was up there; I liked it.
Matthew Stafford
#2. You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners ...
Kristen Schaal
#3. I hate trying to analyze comedy in some deep way. If it gets laughs, it's funny.
Rachel Dratch
#4. I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
Bill Bailey
#5. Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree.
G.K. Chesterton
#6. Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.
Corey Ford
#7. Ask five economists and you'll get five different answers - six if one went to Harvard.
Edgar Fiedler
#8. I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.
Larry David
#9. Don't call 'em dogs. Dogs are loyal and they run after balls.
Louise Brown
#10. People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
Jim Gaffigan
#11. He slammed the door shut in Ian's face, the lock clicking into place. Ian hit it again with his fist before roaring, If I were a pervert, I'd be looking for something a damn bit more attractive than you, jackass. And definitely someone that smelled alive.
Rose Wynters
#12. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
#13. I started writing when I was 9 years old. I was like this weird kid who would just stay in my room, typing little funny magazines and drawing comic strips.
R.L. Stine
#14. If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Robin Williams
#15. A funny thing about charisma: the same people who can make you feel an inch tall can also make you feel huge, fortified, sometimes almost simultaneously.
Garth Risk Hallberg
#16. Hey guys, what did the lion say after eating the clown?" The boys stopped. One looked confused, but the other grinned. "What?" he called. "I don't know about you, but I think that tasted kind of funny.
Erin Nicholas
#17. I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
Kinky Friedman
#19. I would love to write a mystery - a romantic, funny mystery.
Cecelia Ahern
#20. You realize you've been staring at me for the past five minutes?
Catherine Doyle
#21. Funny how addiction was socially acceptable - even a status symbol - when it made people extroverts rather than introverts
Stacia Kane
#22. Every once in a while you definitely have to film someone for half an hour saying something that you do not think is funny because for the previous two hours they said a bunch of stuff that you think is really funny.
Seth Rogen
#23. It's to paint directly on the canvas without any funny business, as it were, and I use almost pure turpentine to start with, adding oil as I go along until the medium becomes pure oil. I use as little oil as I can possibly help, and that's my method.
Edward Hopper
#24. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
#25. The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.
Calvin Trillin
#26. Funny thing how when you reach out, people tend to reach right back. Best, then, to make sure your hand is open and not fisted.
Richelle E. Goodrich
#28. I've endured my entire life struggling from a split personality. The problem is that the other guy, a wise guy named (Jack) ... has always been in charge.
Timothy Pina
#29. Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down; I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.
Julia Roberts
#30. It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands, and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face, I like to say, 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.'
Garrett Hedlund
#31. Cat, hmmm? From where I sit you look more like a Kitten."
My head jerked around and I shot him an annoyed look.
Oh, I was going to enjoy this, all right.
"It's Cat," I repeated firmly. "Cat Raven."
"Whatever you say, Kitten Tweedy.
Jeaniene Frost
#33. "The twins no longer derive their sustenance from Nature's founts - in short," said Mr. Micawber, in one of his bursts of confidence, "they are weaned ... "
Charles Dickens
#34. Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players.
Rob Sheffield
#35. I have a rule: I prefer anyone who doesn't try to kill me to anyone who does. I'm funny that way.
China Mieville
#36. It may not seem funny now, because it's happening to us, but centuries from this moment, people will laugh in wonder.
Matt Taibbi
#37. All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened.
Claudia Gray
#38. Justin Timberlake is everything, and what more could you want in a person? He's funny. He's cute. He's great. He just understands. I get him and he gets me, and that's cool.
Britney Spears
#39. Billy Crystal knows how to make people laugh. He's got 30 years on stage ... there's no telling him what's funny.
Harold Ramis
#40. Bob Dole used to be really funny. Barney Frank can be kind of funny. Bob Kerrey has a good sense of humor.
Al Franken
#41. I don't dismiss the music that I was involved with, I don't think it was a joke, I don't think it was funny or a phase, I don't think it was just something I was doing back then, to me it was who I am. It connects all the way through. I don't distance myself from any of it.
Ian MacKaye
#42. Both humans and dogs love to play well into adulthood, and individuals from both species occasionally display evidence of having a conscience.
Jon Winokur
#43. It's funny, you know. The times that seem so trivial end up meaning so much.
Jeffrey Blount
#44. What I like about you is that I've never met anybody like you in my life. You've got depth and you're funny and you have a sweet, good soul." A breeze from the water passes over us, "And I admire your strength.
Augusten Burroughs
#45. This advice from a college freshman carrying a cane?"
"It's a walking stick, I'll have you know."
"Same difference."
"Hardly. It's fashion.
Danika Stone
#46. Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
Pittacus Lore
#47. How does one conquer fear, Don B.?" "One takes a frog and sews it to one's shoe," he said. "The left or the right?" Don B. gave me a pitying look. "Well, you'd look mighty funny going down the street with only one frog sewed to your shoes, wouldn't you?" he said. "One frog on each shoe.
Donald Barthelme
#49. 'Married with Children' was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.
Katey Sagal
#50. Memory is funny. Once you hit a vein the problem is not how to remember but how to control the flow.
Tobias Wolff
#51. It's funny when I hear people complain - particularly about the most fabulous parts of being a designer, like when you're getting ready to work on a show. I don't even know that I'm tired. I could stay up for six days straight! No drugs, no coffee, no nothing. I'm just so excited.
Michael Kors
#52. All of the films I'm doing are young, urban, high-concept, funny films. That's the zone where I'd like to play and have fun in.
Vir Das
#53. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
Tim Vine
#54. I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.
Jon Stewart
#55. I grew up a really shy kid, but I always surrounded myself with a lot funny people. It depends on the day - if I feel like being quiet, I will be. I'm not a complete goofball, though.
Manny Montana
#56. When I was a kid, there was no distinction between a movie about old people or young people. It was either funny or not. It was either entertaining or not. It was either exciting or not. It was either thrilling or not.
Joseph Bologna
#57. The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
Russell Howard
#59. The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick.
Murray Walker
#60. I see young quarterbacks just coming into the league, and they're throwing screens and layoffs right away. As funny as this might sound, I really learned a lot by going downfield, even in tight coverage.
Peyton Manning
#61. Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean.
Ingrid Michaelson
#62. It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware of the Dog." The all-night drugstore closed at noon.
Jackie Vernon
#63. I've seen people who are not very likeable but hilarious. I think comedians get to a point where they know they're funny, so they don't care - in the sense that they know what they're doing. They have a skill.
Ted Alexandro
#64. I've always said people say on a dramatic show, 'I was crying. It was so emotional when he went and grabbed that little girl from a burning building and handed her over to her mother.' In comedy, the best thing you can say is, 'I think it's funny.'
Bob Newhart
#65. Not one word," Kel warned. "Tobe and I have reached an understanding."
Neal's lips twitched. "Why do I feel you did most of the understanding.
Tamora Pierce
#68. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Will Rogers
#69. Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#70. He can't get broke so long as he is stuffed with money.
L. Frank Baum
#71. What I don't like is when I see stuff that I know has had a lot of improv done or is playing around where there's no purpose to the scene other than to just be funny. What you don't want is funny scene, funny scene, funny scene, and now here's the epiphany scene and then the movie's over.
Paul Feig
#72. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Steven Wright
#73. Funny, there had been a time when building things was what America did. From massive dams to towering skyscrapers, from mechanized factories to moon rockets, the nation had created, had viewed that as part of the national identity.
Marcus Sakey
#75. She says screens are the cigarettes of our age. They're toxic, and we're only going to realize the damage they're doing when it's too late.
Sophie Kinsella
#76. Being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness.
Wendy Wasserstein
#77. I know that look. What are you up to, Gwen?"
"What makes you think I'm up to something?"
The Valkyrie snorted. "You're breathing, aren't you?
Jennifer Estep
#78. Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.
Frank Zappa
#79. Boys do suck the brains out of smart girls.
K.A. Tucker
#80. I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
Steve Martin
#82. I'm a cartoonist, it's what I am at heart, so cartoons take reality and deform it and make it grotesque, you make it funny, but you alter it. If it works, it's based on reality. That's what I try to do.
Terry Gilliam
#83. If I had to pick another career, I'd be an optometrist for potatoes. That's where the money is.
Peter Wisan
#84. The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology's only credible conspiracy.
Bauvard
#85. A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.
Jennifer Lopez
#86. My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought.
Brendon Urie
#87. Teaching someone to be funny is like teaching someone to be fast. They're already fast. You're just making them faster.
Ali Farahnakian
#88. You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."
Louis C.K.
#89. Sometimes writing is like talking to a stranger who's exactly like yourself in every possible way, only to realize that this stranger is as boring as shit.
Chuck Klosterman
#90. [Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.
Virginia Woolf
#91. I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go.
Kendall Ryan
#92. I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.
Jon S. Lewis
#93. The Salton Sea is a huge dead lake south of Palm Springs. There's a town there that's the asshole of the armpit of the world. You'd fit right in.
Neal Shusterman
#94. And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up.
Nigella Lawson
#95. The way you might fear a cow sitting down in the middle of the street during rush hour, that's how I fear Canadians.
Maria Semple
#97. Growing up my mother used to tell me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Funny how I always wanted to be me.
Leona Keyoko Pink
#98. As an actor myself, the opportunity to sing and dance and be dramatic and be funny - it's really irresistible to actors. You get to show all sides of your talent.
Elizabeth Banks
#99. I'm not a big prank guy, because I don't like them done to me. I've been on movies sets where one guys goes into his trailer, and then people move the stairs, and he comes out of his trailer, and there's no stairs. That's not funny! I don't want to be that guy!
Terry Crews
#100. You should write about your life. It's kind of funny. When it's not depressing as hell.
Jeni Decker
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