Top 100 Larry David Quotes
#1. I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.
Larry David
#2. I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.
Larry David
#3. No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.
Larry David
#4. I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.
Larry David
#5. My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.
Larry David
#7. Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.
Larry David
#8. I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.
Larry David
#9. I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.
Larry David
#10. The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.
Larry David
#11. Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.
Larry David
#12. Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.
Larry David
#13. A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied
Larry David
#14. Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.
Larry David
#15. Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.
Larry David
#16. There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
Larry David
#17. If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?
Larry David
#18. I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.
Larry David
#20. I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
Larry David
#22. I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
Larry David
#23. The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear, which was so restrictive I suffered from an acute vascular disorder for days afterward.
Larry David
#24. I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.
Larry David
#25. I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.
Larry David
#26. Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.
Larry David
#27. I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.
Larry David
#28. Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.
Larry David
#29. Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.
Larry David
#30. OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.
Larry David
#31. I can't stand reading anything that I've said.
Larry David
#32. Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.
Larry David
#33. If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.
Larry David
#34. Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.
Larry David
#35. I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
Larry David
#36. I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.
Larry David
#37. I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.
Larry David
#38. Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
Larry David
#39. Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.
Larry David
#40. I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'
Larry David
#41. Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.
Larry David
#42. You know, when you do standup there are certain requirements that you have to do like you have to go on stage and when you get introduced you have to say "Hey,how ya doin'? How are ya?" I couldn't do it. It was false.
Larry David
#44. All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.
Larry David
#45. The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.
Larry David
#46. I don't like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.
Larry David
#47. Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good.
Larry David
#48. The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.
Larry David
#49. The addition of nuts in salad ... I always find to be beneficial.
Larry David
#50. Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.
Larry David
#51. In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.
Larry David
#52. It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.
Larry David
#53. Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.
Larry David
#54. When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.
Larry David
#55. My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.
Larry David
#56. I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.
Larry David
#57. I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.
Larry David
#58. I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for
twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for ... well let's say
a few dollars more.
Larry David
#59. Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!
Larry David
#60. There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.
Larry David
#61. Zero, zero belief in myself. And it's changed somewhat, but there's still a lot of that in me.
Larry David
#62. Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course
Larry David
#63. I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.
Larry David
#64. When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
Larry David
#65. If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.
Larry David
#66. I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.
Larry David
#68. You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
Larry David
#69. Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn't need therapy.
Larry David
#70. I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'
Larry David
#71. I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.
Larry David
#72. A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.
Larry David
#73. I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.
Larry David
#74. Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.
Larry David
#75. Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
Larry David
#76. I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.
Larry David
#77. I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
Larry David
#78. I just feed off the energy of the audience.
Larry David
#79. When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.
Larry David
#80. Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
Larry David
#81. Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.
Larry David
#82. I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.
Larry David
#83. I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.
Larry David
#84. I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.
Larry David
#85. A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone
Larry David
#87. I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.
Larry David
#88. It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.
Larry David
#89. I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.
Larry David
#90. My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.
Larry David
#92. Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Larry David
#93. Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair ... Change my name, just see what happens.
Larry David
#94. It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.
Larry David
#95. People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.
Larry David
#96. The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.
Larry David
#98. And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.
Larry David
#99. I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.
Larry David
#100. There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.
Larry David
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