Top 51 Funny Horse Quotes
#1. The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.
Conan O'Brien
#2. If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a Pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk ... becomes a double hawk.
Demetri Martin
#3. Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.
Alan Perlis
#4. I was not dressed crazily - I was dressed as a horse. And for a very logical and sane reason.
Diane Messidoro
#5. When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
Steven Wright
#6. For reasons that will become obvious, I call this story, "There's a Horse in My Living Room." It's about how I wound up with a horse in my living room.
June Foray
#7. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.
Cuthbert Soup
#8. I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Tommy Cooper
#9. Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?'
Lin
If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!'
Ed
Hiromu Arakawa
#10. Good Lord, that has to be the homeliest woman I have ever laid eyes on. My horse's face is better-looking.
Kathleen Bittner Roth
#11. A lot of brainless unicorns swaggering about and calling themselves educated just because they can push each other off a horse with a bit of a stick! It makes me tired.
T.H. White
#12. For many young girls, having a horse of their own ranks high on the scale of importance, right up there with breathing.
Kim Meeder
#13. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx
#15. Very funny, my lady. And that reminds me"
he pointed a finger at her
"no horse jokes."
He was making it too easy. "Ah, my lord, why the long face?"
"That's it!
Cynthia Hand
#16. What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
Jim Norton
#17. Don't mind her," Kip said to Nicki. "She's just crabby from the long ride." "Yeah, I've been riding with...I mean on...a horse's ass all day," Abbey quipped.
Shawn Keenan
#18. Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife, unless the one is about to be sold, the other to be buried.
Charles Caleb Colton
#19. And there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot's horse reverse to the earth. And by misfortune Sir Bors smote Sir Lancelot through the shield into the side ...
Thomas Malory
#20. Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!
Diane Ackerman
#21. My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
Henny Youngman
#22. Why didn't you say something sooner! I said He wasn't the only one disgusted. This is my first time on a horse. Really? Blaec said dryly, I couldn't tell. Oh just pretend its my son you're riding.
Sunny
#23. Anyway ... she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a horse who knows a goat who knows another horse-
Rick Riordan
#24. You look like a horse in a man costume
Dylan Moran
#25. I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
Bob Monkhouse
#26. The neck in front of her came up. The head swivelled 180 degrees and the horse looked at Kin with bright insectile eyes.
'YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND,' it said inside Kin's head.
'Hell!'
'THOSE ARE NOT MEANINGFUL CO-ORDINATES.
Terry Pratchett
#27. I don't think I'd volunteer to have a dick that big. How the hell did he get it to fit in his pants?
[ ... ]
Yeah, and here I thought he was figuratively a horse's ass. Who would have ever thought he actually had anatomical similarities?
Adrienne Wilder
#28. Jon Glass had vaulted over the fence and was now approaching a horse chosen by some sort of weird horse-knowledge method, or possibly because it was shiny.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#29. Renaissance cowboy/raconteur Pop Wagner ... deadpan funny ... his presence is like meeting Woody Guthrie and Will Rogers riding a single, many colored horse. Pop is a kind of 'textile genius' who is able to spin, at once, both yarn and rope.
Ron Miles
#30. A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
Bill Bailey
#31. Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless.
Dave Barry
#33. Okay okay, hold your people," she told the big horse as she started walking.
"You're not going to starve to death any time soon you know.
Kate Lattey
#34. The new French theme park based on Napoleon is named Napoleon's Bivouac, and will honor Napoleon with rides, battle reenactments, and the brutal March on Moscow ride. That's a walk-in freezer you stand in for 18 months while you try to eat a dead horse.
Peter Sagal
#35. Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
Henny Youngman
#36. A horse blanket, Mel?
I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right for me.'
Bran laughed a little unsteadly. 'Mel. A horse blanket.
Sherwood Smith
#37. It sounds like a horse,' Alice thought to herself. And an extremely small voice, close to her ear, said, 'You might make a joke on that - something about "horse" and "hoarse," you know.
Lewis Carroll
#38. As they prepared to mount, Barak's horse, a large, sturdy gray, sighed and threw a reproachful look at Hettar, and the Algar chuckled.
'What's so funny?' Barak demanded suspiciously.
'The horse said something,' Hettar replied. 'Never mind.
David Eddings
#39. Charlie said, his voice rising an octave in desperation. "I know it's ridiculous, but I keep trying to rationalise everything and it's driving me crazy. Did you spot that flying horse earlier? I found myself trying to explain it with Darwin's Theory of Evolution.
Victor Kloss
#40. Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."
Mitch Hedberg
#41. My love is sticky, like glue. I'd kill a horse just to give you some.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#42. He looks like a horse in a man costume!
Dylan Moran
#43. You're probably wondering: why were Medusa's kids a golden warrior and a winged horse? And how had they been stuck in Medusa's body all those years?Heck, I dunno. I'm just telling you how it was. You want stuff to make sense, you're in the wrong universe
Rick Riordan
#44. I think you must be some kind of a freak. Either that or you're trying to
convert me to your secret horse religion."
"Darn, you got me," she says theatrically. "You thwarted my evil plan.
Cynthia Hand
#45. How happy is the Optimist / To whom life shows its sunny side / His horse may lose, his ship may list, / But he always sees the funny side.
Phyllis McGinley
#46. Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.
Conan O'Brien
#47. Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
David Letterman
#48. Um ... is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.
Rick Riordan
#49. I'm afraid that this is me getting on my high horse now but we have yob television, yob newspapers, and funny enough whereas it was my mum and dad, school, police, church who used to set the standards, now it's tabloids and yob television who set the standards by which people live.
Gordon Strachan
#50. I've lost a million and a half on the horses and dice in the last two years. And the funny part is, I still like 'em, and if someone handed me another million I'd put it right in the nose
of some horse that looked good to me.
Al Capone
#51. I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race ...
Henny Youngman
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