Top 77 Funny 4th Doctor Quotes
#1. My father was really good with math. It's a funny thing, I don't remember my father or my mother being so mechanical-minded. My father always wanted to be a doctor, but he came from a really poor family in Georgia, and there was no way he was going to be a doctor.
Herbie Hancock
#2. "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
Henny Youngman
#3. When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
George Burns
#4. Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
Bob Hope
#5. Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.
William Goldman
#6. You're FAT - and don't try to sugarcoat it, because you'll just eat that, too.
Phillip C. McGraw
#7. I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
Joan Rivers
#8. Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.
Sol Luckman
#9. The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.
Charles Dickens
#10. Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Anthony Jeselnik
#11. Everyone has a doctor in him or her; we just have to help it in its work. The natural healing force within each one of us is the greatest force in getting well. Our food should be our medicine. Our medicine should be our food. But to eat when you are sick, is to feed your sickness.
Hippocrates
#12. The cybernetic operation?"
"No, the sex change."
The doctor's smile faltered.
"I'm joking.
Marissa Meyer
#13. Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~
Lucian Bane
#14. A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Henny Youngman
#15. A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
Frank Carson
#16. I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
Rodney Dangerfield
#17. Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
Rita Rudner
#18. I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
Rodney Dangerfield
#19. It's blue and it's wailing because its little body is cold. The only people who think it's beautiful are its parents, and the doctor is just happy it's alive. And none of that is funny.
Mindy Kaling
#20. A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
Henny Youngman
#21. A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
Henny Youngman
#22. I'm now 'Doctor' to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.
Howard Florey
#23. Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
Henny Youngman
#24. The doctor's wife ate two apples a day, just to be safe. But her husband kept coming home.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
#25. If I go back home to Wittenberg, I'll lie down in a coffin and give the maggots a fat doctor to eat.
Martin Luther
#26. Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie.
Cuthbert Soup
#27. Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it.
Woody Allen
#28. He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.
Mark Twain
#29. A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
Tommy Cooper
#30. It's rather like Happy Families, isn't it?Mrs Legal, the lawyer's wife, Miss Dose, the doctor's daughter, etc. ... So sweet and funny and old-world. You just can't think of anything nasty happening here, can you?
Agatha Christie
#31. And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"
Chris Rock
#32. A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Henny Youngman
#33. Kylie flopped back against the seat again, enjoying the look of disbelief on the vampire's face a little
too much. "Would you like a name of a good doctor who will schedule your little snip-snip operation?"
she bit out.
C.C. Hunter
#34. Who wears masks?'
'Bank robbers?'
'No.'
'Really ugly people?'
'No.'
'Halloween? People wear masks at Halloween.'
'Yes! They do!' He flung his arms wide in delight.
'So that's important?'
'Not even a little bit. But it's true.
Neil Gaiman
#35. The plan is to marry a doctor, It's either that or become a trolley-dolly and hit on a pilot.
Ken McClure
#36. Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
Craig Ferguson
#37. If you are not your own doctor, you are a fool.
Hippocrates
#38. I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
Milton Jones
#39. The brilliant escape, the funny line to cap it, despite the lack of timing. And the girl was still dead. The last act had not materialised. The world, and himself, remained so far from what they should be: so imperfect.
Paul Cornell
#40. When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield
#41. The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Henny Youngman
#42. It's funny: when I first started getting vocal about how much I liked 'Doctor Who,' I didn't realize how deep the fan base was.
Chris Hardwick
#43. Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.
Eoin Colfer
#44. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Tommy Cooper
#45. Behind every good decathlete, there's a good doctor.
Bill Toomey
#46. I spend most of my days up to my elbows in someone's chest cavity. Really, I know zip about music."
He didn't bother hiding his surprise. "Wow. That must be ... messy."
"That didn't sound too great, did it? Let me reassure you - I'm a doctor, not a serial killer.
Sarah Mayberry
#47. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Henny Youngman
#48. A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
Henny Youngman
#49. I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Henny Youngman
#50. Ossip, I think you are a humbug ... you are not even a doctor. But you are funny. Your notion of a humanity universally putting out the tongue and taking the pill from pole to pole at the bidding of a few solemn jokers is worthy of the prophet ...
Joseph Conrad
#51. The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
Henny Youngman
#52. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... "
Henny Youngman
#53. I flipped the good doctor the bird.
Snorting, Gideon caught my hand and pulled me back down the hall.
"What is it with you and giving people the finger?"
"What? It's a classic.
Sylvia Day
#54. So I watched the Pink Panther last night, and so I'm trying desperately to be funny, and then it's just not working out so good ... I wonder if maybe I could've been a comedian or something like that, or maybe I could've been a doctor, then I wouldn't have to make anyone laugh.
Dave Matthews
#56. I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"
Mike Birbiglia
#57. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
Spike Milligan
#58. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
No one's immune to bribery.
Joanne Harris
#59. So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
Tommy Cooper
#60. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway.
Solange Nicole
#61. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
Sarah Silverman
#62. The doctor asked me recently how I was feeling within myself, I replied, "absolutely fine doctor, but I'm terribly lonely without myself.
Benny Bellamacina
#63. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
Tommy Cooper
#64. "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Henny Youngman
#65. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
Tim Vine
#66. A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
Frank Carson
#67. Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
Frank Carson
#68. The Doctor: I've seen bigger.
Clara: Really?
The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!
Steven Moffat
#69. We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.
Karl Pilkington
#70. A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
Frank Carson
#71. When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer ...
Robin Williams
#72. Why is it called Dr. Device?" "When it was developed, it was called a Molecular Detachment Device. M.D. Device." Ender still didn't understand. "M.D. The initials stand for Medical Doctor, too. M.D. Device, therefore Dr. Device. It was a joke." Ender didn't see what was funny about it.
Orson Scott Card
#73. I have a weak stomach. My wife is a doctor, so she finds it funny that I actually pass out when I get my blood drawn. I physically can't stand gore on screen. I can't stand blood and guts. Not for any puritanical/moral high-ground reason. I just don't want to black out.
Christopher Denham
#74. Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.
The Doctor: Believe me ... It was an accident.
Steven Moffat
#75. The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"
Dave Barry
#76. Sometimes we called one another by our future doctor names. We did it partly to be funny, but mostly because we liked it when people did it back to us.
David Z. Hirsch
#77. Oh, doctor. I think I'm sick I need some penis-cilin. I fake cough again into my hand.
S.K. Logsdon
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
