Top 100 Country Humor Quotes
#1. Did you know that every time a country song is played, a cute little puppy keels over dead?
Nicole Williams
#2. Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are.
Ann Coulter
#3. Do you pray for the senators, Dr. Hale?' someone asked the chaplain. No, I look at the senators and I pray for the country.
Edward Everett Hale
#4. I'm a country boy, I just want a woman to love and something to fix!
J. Dursky
#5. That is a considerable amount of puppets. But ... [Proceeds to summon one hundred puppets of his own] With this, I took down a whole country
Masashi Kishimoto
#6. Twenty-four feet is puddlenuts in Giant Country.
Roald Dahl
#7. I didn't set out to do a gay comic, but given the current political and religious climate in this country, I feel it is important as a gay person, and a Christian, to create stories with humor and honesty.
Paige Braddock
#8. Last year we drove across the country ... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip ... I don't remember what it was ...
Steven Wright
#9. Elvis was a symbol of the country's vitality, rebelliousness, and good humor.
Jimmy Carter
#10. Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.
Billy Connolly
#11. The truth is Canada is a cloud-cuckoo-land, an insufferably rich country governed by idiots, its self-made problems offering comic relief to the ills of the real world out there, where famine and racial strife and vandals in office are the unhappy rule.
Mordecai Richler
#12. I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed was a president for the nineties. I was set to run again. I thought he said a president IN his nineties.
Ronald Reagan
#13. But I want to see Clara, Charlie's friend, who's right up my street. I want to see her because I don't know where my street is; I don't even know which part of town it's in, which city, which country, so maybe she'll enable me to get my bearings.
Nick Hornby
#14. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.
George W. Bush
#15. One knows so well the popular idea of health: the English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the unbeatable.
Oscar Wilde
#16. When things in the country are in the pits, start a war with somebody.
Vladimir Lorchenkov
#17. Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
Chelsea Handler
#18. We have nothing to fear but fear itself," Otto replied. "Oh, and a megalomaniacal headmaster, the world's deadliets assassin, giant mutated plant monsters, an international cartel of supervillains, and the security forces of every country on earth, but other than that ... just fear.
Mark Walden
#19. I never knew she liked country music," Smitty said in awe.
Yeah, that must make her prime mate material for a Smith. She'll fit right in at one of your hootenannies."
-Mitch to Smitty
Shelly Laurenston
#20. Mom talks about moving to Canada as though my father had requested she start wearing fun hats. "Why not try it?" she thought, instead of "This fucking lunatic wants me to go to a country made of ice and casual racism.
Scaachi Koul
#21. It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
Mark Twain
#22. City people. They may know how to street fight but they don't know how to wade through manure.
Melina Marchetta
#23. She's on the stairs, ma'am, getting her breath,' said the young servant, who had not been long up from the country, where my mother had the excellent habit of getting all her servants. Often she had seen them born. That's the only way to get really good ones. And they're the rarest of luxuries.
Marcel Proust
#24. We goan start promptly at seven o'clock, so be sure to take care of all your bodily needs and functions before we get started.
Charmaine T. Davis
#26. I'm not just a big-haired redhead country singer who dresses flamboyantly, has this wicked sense of humor and wears rhinestones.
Naomi Judd
#27. I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
George Carlin
#28. What a slacker. Just because daddy paid for his college education, he thinks he can avoid dying for his country."
Willie "Drafted
Rich Allan
#29. It must've been Albert's military background, because man, when he dropped a bomb the entire country shook. I was still jittery as a hurricane survivor in New Orleans, and I was sure that somewhere in Alaska some poor Inuit had just taken a tumble from his sled for the very same reason.
Jennifer Rardin
#30. As the carriage bumped her bones along the dark country lanes, Martha decided that if she ever got back to her own time she would write a book called 'Travel in the Edwardian Era. It would be a short book - OUCH in capital letters followed by fifty pages of bad language.
Stephen Cole
#31. Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!
Mercedes Lackey
#32. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns
#33. In many countries there are particular places to which devils more especially resort. In Prussia there is an infinite number of evil spirits.
Martin Luther
#34. I think 'Country Girl' is one song that can veer into country or hip-hop or rap. You can listen to it and enjoy the humor and the fun in it.
Luke Bryan
#35. If you talk bad about country music, it's like saying bad things about my momma. Them's fightin' words
Dolly Parton
#36. America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Dennis Miller
#37. I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.
Will Rogers
#38. In less than a year, the Bush administration will strut out of office, leaving the country in roughly the same condition a toddler leaves a diaper.
Graydon Carter
#39. Horror has been a genre since the beginning of cinema, all the way back to the days of silent films. I don't think it will ever go away because it's so universal. Humor doesn't always travel to other countries, but horror does.
John Carpenter
#40. Um, hi, I'm Carswell Thorne, a convicted criminal in your country. Have we met?
Marissa Meyer
#41. Lebanon is the only country where media kills more than bombs, injures more than guns ... and at last they say freedom of speech ...
Hussein S. Hariri
#42. You see, in this country are a number of youths who do not like to work, and the college is an excellent place for them.
L. Frank Baum
#43. The choir always tittered and whispered all through service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was, now. It was a great many years ago, and I can scarcely remember anything about it, but I think it was in some foreign country.
Mark Twain
#44. I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana's country were about as big as a tree could get," he said, "but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon's tummy when she goes by.
David Eddings
#45. A collective spasm of carbophobia seized the country, ...
Michael Pollan
#46. I wouldn't be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.
Sol Luckman
#47. I went to rehab for alcoholism in wine country, just to keep my options open.
Robin Williams
#48. Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
Orson Welles
#49. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
George W. Bush
#50. If Miss Beresford had not been in such a hurry to marry a poor country clergyman, there was no knowing what she might not have become. But Dixon was too loyal to desert her in her affliction and downfall (alias her married life).
Elizabeth Gaskell
#51. A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
George Carlin
#52. My administration will be more supportive of the good works done here than any administration in the history of this country because I understand the power of faith, that faith can change lives.
George W. Bush
#53. When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.
Jen Lancaster
#54. Colon has always thought that heroes had some special kind of clockwork that made them go out and die famously for god, country and apple pie, or whatever particular delicacy their mother made. It had never occurred to him that they might do it because they'd get yelled at if they didn't.
Terry Pratchett
#55. The government of my country snubs honest simplicity but fondles artistic villainy, and I think I might have developed into a very capable pickpocket if I had remained in the public service a year or two.
Mark Twain
#56. But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
Bill Bailey
#57. I may not remember my name or what country I live in, but you and that pie is something I will never forget.
Kathryn Stockett
#58. We have ample testimony to her sense of humor; Cleopatra was a wit and a prankster. There is no cause to question how she read Herodotus's further assertion that Egypt was a country in which the women urinate standing up, the men sitting down.
Stacy Schiff
#59. Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.
It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.
Oscar Wilde
#60. The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.
David Cross
#61. What do you think the odds are this is going to be one of those cases where the butler did it? Because I could sell that story to any magazine in the country just for the headline.
Richard Castle
#62. Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.
Stephen Colbert
#63. I nod"Maybe.But I'm pretty sure mom won't consent to a field trip across the country with my hot boyfriend.Especially not back to Florida."I clamp my mouth shut so fast my teeth should be chipped. He grins."You think I'm hot?"
"my mom thinks you are." Except, mom's not the one blushing right now.
Anna Banks
#64. A nationalist will blindly follow his country to his death out of love for it. A patriot will stand up for and even against his country to his death out of love for it.
Janvier Chouteu-Chando
#65. Sometimes being a MOM is like a good
ol' country song! You lose your sleep, you lose your hair, you lose your patience, you lose your energy, you lose your memory AND you lose your SANITY! But you DO IT all for LOVE!
Tanya Masse
#67. This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.
Peter Ustinov
#68. Your fey cousin here has the miraculous ability to hold his liquor
and mine, and yours, and the king's, and half the country's, I expect.
Alethea Kontis
#69. In another place was a vast array of idols - Polynesian, Mexican, Grecian, Phoenician, every country on earth I should think. And here, yielding to an irresistible impulse, I wrote my name upon the nose of a steatite monster from South America that particularly took my fancy.
H.G.Wells
#71. But why have you dear English Jew whose forefathers fought to enter the country of Johnny Mill, the Stuart with a little heart, saunter in Haridwar, no pubs or fish and chips' counters here, only Ganga-Jal, -the holy ale- Quaff it for the spirit and carry it to the banks of Thames in a holy grail.
Aporva Kala
#72. My parents are in many ways embodiments of the American Dream. They came to this country with basically nothing but the clothes on their backs, and after twenty years of hard work, sweat, and sacrifice, they were getting divorced, totally broke, and deep in therapy.
David Henry Sterry
#73. Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
#74. Alfred," Merryweather said. "OIPEP is the only organization of its kind in the world, with practically unlimited resources and an intelligence network that spans every country in the planet. We shall do what any powerful, multinational bureaucracy would do in such a crisis. We shall hold a meeting!
Rick Yancey
#75. I tried to go out for theater or theater arts, but I was too scared or too intimidated. But I had a lot of friends on the cross country team that had great senses of humor.
Dana Carvey
#76. Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.
Richard Belzer
#77. All members of Congress should be required wear NASCAR uniforms. You know, the kind with the patches? That way we'd know who is sponsoring each of them. I think he was kidding; they'd never be able to do it but it's a great idea and would wake people up in this country.
Brad Thor
#78. You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.
Charles Kuralt
#79. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
- Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
Mark Twain
#80. READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.
Ambrose Bierce
#81. The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much.
Adam Rex
#82. Elegant presents soon followed. Leather luggage for Jesse's travels and a lovely mink-lined coat to keep her warm in the 'abominable British weather.' It is a country 'only a Druid could love,' Maharet wrote.
Anne Rice
#83. I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide.
George Carlin
#84. Grandma frowned and yelled something in Russian. She could have been saying, 'Open up, your best friend is here.' On the other hand, it could have been, 'America is a great country because of canned ravioli.
Laurie Halse Anderson
#85. North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
Lewis Black
#86. He gave a wry smile. With all this vigilant vigils on virginity, you would think the country would have controlled its population by now.
Mallika Nawal
#87. Louella remarked that when foreign nations had intercourse with this country they knew they had been intercoursed.
Jack Woodford
#88. The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them.
George W. Bush
#89. He made the country down in Illinois, and He made the Missouri", the little girl continued. "I guess somebody else made the country in these parts. It's not nearly so well done. They forgot the water and the trees.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#91. We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.
George W. Bush
#92. I hope that in the final settlement of the war, you insist that the Germans retain Lorraine, because I can imagine no greater burden than to be the owner of this nasty country where it rains every day.
George S. Patton Jr.
#93. He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.
Marika Christian
#94. If you were a country," I said, "what would your national anthem be?"
I meant a pre-existing song
"What a Wonderful World" or "Que Sera, Sera" or something to make it a joke, like "Hey Ya!" ("I would like, more than anything else, for my nation to be shaken like a Polaroid picture.")
David Levithan
#95. Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
#96. With a sense of humor like that, you could make a living as a garbage man anywhere in the country.
Jim Butcher
#97. The Count was Prince Humperdink's only confidant. His last name was Rugen, but no one needed to use it - he was the only Count in the country, the title having been bestowed by the Prince as a birthday present some years before, the happening taking place, naturally, at one of the Countess' parties.
William Goldman
#98. And he gave it for his opinion, that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together.
Jonathan Swift
#99. Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'
Marc Maron
#100. Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.
Johnny Cash
