Top 100 Comedian Quotes
#1. Suddenly, the world I had scrutinised for so long was all around me, as if I had leaned forward and climbed into the television like Alice through the looking-glass. I had no idea just how deep the rabbit hole would go.
Simon Pegg
#2. I became a comedian because I didn't want to be bullied anymore. Onstage I was safe.
Margaret Cho
#3. Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
Ronnie Barker
#4. I do feel good doing them [family-friendly movies], but it's not going to be my way of life. I'm a comedian.
Adam Sandler
#5. As a woman, it seems you can't just be a comedian; you're always classed as something else, too, whether that's 'beautiful,' 'pint-sized,' 'larger-than-life' or in my case, 'Hattie Jacques-esque,' 'the giraffe,' 'big.'
Miranda Hart
#6. Lydia shook her head. "This is my life. Getting yelled at in a Walmart parking lot on a Friday night by somebody doing a bad impression of PG-13 fart-joke-movie comedian.
Jeff Zentner
#7. I'm more of a comedian. I wouldn't mind being on SNL (Saturday Night Live). I think that would be cool.
Cheyenne Kimball
#8. I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor ... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.
Steve Carell
#9. Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
George Burns
#10. I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.
Larry David
#11. I'm kind of the antithesis of a comedian. People that don't like me will agree with that.
Frank Caliendo
#12. Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
#13. I consider myself more of a visual comedian than a physical one.
Rowan Atkinson
#14. Jamie Kilstein is amazing and I will be spreading the word. He has the spark that energized my conscience. We need more comedians kicking it hard the way he does every night
Robin Williams
#15. I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.
Greg Behrendt
#16. As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.
Bill Maher
#17. If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.
Eddie Izzard
#18. I first wanted to be a comedian when I was six or seven and my dad showed me Laurel and Hardy's "Perfect Day" on tv.
Will Smith
#19. Inside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience.
Shelley Berman
#20. I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
#21. And I'm up while the dawn is breaking, even though my heart is aching. I should be drinking a toast to absent friends instead of these comedians.
Elvis Costello
#22. If you're a comedian, you are looking for material in daily life.
Rob Brydon
#23. Of the many qualities I adore about Melissa McCarthy as a comedian and as a dramatic actor, the best is how fully she gives herself to every character she plays.
Lisa Schwarzbaum
#24. I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.
Wendy Liebman
#25. If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
Norm MacDonald
#27. A humorist is a writer who's not funny enough to call themselves a comedian.
Dan Alatorre
#28. You get to a certain point, especially if you're a comedian, where people think certain things. It's like, I don't take the time to explain it to people, it's just part of what I do.
Denis Leary
#29. I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my boobs or wearing a skirt and show off my ... I just didn't think that that was the best way to get taken seriously in that world.
Chelsea Handler
#30. I'm not a comedian, I'm not a stand-up and I don't come from a comedy background. I am an actor, but I've had a very fortunate foray into comedy, and it seems to have become a bit of a strength, and you can't complain when you become known for something.
Darren Boyd
#31. My younger sister's a comedian. She has a sketch comedy group in Chicago called Schadenfreude and I look at her with such admiration and envy because it's such an amazing thing to make someone laugh.
Brian D'Arcy James
#32. I considered myself a professional comedian because the club would pay me $20.
Tom Green
#33. I don't know any comedian who tailors his act to his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can't even imagine them.
Colin Quinn
#34. I find comedians to be the biggest cocksuckers, because they don't want people to know how easy it is.
Gavin McInnes
#35. What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.
Michael R. Burch
#36. In my mind, I was always a comedian who was going to branch into writing.
Patton Oswalt
#37. Everyone goes "every comedian does Arnold Schwarzenegger". Yes, they do; but do they do Arnold Schwarzenegger in Brokeback Mountain?
Pablo Francisco
#38. So I watched the Pink Panther last night, and so I'm trying desperately to be funny, and then it's just not working out so good ... I wonder if maybe I could've been a comedian or something like that, or maybe I could've been a doctor, then I wouldn't have to make anyone laugh.
Dave Matthews
#39. You have to go away to come back. That's just normal. That's with bands, actors, comedians, everything.
Pauly Shore
#40. I see myself as a comedian rather than a female comedian. I happen to be a woman, but I am a comedian by trade.
Miranda Hart
#41. One of my first jobs was on a lesbian cruise. I was the ship comedian for the Lesbian Love Boat.
Margaret Cho
#42. I still like doing stand-up now, but it's not the same. It used to be that I was out there with five other comedians. Now I usually just do it alone.
Adam Sandler
#43. I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
Steven Wright
#44. I'm not a comedian. I can play off of people, but I'm not that guy. I don't want people being like, 'Yeah, he should have stuck with drama.' It would not be my choice to have critics mumbling that.
Channing Tatum
#45. But a comedian is naked. His only weapon was his wit.
Sidney Sheldon
#46. As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.
Jon Stewart
#47. Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.
Gilbert Gottfried
#48. Is he seriously joking with me? The master of the dark art of raising the dead has become a standup comedian? Surely this is the end of the world.
David Estes
#49. Twitter makes you a comedian in the same way that digital cameras make you a photographer
Ken Jennings
#50. As a comedian, especially one that works as much as I do, there is a lot of sacrifice. People don't see that I'm away from my family 46 weeks out of the year. I miss all the birthdays and anniversaries and holidays.
Gabriel Iglesias
#51. I don't have a lot of recreation time. I've always been under the assumption that if you're selling tickets you need to work. The kind of success that's happened to me maybe only happens to one comedian every twenty years and so I'm on the road constantly.
Larry The Cable Guy
#52. When I was a teenager, I met a comedian who I admired, and he was very rude to me. That's why when people come up to me I try not to be rude. I don't want to name who he is, but it really put me off watching his stuff since.
Stephen Merchant
#53. I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians.
George Carlin
#54. Don't be too funny, guys like funny but they don't want to marry a comedian, right? The guy is supposed to be the funny one.
Lindsey Kelk
#55. As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats.
Larry The Cable Guy
#56. I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.
Chelsea Handler
#57. When you deal with a comedian who has a specific act, you can't hold 'em back. You got to work with 'em, dude. What you think, I'm just gonna do what's on the page, say 'yes sir, no sir'? I'm creatively beyond that.
Pauly Shore
#58. I admire Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet. I like a lot of comedians. I like Cameron Diaz - she's funny and has a very light spirit. That's quite rare nowadays. There are many actresses I admire.
Catherine Deneuve
#59. I don't consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there's a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I'll do it.
J. B. Smoove
#60. I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.
Franklyn Ajaye
#61. Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
George Carlin
#62. Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is a gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success.
Rex Reed
#63. I'm a standup comedian who gets to act. I'm never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I'm doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.
Bill Burr
#65. As a comedian, I can walk out in front of 5000 people and not worry about a thing. Not a thing, believe me. But to stand up a face a camera and crew of maybe 15 guys and get up tight about it - to me that's weird.
Bill Cosby
#66. When you're a comedian, the Holy Grail is an hour long HBO special.
Gabriel Iglesias
#67. Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it's a burning desire, you'll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.
Franklyn Ajaye
#68. Because you make me laugh don't make you a comic. A comedian is a person who, that's how they make their living.
Dick Gregory
#69. I'm a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you're stupid.
Chelsea Handler
#70. When people laugh at me, they are not laughing in the way that they normally would at a comedian. They are laughing with relief, because the truth has been spoken, and political correctness has not strangled this particular gigastar.
Barry Humphries
#71. I would say I'm a goof ball, but not a comedian.
Jake Lacy
#72. You're so hilarious. You know, if this whole Daimon-slaying gig doesn't work out for you, you should really consider being a comedian. The bright Barney hair color would just add to the overall entertainment factor.
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#73. 'The Walking Dead' was my favorite show before I even auditioned for it. That's every actor's dream, to be on a show that they're a fan of. It's just dark, and as a comedian, I'm drawn to dark things.
Josh McDermitt
#74. I was like a Borscht Belt comedian trapped in the body of a 6-year-old. I was channeling Jackie Mason at 7.
Josh Gad
#75. Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Emo Philips
#76. There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
Jim Gaffigan
#77. I became a dancer in self-defense. I was doing a comedy monologue and didn't know how else to get off, so I danced off. I've been dancing ever since, but I'm still a comedian.
Ray Bolger
#78. If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
George Burns
#79. I'm a comedian, and my comedy has never endorsed violence towards gays.
Sam Kinison
#80. I didn't really want to be a comedian.
Allan Carr
#81. I'm the only comedian qualified to navigate a supertanker.
Peter Baynham
#82. I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
Rodney Carrington
#83. I believe that any type of education can be great, but an education about ourselves can create something wonderful. I am a comedian, but people have called me a motivational speaker. I don't really consider myself that at all.
Andy Andrews
#84. I always remember writing a page of jokes for a comedian and handing it to him backstage at a club and he read it and then took his cigarette lighter and lit the page on.
Garry Marshall
#85. I'm probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor.
Kevin Nealon
#86. Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.'
Mike Birbiglia
#87. You know, I've never thought of myself as a comedian.
Terry Jones
#88. During Vietnam, I was in college, enjoying my student deferment. The government wisely felt that, in my case, military service was less important than completing my studies to prepare me for my chosen career: comedian.
Al Franken
#89. I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
Jim Gaffigan
#90. The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"
Jerry Seinfeld
#91. I don't think comedians take advantage of the fact that television and film are visual mediums.
Eric Andre
#92. I don't think of myself as a comedian, but as an artist, a scientist and chemist who just happens to be funny. I started doing stand-up to add another level to my game. I feel that I'm a young rookie with a veteran's skill.
Marlon Wayans
#93. It's funny, because I was trained as a dramatic actor at New York's Colonnades Theater Lab in the '70s, along with Jeff Goldblum, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman. People I worked with there saw a comedian in me. I'm still most at home in comedy.
Peter Scolari
#94. You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that.
Jerry Seinfeld
#95. Eddie Murphy is to comedians what Nicki Minaj is to Spanx.
Chris Rock
#96. No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.
Adam Carolla
#97. I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.
Nick Thune
#98. Sometimes people say I'm a political comedian, which, actually I'm not. I'm a comedian who sometimes discusses politics, culture - again, the word 'politics' to me is just life.
Janeane Garofalo
#99. I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.
Amy Schumer
#100. Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
Yakov Smirnoff
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