Tonight Show Quotes

#1. It used to be if you wanted to be a comedian, you used to just do sets. You'd go up three times a night, just get better, and then some people would see you and you'd do 'The Tonight Show,' and then boom, you're a comedian.

Kurt Braunohler

#2. Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second.

Conan O'Brien

#3. Yes, I'm supposed to go back to New York to do Geraldo, and we're going to be doing The Tonight Show.

Bobby Sherman

#4. When I started out, some women comics were jealous of other women comics, thinking, "If she gets "The Tonight Show," I can't." My philosophy always was, "If she did, I can too."

Rosie O'Donnell

#5. The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.

Chelsea Handler

#6. You've never had a job that you thought was secure. You don't think the Tonight Show is risk free. Especially when you saw what happened with your buddy Conan O'Brien. There is always a Plan B.I am ready to apply to the post office.

Jimmy Fallon

#7. The Tonight Show didn't seem like an actual job that you could have. All you remember is you watched Johnny Carson, and you never thought he would retire.

Jimmy Fallon

#8. I want to get back and figure out how we're going to make 'The Tonight Show' funny and good.

Andy Richter

#9. I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.

Joe Rogan

#10. Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting - you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.

David Letterman

#11. I'm the producer of "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon," so I definitely have an exciting day job.

Josh Lieb

#12. When I was a kid, you would tune in to 'The Tonight Show' before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it's a privilege of mine to be able to be in people's homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this.

Jimmy Fallon

#13. If drummers are 'anti-solo,' that's up to them. They're musicians, and they can play whatever they want. But my inspirations early on were people like Buddy Rich, seeing him on 'The Tonight Show', or Gene Krupa.

Neil Peart

#14. It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work.

Howie Mandel

#15. It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.

Gary Gulman

#16. Immanuel Kant is credited with saying, "If the stars came out only once in a lifetime, we'd stay up all that night." Now we stay up late in Plato's cave just to watch the enervated stars on The Tonight Show.

William J. O'Malley

#17. This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever.

Steve Allen

#18. I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

David Letterman

#19. In 1980, when I graduated from high school, my goal was to be on 'The Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson at least once before our ten-year class reunion. Our class reunion was in June of 1990, and I was on 'The Tonight Show' in April 1990, so I made it by a few months.

Jeff Dunham

#20. I think all of this - The Roots and DJing included - was meant to prepare me for The Tonight Show.

Questlove

#21. I did the 'Tonight Show' once, and I choked up. I get intimidated.

John Candy

#22. When I got a call from Los Angeles to do the Tonight Show, I considered it more of an inconvenience than an opportunity.

Lorna Luft

#23. I was supposed to be on the Tonight Show but I broke my shoulder instead.

Rip Taylor

#24. My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

Garry Shandling

#25. Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

David Letterman

#26. I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

Steven Wright

#27. My first acting gig was a skit for Jay Leno on 'The Tonight Show.' It was this Barbie commercial where I got to pour mud all over Barbie dolls and watch the heads pop off. It was so exciting, a lot of fun.

Brie Larson

#28. Steve Laurence is the only person that was on the first 'Tonight Show,' right to the end. He was a little high school boy, 14 years old.

Jayne Meadows

#29. After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.

Roseanne Barr

#30. Internet radio stations like KCRW do take you everywhere, yet that's just one of a hundred small things you have to do to succeed. It used to be, if you just got on the cover of 'Rolling Stone' and a spotlight on 'The Tonight Show,' that was enough.

Teddy Thompson

#31. I've performed on 'The Tonight Show' with both Johnny Carson and Jay Leno, but not at the same time.

Thomas F. Wilson

#32. When Joan Rivers walked through the curtain on 'The Tonight Show,' nobody in my house was allowed to utter a sound. Her gait was full of pep and purpose and her voice unmatched.

Judy Gold

#33. The only things that give it the illusion of being one country are the green-back, The Tonight Show, and McDonald's.

Neil Gaiman

#34. When I did 'The Tonight Show' and Jay Leno was still there, he was very nice but it was surreal. It's like you can't believe you're standing there talking to that person. If you've seen them in a lot of movies or on TV you feel like you know them, just like my fans feel like they know me.

Rodney Atkins

#35. It used to be that if you got on 'The Tonight Show,' your career was made. Now, if you're on 'The Tonight Show,' maybe 14 more people show up to your gig in Tulsa.

Mike Birbiglia

#36. Crystal ball and candle light, I want your dance tonight. Show me the power of love as we stand together in the middle of the night.

Santosh Kalwar

#37. People don't know this, but early in your career, you don't just glide on to The Tonight Show.

Tea Leoni

#38. I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman.

Sarah Silverman

#39. I can be on the Tonight Show, but not with Johnny [Carson]. He uses my name in his monologue all the time.

Paul Reubens

#40. I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.'

Drew Carey

#41. I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting.

Jeff Garlin

#42. I gave up my base in popular culture when I left the Tonight Show.

Branford Marsalis

#43. I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,'

David Letterman

#44. No, no. I have been practicing ... I bowled a 129. It's like
it was like Special Olympics, or something."
making an off-hand joke during an appearance on "The Tonight Show", March 19, 2009

Barack Obama

#45. There's always something about the Tonight Show that makes me a little bit anxious, nervous, excited. But it's good. It's good. It's been real good for me. It always has helped my career and Jay and all the people here have always been great.

Jon Secada

#46. I still sweat bullets if I go on The Tonight Show, but I tell myself, You can either have fun tonight or you can be shy and miserable. You ask my friends or anyone I work with now - nobody would say I was shy.

Lara Flynn Boyle

#47. There's nothing decent about what we're going to do tonight. So, let go and show me who you are."

~Raphael

Tina Folsom

#48. Oooo ... He's being a saucy motherfu*ker tonight. He does wrong and I'm the one who gets treated like the whore of Babylon. Fine, he wants a show I'll give him a damn show.

S.K. Logsdon

#49. On 'Idol,' you have to show off your vocal abilities, so I stuck to the ballads, so I'm glad my first single is 'Tonight' so I can show off my fun, young side, and what I want to do as an artist.

Jessica Sanchez

#50. We can't thank Dave enough. He could call me if my wife was about to have a baby and tell me he needed tonight for his show and I'd find some way to get her to let me head to New York.

Darius Rucker

#51. Went to Jude's party tonight in a tight little black dress to show off figure feeling v. full of myself ...
... There's nothing worse than people telling you you looked tired. They might as well have done with it and say you look like five kinds of shit.

Helen Fielding

#52. The pepper is beginning to show signs of strain, and tonight should grace a salad. It has been suggested that I am a cannibal to eat my models.

Edward Weston

#53. Kid, show me a man who doesn't go down on his wife and I'll show you a man whose wife I can sleep with, tonight.

Leo Durocher

#54. I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.

Jimmy Fallon

#55. Saw Torres play their first New York show tonight at Cake Shop. SO good. Do yourself a favor and check out her record. Her voice is KILLER.

Sharon Van Etten

#56. Tonight, she'll bend for my punishment, tremble for my touch, and I'll risk it all to show her exactly what she means to me.

Pam Godwin

#57. Ingmar Bergman had a great sense of humor, and he had a very special, characteristic laugh that you always recognized - if he went to watch a theater show, 'Ah! He is here tonight.'

Max Von Sydow

#58. This morning my dad called me up and said, 'So, tonight's your last show, huh.' And I said, 'No, Dad, that's someone else.'

Jimmy Fallon

#59. I don't have a show anymore. I don't have a check coming in every week. This is important to me, I got to score a million tonight or it could all be over.

Bob Newhart

#60. Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Bill Bailey

#61. Shine, shine, shine tonight- It's time to let it show- Burn bright, light the fire- That leads the way to hope- The Maker of the stars lives in our soul- We have His light, what are we waiting for- Get out and glow.

Moriah Peters

#62. Well folks, that's about it for the show tonight.

John Fahey

#63. You want to go to a show tonight? There's this band called Crucifictorious from Texas, and they're supposed to be decent.

Cindi Madsen

#64. The good Samaritan, he's getting dressed, he's getting ready for the show. He's going to the carnival tonight on Desolation Row.

Bob Dylan

#65. Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

Buddy Hackett

#66. That's how you make me feel tonight. You. Crush. Me. Under your magnificent light show.

Katie Kacvinsky

#67. If you watch tonight's show, I believe you know that I believe we're heading into deep and treacherous waters.

Glenn Beck

#68. Do you really think you can order me around?" He crossed his arms over his chest in a show of dominance.
"I have more cupcakes in my apartment. You can have them if you fix this tonight."
"Are you trying to bribe me?"
"Is it working?"
"Yes.

Helena Hunting

#69. There's been someone up here screaming 'Landslide' for the whole show ... Normally we don't play 'Landslide,' but on occasion we've been known to play it ... So since this person's been screaming it all show long ... That just about kills the chances of me playing it tonight, or ever again.

Billy Corgan

#70. I don't believe in vampires"
He opened his mouth to show her a vicious set of fangs.
"If you want to live past tonight, you better learn to start

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#71. That's why I had to leave Hair on Broadway, because I did it for about a year, and one night I was doing the show, and I realized, well, this is not real. I told the director. He says, man, it was a killer show tonight.

Barry McGuire

#72. Today, I show you Lake Como even though I don't know fuck all about Lake Como; I do know how to drive a boat. Tonight, no parties, no friends, no nothing. You, me, dinner. Later tonight, just you and me. You with me?"
"I'm with you," I whispered, and I was with him. So with him.

Kristen Ashley

#73. Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

Jeremy Clarkson

#74. I'd like to do a television show that is encouraging, useful, and clean, and I'd like to go up against Entertainment Tonight and beat it.

John Tesh

#75. There is a very palpable difference for me between some of my earlier songs and where my later work has gone. If I were making my dream set list for tonight's show, I'm probably not going to include a whole bunch of stuff from the album that I made when I was 23.

Mirah

#76. Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

David Letterman

#77. I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Doug Stanhope

#78. We have a show tonight. I've never missed a show. Not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get.

LIZ

#79. He was definitely taking his bodyguard duties seriously tonight. He gave off a take-one-step-closer-and-I-will-show-you-Armageddon vibe.

Christina Henry

#80. Before we begin, I want your word that much of what I show you tonight stays between us.

Ronald Malfi

#81. Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.

David Letterman

#82. The sightseers would have been disappointed, as the real thing always makes a poorer show than the fake. ("I'm Dangerous Tonight")

Cornell Woolrich

#83. Though this marriage is a sham, what we share tonight will be real, my lady. I said I'd treat you wi' the same respect I'd show my own true bride, and I meant it. I'd no' be able to call myself a Scotsman if I let you walk across this threshold.

Pamela Clare

#84. We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you'd expect, security's been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.

Jimmy Fallon

#85. Tonight we're going to show you eight silent ways to kill a man.

Joe Haldeman

#86. Her time on Twin Moons was really getting off to a great start. She hadn't even been awake for one whole morning and she'd already given a peep show to strangers and eaten a whole bowl full of horny fruit by mistake. What the hell was she going to do tonight?

Evangeline Anderson

#87. The front door swung open, and Zsadist strode into the house.
Wrath glared. "Nice of you to show up, Z. Busy tonight with the females?"
"How about you get off my dick?

J.R. Ward

#88. I don't wanna wrestle Big Show tonight because I'm scared that he's gonna eat me!

John Cena

#89. I'm so excited and honored to be part of 'Entertainment Tonight!' 'E.T.' was the show that started all the entertainment news, so I couldn't be more thrilled.

Nancy O'Dell

#90. I have some very special guests tonight, and I would like to give a big welcome to the Wayne State men and women's rugby team for coming to the game tonight and to be on my TV Show

Mark Cuban

#91. My dictum has always been: 'This show is happening just here, just tonight, with these people who are in this hall, and nobody knows what's going to happen until it's done.'

Peter Hammill

#92. That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

Craig Ferguson

#93. I honestly think I could sit down and write a show tonight that the critics would love, and I know it would be canceled within four weeks. I know what the critics love. We write and produce for people, not for critics.

Sherwood Schwartz

#94. Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds
235 with cologne.

David Letterman