Top 100 Quotes About Masturbation
#1. Virtual sex, no matter how realistic, was really nothing but glorified, computer-assisted masturbation.
Ernest Cline
#2. If I'm going to merely ramble, maybe I should just snuggle under the warm covers, think of Miu, and play with myself.
Haruki Murakami
#3. Sexual gratification can only be achieved through the use of machines.
Frank Zappa
#6. Masturbation is an absolutely peerless cure for the hiccups
Inga Muscio
#7. Fuck you . . . you fucking body-dysmorphia porn-addict trust-fund-baby compulsive-masturbation motherfucker.
Warren Ellis
#8. And now Kit's cock - which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment - woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.
Amy Lane
#9. Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special.
Jen Kirkman
#10. When they say take from my body, I think I'll take from mine instead. Getting off, getting off while they're all down stairs.
Tori Amos
#11. And it's not like I've never jacked off. I'm fifteen years old. Of course I do it. Any guy who says he doesn't is lying. That would be like having the coolest video game ever and never playing it. No one's that stupid.
Michael Thomas Ford
#12. Sex without love is nothing more than a complex form of masturbation.
August Clearwing
#13. I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.
John Mayer
#14. Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure.
Thomas Szasz
#15. The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well.
Sigmund Freud
#16. A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
Karl Kraus
#17. I think the internet is the greatest waste of time since masturbation was discovered.
Norman Mailer
#18. If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.
Dennis Miller
#20. Writing is a lonely pursuit. The only thing working is imagination and hands.
The only difference between writing and masturbation is one is presumably intended for a mass audience.
Mark Bell
#21. Just like real sex, the touching was good, but there came a point in time when a woman needed to be filled - deeply.
Lacey Alexander
#22. Abused as we abuse it at present, dramatic art is in no sense cathartic; it is merely a form of emotional masturbation ...
Aldous Huxley
#23. To me, video games aren't something as necessary as food or sleep, but they're just as important as delicious food, drinks, afternoon naps, walks, music, and sex (or masturbation). Not having them won't kill you, but without them, your life would be so boring you might as well be dead.
Hidetaka Suehiro
#24. Remember how it felt yesterday? What you saw me do?" I snorted and grinned. "Man, do I ever. I remembered twice last night and again this morning.
Missy Welsh
#25. I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator.
Anna Bayes
#26. The act of writing itself is done in secret, like masturbation.
Stephen King
#27. Baptizing all containers with an orifice that appeals to their cock is the trivial pursuit of little boys" (23)
(rbt: every "boy" i know has done this at least 15 times
why?)
Tony Duvert
#28. I hung a picture of him above my bed and learned by hand the internal workings of the female combustion engine.
Shannon Celebi
#29. It is practically an axiom in psychiatry that precocious intellect combined with physical weakness can give rise to many unpleasant character traits - avarice, delusions of grandeur , and obsessive masturbation, to name just a few.
Sam Savage
#30. The palm of his hand was a dull red. Not a good sign.
I jerk off left-handed, he thought, at least that's something.
Stephen King
#31. Masturbation is a democratic pleasure, practiced by rich and poor, young and old, married and single.
Mason Cooley
#32. The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Patrick Murray
#34. I used to think masturbation was not really sex because it only involved me. That's a very limited view of human sexuality, and it isn't going to work for women.
Betty Dodson
#35. Philosophy is to science as masturbation is to sex.
Karl Marx
#36. Reading - like masturbation - is something you do alone and very little in life brings more pleasure.
Chloe Thurlow
#37. Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
Bob Saget
#39. AA 241:87 - I would argue that masturbation is the human animal's most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization.
Ernest Cline
#40. Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Chelsea Handler
#41. I'm a promoter of masturbation. Don't sleep around ... learn yourself first! Guys do it, but girls don't. They should.
Taylor Momsen
#42. Masturbation is our first and natural form of sexual activity and if that's inhibited or damaged, then we suffer for the rest of our lives.
Betty Dodson
#43. What was said about him, what the females needed to believe about him, was just oral masturbation for mouths that needed to be otherwise occupied.
J.R. Ward
#45. What do you want, douche-whore? Haven't you ruined my night enough by interrupting my mouth fucking session with your fuckhot teammate? Now you have to disturb my masturbation session, too?
Helena Hunting
#46. We were born into a peace of plenty, a pleasure-economy, a bonobo masturbation society. The future that our elite handlers have in store for us advertises more of the same. More detached pleasure, less risk, freedom from want, more masturbation.
Jack Donovan
#47. But it was I, yes I, who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
Woody Allen
#48. Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
Dana Gould
#49. Well, you know what procrastination and masturbation have in common, don't you?" She waits a beat, then answers her own question. "When it comes right down to it, you only end up screwing yourself.
Amy Hatvany
#50. In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.
Les Claypool
#51. They are this horrible thing where you are distorted. The chin is too big, the head is too small. No, this is electronic masturbation.
Karl Lagerfeld
#52. Poor boys are easier than middle-class or rich ones. Boys who've been busted are easier than boys who have not. Southern boys are easier than Northern boys. Marines are easier than Masturbation.
John Valentine
#53. Life is just masturbation in a sense, mentally. What people do is they just create a world out of their self-reflection.
Frederick Lenz
#54. In his parochial school, the nuns had advised him and his classmates that they should sleep each night on their backs with their arms crossed on their chests, hands on opposite shoulders- a presumably holy posture that, not incidentally, made masturbation impossible.
Gay Talese
#55. In the United States, the last recorded clitoridectomy for curing masturbation was performed in 1948
on a five year old girl.
Eve Ensler
#56. I've been married but I'm not anymore. And I still believe in love.
Nick Saint Clair
#57. Physics is to mathematics like sex is to masturbation.
Richard Feynman
#58. I even made love to myself once. Uhh, I wasn't suppose to tell you that.
Gary B.B. Coleman
#59. People who detest their sanity love to tell you they are insane, authors included...and all for a few bucks. Their charlatan madness is masturbation.
W.T. Shad
#60. Light mayonnaise is like masturbation - it approximates the real thing but leaves you unfulfilled,
ultimately leading to fantasies about diving face-first into a big-ass jar of the real stuff.
Susan Donovan
#61. Writing is like masturbation. It might not bear fruit, but it certainly does feel good.
Charles Delmar
#62. Squirting isn't easy, it has to be said. Then, neither is riding a unicycle. Just as some people sweat more than others, or eat more than others, some girls erupt in surging geysers of vaginal fluids with greater facility and in more generous quantities than others.
Chloe Thurlow
#63. My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.
Chuck Palahniuk
#64. An ancient truism had once decreed, Self-improvement is masturbation. ...
Anonymous
#66. Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
James Joyce
#67. Masturbation and meditation both promote physical and mental wellbeing.
Abhijit Naskar
#68. [Norman Mailer] is against masturbation, he's against homosexuality. He believes that murder is essentially sexual. I think he's rather an anthology of all the darkest American traits.
Gore Vidal
#69. When it comes to sex: some men treat women as objects; some women treat objects as men.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#70. It's disgusting. On trains, the number of those people doing that strange masturbation-like gesture is multiplying.
Hayao Miyazaki
#71. I think we're in an age starved for genuine experiences, instead of cathartic phony experiences through the media, structured, engineered experiences. And those are the fast food, the masturbation of experience. They don't really exhaust any aspect of ourselves; they don't make us any stronger.
Chuck Palahniuk
#73. Prince's music calmed me as much as masturbation or a cheeseburger.
Jonathan Lethem
#74. Cycling, like masturbation, is fun and easy to do - sometimes all day long.
Tom Doig
#77. They command a fascination, however reluctant, that borders on psychic masturbation.
Hunter S. Thompson
#78. Is squirting myth or magic? French scientists say myth, squirting girls say magic. And I say: those who can, do, and they do so because squirting is fun.
Chloe Thurlow
#79. Masturbation never got anybody pregnant, does not make anybody go crazy, and what we're about is preventing HIV in our bright young people.
Joycelyn Elders
#80. Today I will masterbate!
Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written Today I will masterbate
if I want to!
Al Franken
#82. No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.
Jon Stewart
#83. The universe has an itch, and I have been called upon to scratch it.
James Halat
#84. If masturbation is a crime then I should be on death row.
Jeremy Piven
#85. I also believe in cigarettes, cholesterol, alcohol, carbon monoxide, masturbation, the Arts Council, nuclear weapons, the Daily Telegraph, and not properly labeling fatal poisons, but above all else, most of all, I believe in the one thing that can come out of people's mouths: vomit.
Dennis Potter
#86. Don't tell me he's bisexual! Don't tell me this is more of the guy in the hallway! Don't tell me he wants us to have it off together, Philip Roth fucking Philip Roth! That, I'm afraid, is a form of masturbation too fancy even for me.
Philip Roth
#87. Masturbating is no more sinful than praying or meditating.
Abhijit Naskar
#89. I do not need a man. I am devoted to masturbation. I think it's probably one of the most pleasurable experiences in life.
Gloria Stuart
#91. We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
Lily Tomlin
#92. Masturbation is a meditation on self-love. So many of us are afflicted with self-loathing, bad body images, shame about our body functions, and confusion about sex and pleasure, I recommend an intense love affair with yourself
Betty Dodson
#93. Physical development was alleged to assist spiritual and intellectual development, while also helping safeguard boys from the 'solitary and sexual sin' of masturbation.
Martin Crotty
#94. Everyone thinks their whole life should be at least as much fun as masturbation.
Chuck Palahniuk
#95. Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee Operation Masturbate.
Jon Stewart
#96. When I'm all alone and I'm by myself, little Peter keeps me company.
Red Peters
#97. Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you'll go blind.
Seanan McGuire
#98. Sexual intercourse is a poor substitute for masturbation.
Quentin Crisp
#99. I never did like working out - it bears the same relationship to real sport as masturbation does to real sex
David Lodge
#100. It's masturbation for writers to be able to write this absolutely outrageous personality, in a character that you somehow agree with, part of the time, at least.
Rie Rasmussen
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