Top 100 Masturbation's Quotes
#1. Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.
Gilbert Gottfried
#2. Don't tell me he's bisexual! Don't tell me this is more of the guy in the hallway! Don't tell me he wants us to have it off together, Philip Roth fucking Philip Roth! That, I'm afraid, is a form of masturbation too fancy even for me.
Philip Roth
#3. I do not need a man. I am devoted to masturbation. I think it's probably one of the most pleasurable experiences in life.
Gloria Stuart
#4. I also believe in cigarettes, cholesterol, alcohol, carbon monoxide, masturbation, the Arts Council, nuclear weapons, the Daily Telegraph, and not properly labeling fatal poisons, but above all else, most of all, I believe in the one thing that can come out of people's mouths: vomit.
Dennis Potter
#5. No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.
Jon Stewart
#6. They command a fascination, however reluctant, that borders on psychic masturbation.
Hunter S. Thompson
#7. Prince's music calmed me as much as masturbation or a cheeseburger.
Jonathan Lethem
#8. It's disgusting. On trains, the number of those people doing that strange masturbation-like gesture is multiplying.
Hayao Miyazaki
#9. [Norman Mailer] is against masturbation, he's against homosexuality. He believes that murder is essentially sexual. I think he's rather an anthology of all the darkest American traits.
Gore Vidal
#10. Masturbation and meditation both promote physical and mental wellbeing.
Abhijit Naskar
#11. Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
James Joyce
#13. An ancient truism had once decreed, Self-improvement is masturbation. ...
Anonymous
#14. My first time I jacked off, I thought I'd invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.
Chuck Palahniuk
#15. Squirting isn't easy, it has to be said. Then, neither is riding a unicycle. Just as some people sweat more than others, or eat more than others, some girls erupt in surging geysers of vaginal fluids with greater facility and in more generous quantities than others.
Chloe Thurlow
#16. Writing is like masturbation. It might not bear fruit, but it certainly does feel good.
Charles Delmar
#17. Light mayonnaise is like masturbation - it approximates the real thing but leaves you unfulfilled,
ultimately leading to fantasies about diving face-first into a big-ass jar of the real stuff.
Susan Donovan
#18. People who detest their sanity love to tell you they are insane, authors included...and all for a few bucks. Their charlatan madness is masturbation.
W.T. Shad
#19. I even made love to myself once. Uhh, I wasn't suppose to tell you that.
Gary B.B. Coleman
#20. Physics is to mathematics like sex is to masturbation.
Richard Feynman
#21. I've been married but I'm not anymore. And I still believe in love.
Nick Saint Clair
#22. In the United States, the last recorded clitoridectomy for curing masturbation was performed in 1948
on a five year old girl.
Eve Ensler
#23. In his parochial school, the nuns had advised him and his classmates that they should sleep each night on their backs with their arms crossed on their chests, hands on opposite shoulders- a presumably holy posture that, not incidentally, made masturbation impossible.
Gay Talese
#24. Life is just masturbation in a sense, mentally. What people do is they just create a world out of their self-reflection.
Frederick Lenz
#25. Poor boys are easier than middle-class or rich ones. Boys who've been busted are easier than boys who have not. Southern boys are easier than Northern boys. Marines are easier than Masturbation.
John Valentine
#26. They are this horrible thing where you are distorted. The chin is too big, the head is too small. No, this is electronic masturbation.
Karl Lagerfeld
#27. My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true - I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone new.
Roddy Piper
#28. I've been known to watch porn from time to time."
"Just from time to time?" I ask.
She shrugs naughtily, a little I've-got-a-secret look in her eyes.
"It's okay. Tell the doctor. Masturbation is normal. Don't be ashamed.
Lauren Blakely
#29. If you have ever done any security work - and it did not involve the concept of "network of trust" - it wasn't security work, it was - masturbation. I don't know what you were doing. But trust me, it's the only way you can do security, it's the only way you can do development.
Linus Torvalds
#30. If a writer has the desire to communicate by writing and be heard, then he necessarily cares about seeing it in print. I suppose it's the difference between masturbation and making love - the real writer wants to touch another person.
Edmund White
#31. Your imagination and some masturbation is a much better alternative to finding out what kind of person a bit of casual sex transforms you into.
S.A. Tawks
#32. Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly proud of, either.
Matt Groening
#33. Most board meetings amount to little more than intellectual masturbation. They are ideas that cause thrills, chills, and satisfaction, but there is no impregnation. Nothing is ever born of them. It's intellectual masturbation.
Steve Maraboli
#34. Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.
Jay Mohr
#35. Instead of being a well-known painter, I became everybody's favorite dirty joke. Come to think of it, teaching masturbation skills is pretty weird.
Betty Dodson
#36. That's all anyone has, and it's always brief, although, of course, some people believe they have a past where they can accumulate things and a future where they will accumulate still more. By the way, speaking of the present moment, do you masturbate a lot?
Paulo Coelho
#37. It's what I call "mental masturbation", when you engage is some pointless intellectual exercise that has no possible meaning.
Linus Torvalds
#38. I think that there's nothing wrong with masturbation. If you're not feeling good about your own sexuality and your own body, you're not going to feel good about anything else.
Hugh Hefner
#39. You cannot blame porn. When I was young, I used to masturbate to Gilligan's Island.
Ron Jeremy
#40. In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.
Les Claypool
#41. I prize my downtime, count on it as a writer, a parent, a person. Sometimes I think of Woody Allen's remark about masturbation, that it is sex with someone he loves. I feel as though being alone is hanging out with someone I like.
Anna Quindlen
#42. Next time she'd have to ask him to keep the light on while he did it, so she could watch his face. That was the best part of the whole thing as far as she was concerned, the way a guy's face contorted so violently and then relaxed, as if some terrible mystery had just been solved.
Tom Perrotta
#43. If you say children wouldn't know anything about masturbation on their own, you've never changed a little boy's diaper.
Joycelyn Elders
#44. The war against illegal file-sharing is like the church's age-old war against masturbation. It's a war you just can't win.
Lawrence Lessig
#45. After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.
Chelsea Handler
#46. Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.
Woody Allen
#47. Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Craig Ferguson
#48. I wanted to put a reference to masturbation in one of the scripts for the Sandman. It was immediately cut by the editor [Karen Berger]. She told me, "There's no masturbation in the DC Universe." To which my reaction was, "Well, that explains a lot about the DC Universe.
Neil Gaiman
#49. Maybe in the 90s or possibly in the next century people will look upon the 80s as the age of masturbation, when it was taken to the limit; that might be all that's going on right now in a big way.
Bob Dylan
#50. Whether you studied sexology or not, nobody will teach you how to screw, nobody will point to your vagina and say, hey that's where you pee and bonk! And nobody will say, hey, your penis can ejaculate when you stroke or slide it into a woman's punani!
Michael Bassey Johnson
#51. It's masturbation for writers to be able to write this absolutely outrageous personality, in a character that you somehow agree with, part of the time, at least.
Rie Rasmussen
#52. Sex without love is nothing more than a complex form of masturbation.
August Clearwing
#53. Remember how it felt yesterday? What you saw me do?" I snorted and grinned. "Man, do I ever. I remembered twice last night and again this morning.
Missy Welsh
#54. To me, video games aren't something as necessary as food or sleep, but they're just as important as delicious food, drinks, afternoon naps, walks, music, and sex (or masturbation). Not having them won't kill you, but without them, your life would be so boring you might as well be dead.
Hidetaka Suehiro
#55. Abused as we abuse it at present, dramatic art is in no sense cathartic; it is merely a form of emotional masturbation ...
Aldous Huxley
#56. Just like real sex, the touching was good, but there came a point in time when a woman needed to be filled - deeply.
Lacey Alexander
#57. Writing is a lonely pursuit. The only thing working is imagination and hands.
The only difference between writing and masturbation is one is presumably intended for a mass audience.
Mark Bell
#59. If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.
Dennis Miller
#60. I think the internet is the greatest waste of time since masturbation was discovered.
Norman Mailer
#61. A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
Karl Kraus
#62. The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well.
Sigmund Freud
#63. Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure.
Thomas Szasz
#64. I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.
John Mayer
#65. I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator.
Anna Bayes
#66. And it's not like I've never jacked off. I'm fifteen years old. Of course I do it. Any guy who says he doesn't is lying. That would be like having the coolest video game ever and never playing it. No one's that stupid.
Michael Thomas Ford
#67. When they say take from my body, I think I'll take from mine instead. Getting off, getting off while they're all down stairs.
Tori Amos
#68. Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special.
Jen Kirkman
#69. And now Kit's cock - which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment - woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up.
Amy Lane
#70. Fuck you . . . you fucking body-dysmorphia porn-addict trust-fund-baby compulsive-masturbation motherfucker.
Warren Ellis
#71. Masturbation is an absolutely peerless cure for the hiccups
Inga Muscio
#74. Sexual gratification can only be achieved through the use of machines.
Frank Zappa
#75. If I'm going to merely ramble, maybe I should just snuggle under the warm covers, think of Miu, and play with myself.
Haruki Murakami
#76. Virtual sex, no matter how realistic, was really nothing but glorified, computer-assisted masturbation.
Ernest Cline
#77. Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
Bob Saget
#78. Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
Dana Gould
#79. But it was I, yes I, who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
Woody Allen
#80. We were born into a peace of plenty, a pleasure-economy, a bonobo masturbation society. The future that our elite handlers have in store for us advertises more of the same. More detached pleasure, less risk, freedom from want, more masturbation.
Jack Donovan
#81. What do you want, douche-whore? Haven't you ruined my night enough by interrupting my mouth fucking session with your fuckhot teammate? Now you have to disturb my masturbation session, too?
Helena Hunting
#83. What was said about him, what the females needed to believe about him, was just oral masturbation for mouths that needed to be otherwise occupied.
J.R. Ward
#84. Masturbation is our first and natural form of sexual activity and if that's inhibited or damaged, then we suffer for the rest of our lives.
Betty Dodson
#85. I'm a promoter of masturbation. Don't sleep around ... learn yourself first! Guys do it, but girls don't. They should.
Taylor Momsen
#86. Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Chelsea Handler
#87. AA 241:87 - I would argue that masturbation is the human animal's most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization.
Ernest Cline
#89. Well, you know what procrastination and masturbation have in common, don't you?" She waits a beat, then answers her own question. "When it comes right down to it, you only end up screwing yourself.
Amy Hatvany
#90. Reading - like masturbation - is something you do alone and very little in life brings more pleasure.
Chloe Thurlow
#91. Philosophy is to science as masturbation is to sex.
Karl Marx
#92. I used to think masturbation was not really sex because it only involved me. That's a very limited view of human sexuality, and it isn't going to work for women.
Betty Dodson
#94. The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
Patrick Murray
#95. Masturbation is a democratic pleasure, practiced by rich and poor, young and old, married and single.
Mason Cooley
#96. The palm of his hand was a dull red. Not a good sign.
I jerk off left-handed, he thought, at least that's something.
Stephen King
#97. It is practically an axiom in psychiatry that precocious intellect combined with physical weakness can give rise to many unpleasant character traits - avarice, delusions of grandeur , and obsessive masturbation, to name just a few.
Sam Savage
#98. I hung a picture of him above my bed and learned by hand the internal workings of the female combustion engine.
Shannon Celebi
#99. Baptizing all containers with an orifice that appeals to their cock is the trivial pursuit of little boys" (23)
(rbt: every "boy" i know has done this at least 15 times
why?)
Tony Duvert
#100. The act of writing itself is done in secret, like masturbation.
Stephen King
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