Top 100 Quotes About Black Humor
#1. Black Humor (Umor): a sensation --of the theatrical (and joyless) pointlessness of everything.
Jacques Vache
#2. I'm probably a lot closer than perhaps the contents of my early fiction suggest to a jaded Denny's waitress with smoker's-lung-black humor than a ghost hunter.
Karen Russell
#3. I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny.
Issa Rae
#4. Just be careful," a Seattle homicide detective warned. "Maybe we'd better know where to find your dental records in case we need to identify you."
I laughed, but the words were jarring; the black humor that would surround Ted Bundy evermore begun.
Ann Rule
#5. It's self-effacing, it's hard-luck, the shtetl stories. All those Coasters things are an amalgam of Yiddish and black humor.
Jerry Leiber
#6. Just tell the truth, and they'll accuse you of writing black humor.
Charles Willeford
#7. I use a lot of humor in my writing. But it's completely black humor.
Kurt Vile
#8. The fact that I'm sitting here in the chilly leaves imagining ways to get rid of the boy I loved so much I brought him back from the dead is so ridiculous, so horrifying, it's almost funny. In an unbelievable, black humor way that's not really funny at all.
Amy Garvey
#9. My film is very simple: An Eastern European story full of black humor about things everyone can feel and understand.
Malgorzata Szumowska
#10. I found my personal style in black humor and mixing funny things with very touching ones - like trying to force people to cry and smile almost at the same moment.
Malgorzata Szumowska
#12. That's the problem with temptation. It's so damn tempting.
Holly Black
#13. Courtesy of their tempers, both were now dressed in the Captain Asshole costume - which included, for no extra charge, the cape of disgrace, the booties of shame, and keys to the Fuck Up mobile.
J.R. Ward
#15. Black holes are the last vestige of civilizations obsessed with tinkering.
Kane Freeman
#16. Good God." he said incredulously. "You've got a black belt in purse attack, that's for damn sure.
Linda Howard
#17. C'mon, sweetness. You don't have to run. I won't hurt you."
A pause, as though he was contemplating.
"Much." he amended, punctuating this last with a high-pitched tittering laugh that seemed to settle at the base of her neck like a giant insect, making her grind her teeth.
Kaine Andrews
#19. When I was a kid my mom used to tell me that if i have sex before i was married, my ... junk would turn black and fall off.
Cynthia Hand
#20. Go to the Black Sea, meet new people, see beautiful places, get killed by a mutant carnivorous kangaroo goat. One item off my bucket list.
Ilona Andrews
#21. There are two Newman's laws. The first one is "It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down." The second is "Just when things look darkest, they go black.
Paul Newman
#22. You're some freaky shit, my brother. You really are
J.R. Ward
#23. Don't you wish we all lived in black light ... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
Josh Stern
#25. You just gotta tell her, man,' I said. 'You just gotta say, "Angela, I really like you, but there's something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we'll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.
John Green
#26. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Rita Rudner
#27. Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony. The Black Company pg 447
Glen Cook
#28. ...Mrs. Percy understood that staying beautiful all day long is the most important aspect of being married...
Tevin Hansen
#29. He could see her planting violets on his grave, a solitary figure in a grey cloak. What a ghastly tragedy. A lump came to his throat. He became quite emotional thinking of his own death. He would have to write a poem about this.
from a Difference in Temperament
Daphne Du Maurier
#30. So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America ... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
Chris Rock
#31. He quite liked dentists' waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.
Jackson Radcliffe
#32. I'd like to do a reality show with four white people ... who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called ... Cracker Hunt.
Zach Galifianakis
#33. Brad Pitt just moved in with you. I swear, Tea, he looks just like a young Brad Pitt, and you get to keep him! This is so not fair. Walter looked like Jack Black. You know he did.-Abby
Kersten Hamilton
#34. Oh, how I want those lips on mine, and not just the ones I use to communicate.
Lena Black
#35. Why does everyone have to be so cool all the time? And also why do white people always have to act like black people to avoid looking like dorks?
Sarah Miller
#36. The cops got out of the car and came straight towards me. My first thought was, How hypocritical ... They head straight for the kid all in black ...
Bella Shadow
#37. Puss hopped down from the couch and rummaged in Mark's closet until he found a black leather belt. This he looped along his shoulder, around his waist, and then clasped together. I'm off to make war, so that you may have love.
Zechariah Barrett
#38. I don't do 'black music,' I don't do 'white music' ... I make fight music, for high school kids.
Eminem
#39. These were the early Clinton years but the economy was still sucking an eighties cock ...
Junot Diaz
#40. After using a paint chart from a local DIY superstore to identify the skin tone of his penis as midnight chocolate, Miriam stayed down on one knee and offered him the citizenship he had always wanted and the middle-aged white woman he would grudgingly accept.
David F. Porteous
#41. Plain boiled food, plain boiled thinking. Even his name is plain boiled: John. Maybe because I grew up with black bean sauce and hoisin sauce and garlic sauce, I always feel something is missing when my son-in-law talk.
Gish Jen
#42. There's always the dinner rolls," said Will, pointing to a covered basket. "Though I warn you, they're as hard as stones. You could use them to kill black beetles, if any beetles bother you in the middle of the night.
Cassandra Clare
#43. Don't worry about the bloodsucker,' Jacob suggested, and his tone was smug. 'He's just jealous.'
'Of course I am.' Edward's voice was velvet again, under control, a musical murmur in the darkness.
Stephenie Meyer
#44. Wanna dance?" he asked
"I guess you'll do. All the cute guys are already taken," I answered with a grin.
"You wound me with your callousness," he sighed dramatically, taking me in his arms.
"I do have a black belt in demolishing overstuffed egos.
Lani Woodland
#45. It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
Lewis Black
#46. I hope you die ...
P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.
Michael Ian Black
#47. I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said "That's not what I meant when I said I bought them for you".
Georgia Saratsioti
#48. He was dressed just like on TV, with lots of silver chains and bracelets, ripped jeans, and a black muscle shirt (Which was kind of stupid, since he didn't have any muscles).
Rick Riordan
#49. Moe: [Black Louie is using Larry as a human target for knife-throwing] Be careful you don't hit Larry.
Curly: Where is he?
Moe: Over there.
Curly: I don't see him.
Moe: Take off the glasses.
[Curly takes his glasses off]
Moe: Over there by the wall.
Curly: What wall?
The Three Stooges
#50. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
#51. Dear Non-American Black, when you make the choice to come to America, you become black. Stop arguing. Stop saying I'm Jamaican or I'm Ghanaian. America doesn't care.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
#52. An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots, and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
Terry Pratchett
#53. Am I going crazy? Am I supposed to believe that God is a big black woman with a questionable sense of humor?
William Paul Young
#54. Sweet lovin' Lord. This place was like a Cabela's catalog on crack
Julie Ann Walker
#55. Wow, put the girl through a couple of days of high-level stress, dress her in black leather and give her a gun, and suddenly she went all Xena: Warrior Princess.
Julie Ann Walker
#56. L shot Maki a disappointed look. But soon he forgot everything when Misa Amane appeared onstage. Enraptured he began to cheer with the girls in black lace and frilly skirts.
Tsugumi Ohba
#57. She said she doesn't like your cooking. She said she'd rather eat a microwave dinner from the convenience store instead of something you cooked. Do you get it? Hm? Why are you being such a crybaby? Save the salt from your tears for seasoning.
Kanoko Sakurakouji
#59. Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."
I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk.
"They're for you."
"You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?
Holly Black
#60. I lay
there in my black slip dress and wondered if I ought to have worn pants. I mean, who knew what I was
going to find up there? What if I had to do some climbing? People might see my underwear.
Meg Cabot
#61. I got bored," he says. "Besides, you know what's creepier than walking around your dead brothers' apartment? Sitting alone in a hearse in front of his apartment.
Holly Black
#62. I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read "12 reasons not to drink coffee". I knew we would get along.
Melody Sohayegh
#63. Remember you are never really alone. Although it may feel like it for very long stretches of time.
Steven L. Peck
#64. Fool! Nothing but black ink runs through my veins!
Hiromu Arakawa
#65. His vital signs were taken, an electrocardiogram ... which revealed occasional ventricular premature contractions. An intern took his history ... and then he was promptly ... simply ... forgotten to death.
Paddy Chayefsky
#66. So, that's okay. It's not like you're turning into an Endarkened or something, like Kellen's evil stepbrother Anigrel the Black.
Mercedes Lackey
#67. I didn't have a motive. I didn't to it. You did. What are you writing?"
"Motive - Don't know."
"What do you mean Don't know? I tell you I hadn't got one. Put None."
"You must have one. If you kill people without one, you're mad.
Pamela Branch
#68. Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Oscar Wilde
#69. Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!
Lewis Black
#70. Today he wore a burnt-orange shirt, black pants, and a tie that looked like a street fight at the south end of the color wheel.
Kathy Reichs
#71. You're playing the creepy vibe a little hard," I said. "Might as well go for broke, put on a black top hat and pipe in some organ music.
Jim Butcher
#74. Ash, you're my sister and I love you. But some days you can be about as bright as a black hole.
Karsten Knight
#75. Americans like what is easy, and it's easy to like pregnant women - they're like ducklings or bunnies or dogs. Still, it baffles me that these self-righteous, self-enthralled waddlers get such special treatment. As if it's so hard to spread your legs and let a man ejaculate between them.
Gillian Flynn
#76. I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather ... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.
Lewis Black
#77. I could think of no better place to secretly murder someone than inside a fridge. Well, actually there were probably several better ones, but none came to mind at the time.
Yahtzee Croshaw
#78. You're the only kick-ass general I know who needs three gay boys to dress him, John."
"But I only need one gay boy to undress me.
Sarah Black
#79. We will remember what it was like to lose you, our pain the black background of our electric blue joy. We will remember that there are few answers to our questions; the questions that seem to float into an endless expanse of sky.
Kelly Wilson
#80. Oh, hey, kettle, I'm pot and wow, you're black." - Owen
Olivia Cunning
#81. I thought you said you dislocated Selene's shoulder!"" Sonny called to Cait, who'd tumbled for safety into the black water behind the stern of the boat.
""I did! I guess someone elserelocated it!"" she shouted back.
Lesley Livingston
#82. A sign read "Free drinks for billiards competitors only." Hand-lettered below read "All others will pay." It was written in blood. I could tell because a red fairy with what looked like black insect wings was writing it at the time, with his own dismembered finger.
Red Tash
#83. You can do this (this thing, where your body will cease to produce hormones and your skin, hair, muscles and bones ... basically every part of you will notice, go into withdrawals, and stage a coup). Be prepared for this mentally, and you'll own this thing.
Lisa Jey Davis
#84. Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise.
J.R. Ward
#85. From time to time, you may see a girl wearing her black opaque tights as pants. They are, in fact, not.
Nina Garcia
#86. The silent horror of Archie's ordeal had been temporarily replaced by the howling, agonising pain of the blood refusing to drain from his penis, the end of which was a deep purple verging on black where Officer Griff had tested how hard it was by using the back of his hand to give it a solid twang.
Dylan Perry
#87. I'll be real discreet, Tank said.
As discreet as a six-foot-six, no-neck guy weighing three hundred and fifty pounds, all dressed in black SWAT clothes, with a Glock holstered at his side could be.
Janet Evanovich
#88. I believe in the salvation of humanity, in the future of cyanide ...
Emil Cioran
#89. HELENA. What a fine day! Not too hot. [A pause.]
VOITSKI. A fine day to hang oneself.
Anton Chekhov
#90. [Phoebe Broome] 'Well,' she said at last. 'You've now met my father. At his worst.'
[Lord Vladimir] 'Being myself widely considered my family's most difficult member, I would not presume to comment.'
'That is ... gentlemanly of you.
Alison Sinclair
#91. Now, now." I placed a hand on his back. "Jealousy colors you black, Geoff. If you
wanted to be a pretty princess too, I would have bought you a crown. I'll be back soon.
Katherine McIntyre
#92. North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
Lewis Black
#94. Brilliant? Ha! Your about as bright as a black hole!' Ellen resorted.
Charles Ogden
#95. The last void stone I'd worn was a beautiful black stone caught in vines of copper and silver. It looked like a necklace, a piece of art, really. This thing was spud-ugly.
Devon Monk
#96. Just relax and breathe through your ass.
Lewis Black
#97. If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.
Michael Ian Black
#98. Black Court vampires. I just shortened it some."
Ebenezar tsked. "Blampires. That's the problem with you young people. Shortening all the words.
Jim Butcher
#99. I don't know what it is about "magic happens"-stickers on cars but every time I see one I wanna get out my permanent marker and sneak over and write underneath it "so does cot death".
Tim Minchin
#100. I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal.
Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction.
J.R. Ward
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