Top 100 Not Kidding Quotes
#1. I eat excellent bread, clean meat, good crisp veggies, organic fruits and nice wine and cheese. It is one of the things I am truly grateful for. I'm not kidding. You can't ask a single mother of three working two jobs for minimum wage to eat that way. I am lucky.
Rachael Taylor
#2. P.S. I'm going to throw an absolutely mind-blowing fact your way. I'm not kidding, either. The country of Uganda is obsessed with Celine Dion. They dedicate entire days to broadcasting her music. They love her that much. Five words. My. Heart. Will. Go. On. Yeah.
Fisher Amelie
#3. Hey, just be grateful I'm old. When an Arcadian first starts time-walking, we only have about a three percent chance of success. I once ended up on Pluto. (Sebastian) Are you serious? (Channon) They're not kidding about it being the coldest planet. (Sebastian)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#4. Here, I have an opportunity to affect the lives of a lot of young people - and not just on my football team. I'm not kidding myself that that would be true at the professional level.
Joe Paterno
#5. All of my friends went to college and I got a job at Circle Pizza, where I worked for 24 hours. I had to call my mother four times to ask her how to spell Parmesan. I'm not kidding. I was a terrible speller. I think I was really nervous that I somehow didn't feel right out in the world in that way.
Sarah Paulson
#6. I'm totally not kidding ... Life is too short. This is all too hard to do to actually be kidding about the whole thing.
Miranda July
#7. I was a mime. I'm not kidding. I went to Northwestern University and they have a mime company, so we did a lot of training and then a lot of mime shows around Chicago.
Kerry Bishe
#8. [My mother] once cooked a ham and later found it in my father's shirt drawer. I am not kidding.
Dick Van Dyke
#9. My grandmother looks at me and shakes her head. "He got one of those intelligent phones. Now he's trying to twit the president." "Smart phones," I correct her. "And it's tweet, not twit." "He follows me," my grandfather says defensively. "I'm not kidding, he really does!
Colleen Hoover
#10. The president of the United States can't even fire his chef. I'm not kidding.
Rob Lowe
#11. We were surrounded by thirty-foot-tall giants who were about to kill us. Then the sky opened up, and the gods descended."
"Grandad," the kids said, "you are full of schist."
"I'm not kidding!" he protested.
Rick Riordan
#12. My next project is to get back to that. Actually, to learn how to write poetry. I'm not kidding.
Harry Mathews
#13. Quit that." Lisa jabbed an elbow at my ribs.
"Quit what?"
"Quit looking at him like that," she warned in a hushed tone. "I'm not kidding, Amelie. He's dangerous. He boils kittens in ritual sacrifice."
Katie wrinkled her nose. "He does not, Lisa."
"You don't know that.
Cecily White
#14. Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.
Craig Ferguson
#15. Yeah?" Stradlater said. That really interested him. About the booze hound running around the house naked, with Jane around. Stradlater was a very sexy bastard.
"She had a lousy childhood. I'm not kidding."
That didn't interest Stradlater, though. Only very sexy stuff interested him.
J.D. Salinger
#16. My car is so bad, I hit poles I'm not kidding I hit things all the times, I hit bushes it's really bad.
Selena Gomez
#17. Evan, what's your sign?'
'Right about now, I'm thinking Proceed with Caution." I'm not kidding.
S.E. Hall
#20. Xander, it's a good thing you weren't some sort of Cossack general, back in the day. You get that tone of voice, that look on your face, and I'm not kidding ... even I would follow you into hell.
Amy Lane
#21. When the idea of 'Chopped' surfaced, it was originally meant to be taped at some guy's mansion with him and his crazy Chihuahua. A stuffy fellow in a tuxedo was to host, and the losing chef's dish was then fed to the dog! I am not kidding, I saw it! I think it is genius! Twisted, but genius!
Ted Allen
#22. Did you know that a lot of Emily Dickinson's poems can be sung to the theme from Gilligan's Island? Not kidding, this is totally legit.
Chris Bohjalian
#23. When I first started going to Portland, people told me about Stumptown. They were like 'Oh, it's the best coffee,' and I thought, 'How good could it really be?' I'm like, 'Sure, great, uh ... I'd love to see it.' But then when I went, it truly, I am not kidding, is the best coffee I have ever had.
Fred Armisen
#24. My advice to American filmmakers is to marry a European. I'm not kidding. Otherwise they don't qualify for international co-production treaties.
Jeremy Thomas
#25. I'm not kidding myself. My voice alone is just an ordinary voice. What people come to see is how I use it. If I stand still while I'm singing, I'm dead, man. I might as well go back to driving a truck.
Elvis Presley
#26. You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!
Jeff Foxworthy
#27. I love eating at Sonic with my family in Oklahoma. And no, I'm not kidding.
Kristin Chenoweth
#28. I've spent a lot on clothes. I'm not kidding when I say I could have bought several country homes with the money. I've also given a lot away over time. I had a lovely Yves Saint Laurent jacket that I'd only worn once or twice, but I'm one for spring cleaning rather than storing my clothes.
Donna Air
#29. There were rumors I wasn't going to die. The whole cast was sitting around the table reading the script. I fell on the floor - I'm not kidding. I looked up at Katherine Heigl, and she was crying.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan
#30. Most of my writing is emotionally autobiographical. You've got to pull up the things that mean something to you in order for them to mean anything to your audience. That's how they know you're not kidding.
Bruce Springsteen
#31. Like every big organisation these days, the BBC is obsessed with the wellbeing of those who set foot on its premises. Studios must display warning notices if there is real glass on the set, and the other day I was presented with a booklet explaining how to use a door. I am not kidding.
Jeremy Clarkson
#32. Jack, I'm just telling you, if it turns out. . .I want you to shoot me."
"Dee - "
"I'm not kidding, not exaggerating, just telling you that I do not have it in me to handle that."
"You have a daughter, too. You don't have the luxury not to handle shit.
Blake Crouch
#33. You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
Dov Davidoff
#34. She said, and I'm not kidding, 'Is this a speaking role?' I wasn't quite sure how to answer that one.
Peter Bergman
#35. Graham Norton makes me laugh. I love him. I'm not kidding. I watch him on BBC America every week. He's so fast.
Sarah Jessica Parker
#36. It feels like you dropped your nightstick down your pants.'
'Oh, so that's where that went.'
'I'm not kidding. Is this all you? Because if so, I think I may need to rethink a few things. I may need to rethink the shape and depth of my vagina.
Charlotte Stein
#37. I keep saying that the sexy job in the next 10 years will be statisticians, and I'm not kidding.
Hal Varian
#38. Quoting Demosthenes, 'For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.' I would rather make money playing a piano in a whorehouse than arguing that no cost is incurred when employees are paid in stock options instead of cash. I am not kidding.
Charlie Munger
#39. The goddam movies. They can ruin you. I'm not kidding
J.D. Salinger
#40. My friends are very rich. Elizabeth Taylor sends flowers the size of the bathtub. I'm not kidding.
Charles Nelson Reilly
#41. She has eyes that shine like a night-hunting cat, and she's so lethal she can kill somebody with just her pinky. I'm not kidding about that.
Ann Aguirre
#42. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be anywhere. I'm not kidding.
Larry Hagman
#43. An umeboshi plum is a little Japensese salt plum. The best thing for motion sickness is to take one of these plums ... and tape it to your belly button. I'm not kidding you. This really, really works.
Marilu Henner
#44. Career mothers are not kidding anybody. Being a mom is the hardest job of all. You got to work to rest.
Sandy Duncan
#45. It is my mission to change the world. I'm not kidding: Make no small plans, dream mighty things. I feel if we get enough people engaged in climate change, we will get enough people to change the world. We will revolutionize the way we produce electricity and provide clean water to people.
Bill Nye
#46. In New York, boy, money really talks - I'm not kidding.
J.D. Salinger
#47. I later found a bookstore on the Calle de Gravina - Libros, I believe it was called. (I'm not kidding, a bookstore called "Books.")
John Irving
#48. The more expensive a school is, the more crooks it has - I'm not kidding.
J.D. Salinger
#49. Chloe, I'm not kidding. I'm not letting you out of my sight until Christmas." She squinted up at the later afternoon June sun. "Christmas? That sounds a little gimp-in-the-basement for my tastes." "If you're not into that, this relationship might not work after all," I teased.
Christina Lauren
#50. If I say I'm the best actor for the part, I mean it and I'm not kidding.
James Woods
#51. I was kidding. Even I'm not that promiscuous. You guru people have no sense of humor."
"I'm not a guru people, and I happen to have a very well developed sense of humor. Why else would I still be talking to you?
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#52. Green Lantern: "What are your powers anyway? You can't fly."
Batman: "No."
Green Lantern: "Super-strength?"
Batman: "No."
Green Lantern: "Hold on a second ... You're not just some guy in a bat costume, are you? Are you freaking kidding me?!
Geoff Johns
#53. I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are ...
David Cross
#54. I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
Demetri Martin
#55. The overture began. God! Strings! Oboes! Timpani! Are you fucking kidding me? Why, when we know what human beings are capable of doing, do we not turn our collective heads in shame at the sight of rich housewives screaming at each other on television?
Meg Howrey
#56. Bill looks different without a suit. He was wearing his old graduate school T-shirt. Which was Brown. The school. Not the color. His girlfriend was wearing sandals and a nice flowered dress. She even had hair under her arms. No kidding!
Stephen Chbosky
#57. Shaya's chasing Nick with her shotgun - and I'm not even kidding. I believe the last words she said to him before we left were, 'Run, Alpha-boy.
Suzanne Wright
#58. I think I sort of blossomed, so to speak, around 17. I started to get hips and put on weight, which I was very happy about. And that's when I met this agent, who told me I had to lose 10 pounds. I said, 'You've got to be kidding me. I finally got it on - I'm not losing it!'
Tricia Helfer
#59. For example, I'm a great fan of pornography, but I don't see any reason not to restrict it so that people walking down the street who hate pornography don't have full color pictures outside of movie theaters. Let them be in a different district. I'm kidding about pornography, but you get the point.
Paul R. Ehrlich
#60. What if I decide my destiny is someone else?'
'Then that's your decision and I would respect that. Also I know a whole lot of gods to smite whoever it is you choose instead of me.'
'You-'
'Kidding! Totally kidding. Mostly kidding. Okay, not really kidding
Kiersten White
#61. I just find it funny what people will comment on, I try to not pay that much attention to it, but the crazy part is that if I'm doing a squat and I have an action photo, they're like, "Oh your form is off!" And I'm like, are you kidding? I'm still at the gym and you're not!
Khloe Kardashian
#62. Suppose something would happen to the president, who would be in charge? The Vice President. Joe Biden? You have got to be kidding today when you say the Taliban's not our enemy.
Douglas Wilder
#63. Why can't you go back to playing princess?" "I never played princess." "Are you kidding?" he says. "Whenever Heather's mom took the two of you to the parade, you wore your fanciest dress, pretending to be the Winter Queen." "Exactly!" I say. "Queen, not princess. You raised me better than that.
Jay Asher
#64. Charlie whistled "Amazing Grace" as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn't he pick something more appropriate, like "Shout at the Devil" or "Don't fear the Reaper"? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping.
Jeaniene Frost
#65. So, you got QVC? (Simi) Afraid not, sweetie. (Astrid) You got Soap Net? (Zarek shook his head.) You got any TV? (Simi) Sorry. (Zarek) Are you kidding? You boring people. A demon needs her cable. Akri done tricked me. He didn't tell me I'd have to go without cable. (Simi)
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#66. My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding? ... Noooo ... as funny as that is, I'm not
Ellen DeGeneres
#67. You're sure he's not a vampire?' Claire said.'I've seen movies. They're sneaky.' She was kidding. Eve didn't smile.
Rachel Caine
#68. I launched into a graceful ninja-like front roll, then stood my ground to face the monstrous heathen, fearless in my determination to vanquish the deadly foe.
Nah, just kidding. I bolted, discretion being the better part of not getting dead.
A&E Kirk
#69. Family is family, and business is business. I love the boy, but not that much."
"Who are you kidding?" Heath had said. "You'd walk over coals for him."
"Yes, but I'd leave my checkbook behind while I was doing it.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
#70. Well, it's a little harder in New York. It's not as forgiving to a film crew. You hold up a bunch of New Yorkers who can't cross the street, they're not going to take it well. Southern California? They'll wait. It's cool man. In New York, they're like, 'Are you kidding me? I gotta get to work.'
Matthew Rhys
#71. Are you kidding me? We're going to steal a cop car. How could I not be naked for this story? It's going to be epic.
Tijan
#72. Just kidding," he said, standing. "Pretty sure it's just a dick in my pants and not a magic wand. But if I could wave it and help you get over him, I promise I would.
Caisey Quinn
#73. I love hip-hop videos. It was not meant as disrespect. I used to watch those videos and think, "Are these guys kidding? They've got to be kidding!" But they're not and that in itself is what makes them good.
Chris Cunningham
#74. Sometimes you say things with a smile with the precise intention of making it clear that you are not being serious, and are only kidding. If I salute a friend with a smile and say, 'How are you, you old scoundrel!' clearly I don't really mean he's a scoundrel.
Umberto Eco
#75. And Sanderson?" "Are you kidding? I bet his girlfriend is a dominatrix or something." "Or his boyfriend." "No, he's so not cool enough to be gay." She was very funny.
Mary Calmes
#76. Playtime was over. I grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her down on the bed.
Matt Abrams
#77. Zack?" Anthony's voice was suddenly serious. "You know, it's not a great idea to seduce a woman you're protecting. All kidding aside, do you want me to send Matthews over?"
"Who?"
"Junior."
"I will shoot him on sight," Zack said and hung up so he could follow Lucy into the kitchen.
Jennifer Crusie
#78. Any parent who tells their kids that they can't attend a school play or go to a soccer match because they have to work is kidding themselves. It's OK to miss a game or two or a performance here and there, but it's not all right to miss the majority of them.
Simon Sinek
#79. I steal, Winkle said, with a smile that said I'm joking and a glint in his eye that said I'm not.
Orson Scott Card
#80. He says he is starting a school here, and not just any school, but "the best of the best." He tells Signora Divino, his neighbor, "We will bring all the children from all over the world and we will live in harmony!" Is he kidding?
Sharon Creech
#81. I was just kidding, shuck-face," Minho said. "Let's all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers."
"Psycho girl ninjas?" Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho's additude.
James Dashner
#82. Polly was a writer of many deadlines. There were the ignorable deadlines, the not-to-be-taken-too-seriously deadlines: the deadlines-before-the-deadlines deadlines, and finally, the no-kidding-around deadlines. She set these various dates, she'd told him, to fool herself.
Martha Grimes
#83. It's like, are you kidding me? I'd sell way more if I just put a picture of my face. That's the fact. I'd sell more copies of me just looking cute. That's what sells more. That's what sells at Wal-Mart. Not someone in a bathtub looking like they're about to kill someone. Topless.
Sky Ferreira
#84. I'm not some piece of ass that you can just use for the night," Jake said, surprised at his own outrage. "You've got to be kidding.
Katie Rose
#85. Becca ~ Do something! she cried. Can't you build a wall of ice, or ... -
Chris ~ Are you kidding? he said. I'm not an X-Man!
Brigid Kemmerer
#86. I think Jesse [Zwick] is part of a new generation of director, because we'd be kidding ourselves if we did not acknowledge that there is this unsaid rule that the hero looks a certain way.
Nate Parker
#87. No kidding. That's really true. You're paying your own bills through this. It's not a pleasant experience.
Bruce Babbitt
#88. I would say, 'I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.' But I was just kidding myself.
Bruce Willis
#89. You keep claiming you're not mysterious, but who are you kidding?
-Keeper of the Lost Cities
Shannon Messenger
#90. The first time they'd met, in this very pub, he'd hit on her using so little finesse, she'd been forced to ask if he was kidding. Granted, they'd both had a few too many drinks that night, but nothing excused the line, "I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you." Nothing.
Tessa Bailey
#91. The werewolf pointed at a bench next to the door into the Kirkwoods' tomb. "Sit. Wait."
Did I mention werewolves were chatty?
Mindee Arnett
#92. I would rather people take me as straightforward and not have to wonder if I'm kidding or not. Because what I have to say, and what I'm interested in doing and communicating, is worthwhile enough that I don't want to muck it up with people being confused about where I'm really coming from.
Charles Grodin
#93. On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card Hot damn! You're a smart kid - I don't care what people say about you! ... I'm kidding, nobody says you're not smart. They say other stuff, but not that.
Justin Halpern
#94. What are their names? Psycho and Killer?"
He shook his head. "Cupcake and Twinkie."
My mouth dropped open. "You're kidding."
A grin flitted across his lips. "Afraid not."
If naming them after dessert snacks had been Miss Marva's attempt to make them seem cute, it wasn't working.
Lisa Kleypas
#95. Not bad"? Are you kidding me? He looks like that and his kissing skills are "not bad"? You're killing me here.
Kristina Adams
#96. I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding? Neither are you. And you wanna know what? I dig it!
Vince Vaughn
#97. I'm not David Bowie. Who are we kidding? At the end of the day, I'm the same person I've always been. I'm Don Garvey's son from up the road.
Guy Garvey
#98. They are always telling us that Carolina Blue is not a color, that it is really Columbia blue or sky blue. But there is no bad blood amongst the teammates. All of our kidding is in good fun.
Lorrie Fair
#99. How many straight men maintain inappropriately intimate relationships with their mothers? How many shop with them? I want a gay son. People laugh, but they assume I'm kidding. I'm not.
Ayelet Waldman
#100. I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
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