Top 100 Dov Davidoff Quotes

#1. The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #10174
#2. Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #18362
#3. Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #58534
#4. The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #84827
#5. Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #114832
#6. Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #121371
#7. The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #136900
#8. Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #173073
#9. Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth ... I guess.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #194921
#10. It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #198221
#11. The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #216428
#12. Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #220238
#13. Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #230166
#14. Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #303370
#15. We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #341971
#16. I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #353359
#17. Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #356024
#18. When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #385302
#19. Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #386055
#20. The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #391432
#21. There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #391640
#22. Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #409179
#23. If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #424607
#24. Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #435383
#25. Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #441120
#26. Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #503275
#27. How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #504390
#28. Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #561688
#29. No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #566476
#30. Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #569491
#31. Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #612661
#32. The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #620331
#33. Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #652974
#34. Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #660234
#35. If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #699441
#36. Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #712851
#37. People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #717881
#38. It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #728825
#39. Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #742486
#40. If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #761695
#41. Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #771627
#42. Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #782485
#43. Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #788631
#44. Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #789165
#45. At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #795130
#46. Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #798174
#47. Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #830697
#48. Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #832697
#49. I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #843507
#50. I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #867599
#51. People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #872886
#52. Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #885663
#53. The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #920188
#54. Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #937723
#55. Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #960467
#56. One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #978347
#57. You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1009739
#58. I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1013235
#59. Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1033341
#60. Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1059155
#61. Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1093593
#62. White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1096205
#63. If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1117570
#64. The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1123911
#65. Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1131566
#66. Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do ... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1133987
#67. Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1158317
#68. I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1200527
#69. If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1208017
#70. Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1224637
#71. I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1230733
#72. The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1241370
#73. Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1270590
#74. Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1271652
#75. Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1309592
#76. Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1325710
#77. Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1370413
#78. Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1384212
#79. People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1419749
#80. I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1449029
#81. America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1460526
#82. I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1476369
#83. If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1495529
#84. I think you have a lot to offer ... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1504214
#85. Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1526434
#86. When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1535038
#87. I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1542149
#88. People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1551730
#89. Parenthood seems really rewarding ... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1566201
#90. If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1567217
#91. My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1594289
#92. Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1625628
#93. I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1630478
#94. I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1638011
#95. Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1645364
#96. TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1646157
#97. Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1647312
#98. I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1743874
#99. A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1780882
#100. Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Dov Davidoff

Dov Davidoff Quotes #1858169

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