Top 100 Dov Davidoff Quotes
#1. The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
Dov Davidoff
#2. Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
Dov Davidoff
#3. Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
Dov Davidoff
#4. The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.
Dov Davidoff
#5. Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.
Dov Davidoff
#6. Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.
Dov Davidoff
#7. The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.
Dov Davidoff
#8. Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.
Dov Davidoff
#9. Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth ... I guess.
Dov Davidoff
#10. It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.
Dov Davidoff
#11. The man I want to be could easily beat me up.
Dov Davidoff
#12. Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.
Dov Davidoff
#13. Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
Dov Davidoff
#14. Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.
Dov Davidoff
#15. We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
Dov Davidoff
#16. I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.
Dov Davidoff
#17. Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
Dov Davidoff
#18. When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.
Dov Davidoff
#19. Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
Dov Davidoff
#20. The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.
Dov Davidoff
#21. There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.
Dov Davidoff
#22. Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
Dov Davidoff
#23. If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.
Dov Davidoff
#24. Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
Dov Davidoff
#25. Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
Dov Davidoff
#26. Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.
Dov Davidoff
#27. How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
Dov Davidoff
#28. Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.
Dov Davidoff
#29. No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
Dov Davidoff
#30. Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
Dov Davidoff
#31. Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
Dov Davidoff
#32. The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.
Dov Davidoff
#33. Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
Dov Davidoff
#34. Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.
Dov Davidoff
#35. If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
Dov Davidoff
#36. Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.
Dov Davidoff
#37. People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Dov Davidoff
#38. It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
Dov Davidoff
#39. Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Dov Davidoff
#40. If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.
Dov Davidoff
#41. Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
Dov Davidoff
#42. Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Dov Davidoff
#43. Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
Dov Davidoff
#44. Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
Dov Davidoff
#45. At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.
Dov Davidoff
#46. Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
Dov Davidoff
#47. Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.
Dov Davidoff
#48. Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
Dov Davidoff
#49. I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.
Dov Davidoff
#50. I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Dov Davidoff
#51. People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
Dov Davidoff
#52. Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
Dov Davidoff
#53. The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
Dov Davidoff
#54. Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
Dov Davidoff
#55. Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
Dov Davidoff
#56. One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
Dov Davidoff
#57. You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
Dov Davidoff
#58. I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.
Dov Davidoff
#59. Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
Dov Davidoff
#60. Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.
Dov Davidoff
#61. Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.
Dov Davidoff
#62. White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
Dov Davidoff
#63. If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.
Dov Davidoff
#64. The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
Dov Davidoff
#65. Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
Dov Davidoff
#66. Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do ... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
Dov Davidoff
#67. Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
Dov Davidoff
#68. I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Dov Davidoff
#69. If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
Dov Davidoff
#70. Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.
Dov Davidoff
#71. I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.
Dov Davidoff
#72. The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
Dov Davidoff
#73. Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.
Dov Davidoff
#74. Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
Dov Davidoff
#75. Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
Dov Davidoff
#76. Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
Dov Davidoff
#77. Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.
Dov Davidoff
#78. Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.
Dov Davidoff
#79. People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
Dov Davidoff
#80. I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.
Dov Davidoff
#81. America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
Dov Davidoff
#82. I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.
Dov Davidoff
#83. If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.
Dov Davidoff
#84. I think you have a lot to offer ... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
Dov Davidoff
#85. Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
Dov Davidoff
#86. When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Dov Davidoff
#87. I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Dov Davidoff
#88. People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.
Dov Davidoff
#89. Parenthood seems really rewarding ... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.
Dov Davidoff
#90. If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
Dov Davidoff
#91. My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
Dov Davidoff
#92. Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.
Dov Davidoff
#93. I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.
Dov Davidoff
#94. I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
Dov Davidoff
#95. Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
Dov Davidoff
#96. TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.
Dov Davidoff
#97. Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.
Dov Davidoff
#98. I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
Dov Davidoff
#99. A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
Dov Davidoff
#100. Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
Dov Davidoff
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