Top 100 Mom Humor Quotes
#1. *marissa tries to get her single, working mother's attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*
'You're a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.
Camille Pagan
#2. Violet: "Are you guilting me into coming?" I glare over the rim of my mug.
Mom: "Not at all. I'm just throwing out hypotesticals."
Violet: "I cough-choke. "Do you mean hypotheticals?"
Mom: "That's what I said.
Helena Hunting
#3. Ooh, big day in town for our park warden," I said. "They're even making you wear the uniform.
Hayley's mom will be happy. She thinks you look hot in it."
Dad turned as red as his hair.
Mom's laugh floated out from her studio. "Maya Delaney. Leave your father alone.
Kelley Armstrong
#4. I hadn't realized she could shrink ... It makes sense now with the tricks Ari was able to perform with her."
"She wasn't born that way. Her mother was a scientist working to reduce subatomic particles."
"And whose mom isn't?" Raven joked. "Was Rick Moranis involved somehow?
J.T. Bock
#5. Are you okay?"
"Leave me alone, Charlie."
"No, really. What's wrong?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"I could try."
"That's a laugh. That's really a laugh."
"Do you want me to wake up Mom and Dad then?"
"No."
"Well, maybe they could -"
"CHARLIE! SHUT UP! OKAY?! JUST SHUT UP!
Stephen Chbosky
#6. Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.
Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl's Guide to Casting. My Mom Wants to Kill Me: A Self-Help Book For Teens.
Kami Garcia
#7. Mom talks about moving to Canada as though my father had requested she start wearing fun hats. "Why not try it?" she thought, instead of "This fucking lunatic wants me to go to a country made of ice and casual racism.
Scaachi Koul
#8. Becky Renee Apple - can you believe her mom named her that and then had all of her sweaters monogramed with 'BRA'?
P.C. Cast
#9. Motormouth: So this is love? Well, love is a gift and a lot of people forget that. So you two better brace yourselves for a whole lot of ugly coming your way on a never ending train of stupid.
Penny: So you met my mom?
Mark O'Donnell
#10. As for my own truncated secondary education, my head was in the clouds as my mom would say, or if you asked my father, up my ass.
Michael J. Fox
#11. At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
George Lopez
#12. The smell slaps me sideways. Like when Mom grabs a container she forgot about from the back of the fridge and she says, "Here Mickey, smell this and see if it's still good," and I open it and take a whiff before noticing the fuzz. Like that.
Mick Bogerman
#13. At the last parent visitation night I'd sorta accidentally watched a majorly nightmarish scene between Aphrodite and her parents. Her dad's the mayor of Tulsa. Her mom might be Satan.
P.C. Cast
#14. My humor came from seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked - just weird hippie stuff, twisted R-rated humor.
Shia Labeouf
#15. You know, this isn't how I imagined meeting Sophie's first real boyfriend."
"Mom."
Archer gave me a little squeeze. "You mean I'm the first guy your parents have rescued from an enchanted island via use of a magic mirror? I feel so special."
~ Grace, Sophie, Archer
Rachel Hawkins
#16. As my mom used to say,If wishes were horses, we'd be up to our eyeballs in shit.
Cat Adams
#17. [Lynda's mother] You're stupid and you don't know it, that's you're problem. You talk, talk, talk, all the time. No one wants to listen to an idiot.
[Young Lynda] Uh. OK. Thanks, Mom.
Lynda Barry
#18. Helen and Buster got down and started praying with Mom, but I just stood there looking at them. The way I saw it, I was the one who'd saved us all, not Mom and not some guardian angel.
Jeannette Walls
#19. If your mom's a witch, what does that make you? Harry Potter?
Kendare Blake
#20. Mom has a massive sunflower for a soul so big there's hardly any room in her for organs. Jude and me have one soul between us that we have to share: a tree with its leaves on fire. And Dad has a plate of maggots for his.
Jandy Nelson
#21. In this modern day and age America's newest slogan is: Mom, apple pie and high-speed Internet. They say you can live two weeks without food, a day or so without water but take someone's smart phone away, and that person won't last five minutes."
- Will Roberts
Will Roberts
#22. Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!"
Michael Keaton character in "Mr. Mom
Mark Buff
#23. Keeping a sense of humor about life. My parents divorced when I was 8, and whenever I felt down, my mom would remind me that a sense of humor gets you through just about anything.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
#24. The young nihilists," Dad called us.
"What are nihilists?"
"Nihilists believe that nothing has any meaning. They believe in nothing."
"Yeah," said Earl. "I'm a nihilist.
"Me, too," I said.
"Good for you," Dad said, grinning. Then he stopped grinning and said, "Don't tell your mom.
Jesse Andrews
#25. Mom stood over the still thrashing ghost with the bat and brought it down on its head again and again. "Leave him alone, leave my family alone!" she screamed. "We are not going to die in a stupid gas station in the middle of nowhere!
C.A. Marshall
#26. She suspects her husband, Jake, might be gay."
"Did you suggest she ask him?"
Mom laughed. "Of course not. Business is slow.
Lisa Lutz
#27. Are you sure you weren't adopted?"
"Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory's real clear.
Jana Deleon
#28. First of all, let me get this straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say 'diary' on it.
Jeff Kinney
#29. Remember: eye contact," he says. "And be sure to smile."
"You are such a mom."
"You know what your problem is?"
"That my boyfriend is acting like a mom?
Christina Baker Kline
#30. I'm lucky that my real-life Mom has both a great sense of humor about herself and an amazing ability to slip into complete denial if the subject matter gets a little too close to home.
Cathy Guisewite
#31. Basically I'm pretty sure my mom thinks a well-thought-out list has the power to make time her personal bitch.
Susan Ranelle Amari
#32. You won't want to leave when you've tasted Mom's fried chicken, Matt said with a touching faith in the power of grease.
Jane Davitt
#33. What did the lawyer say?" I couldn't stop the little snicker that slipped out as I sat back up in the seat and laced my fingers behind my head.
"Before or after I kissed her?"
"Zeb!" My mom gave me a hard look and my sister just shook her head.
Jay Crownover
#34. Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.
Bauvard
#35. Parental looks rely a lot on brow positioning. Whereas the Dad Look involves the lowering of the brow as a whole, the Mom Look takes advantage of the power of the single, raised brow. Of Doom.
Susan Bischoff
#36. I hear you're going to boarding school," she said. "Whose idea was that?"
"Mine," I said.
"I could never send Kyle to boarding school," Audrey said.
"I guess you love Kyle more than my mom loves me," I said, and played my flute as I skipped down the hall.
Maria Semple
#37. When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.
Jim Gaffigan
#38. I could just hear my mom now, You know those old candy cigarettes are bad for you. Next thing you know, you'll be drinking alcohol, and they'll find you dead in a ditch somewhere. I'll never be able to show my face in this town again.
K. Martin Beckner
#39. I thought my family was really funny. Everybody in my family was funny. My mom and dad both have great senses of humor and really saw the funny in stuff, so I think that's probably where it came from. I always try to see the funny in things.
Christine Ebersole
#40. Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
Tim Allen
#41. I haven't slept with him, Mom." I whispered, lying through my teeth. I just didn't want to discuss my sex life with her. She would probably critique my oral skills or something.
"I should have known. You don't sleep with anybody. That's why you can't keep a man.
L.D. Davis
#42. The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.
Chuck Palahniuk
#43. I got to give mom credit for how she handled it.She didn't try to pry and get all the details. All she said was that I should try to do "the right thing" because it's our choices that make us who we are. I figure that's pretty decent advice. But I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to do tomorrow.
Jeff Kinney
#44. Mom: Your hair is getting long. Who are you trying to be? John Lennon?
David: Cher.
Mom: Your voice isn't deep enough.
Dan Skinner
#45. My mom once told me that my dad had given me an alliterative name, Wade Watts, because he thought it sounded like the secret identity of a superhero. Like Peter Parker or Clark Kent.
Ernest Cline
#46. My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom.
James Aquilone
#47. Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!"
"Goodnight mom!
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#48. I'd been preparing myself to apologize. Forgive and forget, as Mom says. "Fuck you," I said.
Tara Kelly
#49. Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!
George Lopez
#50. Mom asked Dad "where is Mickey?" Dad said that the hogs are him, that's when the pot of beans went flying through the air. Uncle Leroy said, "I think I'll go back home now.
Mickey R. Mullen
#51. My dad has a dry, deadpan sense of humor, and my mom has an unexpected, wacky take on things. They really encouraged laughing at ourselves and the weirdness of situations that come up growing up in politics.
Kristin Gore
#52. You know who DOES have a funny bone in her body? Your Mom every night for a dollar!
Tina Fey
#53. Before my mom decided she was a lesbian, I thought lesbians were all these really nice, earthy, crunchy, let's smother you with our twenty extra pounds of lady love and fight the power people.
Alison Umminger
#54. I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I'm petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!
Tanya Masse
#55. The bride's getting ready to toss her bouquet, so get me up there! Mom said the day after she turned 96.
June Shaw
#56. As your abilities begin to grow, your angelic side will start to manifest itself in more noticeable ways."
"My angelic side. Great. Like I don't have enough to deal with."
"It's not so bad," Mom says. "You'll learn to control it."
"I'll learn to control my hair?
Cynthia Hand
#57. Mom says it's because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome
Nicholas Sparks
#58. I'm a pretty tenacious person; I get that from my mom. So sometimes, I use dark humor. I can't take myself too seriously.
Art Alexakis
#59. Mom's a hypochondriac, too, so the best part was that every week she would get the disease that the medical shows were dramatizing. I'll never forget, they did an episode on sickle cell anemia, which as far as I know, is almost exclusively an African-American affliction.
Kathy Griffin
#60. I nod"Maybe.But I'm pretty sure mom won't consent to a field trip across the country with my hot boyfriend.Especially not back to Florida."I clamp my mouth shut so fast my teeth should be chipped. He grins."You think I'm hot?"
"my mom thinks you are." Except, mom's not the one blushing right now.
Anna Banks
#61. Noah's mom and dad were academics and socially inept, so Noah had never invited her over to his house because his parents wouldn't like it. And Eden had never invited Noah over to her house because she didn't want him to die.
Samantha Young
#62. Sometimes being a MOM is like a good
ol' country song! You lose your sleep, you lose your hair, you lose your patience, you lose your energy, you lose your memory AND you lose your SANITY! But you DO IT all for LOVE!
Tanya Masse
#63. We'll make it a blowout like in the olden days."
"When dinosaurs roamed the earth?" Teddy asked.
"Exactly," Dad said. "When dinosaurs roamed the earth and your mom and I were young.
Gayle Forman
#64. That's your mom, right?" Pathik smiled. "She looks nicer than she did when she was dragging you away the other night.
Teri Hall
#65. How about if you turn over, baby?" Wolf licked his way up Tristan's back to nibble at the spot between his shoulder blades. "And we can take turns working our way through these condoms my mom brought us.
Rhys Ford
#66. A lot of people don't get my humor. My mom calls it dry humor. I think that means "not funny," but it also means I'm the only one who ever knows it's a joke.
Kasie West
#67. Kids are supposed to relax on vacations, and enjoy themselves, not sitting in the back seat of a car making peace with death and gripping a rosary because Mom is playing chicken with oncoming cars in the mountains.
Joshua David Swift
#68. This girl who's slept a hundred years has something after all. It's called Centuryitis, and it has turned me into a man. Oh, what will mamma think when she sees me?!
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#69. Evelyn: There's nothing wrong with embracing one's emotions.
Brittany: Mom, You don't just embrace your emotions, you make love to them hard-core.
Gena Showalter
#70. I could only approach girls half my age, so I never brought any girl home. Mom thought I was disciplined, but the truth is that I was deprived.
Nick Nwaogu
#71. When I was a kid my mom used to tell me that if i have sex before i was married, my ... junk would turn black and fall off.
Cynthia Hand
#72. I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all, "Honey, Christmas is family time, we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.
Christopher Moore
#73. I wondered what the FML post would look like.
"Today, when my father tried to shoot me, I found out he was an assassin monger who's been keeping my mom locked away in a secret facility for freaky killers. FML."
Seriously. F.M.L.
Jus Accardo
#75. Mia: I was sixteen when I first realized my mom was more concerned about my appearance than I was ... I'll be talking to my mom and realize she hasn't heard a word because she's studying my face to see if the foundation I'm using is a good match for my skin tone.
Mia Fontaine
#76. Tiger resists. "WAIT. We're ALL friends HERE. What is it you wanna talk about? SEX? The new DILDO my mom bought me? Or the HAIR on my sister's ASS-
Giorge Leedy
#77. Damn it,Izzy, I told you, keeping a low profile is an essential part of every job."
"I was trying!"
"And breaking someone's arm by second period? That was your attempt at trying?
Rachel Hawkins
#78. I hate when I'm not done with my cup but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz
Karen Quan
#79. Mom actually said that?" Cassie's face shown with happiness. "She always hated my math!"
"Nah," Martin said. "She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents told us what they really think about stuff, we could figure them out like regular people.
Clare B. Dunkle
#80. This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?" "He's a she," Mom said. "Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed." "Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.
Kelley Armstrong
#81. My rugrats give me gifts that say "#1 Mom" on them and I'm like, bwhahahahaha, joke's on you, I'm more like the #1,297,279 Mom. But they truly think I'm the best mom on earth. And that's all that matters.
Karen Alpert
#82. Well, this was nice, Mom. I really appreciate your visit. We
should do this again sometime. Should I walk you to the door, or
do you know how to get to hell all by yourself?
Ty Mitchell
#83. I'm going to imagine that converstion now. 'Hi, Mom, it's me. I ran away to Paris with a stranger I met under a bridge. He's really old, too, like twenty-five or something, and a soldier, so I helped him desert from his army, and, oh, did I mention he's a Communist' ...
Rosanne Parry
#84. The only way to cry your eyes out and laugh your ass off at the same time is to have your mom or girlfriends present. Without them, the laughing part wouldn't be nearly as fun.
Shannon L. Alder
#85. Mom: 'You could have neon green hair, and it wouldn't take away how beautiful you are,' she said
Clara: 'You're my mother. You are legally required to say that'.
Cynthia Hand
#86. Mom. I have something to tell you. I'm undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I'm here to tell you that undead are just like you and me ... well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.
Cassandra Clare
#87. On the first day of middle school I wore high-heeled shoes that you weren't allowed to wear. I remember being so embarrassed because in every class I went to they kept pointing out that I couldn't wear these shoes. I wanted to call my mom and have her bring me new shoes!
Emma Stone
#88. Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence. "Boys are like candy," she suddenly says. I grin. "Really, Mom? That's your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens?
Rucy Ban
#89. Fighting! Fighting like white-trash dumb monkey ...
-Park's mom
Rainbow Rowell
#90. My mom was so upset that she took me shopping for new clothes.
Stephen Chbosky
#91. Motherhood is a constant battle of wanting to go to bed early so you can catch up on sleep and wanting to stay awake so you can enjoy some peace and sanity!
Tanya Masse
#92. Have either of you seen your mother "
"Yeah " Ethan said and my heart actually skipped a beat.
But I should have known Ethan was joking. "Slim lady. Blue eyes and a gray pageboy " he continued his eyes glistening in appreciation of his own humor. "Answers to the name 'Mom'.
Rachel Vincent
#93. It needs to be said that sometimes my mom forgets important details when she talks. Like the time she told us she was considering leather (couches, it turns out), or when I was little and she said, "Here's a napkin to put your balls in" (the Atomic Fireballs that I was eating, she meant).
Bill Konigsberg
#94. Hey, Mom and Dad, this is my "friend" Jamie. My boyfriend Jamie. We're going to England together. Also, I met him in a secret society. We're Diggers,folks. And Eli graduates. And in love.What do you think?
Diana Peterfreund
#95. Cake is for the weak, Mom always says. Funny, I thought it was for birthdays.
Danielle Joseph
#96. I could imagine being his mom and loving him a lot, if that makes sense.
B.J. Novak
#97. Go hug a nursing mom -- but not too hard. Her boobs may hurt.
Cassi Clark
#98. Mom hopped up to turn off the burner, but it subsided before she got there. 'If this--whatever it is--starts playing with fire,' she said through clenched teeth, 'I'm going to give it a spanking.
Ann Hodgman
#99. To me, Lorelai was equal parts Gal About Town and The Mom, plus a magical mix of smarts and humor that made her totally unique.
Lauren Graham
#100. Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right!
J. Thomas Steele
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