Top 100 Men Humor Quotes
#1. I'm so good at my job the law thinks I'm three different hit men and a serial killer. I speak Russian and French, I never had a pet, and the reason why you hate my coffee is that it's decaf.
J. Fally
#2. He's an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I've slept with.
Lila Shaw
#3. A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
Henny Youngman
#7. And why did men insist on buying the largest size? Didn't they understand the concept of sizes? Did they think buying a magnum sized condom was going to fool me into thinking their Toyota Camery was an aircraft carrier?
Penny Reid
#8. There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Dustin Hoffman
#9. Is everyone from your planet like you?" Leyon asked, his gaze intent.
"For the most part," she replied.
"You have no men on your planet."
"We do!
Lizzy Ford
#10. Fortunately for Alan's sake, Frank preferred beauty over age so I had no need to defend my territory.
Nicole Castle
#11. Okay, guys. Stop it. Are you going to start peeing on me to mark your territory?
Maegan Lynn Moores
#12. 'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.'
Kim Fielding
#13. I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Henny Youngman
#14. We have ample testimony to her sense of humor; Cleopatra was a wit and a prankster. There is no cause to question how she read Herodotus's further assertion that Egypt was a country in which the women urinate standing up, the men sitting down.
Stacy Schiff
#15. Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
Neil Gaiman
#17. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Rita Rudner
#18. Prideful fool. It hurt his feelings that he couldn't make my crazy go away. You know how men are. Always trying to fix things can't be fixed.
Ken Wheaton
#19. Quaint and picturesque, though I didn't voice my opinion out loud. Keirran and Annwyl were faeries, and Kenzie was a girl, so it was okay for them to notice such things. as a card-carrying guy club, I wasn't going to comment on the floral arrangements.
Julie Kagawa
#20. Men sucked more than any known creature.
Kylie Scott
#21. For a man, he has to learn how to get along without a woman for periods of time. For a woman, she has to learn how to get along without a man for periods of time. That's how men and women learn to be able to get along with each other.
Art Hochberg
#22. Men of humor are always in some degree men of genius; wits are rarely so, although a man of genius may, amongst other gifts, possess wit, as Shakespeare.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
#23. It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.
Lois Greiman
#24. They call me the confuser. Is he a man ... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.
Noel Fielding
#26. When I was a child there were many witches, and they bewitched both cattle and men, especially children.
Martin Luther
#27. Girls are so much nicer than men (apart from Tom-but homosexual).
Helen Fielding
#28. I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Henny Youngman
#29. To this day, I've found that it doesn't matter what a guy looks like if he's really funny. His sense of humor makes him attractive. On the other hand, you don't hear men saying, 'No she's not pretty, but is she ever funny!'
Catherine O'Hara
#30. Suzanne sat in Roger's chair, staring at the reflection of her dread morning face. Roger browsed his cassette rack. "Do you want calming or stimulating?" he asked her.
Suzanne mulled it over for a few moments. It was a question she had asked herself about men.
Carrie Fisher
#31. I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.
Oscar Wilde
#32. I thought about getting out and looking for some kind of clue, until I realized how silly that was. Did I think I was Tonto, faithful Indian guide? I couldn't look at a bent twig and tell how many white men had been past in the last hour.
Jeff Lindsay
#33. ...and then she realized: they WERE all alike!
Anne Taintor
#34. I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Mitch Hedberg
#35. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
#36. A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn't leave me for someone prettier.
Cindi Madsen
#37. I'm not short," Daisy muttered. "Short women are never mysterious, or elegant, or pursued by handsome men. And they're always treated like children. I refuse to be short.
Lisa Kleypas
#38. After a murmur of general assent, Ariadne spoke up. "And oh my God, I have to pump my boobs. You guys, you don't even know. It's like having blue balls strapped to your chest!" After a horrified silence, the men practically ran screaming from the building.
Amy Lane
#39. Then the small man suddenly ran after them and said:
"I want to get my haircut. I say, do you know a little shop anywhere where they cut hair properly? I keep on having my hair cut, but it keeps on growing again."
One of the tall men looked at him with the air of a pained naturalist.
G.K. Chesterton
#40. You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out how men think, and you'll always be wrong. That's because they're so much simpler than we are. They don't think half the time. They just want what they want and then go for it.
Kim Gatlin
#41. I can't help it, Kate. And I'm laughing at me. I feel like one of those sappy men who run around with a big grin on his face all the time. I feel like grinning all the time around you, and it's so idiotic.
Christine Feehan
#42. Mom says it's because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome
Nicholas Sparks
#43. In other words, he looked like uniformed police hotness, and she wasn't entirely uninterested in being cuffed. Wait. That's a bad thought. I don't mean it. She took him in again, her throat suddenly dry. Well, she didn't exactly not mean it, but she knew better than to want it.
Cindi Madsen
#44. Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
Mary Ann Shaffer
#45. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
#47. Women's potential to disrupt patriarchy and make men vulnerable is why it's so easy for women to make men feel foolish or emasculated through the mildest humor that focuses on maleness and hints at women's power to stop going along with the status quo.
Allan G. Johnson
#48. A Beautiful Woman Is A Baggage. Thank God Yours Is A Suit Case
Maurys Gaucho
#49. You guys are not leaving me out there. They're going to talk books and sex. And the books are about sex. Who knew women were so damn chatty about sex? Men don't do that. We just look at a girl, announce we did her, and everyone moves on.
Lexi Blake
#50. THERE ARE SOME MEN who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joseph Morelli did this to me - not forever, but periodically.
Janet Evanovich
#51. But women had to overlook men's personality flaws, else nobody would ever wed and/or reproduce and the human race would come to an end.
Loretta Chase
#52. A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
Mitch Hedberg
#53. Men are like dogs, Stacy was fond of saying. And she usually went on to add that, like dogs, they all took up too much space on the bed, and they always went for the crotch.
Lisa Kleypas
#54. I can suck the chrome off a bumper and leave the car still standing. In other words, I am sexually gifted, a hero among gay men.
J.P. Barnaby
#55. There are some men who are witty when they are in a bad humor, and others only when they are sad.
Joseph Joubert
#56. The malicious humor of men, though perverse and refractory, is not so savage and invincible but it may be wrought upon by kindness, and altered by repeated obligations.
Plutarch
#57. The Devil ... clutched hold of the miserable young man ... and flew off with him through the ceiling, since which time nothing has been heard of him.
Martin Luther
#58. Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges.
Thomas W. Higginson
#59. He's got _go_, anyhow.'
Certainly, he's got go,' said Gudrun. 'In fact I've never seen a man that showed signs of so much. The unfortunate thing is, where does his _go_ go to, what becomes of it?
D.H. Lawrence
#60. No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
Eoin Colfer
#61. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
#62. A bit of sniffles and men are more work than a brood of babies.
Nora Roberts
#63. What's a feminist?" Julie asked.
"Someone who thinks women are fish," Barton replied. He was smiling at Lily. "And that men are bicycles, which makes us basically useless to anyone of the fish persuasion. But it does categorize us as creatures who exist solely for the purpose of being ridden.
Dianne Dixon
#64. You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!
Georgette Heyer
#65. Men are linear creatures, led by their lusts. You only have to give them an excuse to act on what they already want to do.
Nancy Gideon
#66. The wizards were civilized men of considerable education and culture. When faced with being inadvertently marooned on a desert island they understood immediately that the first thing to do was place the blame
Terry Pratchett
#67. I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.
Jim Butcher
#68. Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious.
P.G. Wodehouse
#69. Men these days expect their wives to be as dazzling as their mistresses."
That's shocking," said the Major. "How on earth will they tell them apart?
Helen Simonson
#70. He was one of your wicked, fascinating men. After he got married he left off being fascinating and just kept on being wicked.
L.M. Montgomery
#71. You want me to invite him to dinner."
"I want you to invite him to dinner," she agreed.
"You know," he said, "most gay men don't have mothers who are this enthusiastic about their love lives."
"That's probably true," she said. "You're one of the lucky ones.
Matthew Haldeman-Time
#72. And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
Bo Burnham
#73. Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.
Jerry Lewis
#74. A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Rodney Dangerfield
#75. I never cared for red headed men. I think they look like shrimp boiled to peel.
Anita Diamant
#76. Apparently profanity had a way of making men listen.
Megan Shepherd
#77. Despite what you think you know, most people don't want to fight, especially when evenly matched. ... That's why you see those pissed young men doing the dance of "don't hold me back" while desperately hoping someone likes them enough to hold them back.
Ben Aaronovitch
#78. Should Never,Ever have got involved with Men again. Had completely forgotten the nightmare of 'Why hasn't he called
Helen Fielding
#79. Mistrust all men, and slay him whom thou mistrustest overmuch; and as for women, flee from them, for they are evil, and in the end will destroy thee.
H. Rider Haggard
#80. There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell.
Eoin Colfer
#81. It was the joy of your life to know Clark Gable. He was everything good you could think of. He had delicious humor, he had great compassion, he was always a fine old teddy bear. In no way was he conscious of his good looks, as were most other men in pictures at that time. Clark was very unactorly.
Joan Blondell
#82. Mike's brain was hardwired directly into his genitals and most higher functions appeared to have switched themselves off. In other words, he was just like most men.
Jackson Radcliffe
#83. 'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.'
Kim Fielding
#84. Your quick 'no' is because I refused to say 'yes' to sex. They say men think with their dicks. I hope you do not run Easton with your -
Avery Aster
#85. In the past quarter century, we exposed biases against other races and called it racism, and we exposed biases against women and called it sexism. Biases against men we call humor.
Warren Farrell
#86. To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I've never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They're really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible?
Kathy Griffin
#87. Men naturally warm and heady are transported with the greatest flush of good-nature.
Joseph Addison
#88. Women don't have a sense of humor," Bertie said. "They don't need one. The Almighty made them as a permanent joke on men. From which one may logically deduce that the Almighty is a female.
Loretta Chase
#89. There are times when I love to play all kinds of complicated games in painting. But this is one case when I need to be fairly straightforward. I'll just try to paint the man, his intelligence, his amiability and his stature, maybe paint him fairly close to humor and try to get it just right.
Nelson Shanks
#90. So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
Tim Vine
#91. [Looking like a straight girl] means wearing clothes that seek and destroy comfort. These are garments designed by gay men to attract heterosexual men. The straight girl is simply the hanger for an inside joke.
Mary Dugger
#92. Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again.
Mark Twain
#93. I knew it," she snapped. "You're no different from all men. You're just another jerk pretending to be single! I didn't wanna wrap a lie into a Christmas present anyway.
Maha Erwin
#94. Those men want to take Laurence from me, and put him in prison, and execute him, and I will not let them, ever, and I do not care if Laurence tells me not to squash you, he added, fiercely, to Lord Barham.
- Temeraire
Naomi Novik
#95. You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?"
"Only a man would think of that.
It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.
Terry Pratchett
#96. Can I have a glass of water?" Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She'd always sounded like that after they'd-
He didn't just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a crawl space and walled it up alive.
Jenny Trout
#97. It is not," Valency could hear her mother's prim, dictatorial voice asserting, "it is not MAIDENLY to think about MEN.
L.M. Montgomery
#99. Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.
Dermot Davis
#100. Young men speak about the future because they have no past, and old men speak of the past because they have no future.
Boyd K. Packer
