Top 100 Humor Sex Quotes
#1. People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
C. JoyBell C.
#2. When I was a boy, I naively thought that this thing called happiness would be something I would wake up to find every day once I could smoke, drink and fornicate.
Jeffrey Bernard
#3. Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.
Karl Kraus
#4. I'm so ready you could drive a truck straight up my ass and I would bend over and push back until it was in to the rear bumper.
Cameron Dane
#5. If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must surrender.
Carroll Bryant
#7. Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
Eugene Mirman
#8. Love means never to have to say, "That hooker meant nothing to me" - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy
E.J. Eisman
#10. The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".'
'Do I?
Patrick Rothfuss
#11. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
Rodney Dangerfield
#12. I'm sorry, anal sex," Beavers continued, embarrassed by her slip of the tongue.
Dale Carpenter
#14. I have often reflected within myself on this unaccountable humor in womankind of being smitten with everything that is showy and superficial, and on the numberless evils that befall the sex from this light fantastical disposition.
Joseph Addison
#15. You know, I'm not even sure how we ended up living together."
"I am," Jake said, turning back to the lake. "Sex. It's a powerful force, my boy, and women use it."
"Is that why you gave them up?" Will asked, sympathetically. "Did paranoia drive you to celibacy?
Jennifer Crusie
#16. Fuck, Christina."
"Yes, fuck Christina. I think she'd like that.
Nenia Campbell
#17. Can you ... make it different this time?"
"Different, how?"
"Different position, different ... something. I want to learn it all."
Whoa, pressure. When Maira's genius brain wanted to learn something, she really applied herself.
Alisha Rai
#18. We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!
Bryan Lee O'Malley
#19. I wish," I said. "I could save orgasms in a jar for when I need them, because I think I have a few extra.
Charlaine Harris
#20. Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys
either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Eugene Mirman
#21. Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
Robert A. Heinlein
#22. I hired you for your attitude, and so far I'm pretty happy with my decision. But I'm not sure I can work with you until I've fucked this attraction out of my system.
J.C. Reed
#23. But I don't care what Megan Fox or Jessica Biel say: There are definite advantages to being the hottest girl on the planet. Number one was that I got paid for it. A lot.
Meg Cabot
#24. A nation's not a child, for God's sake ... It's like a wild horse you tame by breaking it. Or a fiery woman you slap till she sees sense and warms your bed.
David Hewson
#25. I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator.
Anna Bayes
#26. I used to think that looking across a pillow into the fabulous face of Buster Keaton would be a more thrilling destiny than any screen career.
Anita Loos
#27. Tiger resists. "WAIT. We're ALL friends HERE. What is it you wanna talk about? SEX? The new DILDO my mom bought me? Or the HAIR on my sister's ASS-
Giorge Leedy
#28. Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
#29. Sally laughed. "When you first told me you were interested in Decebel, I honestly thought that there was no way you two would ever work. But man, you are both such freaks, I honestly don't think anyone else could put up with either of you."
"Or keep up with us." Jen winked.
Quinn Loftis
#30. Back in the day, it was either both a mother and her daughter had pubic hair, or the daughter didn't. Today, in many a case, the mother is the one who doesn't.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#31. The northern star changes its position every ten thousand years, but friendships can last for all eternity.
- RJPeters
R.J. Peters
#32. No matter which sex I went to bed with, I never smoked on the street
Florence King
#33. If hitting an unexpected speed bump with your car equates to the best sex you've had lately, you know your hormones are sending you a signal.
Ellen Phillips
#34. They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion).
Hanya Yanagihara
#35. Dalia picked up her negligee. She didn't need my help, it wasn't very heavy.
Philip Kerr
#36. Yep, I was so mature, I decided I would just have to reward myself by doing the naked lambada with a Federal Agent.
Fiona Skye
#37. I been talkin' with my buddy, and he thinks I'm virgin enough fer the two of us.
William Inge
#38. I'm married, honey. My social life consists of work, church, taxiing the kids around and trying to schedule sex with my husband at least once a month.
Marilyn Pappano
#39. That's the great thing about a sense of humor and a sex drive, you can't wait to share it with everybody else.
Dolly Parton
#40. I shook my head. 'I did not contribute to the sex trade, no. I know you're disappointed; I'm sorry.'
Linn huffed through a smile. 'You totally did Thailand wrong. Go back.'
Cary Attwell
#42. Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love life, anyway?
Oh God. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to them and roar, How's your marriage going? Still have sex?
Helen Fielding
#43. Yes, sir. But unless Caleb gets frisky with the stove, I'm not anticipating any problems. Nick
Sherrilyn Kenyon
#44. That's the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears.
Anthony Lane
#45. We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#46. Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#47. When the game ended, Mike laid down his control paddle. "So you've met the Nordic goddess, right?"
Aria glanced up at him warily. "Excuse me?"
Mike rolled his eyes. "Duh. Klaudia, which I'm pretty sure is Scandinavian for sex vixen.
Sara Shepard
#48. Pimping was the ultimate power play. My most powerful tools of persuasion however, were charm and sex."~Jesse
Jeri Estes
#49. If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises ...
Jacob M. Appel
#50. What exactly does that expression even mean? An ass that won't quit? Think about the primary function of an ass - I'd think that's the sort of thing you might want to quit.
Nicki Elson
#51. Injun Joe studied the body for a moment, his eyes sad. Then he said, "I'd rather go in my sleep, I think." He glanced back at me. "What about you?"
"I want to be stepped on by an elephant while having sex with identical triplet cheerleaders," I said.
Jim Butcher
#52. You're not celibate, then?" I breathe.
Amusement lights up his eyes.
"No, Anastasia, I'm not celibate.
E.L. James
#53. It's hard to take sex ed seriously when the teachers haven't even wiggled their stuff in this millennium.
Amber Kizer
#55. I happen to have a certain fondness for existing
soda wouldn't have that lovely fizzy feeling if you were dead. Think of all the things you would miss: Cartoons, music, movies, video games, music, art, fingernail growth, sex ... well, perhaps not sex, depending on how weird your mortician is.
Jhonen Vasquez
#56. Aren't you going to get up?"
He put a hand on the curve of her hip, a possessive gesture that had already become
familiar.
"No. Let's have more sex.
Nalini Singh
#57. When I was a kid my mom used to tell me that if i have sex before i was married, my ... junk would turn black and fall off.
Cynthia Hand
#58. Women want a lot of sex with the man they love; men want to have a lot of sex with a lot of different women.
Dermot Davis
#59. When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.
Jimmy Carr
#60. You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'
Robin Williams
#61. I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn't spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail - and then made vibrator noises.
Dani Alexander
#62. Sex with an ex
Is it ever really painless or just inviting stress?
I mean, really
Who does that?
Oh wait, I'm sure if they could, most everyone would ...
Natasha Ramsey
#63. Daphne, whatever you could think of in your wildest imagination, there is a game for it and probably has been for a thousand years.' He pulled off his shirt and advanced on her. 'For example, there is the lovely lady taken up against the wall game. I'll show you how it is played.
Madeline Hunter
#64. How does hanky-panky translate to sex? Who comes up with words like that?"
"Probably people who don't have sex
J.D. Robb
#65. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield
#67. In my day the principal concerns of university students were sex, smoking dope, rioting and learning. Learning was something you did only when the first three weren't available.
Bill Bryson
#68. Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable
Josh Stern
#69. Dear God, she couldn't give this man sex. She could barely give it to Van, and he currently smelled so good she just wanted to shove her face under his t-shirt and eat whatever she found there.
Charlotte Stein
#70. Sex drives the world and sex in on every human mind, be it a prophet or be it a saint, history has full of evidences.
Santosh Kalwar
#71. Did you refuse to be tested to see if you and he were Soul Complements because you were afraid you might want sex with him?
Yes, I am tactful that way.
Devon Monk
#72. Strange though, I never took you for a nympho.
Eve Masters
#73. You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me.
"I used your toothbrush."
His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?
E.L. James
#74. That was not sex. That was naked poetry.
Hank Moody
#75. To see a man's true colours, tell him that you don't plan on having sex with him. To see a woman's true colours, tell her that you don't plan on marrying her.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#76. I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil).
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#77. We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn't have enough time to have sex with me.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#78. A blow job. Why did people do these things to each other? Artemis felt faintly sick.
Marie Phillips
#79. Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.
Lois Greiman
#80. I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
Bob Monkhouse
#81. You guys are not leaving me out there. They're going to talk books and sex. And the books are about sex. Who knew women were so damn chatty about sex? Men don't do that. We just look at a girl, announce we did her, and everyone moves on.
Lexi Blake
#82. Yukiko steered the subject away from sex as fast as she could. She was still occasionally woken by nightmares about the day her father had tried to sit her down for "the talk".
Jay Kristoff
#83. I glance down his body. He's still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez
talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
E.L. James
#84. The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies ... I'm not really a lawyer.
Tina Fey
#86. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. 'We spent one night together.'
'You had sex then?'
'No we crocheted a quilt.' I cocked my head to side and gave him my nastiest glare. Lorelei Preston to Agent Brody-The Wild Hunt
Ashley Jeffery
#87. I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick?
James A. Michener
#89. Your father is proud of us for having a
baby."
Gabriel nodded, as he continued brushing.
"That means he's proud of us for having sex and you for impregnating me. Do you think they make T-shirts for grandfathers that express those sentiments?
Sylvain Reynard
#90. Do you know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour?
David Bischoff
#91. Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ...
Roberto Hogue
#93. He wrote that if great sex were necessary to make babies, humans would be fossils by now.
Randi Hutter Epstein
#94. I wanted to tell his dad that Nathan was fine the way he was and that he was the one that needed to change. It made me glad to have my parents. If I told my dad I was gay, he'd probably just look scared and hand over more safe sex money. -Nick Severson
C.K. Kelly Martin
#96. Your quick 'no' is because I refused to say 'yes' to sex. They say men think with their dicks. I hope you do not run Easton with your -
Avery Aster
#97. Female Chauvinist Pigs is smart, alarming, and extremely funny. With nuance and humor, Levy has written both a convincing expos of sex and desire in contemporary America and an important cultural history. I'm giving a copy to my mother. And my sons.
Cathleen Schine
#98. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Steve Martin
#99. To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I've never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They're really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible?
Kathy Griffin
#100. Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
Natasha Leggero
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
