Top 100 Humor Reading Quotes
#1. If you're reading this, I'm either a wolf for good, or you're Ulrik and you should get the hell out of my stuff.
Maggie Stiefvater
#2. Novels and gardens," she says. "I like to move from plot to plot.
Bill Richardson
#3. I always find that after reading books written by Jane Austen that I speak much more properly, at least for a while.
Becky Watson
#4. I've known Alan Zweibel since 1975, and I've always had this sneaking suspicion that he might possess a sense of humor. After reading CLOTHING OPTIONAL, I'm almost sure he does.
Rob Reiner
#5. The book did not say anything about a statue, valuable or otherwise, and so I stopped reading about the Bombinating Beast and got interested in the chapter about the Stain'd witches, who had ink instead of blood in their veins. I wondered what they kept in their pens.
Lemony Snicket
#6. Yeah. Floyd is his batman."
His what?"
Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."
You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know.
Robert B. Parker
#8. I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.
Nick Hornby
#10. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
#11. Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
Lemony Snicket
#12. Books are like a mirror. If an ass looks in, you can't expect an angel to look out.
B.C. Forbes
#13. If you have never said "Excuse me" to a parking meter or bashed your shins on a fireplug, you are probably wasting too much valuable reading time.
Sherri Chasin Calvo
#14. Seeing what someone's reading is like seeing the first derivative of their thinking.
Ben Casnocha
#15. If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching.
Katie Graykowski
#16. It was amazing how many books one could fit into a room, assuming one didn't want to move around very much.
Brandon Sanderson
#17. By reading this, you've given me brief control over your mind.
R.M. ArceJaeger
#18. That's the problem with this never-ending centipede of lemmings, Beck. You know they're all pussies, each and every one of 'em. They buy these books to get scared because their lives are too easy. How pathetic is that?
Caroline Kepnes
#19. It takes more than genius to keep me reading a book.
E.B. White
#20. I would drink that whole bottle if I knew it wouldn't get me completely drunk. I miss wine."
"Um, you haven't had it for one night, and you miss it?"
"Clearly, you underestimate my relationship with wine and what I do on the weekends when I'm by myself reading.
Rachel Van Dyken
#21. READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.
Ambrose Bierce
#22. Of all the queer sources of romance, ours lay in the discovery that each was an addict of Boswell's Life of Johnson. H.E.G. had a first edition of the Journey to the Hebrides, which I coveted mightily. Why not acquire the book honorably, marry the man, and have it around the house?
Beatrice Fairfax
#23. You should spend more time reading the Good Book and less reading all those novels. What are you going to tell the Lord on Judgement Day when He asks you why you didn't read your bible? Hmm?
I will tell Him that His press agents could have done with a writing lesson or two, I said. To myself.
Jennifer Donnelly
#24.
I remembered when it goes felt before. Laid to tell were almost give up. Love cares upon reach momentum reading.
Jonathan Guarino
#25. Expand the definition of 'reading' to include non-fiction, humor, graphic novels, magazines, action adventure, and, yes, even websites. It's the pleasure of reading that counts; the focus will naturally broaden. A boy won't read shark books forever.
Jon Scieszka
#26. It used to take me forever to read and comprehend stuff, so I decided not to make the 'Captain Underpants' books too challenging. Don't get me wrong - the humor and ideas are often sophisticated - but the books aren't hard to read. I wanted kids who hate reading to find these books irresistible.
Dav Pilkey
#27. I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
Mitch Hedberg
#28. If you enjoy books with happy endings than you are better off reading some other book.
Lemony Snicket
#29. Not wanting anyone to pop my bubble by speaking to me, I immediately began reading Lesbian Nuns, and that did the trick. No one attempted small talk.
John Waters
#30. My favorite, and the author I wish I was reading right now and always is Nora Ephron. I love the humor, the awareness, the sense of self-deprecation. She is such a role model to me.
Garance Dore
#31. There's a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.
Lauren Morrill
#32. Winny didn't know what he would do without his books, except probably go berserk and start killing people and making ashtrays out of their skulls even though he didn't smoke and never would.
Dean Koontz
#33. It may be escapist, but if I have a choice between watching the news or reading a book which gets me to see the world through different eyes, I will always choose the latter!
Christina Westover
#34. I remember that story. You have read it four times." Samson shrugged. "Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says, 'That was a fine piece of music. I'll never listen to that again." But some people treat books that way. Not I!
Karen A. Wyle
#35. Charientism (n.) A rhetorical term to describe saying a disagreeable thing in an agreeable way.
If I knew how to say disagreeable things in an agreeable fashion I most likely would not be spending most of my time siting alone in a room, reading the dictionary.
Ammon Shea
#36. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen
#37. The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.
Josh Lanyon
#38. I was behind, but now I'm below. Hopefully, they'll have books wherever I go ...
Carmen DeSousa
#39. Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
Lena Dunham
#40. Every time I hear about somebody who wins a never-work-again sum in the lottery but keeps his or her day job I think, not a book person.
Amy Smith
#41. Magda was reading a book by a Trappist, in a better mood, and I was sitting on the edge of the bed, fingering my useless map.
Junot Diaz
#42. Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read.
Oscar Wilde
#43. There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read - unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.
E. Nesbit
#44. Reading Claire Cooks novel is like eating some exotic dish about which you say, Wow, this is great! Whats in it? The ingredients here are: intelligence, humor, poignancy, revelation and, perhaps best of all, true originality. Ready to Fall seems to me to be ready to soar.
Elizabeth Berg
#45. At times I think I can hear my brain screaming, I am reading here, so please, all other body parts, do your best to keep up!
Camron Wright
#46. I don't fear death
I fear dying before I've read Dickens end to end.
Amy Smith
#47. To me, comedians are the last great storytellers because they depict their stories and create their effect with so few words. In the span of a couple minutes, stand-up comics can communicate more emotion than most novels do in hours worth of reading.
Chuck Palahniuk
#48. There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
Bertrand Russell
#49. Hello, I am a quote,and you are reading me,because otherwise, how would you see that i just said all that stuff
Guy
#50. Sometimes I do readings and people can't stop laughing, but I'm reading about pretty tragic things. I think Soviet humor is a desperate humor, rather typical of very different nations, of Jewish people, Ukrainians, and of course, Russians. It's despair - just keep laughing, until you are dead.
Alina Bronsky
#51. Neither would you, had you grown up in a library of melodramatic romance novels.
Clementine Holzinger
#52. Compulsory reading for anyone who has a pig, an aunt or a sense of humor.
Lindsey Davis
#53. The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
Bill Cosby
#54. The more you read, the better you get at it; the better you get at it, the more you like it;
and the more you like it, the more you do it.
And the more you read, the more you know;
and the more you know, the smarter you grow.
Jim Trelease
#55. I can't belly dance.'
Yes, you can. It's in your fi
'
Will you stop reading my goddamn file!
Jennifer Rardin
#56. Will!" Charlotte threw up her hands. "Why didn't you say so?"
"You know, the books on demon pox are in the library," Will said with an injured tone. "I wasn't preventing anyone from reading them
Cassandra Clare
#57. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
#58. I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Attell
#59. I believe that if a seven-year old kid has heard of Naked Lunch and is daring enough to want to read it, he's old enough to read it.
John Waters
#60. He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend for seven days and seven nights.
Mark Jackman
#61. You'll be reading the breakfast menu without me before you know it.
Hmm, maybe I don't want to learn French
Stephanie Perkins
#62. Note to goyim readers: not every Jew who grew up in Brooklyn was rich. And as long as I'm on it, here's another note: fuck you. That's all. Whether or not you assumed we were rich, if you're a goyim, fuck you. But keep reading, and tell your friends to buy the book.
Gilbert Gottfried
#63. You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
#64. I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'
Marc Maron
#65. Somebody's going to be reading, right? Wrong. They're FBing. Doing a Number Two. Maybe I shouldn't have had those chilli peppers. Hope y'all having a good day! - Coming from a toilet not far from you. xxxx
Hope Barrett
#67. Double Sword Tavern." Tristan said, reading out loud. "Sounds charming and inviting.
B.C. Morin
#68. One of my book-reading friends used the term "our story unfolds" when describing a paper he was writing. He became somewhat less of a friend right at that moment.
Tommy Greenwald
#69. Maybe we should all just shut up and read a good book.
Mary Sisney
#70. But the main reason you should read this is that I don't see why I should have to know all these terrible, terrible things and you should get off scot free.
David Strorm
#71. She 'didn't care much for reading', she said. Books were just a commodity that had to be produced, like jam or bootlaces.
George Orwell
#72. Yet if strict criticism should till frown on our method, let candor and good humor forgive what is done to the best of our judgment, for the sake of perspicuity in the story and the delight and entertainment of our candid reader.
Sarah Fielding
#73. I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I'm very well endowed.
Bauvard
#75. I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
Stephen Colbert
#76. Hello, my name is Jaako and I am an addict. I am addicted to reading.
Jaako J. Wallenius
#77. Anyway, all he's partial to sending is holograms of uniquely perverted unicorns and video clips of him reading puns. Pluto, if anything, has made him stranger.
Pierce Brown
#78. No," said Hermione shortly. "Have either of you seen my copy of Numerology and Gramatica?"
"Oh, yeah, I borrowed it for a bit of bedtime reading," said Ron, but very quietly.
J.K. Rowling
#79. I was quite a looker in my time," she said. Was she reading his mind, or only being smart, to know she must be hideous?
"Oh, had they invented time as long ago as that?
Gregory Maguire
#80. That's it then. This is how it ends. I haven't even read Proust.
James Turner
#81. I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap'n Crunch and I'd have to take a nap.
M.J. McGuire
#82. Writing in English is the most ingenious torture ever devised for sins committed in previous lives. The English reading public explains the reason why.
James Joyce
#83. Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:
1. To kiss
2. To sip coffee
Too bad both are a luxury.
Saleem Sharma
#84. He kissed me for a long moment, holding my shoulders, perhaps to keep me from pressing my whole body against his. Then he tried to lift my bag.
"My God," he said. "What happened?"
"I found out one may check out twenty books at a time from the school library.
Laura Whitcomb
#85. You've been reading Gordan's book again, haven't you?"
"It's a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride," she mumbled.
Derek Landy
#86. It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?
Carl Sagan
#87. I want to hold onto this funny thing. God, it's gotten big on me. I don't know what it is. I'm so damned unhappy, I'm so mad, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm putting on weight. I feel fat. I feel like I'm saving a lot of things, and I don't know what. I might even start reading books.
Ray Bradbury
#88. As if reading her mind, he leaned into her again, pupils dark, irises glowing like a forest caught in the last rays of sun before dusk ... "Do you want me to make you come?"
"Is that a trick question?
Dianna Hardy
#89. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
#90. My friend says she's smart. She reads a book to fall asleep.
Nicholaa Spencer
#91. The Real-World was a sprawling mess of a book in need of a good editor.
Jasper Fforde
#92. We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal-federal cufflink.
George W. Bush
#93. My doctors told me this morning my blood pressure is down so low that I can start reading the newspapers.
Ronald Reagan
#94. If I were you, I'd stick to the palm reading. Now, there's a trick that won't paralyze you from the neck down.
Angela Cervantes
#95. I've lowered my character with a great deal of unwholesome reading material.
Lisa Kleypas
#96. I wondered what he would have thought if he'd known that I'd gleaned most of my information from reading historical romance novels.
Nicole Luiken
#97. I do lend my books, but I have to be a bit selective because my marginalia are so incriminating.
Alison Bechdel
Leah Price
#98. The dull people decided years and years ago, as everyone knows, that novel-writing was the lowest species of literary exertion, and that novel reading was a dangerous luxury and an utter waste of time.
Wilkie Collins
#99. How can you read and talk at the same time?" I asked.
"Well, I usually can't, but neither the book nor the conversation is particularly intellectually challenging.
John Green
#100. Those who believe everything they read probably should refrain from reading.
Matt
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