Top 74 Humor Parenting Quotes
#1. When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.
Jim Gaffigan
#2. I know my kids will be incredible, just not as great as me.
A.D. Aliwat
#3. And have your mother put my head on a stake? Do you have any notion what that would do to my handsome good looks?
Catherine Gilbert Murdock
#4. Momma always said when Randy got an idea in his head it was more likely to come attached to a foot in his ass than a check in the bank.
Joe Schwartz
#5. My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children's need for parenting.
Margot Page
#6. A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
Stephen Colbert
#8. Too much alcohol hampers people's ability to parent. That's why I've chosen to remain childless.
Kyra Davis
#9. Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache.
Jeff Abbott
#10. If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
George Carlin
#11. The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
Dorothy Parker
#12. You and Dad are really the wrecking ball of all of our teenage runaway fantasies. Why couldn't you jerks go and be crack addicts or religious fanatics so we could have excuses to live on the wide open road? - email from Lily
Candace Allan
#13. While I was drying off Maddie after her bath tonight, she said, 'I love you' to me for the first time. It sounded like 'All lub boo,' but I didn't care. To reciprocate, I showed her what an ex-Marine looks like when he cries.
Jim Beaver
#15. When a child reaches puberty, parents become so curious about their sex lives and whereabouts, put them behind bars to their own detriment. When such a child breaks free, don't be surprised to see him/her in porn movies.
Michael Bassey Johnson
#16. You know, bullying," her mother began. "I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied."
"Oh, God!" Arista groaned. "It's My Space or Facebook. Not Myface.
Dianne F. Gray
#17. Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
Tim Allen
#19. . . . Mrs. Lambchop sighed and shook her head. "You're at the office all day, having fun," she said. "You don't realize what I go through with the boys. They're very difficult."
Kids are like that," Mr. Lambchop said. "Phases. Be patient, dear.
Jeff Brown
#20. We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
#21. Why did you throw sand when I just told you not to?"
What child says, "Hmm, why did I? I guess there's no good reason. Thanks for pointing that out. It won't happen again.
Joanna Faber
#22. I need to work on developing a new, less irritable personality. though I suspect that an empty nest would be at least a partial cure, today I resorted to substance abuse.
Eloisa James
#23. Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Ray Romano
#24. When a teacher is paying extra attention to your child, you believe that it's because you raised such an exceptional kid, one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest of her booger-eating friends.
Drew Magary
#25. A dam doesn't try to reason with the water. Its main purpose is to hold it still for a while. When I lecture my kids I'm doing much the same thing. I'm not trying to necessarily reason with them, just hold them still for a short while.
Spuds Crawford
#26. Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.
Scott Dikkers
#28. Over time, parents have barnacled the most routine activities in infancy with their own preoccupations. It's sometimes hard to see the baby for all the barnacles.
Nicholas Day
#29. My husband says this longing for isolation is not a good quality, that if I wanted to be a hermit I should have moved to the West Coast and adopted a lot of cats, not gotten married and had children that demand to be fed several times a day.
Anna White
#30. Our parents would not be 'The best parents in the world' (to us) if they were not our parents.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#31. Got any mood music?"
"If you press Play on the stereo you're going to hear Miley Cyrus."
"I don't know who that is."
"Count your blessings.
Tere Michaels
#32. No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
Bill Cosby
#33. For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.
Drew Magary
#34. Babies don't come with instruction booklets. You'd learn the same way we all do
you'd read up on dinosaurs, you'd Google backhoes and skidders. And you don't need a penis to go buy a baseball glove.
Jodi Picoult
#35. Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
Jim Gaffigan
#36. (Da) "Sorry, Son, what was that? I was too busy ignoring you."
(Later) "Sorry, Son, I missed that," Ma said. "Ignoring you can be a full-time job.
Brian Farrey
#38. You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.
Stephen Colbert
#39. As children we are taught, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!" As adults we teach those same words to our own children while simultaneously we sue one another for defamation or verbal assault. Ah, the naked leading the blind.
Bryan Oftedahl
#40. Like I tell our kids, 'Your Mom isn't always right and I'm not always right. But together, WE'RE ALWAYS right!
J. Thomas Steele
#41. I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don't like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.
Jim Gaffigan
#42. I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
Jim Gaffigan
#43. I would be the first to admit that my maternal instincts are not well developed
though in defense I must add that the raising of Ramses would have discouraged any woman.
Elizabeth Peters
#44. We're gonna do like Posh and Becks and call it after the place it was conceived."
"Where's that?" I asked.
"King of Prussia.
Henry G. Radcliff
#45. Remember how we put stickers with your name on your pocessions that could be stolen.We didn't put a sticker on your innocence so don't lose it!
Candace Allan
#46. Fifteen minutes later, Betsy came thundering down the stairs. "I'm going to the mall with Sierra to see a movie."
Michael leaned forward, switched off the television. "Can you please rephrase that in the form of a question?"
"Sure. Can I have some money?
Kristin Hannah
#47. But it's a child! You're a man!"
"Your powers of observation are formidable," said Charles. "You are a credit to your optician.
Katherine Rundell
#49. If I hear any more loud voices, you will both be auctioned off on eBay. I could use the extra money.
J.R. Rain
#50. Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
Bill Cosby
#51. I believe that if a seven-year old kid has heard of Naked Lunch and is daring enough to want to read it, he's old enough to read it.
John Waters
#52. Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! It's the closest they'll ever get to being inside a working spaceship.
Drew Magary
#53. As a young father it's important to remember that, when you're at the beach, there's a BIG difference between telling your five year old son to just go pee in the ocean and telling him to get in the water at least waist deep and then pee in the ocean.
Spuds Crawford
#54. People who have babies tell me I will know a love that is beyond anything I can imagine, and a joy that is indescribable. Love and joy? That sounds horrifying. I have no way of knowing whether I can handle either of those. I'm much better with need and fear. They are what ground me.
Marc Maron
#55. Maggie had learned a long time ago that each day with a child was filled with two kinds of battles: those that won the war, and those that did not.
Sydney Strand
#56. He was afraid to pick up the baby. If he touched it, it might bond with him or something. Or he might leave fingerprints all over it.
Judith Arnold
#57. You go through big chunks of time where you're just thinking, 'this is impossible - oh,this is impossible'. And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible.
Tina Fey
#58. Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama ... or something.
Daniel Palladino
#60. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
#61. Tummy Time - When a parent lays their baby on their tummy to strengthen and develop physically. Also called forgetting the child on the floor and giving it a name.
Olive Hunter
#62. Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.
S.K. Tremayne
#63. It's a fact that every minute you hold a child, it triples in mass.
Drew Magary
#64. If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end.
Martha Wells
#65. Jumping, waving arms, cheering, laughing, head-butting him in the groin, an unfortunate ritual in the Tanner home, very much unappreciated by Jim, but tolerated for the sake of the children, Grace, Bobby and Steven joined Jason next to their father.
Mike Jackson
#66. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
#67. Despite being what would now be called a deprived child in a one parent family, I did not grow up with an urge to smash windows or to bash old ladies over the head in order to steal handbags.
Eva Hart
#68. *marissa tries to get her single, working mother's attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*
'You're a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.
Camille Pagan
#69. I am the king. You're the knight sitting at my round table. That's the nature of our relationship when it comes to war or other conflict resolution in this family.
Sarah Black
#70. In that day, we didn't have no remote controls and vacuum cleaners. If you wanted all that stuff you had children!
Tyler Perry
#71. Don't even think about it."
"Well, when can I walk by myself?"
"When you get your driver's license."
"You always, always say that." Dillie scowled at him. "That's when everything happens."
"It's going to be a busy day," Phin agreed.
Jennifer Crusie
#72. Orphans? Would you really? Adopt children?"
"There are advantages. If they turn out badly, we can blame their natural parents. We can also choose our own assortment of ages and genders. We can even get them ready-grown, if we wish.
Loretta Chase
#73. My rugrats give me gifts that say "#1 Mom" on them and I'm like, bwhahahahaha, joke's on you, I'm more like the #1,297,279 Mom. But they truly think I'm the best mom on earth. And that's all that matters.
Karen Alpert
