Top 100 Humor Death Quotes
#1. The price for using dark magic is death, so that goes a long way toward deterring users.
Devon Monk
#2. We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!
Bryan Lee O'Malley
#3. If this was what Mikhail called opening the gate close to Zayvion's body, I was going to kill a compass and a slide rule and send them through the gates of death to him.
Devon Monk
#4. If those birds hadn't been so stupid, so incapable of learning that human beings were dangerous, the first settlers would almost certainly have starved to death.
Kurt Vonnegut
#5. Making money is good, but there's no pockets in a shroud.
Terry Pratchett
#6. Death by family silver, I thought, before I could turn off that part of my mind.
Alan Bradley
#7. Look, I know this is the last thing you want to talk about, but I wanted to ask you ... " He trailed off, looking strangely uneasy.
"Ask me ... ?" Ask me to dinner? Ask me out for drinks? Ask me if I wanted to see what he looked like under that uniform? Yow, where'd that last one come from?
Diana Rowland
#8. I'd heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but apparently my subconscious visualized tall, scary, and skeletal. My subconscious and I needed to have a long talk.
Lisa Shearin
#9. I'll catch my death"
"If you don't get out of my sight, you won't have to catch death. I'll bring it to you
Stacey Kayne
#10. Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.
Norm MacDonald
#11. I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.
Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse."
"I am you Prince and you cannot refuse."
"I am your loyal servant and I just did."
"Refusal means death."
"Kill me then.
William Goldman
#13. Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. Right. It's just that ... He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here.
Kristina McBride
#14. A nationalist will blindly follow his country to his death out of love for it. A patriot will stand up for and even against his country to his death out of love for it.
Janvier Chouteu-Chando
#15. Being dead is highly overrated. It's no fun at all.
Mythe: A Fairy Tale
P.J. Gordon
#16. It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world.
Cora Carmack
#18. If you Have ever Fainted, You Are a stranger in the land of the dead!
Antoni Omeihe
#19. Nobody's death is impending."
... "Well technically everyone's death is impending.
Eoin Colfer
#20. I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)
Gail Honeyman
#21. Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales was expected to clock in at anywhere between 100 and 120 chapters. Unfortunately, the dude only managed to finish 24 tales before he suffered an insurmountable and permanent state of writer's block commonly known as death.
Jacopo Della Quercia
#22. You're just Little Miss Optimist, aren't you? Do you come with accessories, like a glass half full and lemons to make into lemonade, too?
Rachel Caine
#23. Man. Being mostly dead is hard on a guy.
Jim Butcher
#24. We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
Bill Hicks
#25. I smile quietly. She is with me all the time. I feel stupid now, for not seeing it sooner. But hey, at least we'll have this strange story to tell, love and death and blood and daddy-issues. And holy crap, I am a psychiatrist's wet dream.- Cas Lowood, Anna Dressed in Blood
Kendare Blake
#26. Do you wanna play? Everyone's dead, so I got bored. Did you come to play with me?
Wrath
Hiromu Arakawa
#27. All that is required of you is an open mind and a little patience.
F.K. Preston
#28. Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Fulton J. Sheen
#29. IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE.
Terry Pratchett
#30. Live, die, something else lives. The very soil humanity walks upon is built up from death. Digging into a flowerbed means digging into bones.
M. Jones
#31. Do you know how wizards like to be buried?"
"Yes!"
"Well, how?"
Granny Weatherwax paused at the bottom of the stairs.
"Reluctantly.
Terry Pratchett
#32. When we are dealing with death we are constantly being dragged down by the event: Humor diverts our attention and lifts our sagging spirits.
Allen Klein
#33. You don't fuck with fate, Oz, because she'll ass-rape you with no lube, wearing a spiked dildo.
Katrina Monroe
#34. I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#35. Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can't think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker.
Christopher Hitchens
#36. Death doesn't bother me but murder makes me edgy, and my lack of weaponry suddenly felt like a potentially fatal mistake. If we got back to the hotel alive, I wasn't coming back here again without my knife and the baseball bat. And maybe a tank, if I could find one fast enough.
Seanan McGuire
#37. Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?
Corey Redekop
#38. I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.
Maureen Johnson
#39. If you can kill it, or it can kill you, it's real.
Laini Taylor
#40. I don't think," he said, "that a vicar is supposed to beat a bishop to death, or even back to death."
Mr. Berkeley looked down upon the remains of Bishop Bernard.
"If anyone asks, we'll say he fell over," he said. "Lots of times.
John Connolly
#41. Death rode out, but found himself guiding the white horse down the track to the orchard. He stopped in front of one particular tree, and stared at it for some time. Eventually he said: LOOKS PERFECTLY LOGICAL TO ME.
Terry Pratchett
#42. Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt
Darynda Jones
#44. You better hope she doesn't say a word," Gabe warned, lifting a finger to Uri's nose.
Uri grabbed the finger laughing, "What are you going to do, cupcake? Seduce me to death, in all your sexy glory?"
"Just shut up," Gabe groaned, pushing the door shut in his friend's face.
Wendy Owens
#45. Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.
Garrison Keillor
#46. Sad, slow music in the small hours of the morning isn't just sad and slow music. It's a narration. And through the myriad of morning dew, we are the twinkling stars that fade with the rising sun.
Dave Matthes
#48. Matty just rolled his eyes and walked over to his older brother. "Why is it when everyone thinks they're on their death bed, they suddenly find Jesus?"
Jayne shrugged and replied, "Because that's where he likes to hang out?
Nonjon
#49. Anyone who says forty is the new twenty can suck it - if they can bend over enough to reach it. It's more like the new ninety, because you're now seriously pondering when Death will ring your doorbell in the form of those everyday pains and aches that now torture your once hot, tight body.
Christine Zolendz
#50. If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?
Philip, Duke Of Edinburgh
#51. Whoever said ignorance is bliss must have died a horrible death with a really surprised look on his face.
Lisa Shearin
#52. All life is in vain, for Death makes a nonsense of pain.
Gasmaskman
#53. I happen to have a certain fondness for existing
soda wouldn't have that lovely fizzy feeling if you were dead. Think of all the things you would miss: Cartoons, music, movies, video games, music, art, fingernail growth, sex ... well, perhaps not sex, depending on how weird your mortician is.
Jhonen Vasquez
#54. Fill me in on the details of your life."
"I thought you didn't give a shit."
"It'll give me something to do while I wait for you to stab me to death.
Christina Dodd
#55. I'm Allen Walker!"
My life....is over...I'm going to die....
Katsura Hoshino
#56. And why does it smell like something DIED in the mud and is STILL in there rotting?
Rachel Renee Russell
#58. I'm a survivor, I said. But I didn't think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary.
Tobias Wolff
#59. I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.
Doug Stanhope
#60. Where is Polonius?
HAMLET
In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby.
William Shakespeare
#61. But that's what nonfiction is, people. Shitty feelings and encounters with death.
Mark Leyner
#62. I like Dancing of Indian girls more than my parents' prayers . Because they dance with love and passion . But my parents just say their prayers because they got used to it .
Ali Shariati
#63. Injun Joe studied the body for a moment, his eyes sad. Then he said, "I'd rather go in my sleep, I think." He glanced back at me. "What about you?"
"I want to be stepped on by an elephant while having sex with identical triplet cheerleaders," I said.
Jim Butcher
#64. Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
Dov Davidoff
#65. Anything designed to be inoffensive isn't worth your time
life itself is pretty offensive, ending as it does with death.
Holly Lisle
#66. When Tony lost it, it would be up to Ruger to take Lady Death by the tits and giver a good tweak. That's how he saw it. Give Lady Death's tits a good tweak.
Jonathan Maberry
#67. The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive.
Richard Curtis
#68. Still, waking up this early was just wrong. "Why can't people be reasonable and only die after eleven A.M.?" I whined.
Diana Rowland
#69. If you let something scare you to death, then the worst has happened.
D.E. Athkins
#71. By my soul! I would rather have a dry death," quoth Sir Oliver. "Though, Mort Dieu! I have eaten so many fish that it were but justice that the fish should eat me.
Arthur Conan Doyle
#72. YOU FEAR TO DIE?
It's not that I don't want ... I mean, I've always ... it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break ...
Terry Pratchett
#73. There is nothing to me but you. I know it's pathetic but, oh darling, it's true.
F.K. Preston
#74. Jimmy Finn was not burned in the calaboose, but died a natural death in a tan vat, of a combination of delirium tremens and spontaneous combustion. When I say natural death, I mean it was a natural death for Jimmy Finn.
Mark Twain
#75. You only break out the good stuff when you want something. Usually something that includes blood, death, and/or mayhem.
Alexandra Ivy
#76. I take this continent with me into the grave.
Ray Bradbury
#77. We are all going to die soon. Do you really wish to waste time being angry at me?"
"Yes. I remain an unrepentant optimist. If i see that I am about to die, or you, I will forgive you. But not until then, you bastard.
Sherry Thomas
#79. He had been inspired to start a career in the porn industry after reading the incredible tale of a Japanese man who avenged the death of his sister by going down on her best friend for seven days and seven nights.
Mark Jackman
#80. He could see her planting violets on his grave, a solitary figure in a grey cloak. What a ghastly tragedy. A lump came to his throat. He became quite emotional thinking of his own death. He would have to write a poem about this.
from a Difference in Temperament
Daphne Du Maurier
#81. It's just like an alcoholic to think he's doing the Zombie Apocalypse wrong.
Michele W. Miller
#82. The past you lost is just like a dream. As you woke up new life
starts. So, your actual birthday will be your death day.
A.G Sorachi
#83. The Senate needs to leave enough money in the proposed budget to not only reduce all marginal rates, but to eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race.
George W. Bush
#84. Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
Terry Pratchett
#86. Most people get excited over new cars; I get excited over death certificates. It's no wonder my husband worries about my state of mind.
Rett MacPherson
#87. The body of the last Flealouse contained the flesh of everything that had ever lived. It was content.
Alasdair Gray
#88. What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you.
Jackson Lanzing
#90. You could take up knitting," he suggested.
My eyebrows scrunched together. "The Angel of Death is suggesting I adopt knitting as a hobby?"
Warren's shoulders shook with with silent laughter.
Elicia Hyder
#91. Only teasing', Death seemed to be saying over his shoulder with a rictus smile, with good humor and an oddly paternal affection. 'Take care of yourself, okay? We'll play again.
Barry Eisler
#92. Don't you love fall?" Stacey asked. "All the little festivals, the changing leaves, kids in Halloween costumes, the dead spewing up out of their graves to haunt the living ...
J.L. Bryan
#93. He is in heaven now, and happy; or if not there, he bides in hell and is content; for in that place he will find neither abbot nor yet bishop.
Mark Twain
#94. After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us.
Sarah Vowell
#95. I moved up beside Jamie."I have to go."
She frowned at me. "Where?"
I pressed a hand to the bottom of my belly. "My bladder.It-"
Ah." She gave a small laugh. "We interrupt this life-or-death situation for a pregnancy pee break. Don't see that in the movies, do you?
Kelley Armstrong
#96. Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list.
Chuck Palahniuk
#97. Kids are supposed to relax on vacations, and enjoy themselves, not sitting in the back seat of a car making peace with death and gripping a rosary because Mom is playing chicken with oncoming cars in the mountains.
Joshua David Swift
#98. You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down.
Stephen King
#99. The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)
Warren Moore
#100. If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.
Terry Pratchett
