Top 100 Bill Hicks Quotes

#1. If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #5016
#2. I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #60458
#3. Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #87456
#4. Life is only a dream and we are only the imagination of ourselves.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #92090
#5. I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman ... come in the guise of a comic ... to heal perception by using ... 'jokes' ...

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #106587
#6. Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #172153
#7. When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #178491
#8. Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #219679
#9. Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #251728
#10. Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #275072
#11. Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts ... Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #336015
#12. What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #369424
#13. That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies ... and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #376901
#14. It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me ... oxygen tent, iron lung.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #379127
#15. Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #419786
#16. What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis, not the young, cool guy ...

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #424352
#17. The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #441266
#18. Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration and that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and you are the imagination of yourself. Here's Tom with the weather ... !

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #470135
#19. What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One? ... You can see why the government's cracking down.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #472300
#20. I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #475838
#21. What before seemed a ... frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #483565
#22. Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #492101
#23. And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, "This is my creation, perfect in every way ... oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it ... Now I have to create Republicans."

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #607541
#24. I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #615642
#25. Love rather than fear ... this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope ... surely there is hope for us all.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #624184
#26. I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #626540
#27. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well ... we looked at the receipts."

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #629850
#28. I think it's interesting how people act on their beliefs. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to look at a cross?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #631087
#29. When you're ... stepping over a guy on the sidewalk ... does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?'

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #646995
#30. Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick
'You hate this country' ... I have to tell him ... I just hate being lied to.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #660546
#31. I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious ...

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #678158
#32. Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves ... After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #685232
#33. 'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #686675
#34. I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #694013
#35. And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #700810
#36. It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #705927
#37. Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #729029
#38. I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #771738
#39. Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #781735
#40. You want a better world ... ? Legalize pot right now ... end the deficit? Legalize pot right now ... biggest cash crop in America.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #784767
#41. How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #798926
#42. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #799313
#43. I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #815304
#44. It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #816179
#45. You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #873623
#46. Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #882986
#47. Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #967359
#48. They Want You To Be A Docile Apathetic Consumer

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #968804
#49. This is the idea that has made me ... an anonymous figure in America ... If you have children here tonight ... they are NOT special.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #970585
#50. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #995322
#51. I've had good times on drugs ... bad times on drugs ... But I've had good and bad relationships ... and I'm not giving up pussy.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #997919
#52. I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't
think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1046053
#53. I am available for children's parties, by the way ...

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1078814
#54. I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1095009
#55. People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1150074
#56. I ... am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light ... in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1184971
#57. We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1187303
#58. I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1197514
#59. Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1207084
#60. Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1211552
#61. It's all about money, not freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without money, okay?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1214773
#62. The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1231577
#63. The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1234283
#64. I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it's not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they're Napoleon. That's fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don't share them like they're the truth.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1329949
#65. 'Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.' ... Found MY brand! Just don't get the ones that say 'lung cancer.'

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1334410
#66. I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking. This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away. I'm like, "Duuude, you're my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it's great." He goes, "What? I'm 28.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1336021
#67. All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1360583
#68. Marijuana grows naturally ... Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1379184
#69. That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually ... I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1383387
#70. I hate patriotism ... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1448284
#71. Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1450531
#72. Oh
won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash? ... L.A. fell in the ocean? ... There is a God. He loves us all so much.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1462664
#73. But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1490098
#74. You all saw him - he had a gun.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1501908
#75. It's all about money, not freedom, y'all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin' freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1522179
#76. Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1536984
#77. I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1568169
#78. It's all about money, not freedom. You think you're free? Try going somewhere without money.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1568695
#79. Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1569184
#80. I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale' ... what a great country we live in. DIRT for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he?

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1573414
#81. What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? ...

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1584853
#82. There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1591126
#83. People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1603219
#84. Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1617604
#85. No one can give you any answers. There aren't any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1653239
#86. Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1657962
#87. You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1658053
#88. To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1660210
#89. I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing ... Those unwanted babies ... ? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1668791
#90. All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1671166
#91. A Christian will say ... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1680428
#92. They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say ... "

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1699561
#93. It's always funny until someone gets hurt.
Then it's just hilarious.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1702764
#94. If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1709841
#95. I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1770621
#96. The eyes of love see all of us as one.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1778553
#97. not all drugs are good.. some of them are great

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1797393
#98. I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO ... explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1830791
#99. [Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is ... thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1831026
#100. They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

Bill Hicks

Bill Hicks Quotes #1876529

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