Top 100 Humor Children Quotes
#1. My mother read that parents should spend quality time with their children. One way is to sign up for organized activities together. This month we're taking meditation to free the mind. Last month it was Rolfing. Have you ever Rolfed, Tone?"
"Only after the school's shepherd's pie," I said.
Julie Anne Peters
#2. The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.
Socrates
#3. You don't find a masked man wielding a gun interesting? Tell me ... what do you find interesting then-Matt Carter
Natasha Larry
#4. You wanted hatchlings."
"I know. I just didn't want those hatchlings. Personally, I blame your father."
Bercelak's eyes grew wide. "Excuse me?"
On a burst of laughter, she exclaimed, "Well that came out horribly wrong!
G.A. Aiken
#5. You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one.
Virginia Woolf
#6. This I know for a fact: the reason African women have children is so that there's someone else to do the housework.
Ben Aaronovitch
#7. For a time Emerson politely endeavored to conceal his boredom - like most men, he is profoundly disinterested in all children except his own - ...
Elizabeth Peters
#8. There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!"
...
"Sadie," My dad said firmly, "Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as 'poochiekins'.
Rick Riordan
#9. Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.
Roald Dahl
#11. Are there children out there?
Um, yes sir, they're all children.
Run a few down.
Sir?
Drive over a few of the little brats. That'll scare 'em off.
Derek Landy
#12. I like subversive humor, freckles, women's knees and long hair, the laughter of playing children, and a girl running down the street.
Rene Magritte
#13. The seed of a blue lupin will usually produce a blue lupin. But the seed of a blue-eyed man may produce a brown-eyed bore ... especially if his wife has a taste for gigolos.
Beverley Nichols
#14. For Golden it was hard not to think that there might be something wrong about a household in which the dog was wearing underwear and the children weren't.
Brady Udall
#16. As children we are taught, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!" As adults we teach those same words to our own children while simultaneously we sue one another for defamation or verbal assault. Ah, the naked leading the blind.
Bryan Oftedahl
#17. Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think. Also, I subscribed to a number of learned journals.
Neil Gaiman
#18. We go to school so that when we grow up we can make lots of money, and we make lots of money so we can provide for our children, and we have children to provide for our retirement (because we don't have any money left).
R.M. ArceJaeger
#19. People will buy anything at jumble sales,' I said. 'At the Evacuated Children Charity Fair a woman bought a tree branch that had fallen on the table.
Connie Willis
#20. It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#21. The Devil, too, sometimes steals human children; it is not infrequent for him to carry away infants within the first six weeks after birth, and to substitute in their place imps ...
Martin Luther
#22. I told Ing once that she dances like a German and she didn't like it, but it's true: she dances seriously, like lives are hanging in the balance, like precision dancing can save the starving children of India.
Audrey Niffenegger
#23. You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Terry Pratchett
#24. You and I both know that love is for children,' he said. 'We're adults. Compatibility is for adults.'
'Compatibility is for my Bluetooth and my car,' Teresa replied. 'Only they get along just fine, and my car never makes my bluetooth feel like shit.
Maggie Stiefvater
#25. Thinking over this thought, this whole thinking makes no sense.
Janosch
#26. Unless it was about to cause you bodily harm, rot your rhubarb on the stalk, or carry off your children, weather ought either to be celebrated or ignored.
Tom Robbins
#27. I know that big people don't like questions from children. They can ask all the questions they like, How's school? Are you a good boy? Did you say your prayers? but if you ask them did they say their prayers you might be hit on the head.
Frank McCourt
#28. A big part of the humor is in identifying with the tragic elements of the film. The New Zealand sense of humor is very dark. Our films are usually very dark and it's always someone being killed. Usually a child.
Taika Waititi
#29. Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
Marcus Tullius Cicero
#30. I wonder if a fish's
One and only wish is
That other fish will never say,
This fish is sure delicious!
Brian Rock
#31. Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives.
Bauvard
#32. The children start school now in August. They say it has to do with air-conditioning, but I know sadism when I see it.
Rick Bragg
#33. Nicu: It's not fair! Everybody has fangs but me, and I can't even turn into a bat properly. Sometimes when I try I end up as a sparrow!
Elias Zapple
#34. Nothing's really changed since then, except that now any children we have might be wizards themselves, and I'll be hopelessly outnumbered.
Eilis O'Neal
#35. Shira turned and blew kisses toward her clients who had pressed their faces against the salon window like children in a candy store and she their Willy Wonka of beauty.
Terri Gillespie
#36. But there is so much you can do with five children in a dark parking lot before you want to sell them.
Emma McLaughlin
#37. And, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves as one, but every child was conducting itself like forty.
Charles Dickens
#38. I like all my children, even the squat and ugly ones.
Howard Nemerov
#39. Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
#40. And however much the princess was assured that in our time young people themselves must settle their fate, she was unable to believe it, as she would have been unable to believe that in anyone's time the best toys for five-year-old children would be loaded pistols.
Leo Tolstoy
#41. In that day, we didn't have no remote controls and vacuum cleaners. If you wanted all that stuff you had children!
Tyler Perry
#42. Mr. McGregor's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Quite the Darth Vader of children's literature.
Jasper Fforde
#43. Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!
Dylan Moran
#44. The Argentine tango isn't here to play nicely with the other children. The Argentine tango is here to seduce your women, spill things on your rug, and sneak out your bedroom window in the middle of the night.
Seanan McGuire
#45. Your name isn't Sniffles?" Ewan pretended to be surprised.
C.J. Milbrandt
#46. I have never even idly thought for a single passing second that it might make my life nicer to have a small rude incontinent person follow me around screaming and making me buy them stuff for the rest of my life.
Tim Kreider
#47. Mom actually said that?" Cassie's face shown with happiness. "She always hated my math!"
"Nah," Martin said. "She was just being that way for you. She thought it was what you needed to hear. If parents told us what they really think about stuff, we could figure them out like regular people.
Clare B. Dunkle
#48. Orphans? Would you really? Adopt children?"
"There are advantages. If they turn out badly, we can blame their natural parents. We can also choose our own assortment of ages and genders. We can even get them ready-grown, if we wish.
Loretta Chase
#49. Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
Russell Howard
#51. People who have babies tell me I will know a love that is beyond anything I can imagine, and a joy that is indescribable. Love and joy? That sounds horrifying. I have no way of knowing whether I can handle either of those. I'm much better with need and fear. They are what ground me.
Marc Maron
#52. He looked the boy up and down as if he had never seen a child before and wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do with one: eat it, ignore it or kick it down the stairs.
John Boyne
#53. There was something pleasant about an empty classroom. Of course, as any teacher would point out, one nice thing was that there were no children in it.
Terry Pratchett
#54. Two buttons had come adrift on her shirt, meaning she was showing more cleavage than was normal for an officer of the law. I don't know if she had children, or planned to, but they would never starve.
Stephen Arnott
#55. The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.
Jim Gaffigan
#56. What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies.
Rudy Giuliani
#57. Well, the first reaction was, What smoke? When I looked and saw it, and we all ran to the back where we were far away from the flames-cowards as we are, you know-all sat around the emergency door and even tested the emergency door, ready to jump out. Of course, I said, Beatles and children first.
Larry Kane
#58. It's great to be able to connect parents with children both emotionally and through humor. I look forward to exploring family entertainment once again and examining the specifics of our day-to-day lives against the backdrop of an extraordinary adventure.
Jon Favreau
#60. Haylee shook her head as soon as they were gone. Christ, how can our family be mankind's best hope?
Natasha Larry
#61. children spend their time for they think they have more time; adults cry over their time for they see they have less time
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
#62. His expression was impassive. Somewhere, I just knew, he must have a slew of illegitimate children, all named Bartholomew.
Catherine Lowell
#63. Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Leo Rosten
#64. Mom's a hypochondriac, too, so the best part was that every week she would get the disease that the medical shows were dramatizing. I'll never forget, they did an episode on sickle cell anemia, which as far as I know, is almost exclusively an African-American affliction.
Kathy Griffin
#65. We can't understand when we're pregnant, or when our siblings are expecting, how profound it is to have a shared history with a younger generation: blood, genes, humor. It means we were actually here, on Earth, for a time - like the Egyptians with their pyramids, only with children.
Anne Lamott
#66. When I was young, my favorite picture book was 'Fletcher and Zenobia,' written by Edward Gorey and illustrated by Victoria Chess. It's long out of print now, but its mix of macabre humor and 1960s psychedelia made it a perfect children's book for the times.
Rick Riordan
#67. He had good children and he raised them fine. All doing well -maybe except Joe ... they're talking about sending him to college, but all the rest are fine.
John Steinbeck
#68. He touched me. We kissed and we held hands sometimes. It was proper. Do you think I should have been with him in that way?" "Hell, no. He's probably not capable." "He's married now. They have children." "Must be Catholic." "What makes you say that?" "Virgin births.
Ellen O'Connell
#69. My daughter breaks both her wrists jumping off of a swing. Her friend, who is five, told her to jump off of it. I promise nothing will happen, she said. But why did she promise that? she wails later at the hospital.
Jenny Offill
#71. The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
Mark Twain
#72. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
#73. I couldn't decide if he was four or nine or twelve. I had no idea of the specifics of children. He was too young to drive, but old enough to be able to turn doorknobs.
Maggie Stiefvater
#74. Will you accompany me in this dance?" he said, bowing and holding out his hand.
"No, thank you." Miri smiled.
The prince frowned and looked and the chief delegate as if for assistance.
Miri laughed self consciously. "I, uh, I was teasing.
Shannon Hale
#75. You know teenage boys, you own one-Mason Lerner
Natasha Larry
#76. Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There's no such place.
Christopher Moore
#77. Our parents are the coolest parents ever. No other generation went on from writing letters to their own parents to sending snapchats to their own kids.
Sharad Vivek Sagar
#78. And that is the story of the boy who cried "Dragon!"
Of course, when dragons sit around the campire at night or tuck their children into bed, they tell the story of the dragon who cried "Boy!
Mike Resnick
#79. There is a tiger in my room,' said Frances.
'Did he bite you?' said Father.
'No,' said Frances.
'Did he scratch you?' said Mother.
'No,' said Frances.
'Then he is a friendly tiger,' said Father. 'He will not hurt you. Go back to sleep.
Russell Hoban
#80. Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children.
Charles Stross
#81. But there's no doubt that children have an innate sense of humor. No matter how young they are, they always know when something's really funny.
Tetsuko Kuroyanagi
#82. There were more children there than Scrooge in his agitated mind could count, and unlike the celebrated poem, not every forty children were acting as one, but every child was acting as forty.
Charles Dickens
#83. People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
C. JoyBell C.
#84. Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.
Bauvard
#85. Of all the gifts you can get, friends and family are the best!
Jan Britland
#86. The house seemed to have all the comforts of little Children, dirt and litter.
Jane Austen
#87. This, children, is Kitty Pryde, who apparently feels the need to make a grand entrance.
I'm sorry. I was busy remembering to put all my clothes on.
Joss Whedon
#88. Why do people who so obviously hate children have so many of them? Audrey asked...Because they hate everyone else more. Their bratty kids are their revenge on a society that has denied them the riches they so rightly deserve.
Shaun David Hutchinson
#89. It was mild monsters like these that made Jack the Ripper go after young women, she decided: who could tolerate yielding the world to someone who behaved as if she had given birth to the very world herself?
Gregory Maguire
#90. You'll hear people say it's racist to test. Folks, it's racist not to test. Because guess who gets shuffled through the system oftentimes? Children whose parents don't speak English as a first language, inner-city kids. It's so much easier to quit on somebody than to remediate.
George W. Bush
#91. I'm not short," Daisy muttered. "Short women are never mysterious, or elegant, or pursued by handsome men. And they're always treated like children. I refuse to be short.
Lisa Kleypas
#92. Once they've borne children, mothers can construct virtually any costume using scissors, felt, Elmer's glue, and a leftover pen spring. They're like the Special Forces of crafts.
Drew Magary
#93. When I was a child there were many witches, and they bewitched both cattle and men, especially children.
Martin Luther
#94. But children are our future!' Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don't understand why we're helping them. You don't see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.
Stephen Colbert
#95. Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
#97. Think of fear as a 2-year-old child who doesn't want to go grocery shopping with you. Because you must buy groceries, you'll just have to take the two year old with you. Fear is no different. In other words, acknowledge that fear exists but don't let it keep you from doing important tasks.
Jack Canfield
#98. Calico Kitty
My calico kitty
was painted and primed
she could prowl
the night away ~
without spending a dime...
Muse
#99. I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
Erma Bombeck
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